DD comes home from uni every weekend

[lovemetender]

I have 3 younger children at home, so I don’t mind it— I was t expecting peace and quiet anyway. However 2nd year DD (21) comes home every opportunity possible. Before Christmas she stayed a few weekends, but lives with her two best mates who are now arguing with one another. She says she now prefers her home friends, who mostly have children.

I read about the great time DC seem to have on here and I’m sad for her. DD doesn’t like partying or drinking and is very shy. Lovely to speak to, and says people sit with her in lessons but she can’t make friends.

Is it bad she’s back every weekend? Not sure what is for the best here

Having work experience will be important to an employer. I used to work for a large international organisation that recruited new graduates and we used to look for those who had work experience. It didn't have to be relevant work, just evidence of consistent part-time employment.

Why? Because even back in 1996-2006, when I was with that particular international company, the difference between those who had had a job and those who hadn't was marked. Being able to hold down a job, turn up on time, take instruction and deal with colleagues or the public made a lot of difference. Even back in the late 90s we were aware of how those who'd had no experience of work expected more support and were more dependant than those who'd been used to a working environment.

I don't think it's automatically a problem she comes home. It's better she finds this way of coping with being unhappy socially there, and therefore still gets her degree. Otherwise from what I've seen and experienced of people who are unhappy socially at uni, the other results could be:
She drops out altogether, which would be a shame if she likes the course and is halfway through.
Her mental health could suffer severely
Or she could end up doing things which dint come naturally/ aren't 'her' to try and find friends / fit in, which could work out but equally she may end up feeling even more out of her comfort zone, and in my experience no clubs and societies are a magic bullet and joining late can make fitting in hard.

I went to uni close to home, tried not to go home too often but ended up living at home completely in the third year after feeling very unhappy in my 2nd year house share. I don't regret that. I do kind of wish I'd made a bit more effort to befriend people on my course rather than people who were in halls with me in the first year, but hindsight is a wonderful thing and although I socialised with them in the third year their groups were fairly established by then. Looking back maybe if I'd been further away from home in the first place I would have made more effort with more different friends, but equally perhaps I'd have been equally as unhappy socially in the 2nd year but more trapped and ended up in a worse place mentally or dropping out. I'll never know!

My husband did move away from home, only went back in holidays, but ended up only really finding friends through a church despite never bring religious before or since, so looking back he used that as a 'crutch' in the same way some use drugs or alcohol and he wouldn't say he was that happy, and some of the friends drifted when he realised he didn't really believe after all.

We both seem to be equally capable of living adult life now despite having different experiences of how independent from our families we were at uni! I went away to do my pgce and was much happier as I happened to meet better friends. I then got my own flat as soon as I was working despite it being close enough to live with my parents, so I was quite capable of being independent fairly young despite the year where I'd felt I needed to go home.

So I suppose I'm saying there is no one right way of doing it and sometimes it's a matter of making the best of things for you. Identifying what makes you personally happy and how you can vest manage a situation for you, rather than following what 'most uni students do' is a life skill in itself. Some people on this thread have a very narrow view of how adult life should be / what constitutes success. Plenty of people manage to be perfectly happy always staying close to home! The point of uni to some is to study the degree, not to live some idealised student lifestyle with pressure to make friends for life!

However, I would pick up on your point about not needing to work. While I wouldn't say she necessarily needs a part time job all year, she'd not doing a vocational degree so I think some volunteering, summer work, work experience is important. Does she know what she wants to do afterwards?

Your daughter sounds really lovely and it's so wonderful that she has a welcoming family home to go back to.

It's not like she's coming home and creating a mess - she's helping out which is great. She has friends, it just sounds like she prefers her old school friends which is fine.
And she has crafty hobbies which will be a great source of happiness for her throughout life. Some people genuinely do prefer to do a quiet activity on their own, or just with 1 or 2 friends, although it's hard for extroverts to believe this.

Uni is about studying after all, the 'University lifestyle' is basically just a stereotype from the media, and we don't all fit into the same box.
She should get a job whike studying though, even if very part time. I used to do an evening data entry job a couple of days a week and I think it was good for me as well as providing much needed funds.

Does your DD actually enjoy uni? What is she planning to do when she finishes her course? Does she have any work experience at all? And how is she planning on achieving her aim of entry into whatever career she wants? It's beginning to sound like she is rather trudging through life. It's fine to come home at weekends and spend all her time either looking after her younger siblings or with home friends who you say are already parents themselves. But what does she actually do for fun and downtime? There seems to be a lot of excuses being made, between you you have decided that almost everything involves a huge drinking culture – I don't honestly know how you can come to that conclusion without giving things a try. Even traditionally big drinking societies, have to run some events around all of the drinking, otherwise they get defunded! Things which she has tried are apparently dull, and although she claims to want to try a sport thinks it is too expensive and she feels it's too late. Also, I think it's unusual for neither your daughter, nor apparently any of her friends, to work. Doesn't she even have a job in Uni holidays? It all sounds very comfortable and as if she doesn't really feel the need to push herself, yet would like the benefits of friendship that come from trying new things are having a job. Apart from anything else, how is she planning to get a job when she finishes uni? What is she going to put on her CV if no interests or work or positions in uni societies? And how is she going to answer all those annoying interview questions about showing examples of teamwork, leadership, how you dealt with a difficult situation et cetera et cetera?

