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Original poster

Is this fair? Inheritance related.

237 replies

WhereTheresAWillTheresAWant · 21/02/2023 12:45

There are three adult siblings in DH family. DH is the eldest and is from his DF first marriage. Sadly, DH’s DM died when he was a baby. His DF married again when DH was very young and went on to have a further two boys with his new wife.

The new wife raised DH along with her two biological children and they still have a good relationship today. DH’s DF passed away six years ago and all of his assets went to his wife. However, his DF had a joint Will with his wife and all three children were included in the will with all to be shared fairly once the parents had passed.

At a visit with MIL (DH’s step mum) over the weekend, she talked about her plans to pay off her mortgage in a few weeks and how she was relieved to know the two boys would never have to worry about housing in the current climate. (DH’s adult brothers are still both living at home whilst studying). It transpires her plans are to leave the only asset to DH’s two brothers; this would mean she would need to have the current will amended to exclude DH.

DH didn’t say anything but it has blindsided him and he’s feeling very hurt; his step mum has raised him since he was small.

It does seem rather unfair but after all, it’s his DSM’s asset to do as she wishes. Would you be hurt by this? DH is not going to raise it and will carry on as normal but he is understandably taken aback about this.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 21/02/2023 14:00

I think she probably can do that, but that it is an awful thing to do.

Unfortunately, the point at which his df could have protected him was when he wrote his own will, and it is a shame he didn't arrange things differently.

He is going to have to have a conversation so he at least knows where he stands, "I've been thinking about our conversation last week, I think you were telling me you've decided to cut me out of the will, is that right? Can you tell me why?"

TheHomeEdit · 21/02/2023 14:01

Is it’s maybe some sort of amendment that the younger siblings can live in the family home while studying? If the mortgage wasn’t paid off maybe it would need to be sold ASAP?

DH and I are currently updating our wills. All children over 18 (just) but the youngest starting a 4 year degree this autumn and our will says family home not to be sold until one year post his graduation. The older children had the chance to come home after their courses finished while sorting out employment and somewhere to live - although they didn’t all need this we think it’s fair that youngest gets the same chance. Hopefully we will both live a lot longer than 5 years and it won’t be relevant. Once all the children are 'launched' and independent we will update the will again.

DH needs to talk to his step mum. He could email / write if he thinks it will make things simpler, but being an executor to a will he feels treats him badly could destroy any relationship with his siblings.

Original poster
WhereTheresAWillTheresAWant · 21/02/2023 14:02

@2bazookas I think you may be right about how MIL is thinking, although she knows we do not own our home. We rent in a very expensive area (no prospect of moving at the moment) and we have a young disabled child. DH siblings are in a much better position than us as they are both studying for high level degrees with the benefit of living at home for free.

OP posts:

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WB205020 · 21/02/2023 14:03

Im sorry to hear this is happening. It's always a risk this sort of thing and something that fills me with dread when a lot more families these days are blended with half siblings etc. Not that I have anything against that, im referring to the complexities of things like wills etc.

Funnily enough this is a very similar setup to a close friend of mine. Her DF has 3 children 1 from his first marriage where his 1st wife died and 2 from his 2nd. As a result the house and all his assets were locked up in a trust years ago and upon his death it goes into the 3 children's names equally with his 2nd wife, my friend mother, being able to stay in the house until she dies. I don't know the ins and outs but it was an agreed on thing between them years ago to ensure the kids are provided for and there are no problems later down the line.

I hope you DH is able to have a frank conversation, perhaps with his siblings, assuming they are close, but ultimately with his step mother.

Im99912 · 21/02/2023 14:05

I certainly wouldn’t be an executor for her will either

BlueHeelers · 21/02/2023 14:10

Your DH's step-mother is COMPLETELY venal, thoughtless & unreasonable.

She is basically disinheriting your DH and going against her husband's (your DH's father) wishes in HIS will.

What a selfish greedy thoughtless woman.

I hope your DH finds a way to tell her how this makes him feel.

GlassTumbler · 21/02/2023 14:11

I sympathise with your DH. I started quite a similar thread yesterday.

