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How to let someone know I'm paying for their child without embarrassing them

134 replies

viagrafalls · 13/03/2023 11:56

We are taking my daughters best friend on holiday and have decided that we can cover the full price of flights and accommodation for her. Her family are in slightly reduced circumstances and also have more than one child so money has been tighter for them recently than us. Its honestly going to mean more of a holiday for us to have her along. I just would like to let the mum know without making her feel embarrassed. Its been quite ambiguous until now, but If she's anything like me she will be silently worrying about the moment when I ask her for money. So far I've got "Hi XXXX, I just wanted to let you know that we're able to treat YYYY to this holiday so there is no need to reimburse us for flights etc. If you'd like to give her some money for souvenirs etc then I' sure that would be great".

OP posts:
WombatChocolate · 13/03/2023 20:00

I don’t think there’s any need to think the other family will feel awkward about you hosting their child or that you need to make excuses for paying. Anyone inviting another child on their holiday, can be assumed to have chosen a holiday that they are happy to cover the price of another child for….or they wouldn’t have invited them!

It is lovely for the child invited, but the main beneficiaries are the family inviting that child. It’s often only children and it makes the holiday more pleasant for everyone…so it is totally the host families choice….and the style and expense of the holiday is too.

I find it hard to believe that people think the other family should be paying or asked if they would like to pay. How awkward. The hosts family holiday was not their choice. Especially if it’s an expensive holiday or their own finances are tight and might be impacted by paying for their child to go, why would another family put them in that position…when it’s themselves as hosts who want to do it and who get the advantage.

Weve taken several kids away with us over the years. It was usually to UK based cottages where there was a spare bed and the costs to us included eating out most days and various activities. I think it’s pretty easy for people to accept a holiday like that for their child. I wouldn’t have been asking another child on an expensive holiday with long haul flights, as I wouldn’t have wanted to cover those kid of costs, but I know some people would.

It’s important not to come across as being Lady Bountiful, when offering or talking about money, especially if your own family circumstances are better than the other families. Quickly making clear youre covering it is important, but making it sound like a big act of charity isn’t good. Focus on how your own family will love their company and that simply bringing some spending money would be useful for the child.

We’ve accepted such invitations for our children too. We always give the child a decent amount of spending money and tell them to offer to buy some ice creams etc, but to accept if the family do t want to accept and want to cover everything. That’s what some people want to do and it is good to be a gracious receiver. Generally, kids don’t have a problem in accepting adults paying, as that’s what happens all the time.

Once one of our children was invited with 4 others to the holiday home of a school friend which was abroad. The host asked us to book the flights and then covered all the food and entertainment….and they had a marvellous time. It was different because a whole group had been invited and that family spent the whole summer at their holiday home…it wasn’t the same as taking one child away on your family week away. That family had several kids and over the years, each of the kids had weeks when they could invite several friends at a time, and they’d clearly found it worked for people to pay their own flight (could be got pretty cheaply) but to then host some lovely activities. My child still remembers that holiday hugely fondly. He was very lucky.

shelbaba · 13/03/2023 20:45

My family took my friend when I was a teen. My mum just said does "friend" want to come with us, everything will be paid for she just need a little bit of spending money.
I wouldn't say u wanted to treat her just say similar to the above.

I ended up going with them on their summer holiday too. So I ended up in Spain for 4wks of the summer, result!

FatimaHatima · 13/03/2023 21:21

OP I still feel like you think you are being generous and benevolent, graciously treating a less well off child, rather than the actual fact that you are recruiting a playmate for your child to make your life easier.

NurseCranesRolodex · 14/03/2023 07:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Lovelyveg82 · 14/03/2023 10:47

As an aside, I appreciate that different if only child but it would be so unappealing to me to bring along another child on a precious family holiday. It’s such a special time to really have relaxed quality and fun time with my children in guaranteed sun and me not having to think about cooking or laundry or…. Anything really! The evenings when we head back to the hotel room / villa and just flop with snacks and card games… can’t imagine having anyone else present aside from family! 🤷‍♀️

WombatChocolate · 14/03/2023 17:11

I think people feel differently about someone else joining their family for a holiday.

Lots of people wouldn’t like it at all and only feel relaxed when it’s just them. They’d feel like they had to be on show for a guest, if there was someone else…even a child. So, for them to take someone else is a big deal. For others, they love groups and crowds and find it stops things being so intense and makes life easier. Inviting a friend is easier for these people.

I guess if you’ve regularly invited others and your child has been invited to similar, this sense of it being kind and benevolent, doesn’t really cross your mind. If you have plenty of money and regularly pay for others to do things, this is just another.

We don’t know if inviting and paying for another child is the norm for OP and her circle of friends or it’s unusual. If she hasn’t done it before or it’s pretty unusual, and especially if this is a big and expensive holiday for OP, she is more likely to have this sense of being kind and benevolent, and also that the other family might find it a bit awkward. In lots of circles, people don’t take other children on expensive days out or holidays, because they simply can’t afford to…people do pay their own way or don’t go. And if this is your norm, but then you find yourself able to pay and especially if it’s something really expensive, you might well feel like Lady Bountiful….and even as if you’d like a bit of acknowledgement for your generosity….even though it’s really not very helpful.

People who regularly treat others, often find it easier to accept being treated themselves too. It doesn’t feel like an awkward relationship. Often those who can’t treat back, find it a bit awkward. The host needs to reduce the possibility of this, by emphasising how it is doing them a favour as their own child will have company, rather than that the visitor child is getting a benefit that they are paying for. It’s this difference of emphasis which can leave someone feeling comfortable rather than uncomfortable. And it’s really important to then not expect something back in return. It isn’t a reciprocal arrangement…..who knows, the other family might take your child away at some point or out for a day or whatever….or they might not. And either is fine.

Lovelyveg82 · 14/03/2023 17:48

That word… benevolent

It’s very Charles Dickins…. “his benevolent master”

longestlurkerever · 14/03/2023 21:17

Gosh this has got a bit unpleasant. So the OP invited the other child partly to benefit her own Dd. She's still going to be taking responsibility for ensuring the other child has a nice holiday, days and meals out, time with her friend. No kid is going to be an angel for a week and being in loco parentis can be hard work, especially if the kid egg each other on to be a bit cheeky/grabby which they can do if excited ime.

Createausernametoday · 15/03/2023 12:01

OP, forget all the psychology in the thread. it’s a nice gesture. Go for it and enjoy the holiday

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