@unfortunateevents I do agree it seems she’s trudging through life. She’s just incredibly passive (not sure that’s the exact word I’m looking for, but anyway), but she’s always been that way. She has had summer jobs, but the ones in our town are very dead end warehouse work/pub work, both of which she’s hated but obviously done for summer holiday money.

To questions from others:

She doesn’t have a clue what to do afterwards. Primary teaching has been mentioned but that’s such gruelling work, so I’m trying to encourage her to think of something better paid, with better hours. She’s so clever she’d be wasted on such thankless work I think.

Will push her to get some sort of better work experience.

Is she happy 'trudging' through life? Maybe that's the pace she needs to go right now. Is that so bad?

Sport is expensive?
Few non drinking clubs. I find both of the above hard to accept/believe.

Plus if she is very passive, and friendships are not good, surely you've known this about her for a long time. What have you done to address this, support her, teach her coping mechanisms. She clearly needs a lot of help. Why isn't she getting this help?

My ds is 19, will be 20 in a few months and is in her second year at uni. What did your dd do in her gap years? I think it's fine if she's just biding time until she graduates. Not everyone enjoys uni life.

My ds is in the OTC which he enjoys and has regular weekends away with them or team sport on a Saturday (paid). He also does canoe polo at a weekend (quite late) and has started a new society for the sport he enjoys which is 'fives'. He is also treasurer of some engineering society and technical 'consultant ' for another. He likes to be busy! He also got top marks overall for his course in his first year exams (cash prize of £250) which all helps as we are on benefits and can't really support him financially.

My ds is in his 2nd year at uni and at the end of his first year he did a 3 week 'internship' at a secondary school for which he was paid. He really enjoyed it though I don't think he is considering teaching as a career atm as he is doing aeronautical engineering. Perhaps your dd could do something like that. He also now volunteers but gets paid £10 a session by the university (?) ( about 45 mins each) twice a week at a local secondary school to hear pupils read.

It's great she's had summer jobs - doesn't matter if they are not career related, they will show some transferable skills and presumably involved meeting other people, stepping out of her comfort zone etc. however, it will probably help her think about post uni life and identity her interests if she can do some other things to. Is there a gap in her timetable she could volunteer to help in a local school in, to see if she might like teaching? Some unis run volunteering services she could sign up with, or she could just phone round and ask.

Or ask for work experience in other sectors to give her more idea? I speak from experience when I say teaching can seem like a nice familiar option to a shy arts / humanities graduate with not much experience of the world outside school. In hindsight I'd have been much better off in something more admin/ managerial but I didn't really know what was out there. Maybe some temp admin work through an agency? Or university careers service may have details of summer internships?

Or if she is serious about teaching, look for summer jobs with play schemes, summer holiday clubs etc to enhance her application. I did 2 summers organising activities for an English language summer school for kids from abroad.

I do agree it seems she’s trudging through life. She’s just incredibly passive (not sure that’s the exact word I’m looking for, but anyway), but she’s always been that way.

Okay, but is any of that actually a problem? She's only 21, she has years ahead of her to figure out what she wants to do. I certainly didn't know what I wanted to do with my life at that age. It's so young in the grand scheme of things.

When I graduated university, I spent several years "trudging" through in low-paying, fairly menial jobs but it was actually exactly what I needed. Not everyone wants a high-flying career or a well-paying job - nor do they want to join loads of activities or socialise every weekend - and that's okay.

She's not somehow failing at life or university because she's happier at home doing indoor, solo activities. It feels like you want her to be like you - an extroverted party animal - but that's not who she is. Pressuring her into going out drinking or into following a certain career path isn't going to work because she's her own person - she's not you. Let her figure herself out in her own time.

It's not like your life is a disaster if you haven't figured it all out by 21 but your life is certainly a lot easier if you don't waste a bunch of time faffing about.

I wouldn't say this if the DD actually sounded happy - if she wanted to go travelling or had a job she enjoyed even if it wasn't a forever thing - but just not doing anything except coming home to mummy every weekend and drifting into the default humanities graduate career without even doing any work experience or part time work in a school.. it just doesn't sound like a recipe for a happy life.

And I also think we minimise things by saying that you have plenty of years to figure things out because especially if you want kids, you don't. I tried out two careers before I found my thing and I just barely managed to be financially secure (with parental help) by my mid 30s in time to have kids.

