DD comes home from uni every weekend

[lovemetender]

I have 3 younger children at home, so I don’t mind it— I was t expecting peace and quiet anyway. However 2nd year DD (21) comes home every opportunity possible. Before Christmas she stayed a few weekends, but lives with her two best mates who are now arguing with one another. She says she now prefers her home friends, who mostly have children.

I read about the great time DC seem to have on here and I’m sad for her. DD doesn’t like partying or drinking and is very shy. Lovely to speak to, and says people sit with her in lessons but she can’t make friends.

Is it bad she’s back every weekend? Not sure what is for the best here

Sounds like me when I was young. I had no interest in partying or drinking and everything seemed to revolve around that. I was very shy and it was hard to make friends. I did make a few but I know I missed out on the experiences everyone else has but it's very difficult to forcibly try and change your personality. If she doesn't already have one, a part time job might help, that gave me a bit of confidence.

But why do you think choosing to stay in one area automatically means you couldn't cope in another? 

You can still travel, explore, see the world and be independent without going to live hundreds of miles away from home!

And surely whether career options etc. are limited or not depends on where you were raised and what career you want to do? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think its nice that she obv likes being home! My friends DD was similar ,and another had to share with 2 boys and no girls.Lads on PS4, and friends DD was a bit left out. TBH I think Uni is a bit hyped and is not "party all the way" for most of them .My own DS enjoyed his time there and liked it ,but still enjoyed being home .Just relax and enjoy this time with her .Most important that she gets her degree ,everything else is secondary

There's more one than way to "do" university and there's thousands of ways to grow up and become an adult - everyone is different and we all want different things out of life (and out of going to university).

It's not the route for everyone and you're not somehow less of an adult or less of a student if you prefer seeing your parents or school friends at weekends over partying and staying in halls.

Yes! Force her to stay at university and be miserable! That'll learn her. I mean hey she might turn to self harm, an eating disorder or casual sex to try to cope with her distress but you know, at least you'll be able to tell everyone that's she's 'successfully fledged' as she doesn't come home any more.

I’m on a low income so DD’s loan funds the accommodation, and she pays for all her travel back and forth.

I was a party animal when I was younger but DD really isn’t like that. She’s given it a good go (I did push her to club and drink a little bit) but still can’t stand it.

I'm not sure it's good. Are you sure it is just the arguing housemates and not something else?

What I'm trying to say is that university / moving away from home for a first job is always going to involve some discomfort and enduring some discomfort and finding positive ways to deal with it are all part of the growing-up process. If a lonely student joins the film club or a choir or a walking or cycling group and makes friends, then when they have to move to a new city for work they know the kinds of things to look out for that will get them through that 'stranger-in-a-strange-city' period. I wasn't into wild partying when I was at university. I volunteered for Women's Aid, I loved the theatre and went to see professional productions in the city theatre and lots of students productions too and got to know others with the same interest. I joined a non-competitive Sunday cycling group and made friends there with whom I'm still in touch.

When I moved to London I found a couple of similar social groups and they helped ease the transition. Learning to cope on your own is an important life skill.

And she might not. She might get her act together and discover some important life skills. Why always the worst-case scenario? Is it because you're someone who never left their home town?

Patthews

When I moved to London I found a couple of similar social groups and they helped ease the transition. Learning to cope on your own is an important life skill.”

Knowing what makes you happy personally and not feeling obliged to follow the herd is an important life skill too.
Our eldest left home at 16, her choice, it suited her.
Our youngest left at 18 for uni. Coped perfectly well for a year but as an introvert, decided that spending a fortune on housing and having little free time outside of studies and work didn’t make sense. He likes living here, we like having him. He pays his way, lives life independently, is good company, works hard and saves hard for a deposit on a place when we retire and downsize in a couple of years.
Why would we insist he lived elsewhere because some people who don’t know him think he ought to?

enduring some discomfort and finding positive ways to deal with it are all part of the growing-up process

I agree. I think there's a balance to be struck between being supportive and always being there for your kids and knowing when they need a bit of a push towards independence. Every young adult is different - the OP will know whether her daughter is genuinely content or whether she is coming home because she is unhappy and needs to be encouraged to be more independent

Something that strikes me is that the OP seems to think enjoying university life is all about partying and that's the only thing she has encouraged her to try but it really doesn't have to be. I did diving and martial arts and met some great people who were mostly teetotal.

my daughter is in her final year of commuting into a London Uni. Lots of them commute in and come home. My daughter is quite a shy, introverted person and didn't enjoy the expectation to have the best time in the world and be out every night. Also she's got a lovely group of local friends and has a great social life, just not there! Costs a fortune to live in halls there too. And she can see her dogs every day. She's got a job lined up for after graduation and plans to save enough for a deposit to buy a house over
the next few years, which seems more sensible than rushing out and renting.
I guess I can take it as a compliment that she likes being at home. I couldn't bloody wait to move out of home!

