Page 5 | How to let someone know I'm paying for their child without embarrassing them

viagrafalls · 2023-03-13T11:56:48+00:00

We are taking my daughters best friend on holiday and have decided that we can cover the full price of flights and accommodation for her. Her family are in slightly reduced circumstances and also have more than one child so money has been tighter for them recently than us. Its honestly going to mean more of a holiday for us to have her along. I just would like to let the mum know without making her feel embarrassed. Its been quite ambiguous until now, but If she's anything like me she will be silently worrying about the moment when I ask her for money. So far I've got "Hi XXXX, I just wanted to let you know that we're able to treat YYYY to this holiday so there is no need to reimburse us for flights etc. If you'd like to give her some money for souvenirs etc then I' sure that would be great".

Nocutenamesleft · 13/03/2023 17:08

Zola1 · 13/03/2023 12:00

Ah this will be so lovely for the girls, what a great thing to do!
I would be even more vague and just message and say 'hiya XX, just been thinking that we didn't properly talk about cost for holiday. Just wanted to let you know it barely made a difference to our total cost to bring Y, so don't worry about money, just anything you want to give her for holiday spends. We are so pleased she is coming with us'

This

is add in a line (if it were me) to say plus having (name) along will greatly help keep my child occupied so really you’re don’t me a massive favour!

HappinessDragon · 13/03/2023 17:18

I've done this a couple of times - literally I just get chatting and slip in something along the lines of "Its really going to brilliant for DC to have XXX along, will give us a bit of a break from entertaining too so you're cool with it being our treat aren't you? If the kids sort their spending money out, they'll be good to go". Normally get a bit of resistance but it's not an issue.

CarPoor · 13/03/2023 17:19

I would say it's fairly standard to pay for a child you are taking on holiday, there's no need to be patronising or make up any lies. No need to talk about treating etc or give any excuses as to why you are paying

Just say something like just wrapping up final details for the holiday, does x have travel insurance if not well add her to ours. Flights and accommodation are obviously all sorted so she will just need some money for souvenirs if she likes. Then add ant additional details you may still need

If the parents protest then you can say something about them being an asset in entertaining your DD and no need.

anotherscroller · 13/03/2023 17:23

Zola1 · 13/03/2023 12:00

Ah this will be so lovely for the girls, what a great thing to do!
I would be even more vague and just message and say 'hiya XX, just been thinking that we didn't properly talk about cost for holiday. Just wanted to let you know it barely made a difference to our total cost to bring Y, so don't worry about money, just anything you want to give her for holiday spends. We are so pleased she is coming with us'

Love this one

BellePeppa · 13/03/2023 17:33

Abraxan · 13/03/2023 16:28

We took DD's friend to WDW with us but she laid. The friend and dd had been talking and she said she would live to go there but it wasn't somewhere her parents would go to - fair enough, it's a long way and it's expensive if not your thing. But we didn't offer to pay the full cost for her as it was a lot of money and we didn't do the actual invitation. When dd and friend mentioned it we worked out a contribution based on her flight and the ticket cost for the parks. We chose to get a bigger hotel room as a result but we paid for this, and we chose to pay for some express tickets and again, we didn't pass that cost in either. The package included all food in the Disney parks/hotels but we covered all other costs. We also shared the 'free $200 shop voucher' between dd and friend when they arrived,

So friend did come away with us but she paid for a big chunk of her own cost - but we didn't actually do the invitation, we agreed to her joining us in a trip we were already going on.

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Like you say though, you didn’t do the actual invite. If I invited a friend to accompany my child I would expect/assume I’d be paying for their actual holiday unless the parent absolutely insisted they did. I’d provide all meals etc but I would suggest the parents gave some pocket money (if they were too strapped I’d cover that as well). Basically I’d be prepared to cover all costs.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/03/2023 17:34

I think she's probably fully aware that you are paying for her child, giving her a holiday and that you don't need to be so smug and goady about it.

