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Original poster

Is this fair? Inheritance related.

237 replies

WhereTheresAWillTheresAWant · 21/02/2023 12:45

There are three adult siblings in DH family. DH is the eldest and is from his DF first marriage. Sadly, DH’s DM died when he was a baby. His DF married again when DH was very young and went on to have a further two boys with his new wife.

The new wife raised DH along with her two biological children and they still have a good relationship today. DH’s DF passed away six years ago and all of his assets went to his wife. However, his DF had a joint Will with his wife and all three children were included in the will with all to be shared fairly once the parents had passed.

At a visit with MIL (DH’s step mum) over the weekend, she talked about her plans to pay off her mortgage in a few weeks and how she was relieved to know the two boys would never have to worry about housing in the current climate. (DH’s adult brothers are still both living at home whilst studying). It transpires her plans are to leave the only asset to DH’s two brothers; this would mean she would need to have the current will amended to exclude DH.

DH didn’t say anything but it has blindsided him and he’s feeling very hurt; his step mum has raised him since he was small.

It does seem rather unfair but after all, it’s his DSM’s asset to do as she wishes. Would you be hurt by this? DH is not going to raise it and will carry on as normal but he is understandably taken aback about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhereTheresAWillTheresAWant · 21/02/2023 20:03

@Leirvassbu The conclusion DH has drawn from this is more likely based on how his DSM spoke about it; not much detail was given granted, but she said it was her bio children’s home and her intention was it be kept as a family home. In her mind, it seems she does not want the family home to be sold at all which by removing DH, would mean she does not have the worry of DH wanting his share if put bluntly. It is shortsighted as I mentioned upthread, the middle brother is in a long term relationship and he is likely to move on at some point.

The only way DH will know is by asking his DSM but he does not feel comfortable doing this, especially as he knows that if it is as she portrayed it, that he knows their relationship could suffer.

OP posts:
thedogsmum · 21/02/2023 20:07

I think he should raise it with his stepmother, particularly as the eventual inheritance will go to support your child.

If he says nothing it could fester and impact on his relationship with his stepmother, so better to get it out in the open.

SilentHedges · 21/02/2023 20:21

Utterly outrageous, morally reprehensible behaviour from your DHs step mother. How dare she deny him assets which were built up by his own Father. I'd be devastated. She's incredibly short sighted if she thinks the family home won't be sold by the two bio brothers, does she think they're going live there together forever or leave the house just sitting there while they pay for upkeep? Of course it will be sold.

OP you talk about the relationship suffering? In my eyes there isn't a relationship left.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law General money
Cheeseandpickleplease · 21/02/2023 20:26

I mean if she needs care or similar then inheritance could be 0 for all involved

its a shame your Dhs father didn’t properly ring fence inheritance for your dc but then it also sounds like he wasn’t expecting the step mum to disinherit your dh

alwqys find it strange when people rely on inheritance for stuff having had a few family members loose everything to care fees it’s a risky strategy

SheilaFentiman · 21/02/2023 20:37

I think their relationship will suffer if he doesn’t know, and it may be that there is a reasoning behind her words that is different to what he is thinking eg, I dunno, she gifts the house to the three of them now and pays DH “rent” whilst she lives there, now she doesn’t have mortgage payments.

Mari9999 · 21/02/2023 20:37

Wanting to ensure the future of children seems to be driving all of this. I remember reading a play once that said effectively that there is some wrong in a house where realizing dreams depend upon a man dying.

No one is entitled to an inheritance. It is great when it happens, but in reality no one is entitled therefore no one is cheated when it does not materialize.

The real lesson is that the only things that you can count on are those resources that you generate , and you cannot make future plans based upon resources that may or may not come your way.

It is a sad testament to the meaning of familial relationships when so many people are saying that he should end family ties over a resource to which he never contributed and never had any legal ownership. Money so often seems to bring out the worst in people.

The OP's husband seems to have a mature and reasoned point of view about the situation.

Codlingmoths · 21/02/2023 20:46

I’d bloody well raise it. It will change things anyway, may as well point out to her it’s a shitty thing to do. ‘X, when you said you were meeting a solicitor, are you changing your will so I get nothing from my dads estate? I know that he wanted me to as per his will, and I was going yo put any inheritance towards supporting <dc name>, with his condition it would be very useful. Have you decided to ignore his wishes and cut me out?’

BlueHeelers · 21/02/2023 21:05

Her stepson, whom she has brought up since he was tiny, already has a home and a family, including a disabled child. Her other two sons do not own their own homes yet and are currently living in the family home.

@Leirvassbu if you read the OP, you'll see that @WhereTheresAWillTheresAWant and her DH DO NOT OWN THEIR HOME, and they have a disabled child, a grandchild of the family.

SilentHedges · 21/02/2023 21:19

Mari9999 · 21/02/2023 20:37

Wanting to ensure the future of children seems to be driving all of this. I remember reading a play once that said effectively that there is some wrong in a house where realizing dreams depend upon a man dying.

