Fat shamed my daughter and now feel terrible and looking for advice on how to handle it.

[99problemsincludinghavingteenagedaughters]

NC for this…

I’ll start by saying this is completely out of character for me and I’m normally very careful of the language I use around my girls, however this has been a fairly long going issue and I snapped this morning and now feel terrible.

DD11 has gone from a very slim and active child to one with little energy and has turned into a bit of couch potato, she has also gained quite a lot weight. This on its own wasn’t too concerning she is my 3rd child so I’m well aware of the hormone change and the Y7 energy and personality slump, she has also changed shape and has got her period this year.

What is however is really worrying me is she has been binge eating which has built up over a quite a long time and now is the worst it’s ever been.

It started with the odd extra chocolate biscuit for snack time or can of juice (not allowed unless she asks) which I’d find hidden behind the sofa, I never made a big deal as thought normal kid like behaviour and she was also really active, XC running, riding, triathlons so using a lot of energy, we just upped her meal sizes and spoke about healthy food choices (in general and not in relation to the extra snacks)

Skip 18 months and we are here, it’s got so bad that even bags of sugar aren’t safe…

Snack on Friday afternoon after school was a pack of mini cheddars, 2 slices of toast an orange and a doughnut and as soon as I’m in for work she’ll ask what’s for dinner.

She will hide packaging, wrappers, cartons cans behind her bed, down the pack of toilets, under the sofa. If we confront her or even just try to talk to her about it she will either deny or ignore, mimic us and storm off.

todays catalyst was I found out in 3 days she has eaten an entire tub of ice cream, a family size tub of mango piece’s in fruit juice, a jar of Nutella and was getting stuck into a bag of Doritos at 10am

For the 1st time I was very straight with her and told her she was getting bigger and it’s because of her diet, I didn’t use the word fat but I did say that her dream sport/goals won’t be reachable and she just won’t have the fitness level or physique to do it and that she really needs to stop binge eating or else we will have to take her to the Dr.

She did get very upset and hasn’t spoken to me for the rest of the day, I’ve since apologised but commenting on her appearance/weight but that I’m worried about her and we need to address it but she is having none of it.

I know I haven’t handled this correctly but I’m very open to advice on how to take it from here…

How serious do we think this is sounding, is it something I can work through (correctly) at home, or should I now be reaching out to a GP

(So not to drip feed she had a test for diabetes a few months back in relation to something else and got the all clear. We also took her to the HV when she was a toddler as was really desperately thirsty for juice, she would try and get to and drink all the cups set out at toddler group and no drink was safe if out, she also often has a pear drop smell to her breath and with her now eating raw sugar have always wondered if there is something medical going on)

Honestly, I don’t think what you said or did is so very wrong. My 16y/o DD is doing the same thing and is hiding in self-denial and I am at my wit’s end. She bought four beautiful dresses for several proms she’s going to this year in the January sales and none of them fit now. I have tried coming at it from a health perspective - as you did, and I am going to have to just say “Kiddo, you’re putting in too much weight and I’m really, really worried!”

*Oh, also… I don’t buy junk food. She has a p/t job and spends her own money on it. I can’t stop her from doing this.

Agreed. Very strange indeed. A stealth boost...

When my daughter put on weight at 11 I knew she was going through puberty too. The weight gain wasn't an issue.

The unhealthy habits that she had developed were separate to the weight gain, and so that was my concern and I was concerned about those habits before she gained weight.

As parents, if our kids develop unhealthy habits that have a high chance of leading to them becoming overweight as teens and adults then it is our duty to discourage those habits, or else most are going to go through their whole life dieting.

I totally understand how hungry kids/teens can be. I never stopped eating as a teenager and was always slim so my body obviously needed it all!

Food is fuel, your dd needs fuel, especially at this stage of her life. If she is hungry she needs to listen to her body and eat

Of course it's true that your body needs fuel, however if someone is eating a lot of junk or sugary food etc. then their hunger signals can misfire.

The other side of it is I have a teenage son who was never that bothered with food and for him it was also my duty as a parent to try to discourage his bad habits and encourage healthier ones.

As parents we're supposed to be setting our kids up for life with healthy, balanced eating habits, not turning a blind eye to habits that we know are unhealthy, even if the kids are a healthy weight.

