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Original poster

DD comes home from uni every weekend

163 replies

lovemetender · 03/03/2023 08:47

I have 3 younger children at home, so I don’t mind it— I was t expecting peace and quiet anyway. However 2nd year DD (21) comes home every opportunity possible. Before Christmas she stayed a few weekends, but lives with her two best mates who are now arguing with one another. She says she now prefers her home friends, who mostly have children.

I read about the great time DC seem to have on here and I’m sad for her. DD doesn’t like partying or drinking and is very shy. Lovely to speak to, and says people sit with her in lessons but she can’t make friends.

Is it bad she’s back every weekend? Not sure what is for the best here

OP posts:

Username98765432 · 03/03/2023 08:55

I’d say it’s fine, let her be who she is. It’s good that she’s welcomed home and will give her more confidence over time.

Whiskers4 · 03/03/2023 09:04

DD moved in with her four best friends in Year 2, and three of them found the other two very hard to live with. Don't think it helped we were still in a form of lockdown with Scotland being stricker so all stuck together in same flat.

The three all ended up moving back home. We went with the flow.

She did a year abroad last year, had the time of her life, but doesn't have so many friends in Year 4 (well not by her standards as she always had liads of friends everywhere). She's feeling the pressure of her final year, so studying for hours and none of them are mixing much.

Mindymomo · 03/03/2023 09:11

My friends DD came home every week Thursday evening to Monday. She had a car and Uni was about 2 hours away. She had friends but liked going home.

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thecatsthecats · 03/03/2023 09:13

If she's not into partying and drinking, then I expect the continuous expectation that socialising means just that is a bit hard on her.

If she's socialising, albeit in a quiet way with her home friends, I'd leave her be.

Theelephantinthecastle · 03/03/2023 09:23

I would encourage her to try out some activities at university - maybe go through a list of university societies with her? It's the best time to try new things, it doesn't have to be about drinking.

If she tries some stuff and still doesn't like it, there you go but I think it's a real shame not to do anything that takes you out of your comfort zone a bit at university

Mariposa26 · 03/03/2023 09:33

I think you should just let her be who she is. If she prefers her home friends, that’s ok isn’t it? I came home from uni every weekend for while, then in my third year got a job in a bar which I absolutely loved and made so many friends that I actually decided to move to my uni city after graduation rather than going home! It will all work out - but if she prefers being home I think that’s ok.

dworky · 03/03/2023 09:44

I don't believe it's a healthy sign, tbh.

Sunnydays0101 · 03/03/2023 09:50

If she’s struggling socially at college, then coming home at weekends is a safe haven for her and I wouldn’t try and suggest she stay in her uni accommodation.

You could suggest she try and join one or two societies but maybe she’s tried that already.

Uni might not be where she’ll have the ‘time of her life’, she’s plenty of years ahead of her still.

Jolinar · 03/03/2023 09:52

I came home every weekend. I was desperately unhappy at uni and wanted home comforts and friends. My parents forced me to stay at uni more, I think in an effort to force me to make friends (which I had tried in the early weeks) but this led to further unhappiness and I ended up just getting really drunk and having lots of casual sex. I joined lots of groups and societies, but I just didn't properly connect with anyone.

Flickeringgreenlight · 03/03/2023 09:57

I went home every weekend during Uni too, Thursday Eve / Friday morning to Sunday. It was 1,5 hours on the train. I loved my uni life, we did party on some weekdays and I did have friends, but I was also really missing my family so it was a great balance for me.

I did eventually relocate and move away so now in my 30s I only see my family once every couple of months. I personally wouldn't think it's anything to worry about, I think it's great she feels comfortable at home and wants to see you! I wouldn't never think this was a negative thing.

mickandrorty · 03/03/2023 09:59

Mines not even moving out to go, everyone else has a problem with it saying i should of pushed her to move out and she will miss out on so much of uni life. Like your dd mine isn't into drinking and partying, i don't see anything wrong with it, they are old enough and smart enough to make their own choices about how they want to spend their free time!

Maryandherlamb · 03/03/2023 10:02

My brother and my SIL (different families... they're not together) came home every weekend from uni. They would leave as soon as they could on a Friday, or sometimes Thursday if they had nothing on a Friday, and would go back on Sunday or even Monday if they started later in the day. I always thought it was quite sad, but it got them through. Neither of them had any long term friends that they made from their courses, but they both have lots of friends at home, so perhaps they were just happy with their lot. Anyway... they're both normal and well rounded people now so I wouldn't worry if she seems happy!

ChilliMum · 03/03/2023 10:04

There is so much pressure to have 'the time of your life' at uni but it's really not the be all and end all and I think it's quite sad if only 1 part of our life is the time of our life.

I had a good time at uni but I also had a good time when I came home and saw my school friends. I liked seeing my family too.

