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Original poster

How to let someone know I'm paying for their child without embarrassing them

134 replies

viagrafalls · 13/03/2023 11:56

We are taking my daughters best friend on holiday and have decided that we can cover the full price of flights and accommodation for her. Her family are in slightly reduced circumstances and also have more than one child so money has been tighter for them recently than us. Its honestly going to mean more of a holiday for us to have her along. I just would like to let the mum know without making her feel embarrassed. Its been quite ambiguous until now, but If she's anything like me she will be silently worrying about the moment when I ask her for money. So far I've got "Hi XXXX, I just wanted to let you know that we're able to treat YYYY to this holiday so there is no need to reimburse us for flights etc. If you'd like to give her some money for souvenirs etc then I' sure that would be great".

OP posts:
Eattheeel · 13/03/2023 15:21

I like the 'we are, of course, covering all flights etc' approach as that means, if the Mum had already assumed you were covering all costs, you don't look stupid (whereas if you say 'I wanted to let you know that we are covering all costs', then she would be like, well yeah, I bloody hope so!)

BellePeppa · 13/03/2023 15:21

DownByTheMeadow · 13/03/2023 12:26

I think I would just say...

Hey, we've got everything sorted for the holiday, I'll let you know the flight and hotel details asap. Thanks for letting xxxx come with us, DD will have so much more fun having a friend there. All she'll need is a little bit of money for any souvenirs she might like whilst she's there.

If the mum then asks what about flights, you can simply just say 'thanks for offering, but it was our choice to ask her to come along, so we had already accounted for the cost'

I like this. Saying it was your choice to ask her along would make sense to me and more feasible that you’d meet the cost without it being embarrassing for the parent.

Penguinduvetcover · 13/03/2023 15:26

I would say you managed to get a free child place

FatimaHatima · 13/03/2023 15:27

This thread is making me wonder if people would invite a child on holiday and NOT pay for their costs? Surely not?

Mrsjayy · 13/03/2023 15:28

We took friends on holiday when Dds were teenagers. We always just said they will just need spending money and that was it saved any awkwardness.

PrinceHaz · 13/03/2023 15:31

I’m in a similar position and was going to write this post. My nearly 17 yr old DD will probably never come on holiday with us again unless her boyfriend comes. I wouldn’t want his mum to pay towards it as they’ve never had a family holiday before due to the expense. But I feel that she would be anxious about me shouldering the cost even though I’m happy to. Also, he would perhaps be happy to chip in himself as he has a part time job, but I think that makes things even more complex.

Mrsjayy · 13/03/2023 15:41

Just deal with the Bf @PrinceHaz say to him he can pay <whatever> towards the holiday and if the parents want to give him extra that's up to them.

Clymene · 13/03/2023 15:53

FatimaHatima · 13/03/2023 15:27

This thread is making me wonder if people would invite a child on holiday and NOT pay for their costs? Surely not?

Well it seems the OP thinks it's unusually generous and had the other family not been in "slightly reduced circumstances' she wouldn't have offered.

Very odd behaviour. If you invite another child as a playmate for your child, they're your guest. It's not a school trip.

Abraxan · 13/03/2023 16:12

I wouldn't mention the price of the flights or accommodation.
Just a message to confirm dates/times and whats] she will need, and then throw in a comment amount - maybe a few euros for holiday spends/treats. So money is mentioned but only in terms of what she will 'need.'

They may then message back regarding cost of flight/accommodation and you can just sat that you're covering that as she is coming as your guest/your child's friend. Could joke that it will save you some money in childcare/entertainment ;)

FatimaHatima · 13/03/2023 16:19

Clymene · 13/03/2023 15:53

Well it seems the OP thinks it's unusually generous and had the other family not been in "slightly reduced circumstances' she wouldn't have offered.

Very odd behaviour. If you invite another child as a playmate for your child, they're your guest. It's not a school trip.

Show quote history

Indeed. She seems to not understand that the other family could be Rockefellers and she would still be supposed to cover the costs!
If you invite a child along to be entertainment and company for your child, they are your guest and you need to pay for them.

Lovelyveg82 · 13/03/2023 16:24

You mention flights and accom

but there’s more beyond that than simply “souvenirs”

So if not also covering food and activities… make this clear so they can budget accurately

Hellsmovie · 13/03/2023 16:24

Surely as you've invited the child so you dont expect the parent to pay. That's got to be the easiest option the other parent will probably feel worse if they find out you lied and treated them like a charity case

Lovelyveg82 · 13/03/2023 16:24

Although I would hope that if they have already agreed to their daughter going, they will have budgeted for it to ensure they can afford it

Lovelyveg82 · 13/03/2023 16:26

Hellsmovie · 13/03/2023 16:24

Surely as you've invited the child so you dont expect the parent to pay. That's got to be the easiest option the other parent will probably feel worse if they find out you lied and treated them like a charity case

I would never “expect” anyone to pay for my child

however if I invited another child then it would be because I intended to pay for them

ArcheryAnnie · 13/03/2023 16:26

MarshaMelrose · 13/03/2023 12:06

I wouldn't say anything about treating. I'd say that you're really grateful she's coming along because she'll make the whole holiday easier. Make it sound like they're doing you a favour.
I'd add casually that everything's been booked and paid for so we're all ready for the big off. Exciting. She might want a bit of money for souvenirs and shopping. But I'll leave that with you.