If you don't want to, then don't offer the unwanted child an unwanted holiday.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/03/2023 17:35

have decided that we can cover the full price of flights and accommodation for her

Your words.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/03/2023 17:45

"Hi, Friendsmum,
Just confirming the dates of the holiday are XX. We'll pick up Friend at x:00 am. She'll need swimming costume, good walking shoes and a hoodie along with of course whatever other clothing she wishes to bring.
We are so grateful that you are allowing her to come along; it will make the holiday so much better for Daughter. Just to be clear, Friend's flights, meals, accommodations et al are covered by our budget for this trip. She won't need anything but a bit of pocket money should she wish a souvenir or two.

Is her passport up to date? let me know if you have any questions about where we'll be staying. Have a good week --
Best regards,
OP"

Fruby · 13/03/2023 18:00

I think you can assume she knows you’re not expecting her to pay

Createausernametoday · 13/03/2023 18:14

Clear as mud, I bet you wish you’d never asked OP

Tessabelle74 · 13/03/2023 18:18

Just say it'll save you money on under occupancy or something similar to take her along. What a lovely thing to do OP ❤️

I8toys · 13/03/2023 18:28

We've taken our children's friends abroad a couple of times. Just said if they could have money for spends and that was it.

What we were asked for at passport control was a letter from the parents stating that we were allowed to take them out of the country. Not sure if this is still relevant now and I think it only applies to those under 16. This was about 10 years ago.

Cocobutt · 13/03/2023 18:28

I would say it's fairly standard to pay for a child you are taking on holiday, there's no need to be patronising or make up any lies. No need to talk about treating etc or give any excuses as to why you are paying

I think most parents would feel very guilty about not contributing and feel like they should.
If someone took my DD on holiday then I’d definitely want to contribute.
But when you don’t have much money then that’s really difficult.

Taking away the mums guilt is just a nice thing to do.

FatimaHatima · 13/03/2023 18:32

Cocobutt · 13/03/2023 18:28

I would say it's fairly standard to pay for a child you are taking on holiday, there's no need to be patronising or make up any lies. No need to talk about treating etc or give any excuses as to why you are paying

I think most parents would feel very guilty about not contributing and feel like they should.
If someone took my DD on holiday then I’d definitely want to contribute.
But when you don’t have much money then that’s really difficult.

Taking away the mums guilt is just a nice thing to do.

No, they wouldn't.

My DD was asked last year on holiday to accompany her friend, an only child. It didn't particularly suit me, we had a holiday booked already, and my DD was happy to go but wouldn't have minded not. I certainly had no desire to pay for a holiday, or part of one, purely for the benefit of another family and their child! Why on earth would I feel "very guilty" for not contributing for a holiday I didn't choose, plan or particularly want?

You invite, you pay, end of story. Extremely patronising to think you need to assuage any imaginary guilt!

SirVixofVixHall · 13/03/2023 18:36

I would have thought if you have asked her to come with you on holiday that is obviously your treat ? Although flights might be ambiguous I suppose.
I agree with pp, just send her a message along the lines of “ I am not sure if I clarified, but as Friend is our guest she doesn’t need to get flight tickets or anything else, only general spending money for the trip” .

Eyerollcentral · 13/03/2023 18:38

FatimaHatima · 13/03/2023 18:32

No, they wouldn't.

My DD was asked last year on holiday to accompany her friend, an only child. It didn't particularly suit me, we had a holiday booked already, and my DD was happy to go but wouldn't have minded not. I certainly had no desire to pay for a holiday, or part of one, purely for the benefit of another family and their child! Why on earth would I feel "very guilty" for not contributing for a holiday I didn't choose, plan or particularly want?

You invite, you pay, end of story. Extremely patronising to think you need to assuage any imaginary guilt!

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Yes a lot of imagined strained mothers counting out coppers on this thread, burdened with shame they can’t afford to pay… if you want to take the child on holiday as company for your child, you pay. No need for all the hand wringing.

itsgettingweird · 13/03/2023 19:01

Yes I think reassurance you weren't asking them for a monetary contribution is a good idea.