I travelled in my 20s and that was an amazing time but other adventures followed and they were great too.

As long as she is happy then that's all that matters. She has her whole life ahead of her and it's great that she is secure enough to do what makes her happy rather than follow expectations.

AuntieStella · 03/03/2023 10:05

Let her find her way through this. It's good that she still has home friends - and I hope they're meeting up and going out (sell you other DC as cheap babysitters, or offer to look after the baby at yours for a couple of hours if that makes it easier for them to socialise)

Ask from time to time if she fancies bringing back a Uni friend - she'll probably say no, but it's worth her knowing the offer's there

And don't worry. Yes, I know that Uni is often held up as a chance for unfettered social/sporting life and activities, but not everyone finds it thus. And Uni friends will disperse all over the place when they leave and go off to new jobs or back home. Not everyone makes life-long friends there.

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/03/2023 10:07

Ours was the same. Lives alone for first year, not a party animal, didn’t enjoy it and has moved back home permanently. Studies, works hard part time, independent, cooks, good company, works well for us.
Wouldn't worry about it.

mumoffourminimes · 03/03/2023 10:08

I think it's nice she feels she can come home whenever she wants too.

I'd encourage her to join a uni club or society though. I wasn't a big partier, I love my club friends. She'll find more like minded people in a club with people of a common interest.

IWasFunBeforeMum · 03/03/2023 10:11

Previously I'd have said this is odd but now I'm older I think partying 24/7 pressure plus getting grades is hard going. Now I have children I'd be made up if they came home every weekend when they're older, I'm already dreading them leaving and they're only in primary school 🤣 I rarely went home from uni but mostly cos my mum was a nightmare. Let her do what makes her happy.

Calibrachoa · 03/03/2023 10:15

On mumsnet everyone's child at uni seems to be having "a blast" or "a ball" but in real life there's probably more of a range of experiences. Best to just let her decide. She might have a blast when she starts work and meets people there to socialise with.

pattihews · 03/03/2023 10:18

I hope all those who are happy to have their university student children home every weekend will refrain from posting about how to get their children to leave home at the age of 30 or 40. Loads of stuff to do at most universities/ cities at the weekends.

Going to university is about growing up and away, which they need to do to fledge successfully. It's not going to be easy all the time and getting into the habit of running home to mum and home comforts isn't going to pay off well in the long run. How the hell are they supposed to cope with moving away to work?

JenniferBarkley · 03/03/2023 10:27

Sounds like she's getting on well academically and has a close group of friends, albeit at home not at uni. If she's happy in herself then I'd just let her be.

Precipice · 03/03/2023 10:29

How lovely to see her so often! Enjoy it while you can.

Please don't suggest to her that she shouldn't be coming often or that she can't come home.

If she's a quiet homebody, this is basically just a difference between her coming home on the weekend or just sitting alone in her room all weekend. None of it makes a difference to her social life as long as it's clear that there's no expectation that the frequency is set and she can stay and do something else if she wants to.

You can encourage her to see if any clubs or societies sound to her taste or maybe a closer friendship can develop between her and someone in one of her classes if they get to talk a bit more. TBF most societies IME do events more during the week than at weekend.

thaisweetchill · 03/03/2023 10:34

If it makes her happy let her.

This is a reason I never went to uni, I've never been in to the partying lifestyle and having to live with other filthy students would probably make me leave after a week!

Enjoy that she's coming home to you and she's comfortable.

Could she maybe move unis closer to home?

Ifailed · 03/03/2023 10:35

Who's paying for her accommodation at university?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 03/03/2023 10:42

I hope all those who are happy to have their university student children home every weekend will refrain from posting about how to get their children to leave home at the age of 30 or 40.

Lots of people move out to go to university at eighteen and come back afterwards for a whole number of reasons. Leaving at eighteen is no guarantee that you'll stay gone!

Loads of stuff to do at most universities/ cities at the weekends.

There's loads of stuff to do in many peoples home towns and cities as well.

Just because someone struggles at eighteen or still likes their home comforts, doesn't mean they're going to end up living in your basement aged forty having never been independent 🙄

Also, lots of people never leave their home towns or areas - it's not essential and doesn't mean you're any less of an adult!

pattihews · 03/03/2023 10:52

Also, lots of people never leave their home towns or areas - it's not essential and doesn't mean you're any less of an adult!

Doesn't it? Doesn't being an adult involve being able to cope on your own in a new area if necessary? Make new friends throughout life instead of relying on known people? Do things independently? If you stay very close to home and rely on what you know to feel comfortable, is that really being adult? Staying close to home will mean that in many cases career options, incomes, life experiences and even life expectancy will be limited. I would hope my child had a bigger, more interesting, more varied life than me — and I've had quite an interesting one.

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