Fat shamed my daughter and now feel terrible and looking for advice on how to handle it.

[99problemsincludinghavingteenagedaughters]

NC for this…

I’ll start by saying this is completely out of character for me and I’m normally very careful of the language I use around my girls, however this has been a fairly long going issue and I snapped this morning and now feel terrible.

DD11 has gone from a very slim and active child to one with little energy and has turned into a bit of couch potato, she has also gained quite a lot weight. This on its own wasn’t too concerning she is my 3rd child so I’m well aware of the hormone change and the Y7 energy and personality slump, she has also changed shape and has got her period this year.

What is however is really worrying me is she has been binge eating which has built up over a quite a long time and now is the worst it’s ever been.

It started with the odd extra chocolate biscuit for snack time or can of juice (not allowed unless she asks) which I’d find hidden behind the sofa, I never made a big deal as thought normal kid like behaviour and she was also really active, XC running, riding, triathlons so using a lot of energy, we just upped her meal sizes and spoke about healthy food choices (in general and not in relation to the extra snacks)

Skip 18 months and we are here, it’s got so bad that even bags of sugar aren’t safe…

Snack on Friday afternoon after school was a pack of mini cheddars, 2 slices of toast an orange and a doughnut and as soon as I’m in for work she’ll ask what’s for dinner.

She will hide packaging, wrappers, cartons cans behind her bed, down the pack of toilets, under the sofa. If we confront her or even just try to talk to her about it she will either deny or ignore, mimic us and storm off.

todays catalyst was I found out in 3 days she has eaten an entire tub of ice cream, a family size tub of mango piece’s in fruit juice, a jar of Nutella and was getting stuck into a bag of Doritos at 10am

For the 1st time I was very straight with her and told her she was getting bigger and it’s because of her diet, I didn’t use the word fat but I did say that her dream sport/goals won’t be reachable and she just won’t have the fitness level or physique to do it and that she really needs to stop binge eating or else we will have to take her to the Dr.

She did get very upset and hasn’t spoken to me for the rest of the day, I’ve since apologised but commenting on her appearance/weight but that I’m worried about her and we need to address it but she is having none of it.

I know I haven’t handled this correctly but I’m very open to advice on how to take it from here…

How serious do we think this is sounding, is it something I can work through (correctly) at home, or should I now be reaching out to a GP

(So not to drip feed she had a test for diabetes a few months back in relation to something else and got the all clear. We also took her to the HV when she was a toddler as was really desperately thirsty for juice, she would try and get to and drink all the cups set out at toddler group and no drink was safe if out, she also often has a pear drop smell to her breath and with her now eating raw sugar have always wondered if there is something medical going on)

So your daughter is tall, well into puberty , developing an womanly fshape and is a size 6. She's a size 6 despite supposedly overeating for 18 months. She's also very active.

It's sounds like you're the one with an issue op and should seek some help for yourself.

What's wrong with eating ice cream and fresh fruit? OP I think you need to see a nutritionist or dietitian.

What’s wrong with ice cream, some fruit and a drizzle of honey on top? As I mentioned previously, your dd needs larger meals. You need to increase her protein and fat content. Her diet is really lacking both of these, especially fat.

You said your Dd is tall for her age and a size 6. She has boobs and hips as a woman should, considering she has started her period. Of course she won’t fit into her primary school clothes! She’s woman-sized! She is no where near overweight, but her meals are not large/balanced enough. It seems that you are afraid of fat and sugar.

What?!! 😂

Clearly I mean if we are on pre shopping day, everything else is gone…

I don’t have an infinite amount of snacks, sometimes I don’t buy, sometimes we run out!!

So on the days where there are no other snacks available, that is the only time she eats raw sugar and honey? That's very different to what you've been saying up until now. Just make sure there's always a proper snack. She is starving, her diet is really lacking, some days there's nothing else to snack on so she eats sugar. That's nowhere near as weird as you've been making out?

