How to let someone know I'm paying for their child without embarrassing them

[viagrafalls]

We are taking my daughters best friend on holiday and have decided that we can cover the full price of flights and accommodation for her. Her family are in slightly reduced circumstances and also have more than one child so money has been tighter for them recently than us. Its honestly going to mean more of a holiday for us to have her along. I just would like to let the mum know without making her feel embarrassed. Its been quite ambiguous until now, but If she's anything like me she will be silently worrying about the moment when I ask her for money. So far I've got "Hi XXXX, I just wanted to let you know that we're able to treat YYYY to this holiday so there is no need to reimburse us for flights etc. If you'd like to give her some money for souvenirs etc then I' sure that would be great".

This

I wouldn't do the whole "we are treating her" wording. If someone said it like that to me I would really feel beholden to them.

ive been in this situation and I agree - it would be better to say flights and accoodsation are of course covered by us as it will be a pleasure to have her along for company for X, so she'll only need <small nominal amount 50 quid or whatever> for some sovenirs.

When my DC have been treated like this I've always given them money towards food and told them to make sure they at least pay for the ice creams, or whatever.

Just say we are happy to pay if you’re ok with that. Don’t go into chapter and verse. If their not happy they’ll say.

I think this is perfect. This is the response that seems the most genuine to me.

Right, ok, but if the friend's parents are already assuming the OP is paying for their daughter to come along, why is the OP tying herself in knots trying to find a way to tell them they don't need to pay? Including considering lying to make them feel better, e.g., scratch card win, no additional costs incurred for additional child, etc. etc.? If that assumption is already there, surely the OP doesn't need to do anything.

This would be the perfect way to do it.

It’s always good to be clear….as people have different expectations and that can cause misunderstandings and awkwardness or stress, so good to communicate now about it.

We’ve often taken other children on holiday with us and always covered the cost. We invited them and so they were our guest. They always came with some spending money and some had clearly been told to offer to buy a meal out or ice creams. We’d let them buy ice creams, but not a full meal.

Sometimes our children also got taken away by other families and similar happened.

If it was the first time a particular child was coming with us, we’d always text something similar to the suggestions mentioned here….that we were thrilled X was joining us and that we would all enjoy their company. We would mention that they might want to just bring a little bit of spending money. The fact this was said, made clear we didn’t need anything for the cost of the holiday. Usually it was self catering, so accommodation didn’t usually cost more, but there were costs for eating out, activities etc but we were happy to pay them.

Amongst the families of our kids’ friends, when they were smaller, they’d often get taken out for the day with another family or we’d take a kid along with us. The host always paid and no-one really seemed to keep count. It was just how it worked in our group. I realise not everyone does that.

It’s tricky to invite someone to come away with you and then to want them to pay their way, if you’re talking about a child. The only way I think that could be okay is if when the original invitation is issued, the amount of money it would cost them is mentioned. Otherwise they can’t answer in full receipt of the relevant information.

There are often threads on MN about this kind of thing when after agreeing to take a child, the OP wants to ask for cash, or after someone has accepted an invitation without mention of money, the host has asked for cash. It really has to be mentioned at time of invitation if money will be required. And personally, I’m if the view that if you aren’t going to cover all or the bulk of their costs, don’t invite another child.

I suppose it depends on what is the norm for your social group
I ahem taken loads of children on holiday and never had a single conversation about money, its a given, you invite then you pay.

Actually them bringing spending money can be a pain as you then have to give all the children the same.

Don’t say treat. Makes it sound more like it’s charity. All you have to say is the holiday is all booked, these are the dates, all x needs is her spending money, we’re really looking forward to having her join us. Please don’t use treat.

"HI, Just to let you know all the details. Flights and accommodation all covered from our end...your Dd will / will not be covered by our travel insurance (and discuss details as relevant - have you insured her?? Do you want her parents to pay for a policy? I would definitely get her covered by the same company as you). Just let me know details of her passport and send her with what ever pocket / spending money she would like. Looking forward to it. Viagara"

Indeed, don't use 'treat'.

