Fat shamed my daughter and now feel terrible and looking for advice on how to handle it.

[99problemsincludinghavingteenagedaughters]

NC for this…

I’ll start by saying this is completely out of character for me and I’m normally very careful of the language I use around my girls, however this has been a fairly long going issue and I snapped this morning and now feel terrible.

DD11 has gone from a very slim and active child to one with little energy and has turned into a bit of couch potato, she has also gained quite a lot weight. This on its own wasn’t too concerning she is my 3rd child so I’m well aware of the hormone change and the Y7 energy and personality slump, she has also changed shape and has got her period this year.

What is however is really worrying me is she has been binge eating which has built up over a quite a long time and now is the worst it’s ever been.

It started with the odd extra chocolate biscuit for snack time or can of juice (not allowed unless she asks) which I’d find hidden behind the sofa, I never made a big deal as thought normal kid like behaviour and she was also really active, XC running, riding, triathlons so using a lot of energy, we just upped her meal sizes and spoke about healthy food choices (in general and not in relation to the extra snacks)

Skip 18 months and we are here, it’s got so bad that even bags of sugar aren’t safe…

Snack on Friday afternoon after school was a pack of mini cheddars, 2 slices of toast an orange and a doughnut and as soon as I’m in for work she’ll ask what’s for dinner.

She will hide packaging, wrappers, cartons cans behind her bed, down the pack of toilets, under the sofa. If we confront her or even just try to talk to her about it she will either deny or ignore, mimic us and storm off.

todays catalyst was I found out in 3 days she has eaten an entire tub of ice cream, a family size tub of mango piece’s in fruit juice, a jar of Nutella and was getting stuck into a bag of Doritos at 10am

For the 1st time I was very straight with her and told her she was getting bigger and it’s because of her diet, I didn’t use the word fat but I did say that her dream sport/goals won’t be reachable and she just won’t have the fitness level or physique to do it and that she really needs to stop binge eating or else we will have to take her to the Dr.

She did get very upset and hasn’t spoken to me for the rest of the day, I’ve since apologised but commenting on her appearance/weight but that I’m worried about her and we need to address it but she is having none of it.

I know I haven’t handled this correctly but I’m very open to advice on how to take it from here…

How serious do we think this is sounding, is it something I can work through (correctly) at home, or should I now be reaching out to a GP

(So not to drip feed she had a test for diabetes a few months back in relation to something else and got the all clear. We also took her to the HV when she was a toddler as was really desperately thirsty for juice, she would try and get to and drink all the cups set out at toddler group and no drink was safe if out, she also often has a pear drop smell to her breath and with her now eating raw sugar have always wondered if there is something medical going on)

Normally the people who are all 'dont comment on any weight change' etc are rather large though.

Yep!

An under active thyroid ?

Balloonpopped
whipping up hysteria over “ binge eating” and causing guilt over food is a sure fire way to cause anorexia.

Op until you list what she’s eating on an average day it’s pointless.

Round of applause.

I would say an average normal day…

Breakfast, pancakes and blueberry’s honey
Scrambled eggs on toast
Granola, fruit, yogurt.

Lunch Tomato soup, bread
Sushi
Pasta salad/tuna wrap

Snacks. Cheese strings
Cooked sausages
Carrot sticks/hummus

Smoothies

Yogurt pouch’s
Cereal bars
Fruit

After
School
snack Toast
tea cakes

Home made cake
Pancakes etc
( access to all fruit and veg)

Dinner. Lasagna

Red Thai Salmon curry
Risotto

Fish tacos

(obs not at once!!)

So what is she having on an average day?

@twitterexile What's bizarre about it? I never mentioned her gaining weight and bought her larger versions of school uniform and other clothes without discussing it as I could see she was conscious about it. So the only time it would come up was when she would try to borrow clothes and nothing fit - she'd got used to raiding my wardrobe and would get upset that things weren't fitting any more. Literally this is the only time we would talk about it because she would get annoyed when things didn't fit. I'd tell her how normal it is for weight to fluctuate at her age, and lo and behold she's now back down to a healthy weight within just over an year. I was just making the point that it may be a hormone issue for OPs child too.

But how much of a weight change is there? She was slim and is apparently still slim. She’s also a couch potato but does lots of activity. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It doesn’t make sense. Some weight gain is normal for kids going through puberty.

Please stop being ignorant, it is absolutely not a 'sure fire way to cause anorexia'.

I'm so sorry.i hope your ok.you don't deserve this to be how you feel.

Hi there,

haven't rtft and I really don't like amateur armchair diagnosing...
BUT!!
your saying her breath smells of pear drops leapt out at me
I'm not a doctor but isn't that sometimes a sign of diabetes? or anorexia?
It's obviously a very specific symptom
I know you say she's been checked for diabetes but could you ask for more help in that direction?
it's just odd that she already had something that made you/your doc think of diabetes and now the pear drop smell
or it could be indicative of some other physical problem that may be easily solved
I would have thought that she'd need to lay off sugar asap
it may have an emotional cause, of course, but just couldn't read and run when I saw "pear drop".
I had anorexia as an older teen and constantly had ketones in my urine- the result of my body using up fat stores for energy rather than having it supplied by food
I worked in a hospital environment so could obsessively test my urine and seeing those ketones gave me great satisfaction due to my warped thinking.
I'm absolutely fine now, no lasting damage either to my body or my relationship with food but I think she def needs checking out at docs and don't forget to mention the pear drop smell!!
good luck to you both

She’s not eating enough, that is why she’s eating other foods.

