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Original poster

How to let someone know I'm paying for their child without embarrassing them

134 replies

viagrafalls · 13/03/2023 11:56

We are taking my daughters best friend on holiday and have decided that we can cover the full price of flights and accommodation for her. Her family are in slightly reduced circumstances and also have more than one child so money has been tighter for them recently than us. Its honestly going to mean more of a holiday for us to have her along. I just would like to let the mum know without making her feel embarrassed. Its been quite ambiguous until now, but If she's anything like me she will be silently worrying about the moment when I ask her for money. So far I've got "Hi XXXX, I just wanted to let you know that we're able to treat YYYY to this holiday so there is no need to reimburse us for flights etc. If you'd like to give her some money for souvenirs etc then I' sure that would be great".

OP posts:
Its2amimustbelonely · 13/03/2023 11:59

I think that's fine. I'd probably add a jokey line in about how it makes your lives easier taking her as a friend for your daughter to play with so they know your intentions are not completely altruistic.

IhearyouClemFandango · 13/03/2023 11:59

I would say along the lines of "As Jenny is our guest we don't expect anything for flights etc, but I'm sure a few euros for souvenirs and the odd ice cream wouldn't go amiss."

At the end of the day it is a treat for her, yes, but it is also company for your child and your invitation, so I wouldn't phrase it as such.

Zola1 · 13/03/2023 12:00

Ah this will be so lovely for the girls, what a great thing to do!
I would be even more vague and just message and say 'hiya XX, just been thinking that we didn't properly talk about cost for holiday. Just wanted to let you know it barely made a difference to our total cost to bring Y, so don't worry about money, just anything you want to give her for holiday spends. We are so pleased she is coming with us'

hattie43 · 13/03/2023 12:00

Hmm I think I'd say I'd had an unexpected windfall or something . I wouldn't want the mum thinking they are beholden to me or feeling I took pity on her daughter .

Mum - I need to pay you for Y's holiday .
You - oh god sorry forgot to say we've had a scratch card win and would like to treat her so don't worry . If you could send her with some holiday pocket money though that'd be great .

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 13/03/2023 12:01

I would use the word treat, as the reality is the treat isn't for this child. The child just happens to be friends with your DD, the reason the child is invited is because it makes your life easier and happier for your DD.

Original poster
viagrafalls · 13/03/2023 12:02

Zola1 · 13/03/2023 12:00

Ah this will be so lovely for the girls, what a great thing to do!
I would be even more vague and just message and say 'hiya XX, just been thinking that we didn't properly talk about cost for holiday. Just wanted to let you know it barely made a difference to our total cost to bring Y, so don't worry about money, just anything you want to give her for holiday spends. We are so pleased she is coming with us'

Zola this is a perfect intro - i think thats where I was struggling. Getting onto the subject.

OP posts:
LampHat · 13/03/2023 12:03

Yes I think @Zola1 has it 😊

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 13/03/2023 12:04

I've been here an the way I handled it was first to ask the friend's mum if he could come on holiday with us. My son being slightly older than my other two would enjoy the holiday so much more if xxxxxx could come and all he would need is a bit of pocket money and leave it there.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 13/03/2023 12:04

Don’t say “we’re able to treat Y” as it sounds quite smug, equally no need to mention some made up windfall. Why don’t you just say “just to let you know well cover Ys flights etc as it will be great for DD to have a friend along so feel free to just send money for souvenirs, ice cream etc.”

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 13/03/2023 12:05

Actually what @Zola1 said but definitely don't lie about a scratch card win

gamerchick · 13/03/2023 12:05

Just tell her to give her a bit of coin for spends. Put the lass out her misery man.

MarshaMelrose · 13/03/2023 12:06

I wouldn't say anything about treating. I'd say that you're really grateful she's coming along because she'll make the whole holiday easier. Make it sound like they're doing you a favour.
I'd add casually that everything's been booked and paid for so we're all ready for the big off. Exciting. She might want a bit of money for souvenirs and shopping. But I'll leave that with you.

MrsDoylesDoily · 13/03/2023 12:10

YaWeeFurryBastard · 13/03/2023 12:04

Don’t say “we’re able to treat Y” as it sounds quite smug, equally no need to mention some made up windfall. Why don’t you just say “just to let you know well cover Ys flights etc as it will be great for DD to have a friend along so feel free to just send money for souvenirs, ice cream etc.”