No one is entitled to an inheritance. It is great when it happens, but in reality no one is entitled therefore no one is cheated when it does not materialize.

The real lesson is that the only things that you can count on are those resources that you generate , and you cannot make future plans based upon resources that may or may not come your way.

It is a sad testament to the meaning of familial relationships when so many people are saying that he should end family ties over a resource to which he never contributed and never had any legal ownership. Money so often seems to bring out the worst in people.

The OP's husband seems to have a mature and reasoned point of view about the situation.

While you have a rather philosopical view, there is no mention of dependency on the stepmother dying or leaving anything to the OPs DH.

We all realise we are ultimately responsible for securing our own futures.

Honestly, you'd be fine with your DH, parents etc leaving you with nothing in favour of someone else and you'd just shrug it off?

The OP may appear to have a reasoned view, but that's because he hasn't yet come to accept that his Stepmother has completely screwed him over in favour of giving her own children everything. It's morally bankrupt behaviour.

Newnamenewme23 · 21/02/2023 21:24

There’s a difference though between the money going on care or even being spent on cruises and beer, and no one getting anything. That’s fair enough.

but when it’s deliberately arranged so you get nothing while siblings get a significant sum, then it’s not about the money. It’s about being effectively told you aren’t part of the family, that your parents don’t care enough about you to leave you your share.

if a parent wants to cut you off like that then I think it works both ways and you no longer consider them family.

getting a third of nothing still includes you as family. Getting nothing while siblings get half each deliberately excludes you as non family.

it’s not the money, it’s what it represents.

Codlingmoths · 21/02/2023 21:42

Mari9999 · 21/02/2023 20:37

Wanting to ensure the future of children seems to be driving all of this. I remember reading a play once that said effectively that there is some wrong in a house where realizing dreams depend upon a man dying.

No one is entitled to an inheritance. It is great when it happens, but in reality no one is entitled therefore no one is cheated when it does not materialize.

The real lesson is that the only things that you can count on are those resources that you generate , and you cannot make future plans based upon resources that may or may not come your way.

It is a sad testament to the meaning of familial relationships when so many people are saying that he should end family ties over a resource to which he never contributed and never had any legal ownership. Money so often seems to bring out the worst in people.

The OP's husband seems to have a mature and reasoned point of view about the situation.

It’s not really money though. Inheritances are so fraught because really what’s being communicated here to the ops Dh is ‘my father has been betrayed by his wife, and I am not loved and do not have the family I thought I did.’

MaggieFS · 21/02/2023 21:54

If she wants him to execute it then that's a conversation opener.

Leirvassbu · 21/02/2023 22:30

BlueHeelers · 21/02/2023 21:05

Her stepson, whom she has brought up since he was tiny, already has a home and a family, including a disabled child. Her other two sons do not own their own homes yet and are currently living in the family home.

@Leirvassbu if you read the OP, you'll see that @WhereTheresAWillTheresAWant and her DH DO NOT OWN THEIR HOME, and they have a disabled child, a grandchild of the family.

Why are you yelling at me in capslock? How rude.
I mention the disabled child in the very bit you quoted.
The OP and DH have a home, even if it is rented.

I am not saying the MIL is right to cut the DH out. That would be terrible. I am saying everyone is assuming that is what is happening when that is not what the MILhas actually said.

Leirvassbu · 21/02/2023 22:32

WhereTheresAWillTheresAWant · 21/02/2023 20:03

@Leirvassbu The conclusion DH has drawn from this is more likely based on how his DSM spoke about it; not much detail was given granted, but she said it was her bio children’s home and her intention was it be kept as a family home. In her mind, it seems she does not want the family home to be sold at all which by removing DH, would mean she does not have the worry of DH wanting his share if put bluntly. It is shortsighted as I mentioned upthread, the middle brother is in a long term relationship and he is likely to move on at some point.

The only way DH will know is by asking his DSM but he does not feel comfortable doing this, especially as he knows that if it is as she portrayed it, that he knows their relationship could suffer.

You are still making assumptions here. This is how misunderstandings arise.
Perhaps she is a complete shitbag but maybe she isn't.
Since your DH isn't going to discuss it with her, you'll never know what her plans are.

Mari9999 · 21/02/2023 22:37

@SilentHedges
I would hope to the Powers That Be, that I would have the grace and dignity to realize that it was my parents absolute right to do what they wished with the money and assets for which they (and not me) worked so hard. I would hope that I would not care if they wished to give it all to a stranger or have a bonfire with it. I would hope that I would be grateful for the good life that they provided for me while they lived and that I would not begrudge or resent their disposing of their resources in the way that they deemed best.

Maybe in the end I might not feel that way, but I certainly hope that I would feel that way when it mattered. I don't think that I would ever stop caring about family members because of money that neither I nor they did anything to earn.

icelolly12 · 21/02/2023 22:55

Just because she said she's pleased the other two sons won't struggle doesn't meant she's not including your DH in the will. It sounds like nothing was explicitly said and a direct conversation needs to be had.