You will attract the usual platitudes of "but no one should expect an inheritance" and "it's their money to do as they like with", which is tedious in the extreme.

Bottom line is - it's just unfair. Unfair plain and simple and hurtful. I don't see how it can't damage your DH's relationship with his step mother. It sure as hell damaged mine!

Sep200024 · 21/02/2023 14:11

How awful.

I am hoping that it doesn’t turn out to be as bad as it sounds here.

Your FIL would surely be devastated if he knew.

Do you think MIL would be bothered if she saw how upset your dh is?

Original poster
WhereTheresAWillTheresAWant · 21/02/2023 14:15

Based on the responses here, I’m going to encourage DH to ask MIL what her plans are rather than living with the uncertainty which is upsetting him. If it is as she declared it to be, it may be that MIL has to understand that this will be damaging to relationships; what else can she expect? She will have made it clear DH is inferior to his siblings.

OP posts:
Newnamenewme23 · 21/02/2023 14:19

I think if your mil is able to do this your fil takes some of the blame for not making his will specific.

my pil did the same “mirror wills” thing. Again after one died everything went to the other. One sibling has taken it upon themselves to appoint only them as power of attorney, and is changing the will so only they inherit.

i think mirror wills are a crock of shite tbh as it does leave the door open for a surviving spouse to completely disregard the wishes of the pre deceased.

my house is left to my kids, with dh having a lifetime interest. It’s not that I don’t trust him, but he has kids from a previous marriage and he would probably just split everything between all his kids. Which is fine, but it’s my house I brought to the marriage and I want it to be split between my children. The stepsibs will inherit their mums house.

Leirvassbu · 21/02/2023 14:27

I think you definitely should encourage DH to talk to her about what her plans are.
It doesn't necessarily sound like she's going to go to the solicitor and amend the will to leave the asset just to the other two boys. It's possible she is going to see about how she can protect them - as in, ensure they have somewhere to live - by adding some kind of clause giving them the right to live in the property for a certain length of time after her death.
What she might be concerned about is if she leaves the property to all three of the children, your DH could insist on having his share of it as soon as he inherits it which would mean her boys would have to buy him out or the property would have to be sold. So it could be something like that.

I find it very hard to believe that she could raise a child from such a young age and then just so flippantly cut them out of the inheritance and chat about it as part of a routine conversation. Mind you, there are some horrible people around.

AnotherSpare · 21/02/2023 14:27

Is there any chance at all that she was just clumsy with her wording? By saying sons 2 and 3 will not have to worry about housing could she have just meant that they currently live at home and when the time comes to move out they will find it easier to get a home because they are being left a share of her house. And she hasn't included DH in that comment because he already lives somewhere rather than because he's not getting a share?
I can see why this is hurtful for him and would encourage a diplomatic conversation between him and her, in which he might want to bring up what his father's wishes were.

SheilaFentiman · 21/02/2023 14:29

“One sibling has taken it upon themselves to appoint only them as power of attorney, and is changing the will so only they inherit.”

you can’t change a will under POA.

SeriouslyLTB · 21/02/2023 14:29

WhereTheresAWillTheresAWant · 21/02/2023 13:01

@AnneLovesGilbert He is. He would never ever raise it and DH says his family is more important than money but he is more disappointed for our own child. We have a child with a disability and owing to the fact we have a low income due to caring roles, DH always said his part of the inheritance would go to secure our DC’s future.

That would be admirable if he didn't have a child that may need the money. Not all inheritance conversations/situations have to descend into fractured families. Tell him to ask about his share and whether she is planning to leave it to grandchild. She may simply not think you need it.

Chewbecca · 21/02/2023 14:29

Newnamenewme23 · 21/02/2023 14:19

I think if your mil is able to do this your fil takes some of the blame for not making his will specific.

my pil did the same “mirror wills” thing. Again after one died everything went to the other. One sibling has taken it upon themselves to appoint only them as power of attorney, and is changing the will so only they inherit.

i think mirror wills are a crock of shite tbh as it does leave the door open for a surviving spouse to completely disregard the wishes of the pre deceased.

my house is left to my kids, with dh having a lifetime interest. It’s not that I don’t trust him, but he has kids from a previous marriage and he would probably just split everything between all his kids. Which is fine, but it’s my house I brought to the marriage and I want it to be split between my children. The stepsibs will inherit their mums house.