Are you sure that the Mum will be expecting to pay anything anyway? If she isn't then it will sound a little odd you telling her that it's covered.
I'm only saying this because I would only ever invite a child if I was willing to cover the whole cost anyway. If I wasn't willing to I would have stated at the very start how much it was going to be when extending the invitation. If my child had been invited somewhere I would ask how much it was going to cost from the get go.
Has the whole thing really been planned with no mention of money at all? The Mum hasn't even said to let her know the cost? If so I just wouldn't say anything and assume you were both of the understanding you were covering it anyway.

Why not say, "she'll only need any personal spends for herself".

We had the opposite. BFF invited DC2. The dad rang me and gave me a sum, calculated on the basis of flights and accommodation (they own the accommodation"... so we declined and booked our family holiday for the same time. I would never have expected a free holiday for her but I thought accommodation was a bit cheeky!

Why wasn't this a discussion when she was invited? I'd have said at the time, obviously this is an expense we would cover if its OK she joins us.

I think this is nice

Delete the bit about the money for souvenirs shes. It going to send her with absolutely nothing is she sounds well patronising.

My daughter got invited on holiday with a friend because the teenager was grumpy about going away with parents and a much younger sibling. They offered to pay for flights for her, and the accommodation was self catering so little or no extra cost for them. They said it would improve their holiday so much to have someone to keep the teen company so they were happy to pay. I was happy to let them pay!

This should have all been discussed when the offer was made. However, if my child was invited on holiday with their friends family I would assume they were paying. I’d expect to pay for spends and insurance but I’d be cross if the offer was made then money requested at a later date. (But this is why it’s important to be clear up front).

I also agree rhe posters message was better, don’t be saying we are treating her etc, it leads the mum to say no, no don’t do that.

just say we are so delighted your daughter is coming, it makes rhe holiday much better for us and we are all excited. I wanted to clarify the way we group booked this versus for just 3 of us, on breakdown of all costs inc flights , food, transfers, activities and hotels etc there is no actual additional costs , which was a result, so the only funds would be if you wish to to give her some pocket money for souvenirs etc.

and leave it there.

Just send holiday details and attach message, 'our treat' we're looking forward to having her, all she needs is swimsuit, suncream, hat.... '. Keep it light.

Don't say 'treat ' - that is awful.
Say she is your guest and that a bit of money for souvenirs would be good.

I am sorry to keep going on about this but absolutely don’t say our treat. It’s patronising and singles the child out. All you need to say is the holiday is all booked, here are the dates, we are looking forward to going. The mother will follow up if she isn’t clear in which case say the difference in cost was negligible and as you know you are really doing us a favour as x daughter will be a nightmare without x to join us. But do not say treat or any variation of.

Hi XXXX, I just wanted to let you know that we're able to treat YYYY to this holiday so there is no need to reimburse us for flights etc. If you'd like to give her some money for souvenirs etc then I' sure that would be great".

I would not say that you can cover the cost, if someone said that to me I'd be concerned that they were still expecting me to cover the costs.

My parents often did this, they would always thank the child's parents for letting her join you as company for your own child. Confirm that you will cover all the usually costs for travel, food, accommodation and any trips do that their won't need any money but might like to have some spending money.

I would also make sure that my own child had only as much spending money as the visitor, in collaboration with the parents. If it's less than you would usually give, you can be a tad more lenient than usual about giving 'money for icecremes' during the holiday, making sure you are clear that anything you give is for both.

You are doing a lovely thing. Making sure no one knows that, is part of doing it kindly.

does anyone else remember a thread where someone's DS had been invited on another family's holiday and was starving because they weren't covering his meals but also kept only going to expensive steak restaurants that he couldnt afford with the little cash he had brought?

point being, there is no "norm" ...

This.

That sound like she cant bring any luggage