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Original poster

How to let someone know I'm paying for their child without embarrassing them

134 replies

viagrafalls · 13/03/2023 11:56

We are taking my daughters best friend on holiday and have decided that we can cover the full price of flights and accommodation for her. Her family are in slightly reduced circumstances and also have more than one child so money has been tighter for them recently than us. Its honestly going to mean more of a holiday for us to have her along. I just would like to let the mum know without making her feel embarrassed. Its been quite ambiguous until now, but If she's anything like me she will be silently worrying about the moment when I ask her for money. So far I've got "Hi XXXX, I just wanted to let you know that we're able to treat YYYY to this holiday so there is no need to reimburse us for flights etc. If you'd like to give her some money for souvenirs etc then I' sure that would be great".

OP posts:
stayathomer · 13/03/2023 12:37

Hmm I think I'd say I'd had an unexpected windfall or something .
we did this before, I knew it would turn into forevermore them feeling in debt to us when we brought their son on an expensive day out so I told them my mum had given us a voucher for him and a friend for Christmas (told the kids this too as they would definitely have let it slip!)

TeeBee · 13/03/2023 12:42

You could say: 'Hi X, thank you so much for the loan of your child for our holiday...she's going to make the holiday more enjoyable for all of us and I'm looking forward to her company. You've raised a good 'un.

Flights and accommodation are now all sorted...please find details attached in case you need to contact her while we're there (and before I forget to pass them on :-D). She won't need any money for food while she's there, but she can bring some pennies if she wants to buy herself some souvenirs.

Just a quick question...do you have any existing family travel insurance? If not, I'll just add her to ours.'

Because insurance will need sorting too.

Btjdkfnn · 13/03/2023 12:47

Can you say something like adding her didn’t add anything to the accommodation anyway?

Btjdkfnn · 13/03/2023 12:48

And emphasise that it is a treat for your child to have a friends there

Sleepless1096 · 13/03/2023 12:49

I'd just slip it in to discussions about the arrangements..."The holiday is our treat, of course, but X might enjoy having some spending money. We'll be giving our daughter this amount per day, as a guide."

Smartiepants79 · 13/03/2023 12:52

GBoucher · 13/03/2023 12:31

If the friend's mum has agreed to send her daughter on holiday with you without knowing that you are intending to cover the cost of her joining, doesn't this mean she can afford to and is happy to pay? In which case, it's a bit patronising to say you're paying for her like some kind of noblesse oblige. I would just let the friend's parents pay for their child.

See, if my child had been invited along on someone else’s holiday (or any trip for that matter) I would assume that they were paying. If not I would have expected it to be made very clear when discussion about if she could go or not first started.
If I invite a child somewhere then I expect to pay for them.

Doggydooda · 13/03/2023 12:52

We took our sons friend with us to corfu. We just asked for a few euros toward eating out and ise cream
Made it very clear that their son coming along would make our sons holiday..and it really did .

OneFrenchEgg · 13/03/2023 12:52

I agree with the pp approach of thanks for lending us your dd, will make it so much more fun for our dd. Obviously we've covered flights and accommodation, thinking you just need to sort spending money for ice cream/drinks/souvenirs, we've budgeted about £x for dd for the holiday.

FiFiWrites · 13/03/2023 12:52

"Mum - I need to pay you for Y's holiday .
You - oh god sorry forgot to say we've had a scratch card win and would like to treat her so don't worry . If you could send her with some holiday pocket money though that'd be great ."

Jesus wept 😆 don't do this OP

Bottlegreenery · 13/03/2023 12:56

If the mum didn’t ask how much she owes you at the time you invited her daughter, and hasn’t asked since, then I’d think she’s aware or at least presumed you’re paying

Bottlegreenery · 13/03/2023 12:58

When my son’s girlfriends family invited him on holiday, my immediate reply was “thank you, let me know how much I owe you for flights and accommodation”

FawnFrenchieMum · 13/03/2023 13:06

Is this something you have done before / plan to do again?

I think if they have paid in the past then it needs to be worded slightly differently, same as if you plan to invite in the future but won't always be able to pay.

Have you already invited but not discussed costs?