Agree with this. The less you explain the better - and no nonsense about scratchcards or any other way you've afforded it.

Just be brief and factual, giving the impression it's all sorted out already and you are just confirming.

"Everything including flights is now booked - we're delighted X is coming as our guest as it'll make the holiday so much more enjoyable for Y. What we need from you is to make sure X's passport will be valid on (dates) and make sure she packs (swimsuit, bobble hat and gloves, whatever) and any spending money you think she'll want. Just so she can look at it on the map before she goes, we will be staying at ABC, here (link)." This wraps the financial stuff up in other details and doesn't make a big thing of it.

If the other parents do ask further about costs, just again be brief and factual: "ah, no, we're covering all that, she's our guest, sorry if I wasn't clear!" then move on.

Abraxan · 13/03/2023 16:28

FatimaHatima · 13/03/2023 15:27

This thread is making me wonder if people would invite a child on holiday and NOT pay for their costs? Surely not?

We took DD's friend to WDW with us but she laid. The friend and dd had been talking and she said she would live to go there but it wasn't somewhere her parents would go to - fair enough, it's a long way and it's expensive if not your thing. But we didn't offer to pay the full cost for her as it was a lot of money and we didn't do the actual invitation. When dd and friend mentioned it we worked out a contribution based on her flight and the ticket cost for the parks. We chose to get a bigger hotel room as a result but we paid for this, and we chose to pay for some express tickets and again, we didn't pass that cost in either. The package included all food in the Disney parks/hotels but we covered all other costs. We also shared the 'free $200 shop voucher' between dd and friend when they arrived,

So friend did come away with us but she paid for a big chunk of her own cost - but we didn't actually do the invitation, we agreed to her joining us in a trip we were already going on.

Whataretheodds · 13/03/2023 16:30

Please be clear if you're paying for meals too!

Eg
We're delighted that X can come with us. Flights, accommodation, meals and activities are covered, the only cash she might need would be for souvenirs/shopping/ice cream

Whose travel insurance covers her? Is she old enough to have any relevant medical info/emergency contact details herself to share with you?

Newmum0322 · 13/03/2023 16:32

Zola1 · 13/03/2023 12:00

Ah this will be so lovely for the girls, what a great thing to do!
I would be even more vague and just message and say 'hiya XX, just been thinking that we didn't properly talk about cost for holiday. Just wanted to let you know it barely made a difference to our total cost to bring Y, so don't worry about money, just anything you want to give her for holiday spends. We are so pleased she is coming with us'

This. 100%

Lovelyveg82 · 13/03/2023 16:35

, so don't worry about money, just anything you want to give her for holiday spends.

unfair as they will have NO idea what you’re planning on doing in terms of the kind of restaurants and activities etc you plan on.

You need to be very clear re what would be appropriate for “spending money” based on the type of holiday.

just like schools are! Otherwise unfair

Raggletaggles · 13/03/2023 16:43

Loads of good suggestions but i do think you examine your attitude and this “generous gesture”.
I agree with others- definitely don’t say “treating” and I’d check that you’re not going away feeling like it’s a special thing you’re gifting.
You say you’ve decided you’ll pay her flights/ accommodation and you also explain the family’s financial circumstances but I’d argue that’s irrelevant and if you offer to take your child’s friend on holiday, it would be quite cheeky to ask them to contribute - whatever their background.
I like everyone’s suggestions to stress how much you’ll enjoy her being with you and how much your daughter is looking forward to it. I don’t think you need to suggest they give her money for ice creams either!
If they do, they do. It seems a bit pointed to mention it.

MaidOfSteel · 13/03/2023 16:49

DownByTheMeadow · 13/03/2023 12:26

I think I would just say...

Hey, we've got everything sorted for the holiday, I'll let you know the flight and hotel details asap. Thanks for letting xxxx come with us, DD will have so much more fun having a friend there. All she'll need is a little bit of money for any souvenirs she might like whilst she's there.

If the mum then asks what about flights, you can simply just say 'thanks for offering, but it was our choice to ask her to come along, so we had already accounted for the cost'

This is perfect.

Lovelyveg82 · 13/03/2023 16:52

All she'll need is a little bit of money for any souvenirs she might like whilst she's there.

the op says she’s covering flight and hotel

No mention of food or entertainment or activity! So it would be very unfair on the girl if she bring 20 euros for souvenirs if the op hasn’t been clear that flights and accom covered. The end

NotQuiteUsual · 13/03/2023 16:56

I sometimes lie and say my Dad sent me some money for the kids in similar situations. He has the kind of job that makes people assume he's doing quite well for himself. My nice, well off dad wanting to ensure his grandchild has fun with their friends works really well. Indulging a grandparent who can afford it doesn't tend to evoke the guilt, but still brings them the joy that their child can be involved still.

CandlelightGlow · 13/03/2023 16:58

OP are you sure the family can afford the spending money required? Are you paying for all meals too? Shit's expensive.

gogohmm · 13/03/2023 17:03

That sounds fine to me

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