A POA cannot change a will.

SunlightThroughTrees · 21/02/2023 14:31

endofthelinefinally · 21/02/2023 13:09

It isn't fair but it is very common for this to happen. It is your DH's late father's fault for not making proper arrangements. He should have put your DH's share into trust for him. Sadly, what is now happening is legal and there isn't much you can do about it. A will can be changed any time.

Agreed. And it’s such a shame that so many parents don’t protect their children’s inheritance when they remarry.

Newnamenewme23 · 21/02/2023 14:32

Chewbecca · 21/02/2023 14:29

A POA cannot change a will.

Show quote history

I know. But a sibling who has taken control of their parents affairs can take them to a solicitor to change the will.

diddl · 21/02/2023 14:32

One sibling has taken it upon themselves to appoint only them as power of attorney, and is changing the will so only they inherit.

Is anyone stepping in to stop this?

You cannot appoint yourself as POA & change things to your own bev´nefit.

Anything done must be to the benefit of the donor.

SheilaFentiman · 21/02/2023 14:35

OP, I agree with other posters that DH needs to raise it as she may have meant eg housing them until studies finished.

SheilaFentiman · 21/02/2023 14:35

Newnamenewme23 · 21/02/2023 14:32

I know. But a sibling who has taken control of their parents affairs can take them to a solicitor to change the will.

Show quote history

A solicitor should not change a will if a person doesn’t have capacity, no matter who drives them there.

mewkins · 21/02/2023 14:41

saveforthat · 21/02/2023 13:30

I find it hard to believe she would do this and tell him breezily naming him as executor. Even harder to believe he refuses to raise it with her. Are you sure there is no misunderstanding going on? If I was in your DH's position I would say "but you are taking my share of my Father's inheritance"

I wonder if there is a misunderstanding too. Your dh needs to start a conversation along the lines of 'can I clarify something' and then ask why his father's original will is being overlooked now and ask why. I can understand that he will feel uncomfortable but she raised the subject first.

Newnamenewme23 · 21/02/2023 14:41

diddl · 21/02/2023 14:32

One sibling has taken it upon themselves to appoint only them as power of attorney, and is changing the will so only they inherit.

Is anyone stepping in to stop this?

You cannot appoint yourself as POA & change things to your own bev´nefit.

Anything done must be to the benefit of the donor.

Not yet as it will cause an enormous family row. Plus unless they share the will no one can say for definite what’s in it.

long story but basically sibling has taken complete control. They have done all the POA forms without telling sibs. Parent is competent but has dementia so goes along with what they are told, signs forms put in front of them.

it’s an utterly shit situation. Sibling swears it is all being done in parents best interest, but it’s basically them taking all the money from the sale of the family home.

how do you stop it anyway? If the parent sits in front of a solicitor and agrees everything goes to one child?

LakeTiticaca · 21/02/2023 14:42

What a mean and nasty thing to do to someone who she brought up from babyhood. This seems to be a common theme with second marriages and step children etc.
She might end up with no assets anyway if she needs care in her old age

diddl · 21/02/2023 14:44

A solicitor should not change a will if a person doesn’t have capacity, no matter who drives them there.

You'd hope that that would be the case wouldn't you?

If they have capacity then they can do as they wish.

If they are being coerced what is being done?

Chewbecca · 21/02/2023 14:46

Im99912 · 21/02/2023 14:00

@Chewbecca
even if the house is in trust the surviving spouse is able to downsize
the trust just goes over to the new property
my dad downsized and it wasn’t an issue

I know, but as I said, DH and I are currently of the view that it would be ok if the surviving spouse spent all the assets we have in their remaining lifetime and don't want any ties on those assets.

I dislike the idea that we have to 'save' our wealth for inheritances whilst potentially stopping doing something we may always have wanted to. Maybe as I / we get older I will feel more comfortable with tying up a portion of the assets for inheritance but not yet (we 50s and retired).