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Original poster

DD comes home from uni every weekend

163 replies

lovemetender · 03/03/2023 08:47

I have 3 younger children at home, so I don’t mind it— I was t expecting peace and quiet anyway. However 2nd year DD (21) comes home every opportunity possible. Before Christmas she stayed a few weekends, but lives with her two best mates who are now arguing with one another. She says she now prefers her home friends, who mostly have children.

I read about the great time DC seem to have on here and I’m sad for her. DD doesn’t like partying or drinking and is very shy. Lovely to speak to, and says people sit with her in lessons but she can’t make friends.

Is it bad she’s back every weekend? Not sure what is for the best here

OP posts:
GoldenCupidon · 03/03/2023 17:07

"Being quiet and enjoying your own company is not celebrated in the UK yet it is quite a mature trait."

She could do that at uni though, I think if it were my daughter I'd just be worried that she wasn't capable of entertaining herself, or felt lonely. When I've worked in new places I've had to find what to do with myself at the weekend - it's a good skill. You discover new stuff.

pinkhousesarebest · 03/03/2023 17:07

Going away to University is such a British thing. Where I live in France, all of my dd’s friends live at home and commute into the nearest city. They also holiday with their family lies. There is not this ripping away at 18 everywhere ( my dc’s are in a different country to us and they absolutely live to get home.
Everyone matures in their own way.

BellePeppa · 03/03/2023 17:14

pinkhousesarebest · 03/03/2023 17:07

Going away to University is such a British thing. Where I live in France, all of my dd’s friends live at home and commute into the nearest city. They also holiday with their family lies. There is not this ripping away at 18 everywhere ( my dc’s are in a different country to us and they absolutely live to get home.
Everyone matures in their own way.

Don’t Americans go off to different states which are much further away than anywhere in the U.K.?

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21 years old Families
Theelephantinthecastle · 03/03/2023 17:28

BellePeppa · 03/03/2023 17:14

Don’t Americans go off to different states which are much further away than anywhere in the U.K.?

Show quote history

Not really - lots of Americans go to their local university, often state universities will give very generous scholarships to good local students. Some do go to university out of state as well but I wouldn't say it's the norm

LondonJax · 03/03/2023 17:28

Horses for courses as far as my friends and their 'kids' are concerned. For the record, I didn't go to university - started work at 17 years old and moved out of home at 21 when I bought my first house with my then boyfriend (those were the days...)

Amongst the people I know though we have...

1 woman who went into accommodation, disliked one of the women she shared with (the woman sharer was a party all nighter and my friend's daughter just isn't). So half way through the second year, having tried to stick it out, she'd had enough. She drove the rest of the time back and forth to university from her parents house. She's now doing an MA and is still at home, saving for her own place.

1 man who did stay away for the full three years of his degree. He then got a job, decided he wanted his own place and moved back in with mum and dad at the age of 28 to save his cash - been there 18 months now. It'll probably be another year or two before he has a big enough deposit. He's fine though, he has his freedom, stays with his girlfriend some weekends - her with him others.

New university student who decided to choose the university closest to home for his degree 18 months ago. He knew his parents couldn't afford to pay his fees and his accommodation. He got a job part time but prefers to save/pay a small amount of rent to his parents/use the rest on himself than give his cash to a landlord. According to him he gets the best of both worlds. Stays with mates at university if there's something going on (usually a party somewhere) but still has weekends boozing with his old 'home' mates and is saving money in the meantime. He can't see the draw of staying away from home when he has it all without the expense.

2023Hope · 03/03/2023 17:39

I would be guided by your daughter, my son came home most weekends at the start of his Uni life, we always made sure he had enough money in his account to do this.

He did not enjoy Uni life initially, he was teetotal, still is, and everything seemed to be alcohol related at his Uni, he had no time for it.

Years 2 and 3 were better, he had made some likeminded friends and house shared with them, he didn't come home as often then, the whole experience didn't come easy to him.

I admire him so very much for sticking it out and getting a great degree and also ended up making some good friends.

Smugglers · 03/03/2023 17:50

Tbh it's not 'independence' if you only stay/'socialise' at university cos your parents want you to!!

Drfosters · 03/03/2023 17:56

I’ll be honest I hated university. Didn’t make tonnes of friends, didn’t enjoy the drinking culture and didn’t learn much. I did meet my future husband though and although he had to move away for work, he came back every weekend to see me! He himself used to go home every weekend from university when he was there. (He graduated the year before I started) We both have grown into (relatively) normal people, married for 25 years with close friends and family. Don’t stress it. As long she’s doing her work and can muddle on during the week, I’d let her come home. She might meet a partner eventually and not want to come home as much.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/03/2023 18:01

Theelephantinthecastle · 03/03/2023 16:35

I can't imagine a happy 21 year old choosing to spend her money traveling home every weekend to do the washing and cleaning. Sorry.

Does she have any interests/hobbies/plans to travel?

Agree

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 03/03/2023 18:04

pinkhousesarebest · 03/03/2023 17:07

Going away to University is such a British thing. Where I live in France, all of my dd’s friends live at home and commute into the nearest city. They also holiday with their family lies. There is not this ripping away at 18 everywhere ( my dc’s are in a different country to us and they absolutely live to get home.
Everyone matures in their own way.

Same in Australia - all my cousins lived at home and commuted to their local university - they all stayed living at home until their late twenties too, which I'm sure would horrify some people on here Grin

They worked, saved for deposits, moved out and are all fully functioning adults with families and homes of their own now!

