Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DD comes home from uni every weekend

163 replies

lovemetender · 03/03/2023 08:47

I have 3 younger children at home, so I don’t mind it— I was t expecting peace and quiet anyway. However 2nd year DD (21) comes home every opportunity possible. Before Christmas she stayed a few weekends, but lives with her two best mates who are now arguing with one another. She says she now prefers her home friends, who mostly have children.

I read about the great time DC seem to have on here and I’m sad for her. DD doesn’t like partying or drinking and is very shy. Lovely to speak to, and says people sit with her in lessons but she can’t make friends.

Is it bad she’s back every weekend? Not sure what is for the best here

OP posts:
Manthide · 03/03/2023 19:15

If that how she copes with university I would just be happy to see her. My ds is in his second year and he struggles with interpersonal relationships- he has ND. Unfortunately his university is quite far from home but is near his sister's house so he visits her often.

Manthide · 03/03/2023 19:29

I must admit in my final year of university I came home every weekend ( this was in the 1980s) as my then bf ( now dh) used to phone me there. He lived abroad and obviously there were no mobiles or Internet then. The day after I graduated I moved abroad and lived there for 10 years seeing my parents once or twice a year.

NeedSomeSpace · 03/03/2023 19:40

This so could have been me. I don't drink (don't like the taste) and only by sheer chance I ended up in an all girls uni house in my first year and out of the 10 of us, there were 5-6 girls who also didn't drink loads. We might have one or two drinks but were more interested in chatting than getting plastered.

I wouldn't have been able to come home due to circumstances but I would have been pretty lonely if I'd been surrounded by drunk students all the time.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

21 years old Families
Original poster
lovemetender · 03/03/2023 20:19

DD is very much a home bird, interests are ‘at home’ ones— knitting, sewing, crochet, watching old films are all examples of her faves. She’s doing English Lit + History at uni.

I mentioned the running the household because I wanted to make clear she’s not being cosseted. She doesn’t like being idle so makes herself useful in free time.

OP posts:
cassiatwenty · 03/03/2023 20:23

lovemetender · 03/03/2023 20:19

DD is very much a home bird, interests are ‘at home’ ones— knitting, sewing, crochet, watching old films are all examples of her faves. She’s doing English Lit + History at uni.

I mentioned the running the household because I wanted to make clear she’s not being cosseted. She doesn’t like being idle so makes herself useful in free time.

She seems like a nice young lady, and her uni subjects are interesting

InTheMiddle23 · 03/03/2023 20:26

Why doesn't she have a part time job? What is she hoping to do after uni?

Wallywobbles · 03/03/2023 20:39

What are the post uni expectations?. Move back home or make her way in the world.

mumoffourminimes · 03/03/2023 20:46

lovemetender · 03/03/2023 20:19

DD is very much a home bird, interests are ‘at home’ ones— knitting, sewing, crochet, watching old films are all examples of her faves. She’s doing English Lit + History at uni.

I mentioned the running the household because I wanted to make clear she’s not being cosseted. She doesn’t like being idle so makes herself useful in free time.

She sounds great. Leave her be. She knows what she needs

lailamaria · 03/03/2023 21:29

well what's the alternative, you ban her from coming home?

Agapornis · 03/03/2023 23:31

Maybe there's a non-uni craft club or book club? Stitch 'n bitch clubs used to be a thing some years ago. A choir? (You don't have to be very good at singing to join a choir.) Some WIs in cities are occupied by younger women (e.g Shoreditch Sisters WI). Volunteer somewhere? Most unis have someone in charge of student volunteering opportunities.

I didn't find my people until I started working somewhere nerdy (in a good way!), and had housemates of my choice rather than halls people. Maybe she could try to get a job in a bookshop, or a fabric/crafts shop.

mathanxiety · 03/03/2023 23:38

Decorhate · 03/03/2023 18:33

It’s also the norm in Ireland to go to a local uni & live at home or go home frequently at weekends if home is further away.

It’s what I did & I absolutely did not lose out socially.

My niece & nephew are doing it right now. I think it’s a more gentle way too ease the transition. They also get to keep their part time jobs all year round so have plenty of spending money & travel a lot in the holidays. Others kids I know stay playing with local sports teams so go back for training & matches at weekends.

The trend here to move a long way away, knowing no-one, is not going to be good for every teenager. And weekends can be very quiet unless you are doing a sport or activity that has training etc at weekends. The social events tend to take place during the week

This student doesn't do any of that - she doesn't socialise, she doesn't have a job, and significantly, she has spoken of trouble making friends.

She doesn't appear to be transitioning gently into independent living. She seems to be experiencing a problem that nobody is doing anything about.

BornBlonde · 04/03/2023 00:20

Does she have a student job?

IDontWantToBeAPie · 04/03/2023 00:57

Tbh that tells me she hates uni and something is wrong.

When I went my family would be lucky to see me every 3-6 months.

clipclop5 · 04/03/2023 02:16

I am horrified at how toxic this thread is! If she’s happier at home, so be it. She is still young and will find her way. University is sold as being the time of their lives when in reality DD’s year group have had more drop outs than I can count due to being encouraged to move far away for the ‘uni experience’ and instead ending up lonely and miserable.