When I went with a friend at 17yo my friends parents were clear from the start they were asking for cost of flight to be met and some spending money but accommodation and meals would be provided.

Something like "I've been worried we didn't discuss the finances of the trip. I wanted to reassure you that I have invited X and fully intend to cover all expenses. If she would like to being spending money then obviously decide that yourselves. Dd is so excited C is coming and it'll certainly enhanced mine and Dah break having them entertain each other!".

Original poster

viagrafalls · 13/03/2023 19:02

Thanks all - in answer to some questions, we had previously invited her on holiday, and the mum said they would be happy to contribute. In the end despite jumping through hoops our Easyjet flights came to over 4 hundred pounds per person - I was not comfortable asking for this amount of money, so we felt it easier to just absorb the cost. I told the mum that her daughter coming was going to mean I had the most relaxing holiday I'd had in years and that we would cover costs but if she wanted to give her dd money for holiday souvenirs or ice cream that would be great. Thanks to all who commented.
There are downfalls and perks to being the parent of an only child! I am now excited for our holiday.

OP posts:

Dodgeitornot · 13/03/2023 19:06

You sound so lovely. Your DDs friend will remember this. I am from a a family of 5 and we never got to go on holiday. My friend took me on various holidays and we both had such an amazing time. I remember them so fondly.

WGACA · 13/03/2023 19:16

I don’t think this is an uncommon situation. If you invite a child on your holiday, you pay for the majority of it. Don’t overthink it. I think it’s lovely for the girls that they get this opportunity together and I hope you all have a lovely time.

Original poster

viagrafalls · 13/03/2023 19:22

Dodgeitornot · 13/03/2023 19:06

You sound so lovely. Your DDs friend will remember this. I am from a a family of 5 and we never got to go on holiday. My friend took me on various holidays and we both had such an amazing time. I remember them so fondly.

Yes - I also got to go on holiday with a friend whose parents were better off than mine - I treasure those memories. My DD and her best friend are literally climbing the walls in excitement! I just want to sip ice cold wine by the pool. 😆

OP posts:

Original poster

viagrafalls · 13/03/2023 19:27

Cocobutt · 13/03/2023 18:28

I would say it's fairly standard to pay for a child you are taking on holiday, there's no need to be patronising or make up any lies. No need to talk about treating etc or give any excuses as to why you are paying

I think most parents would feel very guilty about not contributing and feel like they should.
If someone took my DD on holiday then I’d definitely want to contribute.
But when you don’t have much money then that’s really difficult.

Taking away the mums guilt is just a nice thing to do.

thats all this was about really- I just wanted to take away any ambiguity as I know how sometimes things can build up in the mind from my own experience.

OP posts:

Jolie12345 · 13/03/2023 19:28

Zola1 · 13/03/2023 12:00

Ah this will be so lovely for the girls, what a great thing to do!
I would be even more vague and just message and say 'hiya XX, just been thinking that we didn't properly talk about cost for holiday. Just wanted to let you know it barely made a difference to our total cost to bring Y, so don't worry about money, just anything you want to give her for holiday spends. We are so pleased she is coming with us'

This is the one

Findyourneutralspace · 13/03/2023 19:32

I’d just start by saying….

Hi, just letting you know I’ve confirmed all the flights and accommodation for the holiday. We’re leaving at X time on X day, staying at Y. It’s all paid for so all your DD needs is her suitcase and a bit of spending money. We’re so glad she can come along - DD is really excited and so are we…’

Or something like that.

SomePeopleAreJustBloodyStupid · 13/03/2023 19:34

hattie43 · 13/03/2023 12:00

Hmm I think I'd say I'd had an unexpected windfall or something . I wouldn't want the mum thinking they are beholden to me or feeling I took pity on her daughter .

Mum - I need to pay you for Y's holiday .
You - oh god sorry forgot to say we've had a scratch card win and would like to treat her so don't worry . If you could send her with some holiday pocket money though that'd be great .

this