When my brother and I were teens (and very fit and active) if there were no snacks in the house we ate the sugar cubes. A friend used to make sugar sandwiches for snacks, just sliced bread with sugar sprinkled on.

I don’t really think this is abnormal for teenagers.

God back in the 70s we used to raid the baking cupboard and eat sugar cubes, jelly, anything sweet we could get our hands on. I don’t think eating sugar is a big deal deal going by her daily intake. She’s just hungry.

It makes sense why she stopped doing some of the sports now too. She probably has no energy. Diet lacking protein, fats, and calories. Eating whatever will be a quick boost because she's hungry, and doesn't know enough about nutrition yet to know what's best to fuel herself properly. Puts it all in a very different light, although the general attitude to food, nutrition, and body size still sounds very disordered.

Oh god that has reminded me that my brother used to suck the jelly cubes. Too sweet even for me.

I think it’s time for me to leave this thread…

I came on here after 18 months of worrying about my DD and admittedly reaching a head today and in turn not dealing with it the best I could and looking for some advice.

Its impossible for any poster to put every detail or every inch of their life and worries into a post and then to pulled apart when they are looking for support amongst a what should be a peer group of parents is more stress than I need.

My DD is loved and supported and thanks to a lot of wonderful posters I have a lot reading to do to educate myself and move forward.

Yep jelly cubes (wouldnt be any good these days they;re all sugar free), plus raiding the Woolies pick and mix with your pocket money

Does she eat any actual sweets OP, most kids that age do like sweeties and buy them with pocket money

Its so hard to determine whats going on because OP is not consistent. One minute the entire thread are sure this girl has an ED, next minute she is just hungry because she's growing and OP doesnt feed her enough

Who knows

OP I had a similar situation and my daughter is almost 13 now and it has naturally sorted itself out and what she eats and her eating habits are very normal and balanced!

And before anyone suggests an eating disorder, she's definitely not worried about her weight, she likes her figure (she's developed for her age) and I know she doesn't read food labels etc. because going by her dire results on her recent home economics test she knows literally nothing about calories or carbs etc 😂

Everyone always wants to blame things like this on the mother, but sometimes the mother isn't doing anything wrong and has not passed on unhealthy messages to their kids.

Yep agree with this.

OP didn't previously answer the questions about how often her DD was eating raw sugar, and in what circumstances. This is obviously why.

The fact that the DD snacks on sugar or honey only when there are no snacks in the house, and the fact that her DD's meal plan looks a bit underwhelming - PLUS the fact that her DD is actually very physically active, mucking out horses twice every day - the poor lass is obviously just hungry and looking for a quick sugar hit.

OP has been defending herself very vigorously on here and seems determined to think that there is something wrong with her DD's eating. I'm hoping maybe some of the posts from knowledgeable folk on who have commented might penetrate and make OP think twice.

Yup. ALL meal plans from an ED service will take a 3 meal 3 snacks format, regardless of whether the person is underweight, healthy weight or overweight. What will vary is the calories in each meal / snack.

Going longer without food leaves people vulnerable to binge eating.

The thing is, the Eating Disorders aren’t mutually exclusive. Someone with anorexia can binge eat, someone with BED can go through periods of restriction. It’s not uncommon to move from one clinical ED to another and those with anorexia are at high risk of developing binge eating behaviour in the future, just as those with BED are at risk of developing anorexia. They are not opposites, it isn’t that simple.

I have known people who have died at healthy weights and people who have died of their ED overweight. It’s not necessarily death by starvation (in fact that is less common)

I would suggest a GP for this. I'm overweight with poor control at times but I've never been so desperate for sugar that I've eaten it out the bag. She may well have something going on. If you could get to the bottom of it it could make this all a lot easier for her.