We’ve been told by the dietician that teenagers should be having 3 meals, 2 pudding and 3 snacks.

And that is for a teen not doing triathlons. Her clothes are getting smaller because they change shape and get more womanly at this age.

Yes, I’m getting the impression OP’s Dd is eating unhealthy food, but is still burning more calories than she’s consuming. Perhaps her meals are too small or don’t contain enough fat and she’s having a growth spurt so has a ravenous appetite. Probably very underweight pre-puberty so needed to gain weight.

Op is there any chance your daughter is being bullied? My daughter started binge eating at 12 she was so unhappy. She had reached puberty at 11 and was full busted. She didn't like to be more shapely than her friends. Even at her girls school the other year 9 pupils who were very thin had not started their periods and she felt a 'large' person at a size 12 and 5'9''. It took years for her to stop the food stealing.
I have told her every day she is beautiful. My mother never did that for me. I am sure your daughter is too. My mother was a 70s dieter, it screwed me up. I have been a size 8-22 and if I mention being fat on munsnet I get told to sort myself out! A size 6 is tiny and she couldn't weigh more than 7 stone. Please really think about what is normal not this 'Instagram tiny dress size bullshit'. A size 10 teenager was thin in my day. If she is a athlete she will weigh more anyway.
If it helps at all my DD now eats very healthy and her unhappiness was school based. Please give her a cuddle and say sorry. Children remember these things.

Yes, and a lot of people are projecting their own issues with food onto your situation.

They seem to have overlooked two important lines from the OP:
”it’s got so bad that even bags of sugar aren’t safe…”
“with her now eating raw sugar have always wondered if there is something medical going on”

Eating raw sugar is not normal and is definitely alarming. If she ate enough for you to notice then that is well beyond a kid taking a lick of something sweet.

Suddenly quitting several sports/activities that she used to enjoy and changing her eating habits are definitely alarming signs, especially at her age. You’re right to be concerned about her behaviour and to speak to the GP about it.

Has she mentioned any sort of bullying or comments? One thing that immediately jumped to mind with her developing a bit early was someone making vile comments about her body while she was running/swimming etc. That is easily enough to cause a girl to quit sport. It actually happened to a friend of mine at 10/11, both teasing from other kids and inappropriate comments from adults. She ended up quitting all three teams she was on, it was quite sad.

For maximum satiety each meal needs protein and ideally a source of good fat. The lunches are really lacking in protein and the breakfasts and lunch are both lacking in good fats. Tomato soup and bread for example I would expect her to be starving when she gets in, not many calories, no protein, hardly any fat at all. Depending on what's in the smoothies they're not really a good snack as they're blended fruit your body basically processes them as sugar which causes a blood sugar spike, again making you hungry - usually, the fibre you eat when you eat a piece of fruit essentially balances out that sugar effect, but this doesn't happen when fruit is blended.

I can see why on some days she would be really hungry here tbh. When is she doing all the activity? If it's at school she's going to be absolutely ravenous on a diet like this during the day tbh

Normally the people who are all 'dont comment on any weight change' etc are rather large though.

Do you know why, though? It's usually because they had those comments made to them when they were young and it added to their issues. Children with food issues often grow into adults with food issues.

Agree@twitterexile …absolutely bizarre comment!

Yes this was my point. I think the context is key. Would I comment if my daughter went from a size 6 to an 8 or 10 - no. Normal healthy size. If my daughter went from an 8 to an 18 - yep, I'd be wondering if something is going on, if she's okay, etc. OP is making a huge deal about her daughter going from child sizes to one of the smallest adult woman clothing sizes over the course of 18 months, and in that time she's started her period and is growing. Really nothing to create about, and saying that isn't being someone 'woke' who 'doesnt ever want to comment about weight'.

Talking about her health and not focusing on her shape or weight might be the best way to go.
it does sound like she needs help. I remember my dm saying awful things to me at that age and older. It doesn’t help.

So maybe I wasn’t clear enough..

she wouldn’t just get one thing in her lunch…

A typical lunchbox…

pasta salad
a cooked sausage
carrots and cucumber
smoothie/yogurt pot
Cake/biscuit
strawberries

OP - can you clarify the comment you made about raw sugar please?

I can't see any more information about this in your posts.

How much raw sugar is your DD eating?
Is she eating raw sugar on its own?
Or is she just loading up her cereal etc with raw sugar?
How many times have you found her eating raw sugar?

The rest of her diet seems unremarkable, if a little bit unsatisfying depending on the combination of meals/snacks. But the raw sugar is less common and several PP have pointed to this as an issue.

A bit more detail would be useful if possible.

“Snack on Friday afternoon after school was a pack of mini cheddars, 2 slices of toast an orange and a doughnut”

So given that she should have had a pudding with her lunch which the doughnut could have been calorie wise and needs 3 snacks a day( a packet of mini cheddars wouldn’t be enough as only around 100 calories) she is clearly not over eating or binge eating and just hungry.

Depending on what you put in the pasta salad it still doesn't sound like a lot of protein and almost no good fat though

Not a lot of protein, or should I say nutrients. The food isnt nutrient dense. So she will get hungrier than if it was.

The problem is with the concept of 'healthy snacks' and people cite things like cucumber and carrot sticks, its not nutrient dense so your body still craves

personally carbs in general make me ravenous