I think it's a shame our generation made life long friends at uni. All of our closest were from uni both me and Mr (independently not together).
But I don't know what to suggest we were trollied dollies.

Forcing her to stay at weekends would just make her miserable. I can’t see any sense in making her do something she’s unhappy with.
I rarely went home at weekends as it was too far and I couldn’t afford the travel. One of my housemates went home every weekend without fail. I now live in my hometown and she lives in another country, so I don’t think it has any indication on how you’re going to live the rest of your life!

Learning to cope on your own is an important life skill.

Of course it is, but that doesn't mean that everyone is going to learn at the same time and at the same pace, or by doing the same things.

You clearly thrived at university and that's great, but not everyone has your experience - and that's okay too.

I don't think anyone has suggested forcing her to stay at university over the weekend, I agree that's counter productive - more encourage her to find things that make her want to.

I’d let her be but I’d also be a bit disappointed she wasn’t embracing uni life to the full (I don’t mean partying if she doesn’t want to but living independently.) My son initially didn’t want to stay at Uni and was planning on going just on the days he had to be there (it’s not a million miles from home) but he decided to live there and it has been the making of him. He’s become so much more confident and self assured (at school he was very quiet). Could she return to the halls or rent from one of the private halls type Uni rentals and live alone but have the social facilities of meeting other students?

I wouldn’t worry about it. I went home every second weekend - would have gone home every weekend happily but it was a lot of travelling. I hated the social aspect of uni. I didn’t drink. I spent three years in halls learning how to live with students…a life skill I have never needed since. I am a successful, confident, organised 33 year old now. My style of attending uni has had no impact on me. I went to uni to learn ,y profession…I succeeded in that and now I work in it. The social aspect is fine for them who want it, but it’s not a marker of uni life success.

SweetPetrichor · Today 11:56
I wouldn’t worry about it. I went home every second weekend - would have gone home every weekend happily but it was a lot of travelling. I hated the social aspect of uni. I didn’t drink. I spent three years in halls learning how to live with students…a life skill I have never needed since. I am a successful, confident, organised 33 year old now. My style of attending uni has had no impact on me. I went to uni to learn ,y profession…I succeeded in that and now I work in it. The social aspect is fine for them who want it, but it’s not a marker of uni life success“

👏👏👏 This.

At least she's got out there and tried to take part in the whole experience.. if it's not for her to stay every weekend and drink and party then it's not for her. Nothing wrong with that

I loved uni and had a great social life there but the only reason I stayed at weekends was because I lived hours away and it was expensive to travel every weekend. The halls cleared out on a Friday there were usually only a few of us left who all lived further away so I wouldn't worry too much. I'd suggest she join a club etc to meet some new people and call a house meeting and tell the other two that they need to sort it out because its impacting her and that isn't fair behaviour as housemates even when you disagree.

I came home occasionally from uni. I wasn’t hugely happy and I missed my family. The security of coming home to a wonderful welcome was everything and I eventually moved onwards and upwards. For what it’s worth, loads of people find their second year accommodation share hard work.

I agree with gently encouraging her to join some new hobbies/societies linked to her interests, but no need to link it to the weekends back home.

There is no “right” way to do university, just as there isn’t a “right” way to do life. You sound to be getting the balance right.

It's good that she can come home and that she does have friends there - although if most of them have children (at 21?) their life experience is going to be completely different to hers so I'm not sure if it is helpful to her in "enjoying" her life and non-study activities. From your posts it sounds as if she would really like to make friends but honestly coming home every weekend is going to make that very difficult. Weekends at uni don't have to mean non-stop partying but realistically that is the time that most people have to unwind and spend time doing what they like. That doesn't have to be partying - unis have a huge range of sports and societies - lots of things like knitting, classical music, tea societies, yoga, Christian Union, languages - so so much that doesn't have to include partying. Also most unis have volunteering opportunities. Has she actually tried to explore anything?

I know it isn't normal in the UK but it is normal in many European countries. It doesn't seem to do any harm in fact I think it makes siblings closer. I would leave her be.

My son hated uni life, so many students getting drunk, arguing at night, vomit in the lifts. He struggles socially as well. He got his degree and is working but prefers the quiet of home.