It's not like your life is a disaster if you haven't figured it all out by 21 but your life is certainly a lot easier if you don't waste a bunch of time faffing about.

Well, I don't view it as a waste of time. It certainly wasn't in my case. Some people know what they want to do and go from school to university to work - others take a different path. It's not "faffing" to spend some time working in a relatively mundane job while you figure things out.

I wouldn't say this if the DD actually sounded happy - if she wanted to go travelling or had a job she enjoyed even if it wasn't a forever thing - but just not doing anything except coming home to mummy every weekend and drifting into the default humanities graduate career without even doing any work experience or part time work in a school.. it just doesn't sound like a recipe for a happy life.

But we all different ideas of happiness and of what makes us happy. Some people are homebodies and are quite happy spending weekends with parents and family. It's not some kind of personal failing.

And I also think we minimise things by saying that you have plenty of years to figure things out because especially if you want kids, you don't. I tried out two careers before I found my thing and I just barely managed to be financially secure (with parental help) by my mid 30s in time to have kids.

She's 21 years old! She may not even want children and if she does, she has another 15-20 years to figure out how to make it work. You can also be financially stable "faffing about" in a mundane job - as long as she's working and paying her way, she'll be fine.

IMO she sounds like a hard worker and a kind conscientious person - it's not like she's coming home to lie in bed and smoke weed - she's helping her mum and her disabled aunt - she sounds like she'll be just fine.

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts see to me she doesn't sound happy, she sounds passive and aimless. I don't think the OP thinks she is happy or she wouldn't have posted about it.

And, no, she can't start wondering about how to support a family in 20 years time. It's not even just about having kids, she needs to support herself, including planning for retirement. She's 21, she does have time but her life will be a lot easier if she doesn't spend years and years not doing anything.

The university years offer a lot of opportunities to try things out, get work experience, get volunteer experience. Yes you can catch up later if it doesn't work for you but it's harder and bad advice IMO to say "oh don't worry about doing anything, you have years"

I was happy 'running home to mummy'. I then moved to London, had a successful career in education, travelled, did loads of bucket list stuff, got married, had kids.

Why are we writing this poor girl off?

Indeed.

OP doesn't think she's happy because she's not doing what she did as a student. That doesn't mean she's unhappy - just a different person with different interests and goals.

She really doesn't need to have her life planned out at 21. I spent my twenties in a series of fairly dead-end jobs before starting my own business in my thirties - it's now thriving three years on. If you'd told me at 21 that this is how my life would turn out, I'd never have believed you.

I didn't work while I was at university or get any volunteer experience and I managed just fine. I'm married, own my own home and run my own business despite spending years "not really doing anything". I don't want children but if we did, we could afford them without having started planning while I was still at university!

There's no need to pressure yourself or your child because they're not where you think they should be at such a young age. She really does have ages to figure it out.

Yep, it's so depressing - like anyone who still likes their home comforts at 21 must be destined to a life of failure and mediocrity.

The judgement is so sad.

When I went to highly-regarded university 40 years ago from an ordinary working class family I didn't understand why so many of my fellow students joined up for sports clubs and music and arts groups and debating groups etc. Eventually the penny dropped. People were networking and making connections that could come in useful later in life. On graduation the people who'd put together the university newspaper walked into journalism or jobs with the BBC. The debaters walked into some of the better legal firms or went on to be barristers. Even the people who'd been crap rowers and tennis players would find employers who'd also rowed or played tennis or rugby and assumed they'd be competitive and disciplined.

Your daughter may not be up for any of that, OP, but she at least needs to think about how the world works and how, a few years down the line, she might wish she'd played the game a little more shrewdly. I certainly wish I'd made better use of the opportunities that were on offer when I was a student. I see my contemporaries on TV, or their names coming up as KCs and politicians and professors and experts and I know that if I'd been a tad more motivated and a lot better-advised I could have been a contender.

I think very few universities operate like this tbh. Maybe the big five. Nobody from my uni 'networked'. And it was a (frequently) top ten university.

But not everyone wants that kind of life @pattihews.

No one is writing her off. But if she was my daughter, I would:

A) Flat out ask her in a quiet moment whether she is happy and, if not, encourage her to make a plan to tackle that. If she is happy, of course, that's fine

B) Ask her what her career plans/plans to have a plan are - encourage her to have a chat to the careers service and spend some of her final year and a half at university trying out things that will help her to know what she wants - activities, work experience, internships, part time work etc. If she does that and all she achieves is ruling out some careers, that's not a bad thing, she's still further ahead than she would be if she didn't do anything

I would not say "don't worry darling you have years to figure it out" because I don't think that does her any favours

There's a balance between being pressuring and just letting her drift

Any risk she feels she has to come home to help? Even if not explicitly started, the fact you and her aunt both need her help is a lot of expectation on her

@SleepingStandingUp This i’m confident she’s not pressured with. We always make it clear that we appreciate the help but are just fine alone.