This idea that mothers should say nothing, and that those who tackle it are obsessed with weight is nonsensical. It's about our childrens wellbeing, and their wellbeing as teenagers and as adults.

For every overweight adult who blames their mother for shaming them for being overweight, there's another who says their mother let them eat whatever they want and never taught them about healthy eating.

Also important to note that despite the backlash that posts like this receive, all government agencies promote parents encouraging healthy eating in children.

How do you know what size meals she's eating??

Also seems like there's plenty of protein and fat.

She has eggs which have both.
Granola has a bit of both. I'm assuming she also has milk with that which also has fat and protein

Sushi - I know nothing about it but googled and there seems to be both.
Tuna wrap - protein

Cheese strings, sausages, yogurt - protein and fat
Hummus - fat and small bit of protein

Plenty of protein in the dinners and some fat in most I assume.

Some things might only have a few grams but it all adds up through the day.

How many grams of protein and fat do you think she should be eating exactly?

Hi OP, I hope you get to read this post. I was essentially your daughter and had binge eating disorder, although obviously didn't know it at the time. It was like I was compulsively driven to unhealthy foods - I used to finish jars of Nutella and this continued into adulthood. I would buy family sized bars of chocolate and eat them, hidden in my car. Or I would eat a huge bag of haribo and hide the wrappers in a draw. The shame when they were found triggered anger, sadness and self loathing which would trigger more binging.
At my highest weight last year I weighed 21.5 stone. Still couldn't stop binging. I ended up having gastric sleeve surgery and finally those demons were calmed. I have never had a compulsion since and have lost almost 10 stone so far. I'm also now back into the sports I did as a kid/teen.
Please know it is a medical disorder your daughter has. Nothing but surgery stopped my compulsions, not shame, not even when I wanted to. I really hope one day more research can go into it as it wasn't just because I was fat and lazy.
Sending lots of love to you both at this difficult time.

Don't see the fat-shaming anywhere. As mothers, we wean babies and teach older kids healthy eating, and this includes talking about what makes you fat and sick.
There seems to be a tabu on MN that you should never say the F word, as if just mentioning weight would spiral a child into mental health issues or eating disorders.
We can talk about these things. Ideally , the house would be junk food free as well

Thank you to all the lovely supportive reply’s and messages, I now know what path I need to go down, starting with research and booking a GP appointment.

I had a lovely open chat with DD last night, we didn’t go into a depth about why she is binging but we did both agree a trip to the GP’s would definitely be worthwhile to get some tests done to see if there is anything physically causing her to crave sugar and then we will take from there.

As my “baby” (last born) she is absolutely cherished but there are some ADHD traits there, (struggling with concepts, sleep issues over the years) so I will bring this up too.

I think you've had a bit of a bashing @99problemsincludinghavingteenagedaughters from some posters but I'm glad you've had supportive posts too.
I think you sound like a lovely, caring and understandably concerned mum.
I'm glad you've had a good chat with your DD and I think it's sensible to just ask for reassurance from your GP.
Hopefully all will be fine and she's just a hungry, growing young lady! Good luck

That sounds positive OP, all the best.

Good luck OP.

It sounds like she may be having trouble dealing with sugar cravings in a healthy way so the sooner she learns healthy habits, the better!

Because causing a fear of fat and weight gain as well as demonising a whole food group as 'junk' absolutely can trigger food restriction which will lead onto an ED in some children.

Given ED are so complex and traumatic to treat it's really not something you would want to increase the risk of in your child.

Other countries (Im thinking primarily of France) have a much more stringent view of being overweight, it isnt tolerated/accepted as much and its more shameful (for want of a better word) than it is here. Consequently they dont have a huge obesity issue although it is growing

I dont know what the matching levels of eating disorders are there though.

I often read threats on here where people will say that the reason they are not overweight, isnt about luck, its because they are disciplined about what they eat, its a lifelong job because in a world where food is calorie dense, available, cheap and designed to get us eating more by the way they are manufactured its something that they have to concentrate on. You cant expect children to understand that if its never mentioned.