Neverknowinglyunderbold · 21/02/2023 22:57

Might your husband have misunderstood? Just because she said the two boys still living at home would not have to worry about housing, she may simply be saying they would receive a healthy deposit, etc. Not that your DP will receive nothing. Would it not have been odd if she said all three would not have to worry about housing if your DH is already secured with a house?

What else did she say that makes him think he is definitely excluded rather than her just commenting on how much the share of money that will go to your brothers will really help them?

SilentHedges · 21/02/2023 23:53

Mari9999 · 21/02/2023 22:37

@SilentHedges
I would hope to the Powers That Be, that I would have the grace and dignity to realize that it was my parents absolute right to do what they wished with the money and assets for which they (and not me) worked so hard. I would hope that I would not care if they wished to give it all to a stranger or have a bonfire with it. I would hope that I would be grateful for the good life that they provided for me while they lived and that I would not begrudge or resent their disposing of their resources in the way that they deemed best.

Maybe in the end I might not feel that way, but I certainly hope that I would feel that way when it mattered. I don't think that I would ever stop caring about family members because of money that neither I nor they did anything to earn.

It's anyones absolute right to do what they like with their own money, we all know that.

I can spend all my money on myself, set fire to it, never give a penny charity, know I could help my loved ones but choose not to without a care and watch them struggle instead; because you know what, "I can do what I like with my own money". However, a lot of people call that out for what it is, selfish, self absorbed, uncaring, and frankly disgusting.

SilentHedges · 21/02/2023 23:57

Newnamenewme23 · 21/02/2023 21:24

There’s a difference though between the money going on care or even being spent on cruises and beer, and no one getting anything. That’s fair enough.

but when it’s deliberately arranged so you get nothing while siblings get a significant sum, then it’s not about the money. It’s about being effectively told you aren’t part of the family, that your parents don’t care enough about you to leave you your share.

if a parent wants to cut you off like that then I think it works both ways and you no longer consider them family.

getting a third of nothing still includes you as family. Getting nothing while siblings get half each deliberately excludes you as non family.

it’s not the money, it’s what it represents.

THIS. The message loud and clear is"I couldn't care less about you, your family, or grandchild".

Mari9999 · 22/02/2023 00:35

Deciding not to speak to family because of the distribution of money that you neither earned nor had any legal entitlement to says as much about you as about the donor. How can making a personal decision about the distribution of your own assets compare less favorably than family sitting around feeling entitled to some share of the deceased family members assets.

Why not say that I am going to work so hard to ensure that I am as successful as my parent and not "need" their assets? In fact, I am going to encourage them to spend their resources to enjoy their senior years to the fullest.

AllTheThingsIWantAreHere · 22/02/2023 00:45

I'd definitely want to find out.

Sep200024 · 22/02/2023 00:52

Mari9999 · 22/02/2023 00:35

Deciding not to speak to family because of the distribution of money that you neither earned nor had any legal entitlement to says as much about you as about the donor. How can making a personal decision about the distribution of your own assets compare less favorably than family sitting around feeling entitled to some share of the deceased family members assets.

Why not say that I am going to work so hard to ensure that I am as successful as my parent and not "need" their assets? In fact, I am going to encourage them to spend their resources to enjoy their senior years to the fullest.

That last bit’s a bit tricky when they’re already dead.

Ceilingplaits · 22/02/2023 01:06

Mari9999 · 22/02/2023 00:35

Deciding not to speak to family because of the distribution of money that you neither earned nor had any legal entitlement to says as much about you as about the donor. How can making a personal decision about the distribution of your own assets compare less favorably than family sitting around feeling entitled to some share of the deceased family members assets.

Why not say that I am going to work so hard to ensure that I am as successful as my parent and not "need" their assets? In fact, I am going to encourage them to spend their resources to enjoy their senior years to the fullest.

Because with a disabled child to look after, in the current economic climate and with a multitude of factors affecting all our lives it isn't often possible to earn enough to have security by working hard and it hurts very much when people you love choose to watch you suffer when they could help. Duh.

musicalgymball · 22/02/2023 01:41

Mari9999 · 22/02/2023 00:35

Deciding not to speak to family because of the distribution of money that you neither earned nor had any legal entitlement to says as much about you as about the donor. How can making a personal decision about the distribution of your own assets compare less favorably than family sitting around feeling entitled to some share of the deceased family members assets.

Why not say that I am going to work so hard to ensure that I am as successful as my parent and not "need" their assets? In fact, I am going to encourage them to spend their resources to enjoy their senior years to the fullest.

It says that you understand the relative value that has been placed on you vs your siblings and so you are rightfully responding by updating the value you place on the person who made that decision.

marmiteandminticecream · 22/02/2023 06:30

i would of asked which son is being left out
just to remind her she as 3 sons even though one is a step
(and to see her squirm)