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/03/2023 18:04

Part of the learning curve and growing up that happens at uni is not being able to access the cushy life and home comforts of your parents house all the time.

living in a crappy shared house with people who you may not always like… it may not feel it at the time, but it IS character and resilience building!

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 03/03/2023 18:07

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/03/2023 18:04

Part of the learning curve and growing up that happens at uni is not being able to access the cushy life and home comforts of your parents house all the time.

living in a crappy shared house with people who you may not always like… it may not feel it at the time, but it IS character and resilience building!

For some people, sure. For others, it's just utterly miserable and sets them back even more.

cassiatwenty · 03/03/2023 18:08

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/03/2023 18:04

Part of the learning curve and growing up that happens at uni is not being able to access the cushy life and home comforts of your parents house all the time.

living in a crappy shared house with people who you may not always like… it may not feel it at the time, but it IS character and resilience building!

Agree to disagree 🙂

Raqueteerub · 03/03/2023 18:09

I can confirm from direct experience you are absolutely right @coffeecupsandwaxmelts

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/03/2023 18:11

Raqueteerub · 03/03/2023 18:09

I can confirm from direct experience you are absolutely right @coffeecupsandwaxmelts

@Raqueteerub
@coffeecupsandwaxmelts

a lot of people don’t really like it but it gives them a drive and motivation to succeed

bagelbagelbagel · 03/03/2023 18:21

I lived out but my uni was only an hour from my parents' house. I would pop back for the odd night if I felt ill or was struggling. In the first year I went back most weekends. I used to sometimes take a friend or two back with me, and my mum would feed them up and wash their clothes. One Sunday five of us went over on a whim and dad did us a big barbecue, it was great!

It's not necessarily a bad thing. Knowing their love and protection was so close was very important to me - I am autistic but obvs didn't know then. They thought I had BPD and severe anxiety in those days.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 03/03/2023 18:22

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/03/2023 18:11

@Raqueteerub
@coffeecupsandwaxmelts

a lot of people don’t really like it but it gives them a drive and motivation to succeed

Show quote history

Again, that's not the case for everyone.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 03/03/2023 18:22

Raqueteerub · 03/03/2023 18:09

I can confirm from direct experience you are absolutely right @coffeecupsandwaxmelts

Yes, I'm speaking from my own experience too :)

mathanxiety · 03/03/2023 18:24

I agree with @dworky.

I think you should push her to join a society or intramural sport or choir - anything at all that does activities on the weekend.

And I think she needs to see a counselor, either at home or at the university, to talk about her inability to make friends, possibly low-level depression. Inability to connect with people and form bonds is a huge handicap in life. It can contribute to depression and low self-esteem and can be reinforced by these problems, in a cycle of negativity.. Don't let this slide in hopes it will all sort itself out.

Decorhate · 03/03/2023 18:33

It’s also the norm in Ireland to go to a local uni & live at home or go home frequently at weekends if home is further away.

It’s what I did & I absolutely did not lose out socially.

My niece & nephew are doing it right now. I think it’s a more gentle way too ease the transition. They also get to keep their part time jobs all year round so have plenty of spending money & travel a lot in the holidays. Others kids I know stay playing with local sports teams so go back for training & matches at weekends.

The trend here to move a long way away, knowing no-one, is not going to be good for every teenager. And weekends can be very quiet unless you are doing a sport or activity that has training etc at weekends. The social events tend to take place during the week

BellePeppa · 03/03/2023 18:34

There is no situation that fits all. Some love being independent and away from home (even if home is an happy one) and some don’t. You have to take each person on their own merit. My eldest loves it but I’m not sure if my younger one would, they’re more of a homebody so I will leave it entirely up to them what they want to do.

Oblomov23 · 03/03/2023 18:45

I dint think this is healthy at all. No one needs ti be a party animal out drinking. But if she's not making friends then this is a great shame. Can you assist is trying all the things suggested?

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/03/2023 18:51

Oblomov23 · 03/03/2023 18:45

I dint think this is healthy at all. No one needs ti be a party animal out drinking. But if she's not making friends then this is a great shame. Can you assist is trying all the things suggested?

Agree

there are loads of different types of people at uni - not all of them are into alcohol and partying

but you can’t make friends if you’re coming home to mummy every opportunity!

coming home may be the easier option for her right not but it doesn’t mean it’s the best option for her in the long run

Thingamebobwotsit · 03/03/2023 18:52

Honestly just let her be whoever she is, and do what she feels is right for her. I taught at universities for the best part of 15 years. Every student is different. Each one of them needs different types of support. Better she is happy and studying well than wasting her time being miserable. And if the reason she is coming home is her housemates then she is probably stuck with them until the summer and needs the break.

It is all part of growing up and working out who she is. Let her do it in her own way/time. There are no set rules.

Goingthere · 03/03/2023 18:59

pattihews · 03/03/2023 10:18

I hope all those who are happy to have their university student children home every weekend will refrain from posting about how to get their children to leave home at the age of 30 or 40. Loads of stuff to do at most universities/ cities at the weekends.

Going to university is about growing up and away, which they need to do to fledge successfully. It's not going to be easy all the time and getting into the habit of running home to mum and home comforts isn't going to pay off well in the long run. How the hell are they supposed to cope with moving away to work?

I went to uni at 17 and visited home most weekends. I moved abroad for work immediately after I graduated. I "coped" just fine as did many others.

Enjoying seeing your family during the uni years should not be viewed so negatively.

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