She probably doesn’t have eggs for breakfast everyday, but these are a good source of protein and fat. Maybe 2 Weetabix or porridge with milk and toast with peanut butter would be a good option. With the tuna wrap it depends on how much tuna is in there. I love sushi but it won’t be filling for a teen and it depends on the type of sushi. The snacks are good, especially if the yoghurt is full fat Greek yoghurt. Protein and fat content of the dinner depends on the portion size.

This growing teen (who would either be an underweight or lowest end of healthy weight adult) needs more food than a grown woman, especially if she is active. She’s obviously hungry if she’s snacking on sugar. I’m concerned about OP’s potential orthorexia as she says her Dd sometimes eats ‘sugar on sugar’ ie fruit and drizzle of honey on ice cream. There’s literally nothing wrong with that. I say this as a slightly underweight adult who is the height of a 12 year old.

OP says it only happens when she’s due to go shopping and there are no snacks available. Even healthy snacks.

PP have also said the same as me.

So the only time she eats sugar is when there’s no snacks - but you think that’s irrelevant….? Ok then…. 🙄

We can agree to disagree here.

I think straight talking as a first step is not fat shaming but the next step is sitting down with her and working out what a healthy lifestyle looks like including suitable snacks. I have a tendency to binge and it's definitely an impulse control issue, I find I need to not have the offending foods in the house!

If neither works seek professional advice but currently I don't think she'll make the criteria for referral being honest

@99problemsincludinghavingteenagedaughters Emetophobia does not necessarily preclude bulimia (I am 20 + years in recovery). You have to understand it is a release and control issue. I am and always have been a different body type compared to my siblings, I developed early and my Dm was 'critical' of my eating habits and I used bulimia as a way to deal with my anger and upset towards my mother. It has been a long road for me and cycles of binge and restriction, which meant I needed IVF to conceive. Tread very carefully and seek medical help ASAP. When it takes hold, it's quick and a long way back.

Exactly.and teaching someone fat is a bad word.putting it alongside.fat=sick,bad,sinful almost. Look at the stats of young girls getting g eds.look at how many would rather die than be "fat".
You do not no the status of someone's health via being g thin or fat.stop rearing our kids to crave one and fear the other.
Health does NOT equal thin.
Fat does NOT equal bad or sick.
If you really cared about healthoit wouldn't be to do with a focus on weight or their size it would be healthy habits including social,economic awareness.including mood,nutrition,all foods balance,enjoyable movement,sleep,stress,school,work,dna,lifestyle,relationships.
Fat, thin your pushing a horrid narrative which leads to disordered views,behaviours and a lifetime in a society that accepts disordered fucked up food issues.Fucked up size issues.

Sugar on sugar.no mean ice cream and fruit.ice cream and a topping.you mean completely f normal. Jesus she isn't the one with issues around food or size.buuuut give it time.

I agree she needs a thyroid test.

20 years.that is a tremendously amazing thing.proud stranger here.😊

Thanks @kateandme xxx

👍🙂

I'm not seeing much mention of fibre in the dietary advice given here and I think it deserves a mention. Nutrition is more than carbs bad:protein good.

Fibre, especially pulses can help regulate blood sugar, are great for a healthy gut and help you to feel full all whilst being cheaper than protein and less likely to cause constipation and bad breath.

Obviously protein and fat content depends on portion size, do you think anyone thinks oh there's loads of protein and fat in that dinner regardless of whether the portion is big or tiny!!
With the tuna wrap it depends on how much tuna is in there.

Again, obviously. Does that really need to be said? 😂

I still reckon she's likely to be hitting the protein and fat targets she needs.

She’s obviously hungry if she’s snacking on sugar.

No, that is not obvious. There can be other reasons.

I’m concerned about OP’s potential orthorexia as she says her Dd sometimes eats ‘sugar on sugar’ ie fruit and drizzle of honey on ice cream. There’s literally nothing wrong with that.

She was expressing concern about the addiction to sugar, and how her daughter has started adding more sugar to sugar.
That's not orthorexia. That's just common sense and balance.

Obviously sugar is added to some things. If I make pancakes with strawberries and cream for my kids they sprinkle a little bit of sugar on the cream.

If I make pancakes with ice cream on them I would absolutely be concerned if I they felt they needed extra sugar on the ice cream and seemed to be adding it to things that were already very sweet.