Geppili · 04/03/2023 03:09

She is lonely and still needs contact with you.

Zanatdy · 04/03/2023 05:23

It’s a shame she hasn’t embraced Uni life but if she’s more comfortable coming home I wouldn’t stop her. Has she joined any societies? My son is a 1st year and he’s joined so many clubs which has helped to keep him busy. Helps that he’s very sporty so he’s got matches on the weekend so he’s only back in the main holidays but he did come home for 5 days a few weeks ago as he was sick. He has a girlfriend there now so I was very surprised he wanted to come home as she had been looking after him, but also happy he wanted his mum & home comforts to get him better

Zanatdy · 04/03/2023 05:29

Also universities are known for partying but there’s a lot of societies that aren’t based around drinking. I find young people don’t drink as much these days as they used to. You do have to put yourself out there a bit and make suggestions too. I think it is much harder if you’re not sporty and not a drinker. I think my DD (15) will struggle a lot, whereas her brother (1st year) is absolutely loving Uni and living his best life. He is someone who will invite others to the pub and did that in the first few days and now he’s in a nice friendship group with some of those people. I always remember an old friend said the day he moved into the halls he was staring out of the window and a lad opposite was also staring out of his. So he gestured with his hand a drinking motion and they both went off to the pub and became good friends!

Oblomov23 · 04/03/2023 05:32

@clipclop5

I completely disagree with clipclop. Completely. This thread is not toxic at all.

Many different young people want different things. Some get jobs, lucky ones a sought after apprenticeship, many go to uni.

Many uni students live at home, for a number of reasons. Fine. I have no issue with that at all.

But most uni students go away, live away, often for the first time. In halls, or a house or whatever. And those poor students who has a less than great time in covid makes me sad. But now it's a bit more normal. They should be off, studying, learning, meeting new people, doing new things.

If a student wants to come home often that's absolutely fine or if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend at home and want to come home to see them regularly. That is of course also fine .

And as I said before, not every student drinks, or is extrovert or wants to be going out all the time, partying or nightclubbing. Fine. Actually after the first term none of them should be doing that too much! the whole university experience is supposed to encompass all types of people and you get whatever you want out of it .

But to come home every weekend. Because you are sad and lonely and haven't made friends. Is very sad. And many posters suggested many things that might help that.

We just want her to be happy - might help if she joins some clubs, which have quieter people, eg choir, singing or chess or whatever floats her boat. or speaks to her course tutor. Or speaks to the Counselling team, or the special needs team, so that you get some support and help and assistance. All these things are good. Good suggestions.

And that, this thread, is thus in no way at all, toxic. It's just not.

ShippingNews · 04/03/2023 06:05

I did push her to club and drink a little bit

Why try to make her turn into you ? She is obviously her own person - leave her be. My DD came home every weekend and she really enjoyed life with her old friends. No need to push your DD into a life she doesn't want.

Original poster
lovemetender · 04/03/2023 07:30

She does have the 2 friends, and has had a few others, but DD is very passive and sweet (read: a pushover when it comes to friends) and so many friendships tend to be intense and not long term.

Societies at her uni (I’ve looked with her) are almost all are big on drinking, apart from the faith-based societies. The others that interested her she tried, and made a couple of acquaintances but generally found them a bit dull She’d like to try a sport but it’s now late in the year, and the costs are very high.

No job but she has been looking. Doesn’t like bar/restaurant work which has restricted her quite a bit. Is working while at uni important? I didn’t go myself so wouldn’t know. I assumed there was no need— doesn’t sound as if her friends have worked either.

OP posts:
CeriB82 · 04/03/2023 07:35

Please font complain she’s coming home.

my DD likes a night out but her halls are very quiet. She doesn’t see her flatmates. Ships passing.

wakes up and eats breakfast alone . Cooks tea and eats alone. She is lonely there although she has a close friend living a mile away and they have started staying over in each ithers flat etc.

its got to the point thats she us now home and has MH issues. GP has been wonderful with her and arranged medication and counselling.

so please, welcome her home.

Theelephantinthecastle · 04/03/2023 08:02

I find it really hard to believe that there is nothing not drinking based - lots will have some drinking socials but also activities which aren't. Film society? Student newspaper?

I also think she should be looking for work linked to her future career plans if possible or activities that will give her CV points

Future employers will want to see someone who has shown that they can do more than just study, doing the washing at home every weekend isn't going to do anything for her.

It really doesn't sound to me like you think she's really happy

Theelephantinthecastle · 04/03/2023 08:05

To add - volunteering? Campaigning (e.g. Amnesty or similar) Student politics? There is a lot of choice

user1471538283 · 04/03/2023 08:06

I think as long as she is doing well and has some friends there I would be happy with this. She may make more friends and go out more as time goes along.

I left home at 18 and if I could have I would have been home every weekend. It's a hard world when you feel alone.

Theelephantinthecastle · 04/03/2023 08:13

@user1471538283 but the DD is 21 not 18 and over half way through her degree, there isn't loads of time left to settle in and for things to improve