You two are just being daft. When ny dd put on some weight at 11 I didn't say anything, I knew she was entering puberty, I knew chances were it would sort itself out and it did. I'm slim, always have been. It's not unusual for children to put on weight around puberty, their bodies are going through huge changes. They are going to be hungry, going to go through awkward phases, it's all totally normal despite what the OP thinks. A child with a womanly figure that is 12 and a size 6 does not need her figure policing, there is no benefit to policing a slim girls figure only the risk if harm.

I often speak to dd about older generations attitude to weight especially when we see her grandmother who at the age of almost 70 is still obsessed with losing 10lbs. We talk about how sad it is that at her age she still hasn't realised that her body is great, her body has carried her through almost 70 years of good health yet she still punishes it by denying it fuel, by spending hours obsessively walking with only 1 goal in mind, that in 70 years she hasn't learnt that she is good enough just as she is. My own mother was exactly the same, despite always being slim and healthy she was never happy and I grew up with the idea of 'fat'(or anything but super slim) being just about one of the worst things you could be.

There are a lot of those attitudes on mumsnet and it is really sad and they push all of this onto their children and don't even know that they are doing it. Food is fuel, your dd needs fuel, especially at this stage of her life. If she is hungry she needs to listen to her body and eat, not have a mother who insists that she can't possibly be hungry because she is a great cook, no-one else is hungry and shames her for those feelings of hunger leading her to hide her eating and probably feel guilty for doing so.

Op if you're still reading my dd developed an ED when she was 14yo and I have been on a steep learning curve re teens and food ever since (dd is now 17!)

What I would say is that younger teens and pre teens need a huge amount of calories, which is something I had not really appreciated. They are meant to gain weight as it's needed for brain development, puberty and growth as well as fuelling their usual activities.

Your dd sounds fine, I think it's fair enough to comment on the secret eating but not okay to comment on gaining weight which at her age is going to happen and completely normal. I would just give her lots of options of foods she can help herself to like toast, cereal, snacks, fruit etc and make sure she knows she can have these foods whenever she likes.

It was my dds fear of gaining a perfectly normal amount of weight that triggered her ED and trust me you do not want to go there with your dd.

Daughter sounds like she's making unhealthy habits.
Take her for an appointment with a dietition about healthy eating for young women's bodies and for the brain.
Also book a dentist's appointment and ask the dentist to talk to DD about healthy eating for tooth and gum health.

Stop buyings biscuits and sweet snacks. Have fruit and healthy snacks available. Grow a herb & vegie garden and you and DD enroll in an Asian or Greek (or whatever) cookery class or two.
Make cooking healthy and delicious.

Start a family habit of an evening walk and a weekly trip to the pool or bush walking.

Go away for a weekend of camping every couple of months just to reset communication and simple foods and nature.

If she’s into horse riding, that can be a good access point for a conversation about healthy eating. Nutrition is very important to equines ie overeating and laminitis .. my dd was in pony club and had similar issues. Another parent had a conversation focusing on the horses and the importance of what they eat ie if you feed your pony rubbish then they will be poorly and not be able to perform properly (just like people!).. it had far more impact than anything that I was saying!

You never point out the weight. Ever. Because how is that going to help?

I really feel for you here.
I have a similar situation.
I'm a single parent with 3 children . One of them will consume an entire week of groceries in 24-48 hours.
I never restricted food.
Often, I don't actually eat.
If the small amount of carbs have gone, she will eat all of the fruit and salad.

It's like living with a human locust.
She will also cook everything she absolutely doesn't like, then not eat it.
We have constant circular discussions about why. She doesn't know why.
I've never said she's fat.
She isn't fat.

It's an eating disorder.
I've tried shopping daily (very cost effective).
CAMHS waiting list is brutally long, unless you present to A&E.
Please try to support the OP.
This stuff is terrifying.

What absolute nonsense.

Trying to paint a picture that the poor child is so starving that she has to resort to eating a bit of sugar to get some sustenance.

That is very clearly NOT what is going on.

Perhaps she has PCOS Insulin Resistance, when the insulin is high it makes you feel hungry all the time.