Fat shamed my daughter and now feel terrible and looking for advice on how to handle it.

[99problemsincludinghavingteenagedaughters]

NC for this…

I’ll start by saying this is completely out of character for me and I’m normally very careful of the language I use around my girls, however this has been a fairly long going issue and I snapped this morning and now feel terrible.

DD11 has gone from a very slim and active child to one with little energy and has turned into a bit of couch potato, she has also gained quite a lot weight. This on its own wasn’t too concerning she is my 3rd child so I’m well aware of the hormone change and the Y7 energy and personality slump, she has also changed shape and has got her period this year.

What is however is really worrying me is she has been binge eating which has built up over a quite a long time and now is the worst it’s ever been.

It started with the odd extra chocolate biscuit for snack time or can of juice (not allowed unless she asks) which I’d find hidden behind the sofa, I never made a big deal as thought normal kid like behaviour and she was also really active, XC running, riding, triathlons so using a lot of energy, we just upped her meal sizes and spoke about healthy food choices (in general and not in relation to the extra snacks)

Skip 18 months and we are here, it’s got so bad that even bags of sugar aren’t safe…

Snack on Friday afternoon after school was a pack of mini cheddars, 2 slices of toast an orange and a doughnut and as soon as I’m in for work she’ll ask what’s for dinner.

She will hide packaging, wrappers, cartons cans behind her bed, down the pack of toilets, under the sofa. If we confront her or even just try to talk to her about it she will either deny or ignore, mimic us and storm off.

todays catalyst was I found out in 3 days she has eaten an entire tub of ice cream, a family size tub of mango piece’s in fruit juice, a jar of Nutella and was getting stuck into a bag of Doritos at 10am

For the 1st time I was very straight with her and told her she was getting bigger and it’s because of her diet, I didn’t use the word fat but I did say that her dream sport/goals won’t be reachable and she just won’t have the fitness level or physique to do it and that she really needs to stop binge eating or else we will have to take her to the Dr.

She did get very upset and hasn’t spoken to me for the rest of the day, I’ve since apologised but commenting on her appearance/weight but that I’m worried about her and we need to address it but she is having none of it.

I know I haven’t handled this correctly but I’m very open to advice on how to take it from here…

How serious do we think this is sounding, is it something I can work through (correctly) at home, or should I now be reaching out to a GP

(So not to drip feed she had a test for diabetes a few months back in relation to something else and got the all clear. We also took her to the HV when she was a toddler as was really desperately thirsty for juice, she would try and get to and drink all the cups set out at toddler group and no drink was safe if out, she also often has a pear drop smell to her breath and with her now eating raw sugar have always wondered if there is something medical going on)

BTW i'm not saying your daughter necessarily has an ED
Just that the presence of ketones can cause pear drop smell
and one cause of ketones is anorexia/bulimia
another is diabetes
so it's imperative that she's checked out medically
and it sounds like you've addressed it perfectly well and sensibly with your daughter-
what are you supposed to do?
ignore any sanctimonious comments- fat positivity is not a good thing and tantamount to neglect
good luck x

Exactly this - esp the hiding it, it’s like a compulsion you know you shouldn’t do it but I have to - the guilt then leads to comfort eating. Go to the doctor

She doesn’t need 3 snacks a day, few people do.

Needing 3 snacks a day would suggest her meals are not appropriate portions or adequately nutritious.

Sounds like she needs more meat/protein to keep her full.

I think theres some truth in this. We have an obesity epidemic which is killing us and killing societies resources. Equally lots of us have been harmed by being put on diets when young children etc

I notice someone said above, if her daughter went from a 6, 8, 10, its not a problem, they're growing. This is true. But equally that poster said but it would be different if they went from an 8 to an 18. But in order to get to the 18, you go through all those sizes first, at which point do you point it out, by the time you point it out its probably too late.

It doesn't really matter what she's eating because she isn't overweight! Yes she appears to eat a lot here but clearly she is very active otherwise she would be very overweight, it's not complicated.

If she is burning say 3k calories a day then she needs around 3k calories! She's wearing aged 12-13 clothes and is going through puberty. You have massive, massive issues around food and I find your blasé attitude quite shocking. How can you be 'confronting' (direct quote) your 11 year old about hiding food and be worrying about what she's eating AND STILL be buying unhealthy food for everyone else? I'm sorry but someone has to say it and that's awful parenting. YOU bought ice cream, Nutella and Doritos into the house despite your worries your daughter binge eats and you're baffled that she ate it and sitting her down for conversations about why her clothes don't fit - urm hello because she's growing? Absolute madness. I wish I could give your daughter a hug because doesn't she need it.