Gosh yes this ^^

Don't use the word 'treat', as it comes across as a bit Lord and Lady Bountiful.

Just keep it light...something like "Whoops! I forgot to mention the cost of the holiday is covered, so she'll only need a bit of spending money."

ThePoshUns · 13/03/2023 12:13

Zola has it just right. Don't say you're treating her that could sound condescending.
And no need to lie about winning money on a scratch card either!
We've done similar and it is so much easier if you can take a friend for your child, they are really doing you a favour!

longestlurkerever · 13/03/2023 12:14

I think "our treat" is a perfectly reasonable way to say this. "It's our treat because we'll really enjoy having x along. She's great company for y.". Or something. The scratch card win thing is a bad idea I think. As is laying it on too thick about how much of a favour it is her coming along with you.

FourTeaFallOut · 13/03/2023 12:15

Tell her that you got a free child place that you otherwise wouldn't be eligible for, so not to worry about paying towards it.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 13/03/2023 12:16

I think "our treat" is a perfectly reasonable way to say this. "It's our treat because we'll really enjoy having x along. She's great company for y.".

Agree, but the above is different to 'we are treating xx'

Ceryneianhind · 13/03/2023 12:17

hattie43 · 13/03/2023 12:00

Hmm I think I'd say I'd had an unexpected windfall or something . I wouldn't want the mum thinking they are beholden to me or feeling I took pity on her daughter .

Mum - I need to pay you for Y's holiday .
You - oh god sorry forgot to say we've had a scratch card win and would like to treat her so don't worry . If you could send her with some holiday pocket money though that'd be great .

no no no - this is awful

simply say the cost to take x on holiday isnt much so you will cover that, so all she will need is a bit of spending money

leggingsandasweatshirt · 13/03/2023 12:17

Zola1 · 13/03/2023 12:00

Ah this will be so lovely for the girls, what a great thing to do!
I would be even more vague and just message and say 'hiya XX, just been thinking that we didn't properly talk about cost for holiday. Just wanted to let you know it barely made a difference to our total cost to bring Y, so don't worry about money, just anything you want to give her for holiday spends. We are so pleased she is coming with us'

I think this is perfect

Dodgeitornot · 13/03/2023 12:20

I think what @Zola1 said is perfect. I wouldn't say treating as if may make them feel a certain level of pressure to do the same. If they think it's not making a difference cost wise, than they'll feel more comfortable.

CantFindTheBeat · 13/03/2023 12:22

Zola1 · 13/03/2023 12:00

Ah this will be so lovely for the girls, what a great thing to do!
I would be even more vague and just message and say 'hiya XX, just been thinking that we didn't properly talk about cost for holiday. Just wanted to let you know it barely made a difference to our total cost to bring Y, so don't worry about money, just anything you want to give her for holiday spends. We are so pleased she is coming with us'

This from @Zola1 is perfect.

I've had this a twice and I've
made out that it's a family rate and the additional child hasn't made a difference to the cost.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/03/2023 12:25

This is lovely of you OP, and I think you've had great suggestions here.

Personally, I'd find this too hard to accept, as generous & kind as it is, but I do understand that's likely my own issue.

DownByTheMeadow · 13/03/2023 12:26

I think I would just say...

Hey, we've got everything sorted for the holiday, I'll let you know the flight and hotel details asap. Thanks for letting xxxx come with us, DD will have so much more fun having a friend there. All she'll need is a little bit of money for any souvenirs she might like whilst she's there.

If the mum then asks what about flights, you can simply just say 'thanks for offering, but it was our choice to ask her to come along, so we had already accounted for the cost'

GBoucher · 13/03/2023 12:31

If the friend's mum has agreed to send her daughter on holiday with you without knowing that you are intending to cover the cost of her joining, doesn't this mean she can afford to and is happy to pay? In which case, it's a bit patronising to say you're paying for her like some kind of noblesse oblige. I would just let the friend's parents pay for their child.

holierthanthou73 · 13/03/2023 12:34

Zola1 · 13/03/2023 12:00

Ah this will be so lovely for the girls, what a great thing to do!
I would be even more vague and just message and say 'hiya XX, just been thinking that we didn't properly talk about cost for holiday. Just wanted to let you know it barely made a difference to our total cost to bring Y, so don't worry about money, just anything you want to give her for holiday spends. We are so pleased she is coming with us'

This is perfect