DD comes home from uni every weekend

[lovemetender]

I have 3 younger children at home, so I don’t mind it— I was t expecting peace and quiet anyway. However 2nd year DD (21) comes home every opportunity possible. Before Christmas she stayed a few weekends, but lives with her two best mates who are now arguing with one another. She says she now prefers her home friends, who mostly have children.

I read about the great time DC seem to have on here and I’m sad for her. DD doesn’t like partying or drinking and is very shy. Lovely to speak to, and says people sit with her in lessons but she can’t make friends.

Is it bad she’s back every weekend? Not sure what is for the best here

It’s not great, because she isn’t building independence, or expanding her horizons, but equally it’s not the end of the world.

Can you encourage her to move into a different flat? Are their clubs she could join to build her friendship group in a way that doesn’t involve partying?

I would gently chat with her and say that you just don’t want her to miss the opportunity of experiencing new things.

I'm not suggesting you are pressuring her, but that she think you're both dependent on her so she should come home. Did she do the same in the first year?

@bagelbagelbagel

That is exactly the way universities work. You are there to launch yourself into the world, and networking is how you do it.

Playing the social game shrewdly is very important. The sort of summer job you get is important. The volunteering you do is important. The range of interests youbengage with and the instinct to get out there and connect with others is important.

Being a quiet home body who is basically drifting toward graduation and the next phase of life is a problem.

You sound very confident that you are right about this. I'm not sure your theory is rooted in reality, especially now. It's really not like you say these days.

It really isn't a problem.

There isn't just one correct way to "do" university.

I'm right in the thick of the university years with my DCs, as are pretty much all my friends.

We compare notes frequently; what you're getting here is a distillation of observations from universities in the UK, Ireland, and the US.

My comments here are not based on personal experiences from 20-40 years ago.

I have a feeling that if the OP's DD wasn't the oldest in her family - if she were anywhere else in birth order and the OP had an older child to compare with, she would be more concerned about the rut this young woman has got into (though I think she is concerned, and hence the thread).

Maybe it's easy for the OP to see DD as a family oriented child still when family life is still 100% of reality at home. I think she needs help with the problems she's experiencing making friends. I think she needs to be mindful that there's a life beyond university, and she needs to start preparing for it. Coming home every weekend and keeping busy with housework is not a healthy coping mechanism for whatever anxiety or sense of loneliness she's feeling.

She could well be experiencing an intimacy vs isolation crisis. A crisis of young adulthood isn't something to ignore. It can derail people.

Playing the social game shrewdly is very important. The sort of summer job you get is important. The volunteering you do is important. The range of interests youbengage with and the instinct to get out there and connect with others is important.
Sounds exhausting. And not everyone wants that life. She is lucky OP to have you to support her in a non judgemental way. That’s what she will remember and pass on to her own dcs. She has all the time in the world to plough her own furrow.

My best friend used to go home every weekend. She missed out on so much but we just couldn’t convince her to stay. She arranged her timetable to have Fridays off so she could leave on Thursday night. People stopped inviting her to things because it just felt like she couldn’t wait to get away every week. She didn’t have friends at home she just wanted to be with her parents.

Interestingly she has taken a very different approach with her own children, especially her shyest one. She’s been really firm in telling them not to come home, to push themselves to stay. It seems to have been successful, they are all enjoying their uni time and are still very close with their family.

Those kind of activities are a dream combination for an employer. He's clearly active and energetic (tick), can work in a team in his sports (tick), is responsible enough to be treasurer (tick). And clearly academically gifted. I'd also assume from that list that he had decent social skills and could communicate effectively with others, which is important. Perhaps to him he's just doing things he enjoys but it will mean something to an employer. And he's in the engineering society and that will be a gateway to opportunities that those not in the club won't have access to. Good on him.

My nephew chose not to go to university. He's very bright but he had his heart set on a particular line of work and took the apprenticeship route. He's very happy. I think there are lots of young people trudging through universities who, frankly, would have done better to save their money and go straight into work.

Neither are mine.

I think there are lots of young people trudging through universities who, frankly, would have done better to save their money and go straight into work.

Now this I do agree with.

Too many people see university as the default option after sixth form and don't consider apprenticeships or just going into a minimum wage job and working their way up.

I was guilty of going to university because it was "the thing to do" in my family and I never really considered that I had another choice. I remember having a major wobble when I was applying and thinking "this isn't what I want to do" but no other options were really presented to me so I just got swept along and went.

I didn't hate it but in hindsight it wasn't the right choice for me and I've never used my degree since.

Uni isn't all party party and dri King though. My 19 year old rarely drinks but he is involved with various societies and clubs, presents a uni radio show and also acts as driver when he goes with mates to watch sports in pub or festivals etc.

I think he only returned one weekend throughout his first year.

It's now the looking holidays but he's worrying in a summer camp inzEurope teaching English.

He's my youngest so not sure I'd want him loafing about every weekend just as finally get my house to myself