You came on here to ask if you handled today badly, when people (although not everyone) have told you that you are the problem and you clearly have food issues, you've backpedaled ridiculously, like your OP was written by someone else?! You do police food, you say right there in your OP you confront your daughter when she hides snacks. It started with her having an 'extra biscuit' - extra? What's extra? So more than she has been told she can have, otherwise how could she have extra? Having your 11 year old and teens have to ask for a can of drink once a week and everything in between. Seriously, take some time to do some self reflection because you are doing serious damage.

We’ve had several maintenance meal plans from hospital paediatric dieticians and snacks are included.

P r e a c h

There is truth in it, but it doesn't apply to a size 6 11 year old! Talking about fat positivity in this context is just mental.

That is a pretty spectacular leap. Ignore this OP

It doesnt apply now but if what OP is saying is right (and quite honestly its difficult to work out what is happening in the house) and she is over eating then her trajectory is one of putting on more and more weight to the extent that at some point she will be overweight and then obese.

I notice there are lots of mixed messages in this thread. Posters berating the OP because they think its clear that her daughter isjust eating ok because she is growing and because she isnt overweight then its just what she needs to eat. But in the same post berating OP because she has 'unhealthy food' in the house and accusing OP of having 'food issues'. I think anyone defining food as healthy or unhealthy probably also has food issues, food is neutral really.

I understand the fear of turning her into an anorexic or bullimic but they are not that common. Far more so is overweight children becoming overweight adults and struggling all their lives.

You do need to sit down and talk with her.

I agree with your comments re pear drops and getting it checked out medically.

But have you read all of the OP's updates? She admits that her DD is NOT overweight and if she says that if anyone looked at DD, no one would think she's overweight. DD is only a size 6. Her OP says that her DD is a couch potato but later says that her DD mucks out horses twice a day, goes riding and also walks the dogs, does dance club. Hardly an inactive child and certainly not a "couch potato"!!

OP says this has been "going on for 18 months" - and despite what she is describing as binge eating, her DD isn't overweight - by her own admission.

There's no "fat positivity" going on here - the OP literally has admitted her DD isn't overweight at all!

She's an 11 yr old girl who has started her periods, and the OP says has big boobs already. OP thinks the fact that her DD's clothes are getting tight is an issue - but that's what happens when girls hit puberty.

OP seems to think that because none of the other family members are hungry, DD can't possibly be hungry either.

I'm not trying to pile onto someone - but the fact that the OP is doubling down and still insisting that DD is overeating when there's literally nothing that points to that at all.

She needs larger portions. She needs more than an adult woman.

Breakfast - Sounds good if it’s 2-3 eggs but I’m guessing there isn’t much time to prepare this on school days. Opt for 2 Weetabix and milk and a piece of toast.

Lunch - Tomato soup or sushi won’t fill up a teen with a fast metabolism. How big is the portion of pasta salad? Up the amount of carbs and protein. Does she have a packed lunch? I would add some of the snacks to lunch eg cheese string, sausages, cereal bar and smoothie (all of these).

After school snack - Toast or cake with a banana and full fat Greek yoghurt.

Dinner - Sounds good but she needs an adult-sized portion. Probably more than yours.

Evening snack - Maybe more full fat Greek yoghurt and fruit.

I'd get her checked out for thyroid and hormonal issues too.

This is very othering and if she gets any kind of whiff that you worry because she is different to the rest of her family, it would be devastating. A pp was right in suggesting you look at intuitive eating and question your own food rules - which can be very deeply inbedded. For eg you mentioned doritos at 10am, but what if she were eating a croissant - would that cause you to worry in the same way despite it not really having any great nutritional benefits either, but is considered a breakfast/morning food

As someone who has ADHD I also thought this. My daughters only 3.5 and clearly has ADHD. If we have the food in the house she often eats similar quantities to your daughter.

She could just be hungry?

I was also riding at that age, had started my periods at 9, and the hunger was insane. I remember my dad asking if I had worms when I had two portions of my evening meal and then a bowl of cereal before bed!