Sugarfree23 · 13/03/2023 13:07

Surely the other family must be assuming you're paying or they'd have asked the cost before saying Yes?

I think I'd used Zolas reply, but reworded slightly.
We never spoke about cost, just wanted to make clear we are paying..

NKFell · 13/03/2023 13:09

Oooo @viagrafalls my DS's friend paid for him to go on holiday and I had been panicking about the cost. His friend's Mum texted something along the lines of "forgot to mention we've covered the cost for X, he'll keep Y busy and is cheaper than kids club 😂".

I hadn't assumed she was paying, but it was a lovely surprise.

CovertImage · 13/03/2023 13:10

NKFell · 13/03/2023 13:09

Oooo @viagrafalls my DS's friend paid for him to go on holiday and I had been panicking about the cost. His friend's Mum texted something along the lines of "forgot to mention we've covered the cost for X, he'll keep Y busy and is cheaper than kids club 😂".

I hadn't assumed she was paying, but it was a lovely surprise.

This one sounds perfect to me. Just about all of the others are a bit tortuous in their attempts to make the other partent not feel beholden to OP

Clymene · 13/03/2023 13:12

I'm honestly surprised you didn't tell her from the outset. I would never take someone else's child on holiday without paying for everything except spending money.

Definitely use @Zola1's wording - no need to go all Lady Bountiful about it.

DaisyBoop · 13/03/2023 13:14

I would just say ‘Hi, we’re looking forward to having XX on holiday. It’ll be so nice for our DD to have someone to hang out with. We’ll be covering all the costs at our end, hope you enjoy some chill time and we’ll make sure she sends some pics!!’

Then if she wants to contribute then she can, if she wants to just say thanks then she can too.

StephenDedalus · 13/03/2023 13:14

I find it odd that the friends mum has agreed for the dc to go on the trip without asking how much it would be for them to pay that share?

We brought dd's friend on a city break as as we were asking if she would be allowed come the other mum asked how much she should give us. And that gave us the chance to say, it was our invitation and we would love for her dd to join us to keep our dd company and we had covered the flight / accommodation / meals and all she would need was some spending money.

luladebulachops · 13/03/2023 13:22

Maybe have a conversation rather than a text - much easier to get your appreciation across rather than anything misconstrued.

ChocSaltyBalls · 13/03/2023 13:24

Bottlegreenery · 13/03/2023 12:56

If the mum didn’t ask how much she owes you at the time you invited her daughter, and hasn’t asked since, then I’d think she’s aware or at least presumed you’re paying

This

Waitin4snow · 13/03/2023 13:30

The standard response to this kind of invite is surely ‘let me know how much I owe you’ .. I reckon she has assumed your paying .

user40643 · 13/03/2023 13:31

What @Zola1 said.

But OP @viagrafalls I would ask for this thread to be deleted in case she comes across it.

Namechanger355 · 13/03/2023 13:33

Zola1 · 13/03/2023 12:00

Ah this will be so lovely for the girls, what a great thing to do!
I would be even more vague and just message and say 'hiya XX, just been thinking that we didn't properly talk about cost for holiday. Just wanted to let you know it barely made a difference to our total cost to bring Y, so don't worry about money, just anything you want to give her for holiday spends. We are so pleased she is coming with us'

@Zola1 message is the perfect way to phrase it

Sunshineandshowers42 · 13/03/2023 13:34

IhearyouClemFandango · 13/03/2023 11:59

I would say along the lines of "As Jenny is our guest we don't expect anything for flights etc, but I'm sure a few euros for souvenirs and the odd ice cream wouldn't go amiss."

At the end of the day it is a treat for her, yes, but it is also company for your child and your invitation, so I wouldn't phrase it as such.

This.

Blossomtoes · 13/03/2023 13:35

Zola1 · 13/03/2023 12:00

Ah this will be so lovely for the girls, what a great thing to do!
I would be even more vague and just message and say 'hiya XX, just been thinking that we didn't properly talk about cost for holiday. Just wanted to let you know it barely made a difference to our total cost to bring Y, so don't worry about money, just anything you want to give her for holiday spends. We are so pleased she is coming with us'

Perfect.