At agricultural college (so older but still hungry!) we would get
Full English breakfast plus cereal plus toast, hot and cold drink, fruit and yoghurt
Hot or cold lunch plus fruit/dessert
Evening meal plus dessert or cheese or fruit
Evening snacks of cereal/cheese on toast
We were all doing yard duties and riding a lot

OP just reaching out to say be gentle with yourself - you sound like you do all the right things and are only human for losing your patience (what you said wasn’t bad). You’ll both move past that.

Re what’s going on behind this - I’m no doctor but I have been through significant disordered eating and all the quirks that come with that. I would say something sounds medically ‘off’ - an imbalance or something like diabetes. It’s the raw sugar that makes me sense test and the fact that YOU are sending that. I get the binging on everything else could just be a straight forward ED, but it sounds compulsive in a different way (I had a pica when I was pregnant/ breastfeeding and ate something equally as random in enormous quantities - it was obviously something my body wasn’t getting and it stopped almost overnight after baby / feeding). The need for it was primal. I would definitely speak to one of the eating disorder clinics, keep posting for experiences so that you can try and put a picture together and make an appointment with your GP. If you can, it may be worth going privately to the right paediatrician.

Also worth sitting your daughter down and talking through your worry - she can probably take it and most likely has her own.

I just don't think it's the same situation. This is a child gaining weight from a growth spurt and starting her period. That gain is literally meant to happen, we don't stay the same size as when we were children. By all means, if she carries on gaining weight consistently then start to think about taking more action. But this could've been a watch and wait situation, it's very common for kids to suddenly gain weight then they grow later so for a while they're a bit chubby - but it doesnt even sound like that's happened here given the child is still just a size 6! It's a huge fuss over nothing. Instead it sounds like OP has massively panicked for no real reason, especially when the child's diet doesn't sound great.

But after 18 months of ‘binge eating’/overeating, this tall for her age 11 year old is a size 6.

There are some issues with what she’s eating but she’s clearly not eating too many calories. Increase protein and good fats, decrease the amount of nutrient deficient foods and my guess is everything will be fine.

There’s an issue as to why OP describes an active child as a couch potato. And she’s talking to her daughter in terms of her weight when that isn’t the issue. It’s strange.

Clearly this post was aimed at me. I used the words unhealthy because it was relevant in the context. OP stated her daughter was consuming a lot of junk food, loads of sugar and the final straw was when she ate a tub of ice cream, Nutella and doritos over three days. My post pointed out to the OP that she is the person who brought these foods into the house, despite having 'difficulties' with her daughter 'binge eating junk' over the last 18m. Nothing in my post suggests I have issues with food, what a bizarre thing to suggest.

OP clearly has issue with food, you can tell by the language she uses. She threatens medical treatment as a punishment if her daughter doesn't stop eating 'too much', she 'confronts' her daughter for hiding food wrappers and today she told her that her clothes don't fit because she eats too much. She also clearly polices food. Talking about 'extra' biscuits and one can of drink a week. OP also says her daughter is tall, womanly shaped and has started her periods in the last year, yet despite that, she thinks her daughter's clothes don't fit because of overeating. Along with this like an outsider would think she's average sized and not overweight...so only OP can see her true fatness or something? Really odd behaviour.

Yep if there isn’t anything available she will dig into sugar bags, icing sugar, bottles of honey…

She will quite often top up sugar with sugar too so ice cream with Fresh fruit but also top with honey of maple syrup…

I dont disagree with you, Im just explaining that its really hard to judge for parents. But in this case OP hasnt really answered some of the questions straightforwardly so its hard to know what is going on. She's probably fed up of the pile on but she could have been clearer in the first place

I dont think putting maple syrup or honey on a desert is that unusual. It is unusual to dip into a bag of sugar, I presume you mean to eat on a spoon by itself, not putting it on another food?

But no different to eating sherbert dib dabs.....

This is the problem when we identify one food as one thing and the same food in a different guise as something else

In fact the fruit on the ice cream or the ice cream on the fruit is sugar topped with sugar. An ice cream with chocolate sauce or raspberry sauce is sugar on sugar.... the list is endless

This story just keeps on changing. Before, it was that she has full access to all these healthy snacks all the time, but she's eating jars of Nutella and ice cream in secret. Now it's if there isn't anything available then she will eat sugar and honey... so that sounds like she is probably hungry, seeing as her diet is lacking nutrients and calories, and when there's nothing else available, she is resorting to eating sugar? She needs a better diet and shouldn't be in a situation where the only thing available to eat is raw sugar and honey, sorry OP. Lots of work to do.