What is something someone has said that is etched in your brain?

[WhiteNoiseMoreToys]

Mine is when I was 17, pretty self conscious and just finished being intimate with my then boyfriend.

We decided to get up and go out and as I sat up to put my top on he poked my belly and said “Christ, you could feed Africa with that tyre” it baffles me now, how brazen it was to just come out with it. But I was a size 8-10 and honestly I think I’m still confused 😂

Its one of those things that ‘pop’ into my mind at random times ans it’s gout me wondering what others peoples ‘moments’ are when they remember something someone has said that might not have significance, but will always be remembered.

Pregnant with dc1 'you are lucky nowadays, I had to have you, we couldn't get abortions then'
pregnant with dc2 'Well I knew you'd do THIS again. Why do you keep upsetting me?'
Pregnant with dc3 'you don't need another one. Honestly!'

And when all three were here, she told me I was a dreadful mother and she wished she could bring them up!!

Another couple that I remembered, one from my school report aged 12 when my headmaster wrote that I was a "delightful girl" and that he was "sure I would find success". It was such a kind and complimentary comment that I'll always remember it, even though now at the stage of life and state of my career/health, I certainly don't feel very successful. Although I would definitely say I had great success having 3 beautiful and healthy DC.

Another comment that I have always thought about was a boy in mu year at school who knew my younger (now sadly deceased) brother. He said one day in passing to me that my brother was alright but "you're not". I know that I didn't need to take his comment seriously or to heart but I never forgot it, even 20 odd years later.

"You're a spoilt, selfish little girl who doesn't deserve to have friends."

Said to me by a teacher I looked up to on the last night of a school trip. All week a group of girls had bullied me by exclusion and then on the last night begged me to join them. Sensing some kind of set up I told them to fuck off and leave me alone. They went straight to the teacher to whinge that I wouldn't hang out with them and she said that to me in front of everyone. We were 15 FFS!

I'm 41 now and I still remember it word for word. The teacher is still tangentially in my life (no direct involvement but our paths cross periodically) and over the years I've learned she is generally a horrible person all around.

Something occurred to me reading this thread, about other people’s comments on our looks and our bodies. I’m not a dog person particularly, but I’m willing to bet that a lot of people on this thread are. Would any dog owner taunt a dachshund for its short legs, or an Old English sheepdog for its large build and thick hairy coat?

Because I just had a vision of a group of dogs round a table, the poodle berating her curly hair, the border terrier saying he looks like a coir doormat, the chihuahua saying she wishes she was bigger, the Akita grumbling that they’re too big - you get the picture (please, someone do a meme 😂).

Joking apart, it’s just as ridiculous to expect us all to fit into some currently fashionable idea of ‘hot’ as it is to expect a dachshund to run like a greyhound. And yes, I know there are show standards for breeds but most loving owners don’t give a stuff whether their dog conforms to them. Why should women expect to be treated worse than dogs?

So I’ve had lots of nasty comments over the years but I’m going to focus on not one but two nice ones from today! A lady stopped me on the tube and said she loved my style and a busker told me (after I’d apologised that I had no change) - what a fabulous smile and glamorous lady you are. Made my day 😍

Hopefully we can break the cycle and be more supportive to our kids!

My ex husband told me “you’re not beautiful, just chocolate box pretty”, then after we separated “you’re pretty, so you’ll get men interested, but as soon as they see your personality they’ll run a mile”. Almost 20 years later that second one still dogs me.

As with about 90% of these, he was saying whatever he thought would hurt you. He would have dressed up as Carmen Miranda and done the Macarena in the city centre if he thought it would somehow hurt you.

"Don't grow up like HER, she's got no friends."- My dad, to my four year old brother, pointing at fourteen year old me who was having a tricky time with my friendship group in secondary school. My mum had told him in the hopes that he might chat to me about it when he picked us up.

"Don't smile like that, it's too overconfident and you have neither the looks nor the personality to pull that off." My dad, to 13 year old me.

"You're too big in the shoulders. Like a bloke. That's what you are. You won't ever be petite or anything else men look for. Better develop a bubbly personality if you want to have anything going for you." My stepmum, eavesdropping on a chat between me and my big sister about halter neck tops. When I was 13 or 14.

"So, you've chosen to be a tart. You can't dance, don't have any talent and not much by way of looks, so you've decided to use your big cartoon tits to be a slapper." Lecture delivered by both Dad and stepmum after learning there was a school disco where I danced with a boy. I think I was 13.

"You wanna play with the big boys, you expect trouble!" My dad after grabbing my head in his hands, lifting me off the floor and body slamming me to the ground age 10. After I refused to physically fight my sisters at his behest because we had been caught squabbling again. Sometimes when I'm falling asleep, I can hear him shout that the same way I heard it then. I knew it was loud but my hearing was going muffled due to the ringing in my ears.

He was a very very aggressive and frightening man. His girlfriend was a very aggressive and frightening woman. He has changed a great deal as he's got older and I always wonder if it's because he's done therapy and is ashamed of who he was or if it's because we're grown ups with husbands and he's afraid of not coming out on top if he tried bullying. None of us let him look after our children.

This little gem courtesy of DM -

I'd mentioned to her that my otherwise adorable DC(5) had been a bit difficult lately particularly afterschool (overtired, tantrums etc). Her advice was that maybe it was time to find somewhere else for him to live since I wasn't coping, and that she'd actually been researching 'homes' online!! WTAF?!

An old boss of mine said I was ‘just blank’, that I had no personality. That still pops into my head all the time.
I didn’t last much longer in that job but it’s fed into some of my insecurities.

No words

I was out clubbing with a friend when we were 18/19. Both probably a size 14-16. I'd kill to be that size now, but hey ho.

A group of "lads" walked past us in the street and one yelled, "Two little ducks, two fat fucks!" and the all guffawed and congratulated him in that obnoxious way drunk "lads" do.

I'm 44 now. Still stings. Bastards.

Police woman to me after I'd phoned the police after a DV incidence . " we 'blue lighted ' all the way over here & then find it's only a 'domestic '
Said with a nasty sneer .
Her attitude was such that the next time I needed help I didn't call the police . When I made a complaint the interviewing officer accused me of lying .

It saddens me that so many of us have been hurt, especially because we as people recall a lot of the bad stuff due to brain's negativity bias

Said to my mother (but in front of me) by a teacher -

“Stop thinking she’s going to be something she’s not. There will always be people that are needed to work in factories and there’s nothing wrong with that”.

Said to me during an argument with a very inappropriate boyfriend at the time -

“you are such an arse hole. You are nothing but a girl from {insert non descript village} and that is all you’ll ever be”.

I was barely 21 and had given up my opportunity to go to university to stay “home” with him. I guess that did make me an arsehole but not for the reasons he identified. 😅

Said by one of my friends when she heard my work place was closing - You'll have to sell that big house you're in. A 3 bed semi.

@Twawmyarse2 Thank you, so much xxx

I was six months pregnant and struggling with having to see my ex so often as our paths crossed often at work (he wanted nothing to do with me)

one day he called to talk about practical things and I became emotional and said I don’t understand why you hate me he replied as cool as can be ‘HRT Queen I don’t hate you I’m indifferent’

I felt like I had been kicked it was so horrible. I believe he had to have practiced that line in his head. It would play over and over in my mind for a few years and I cried so many tears

now I can tell the story and laugh at what a pathetic bulky he was

I tell my children (although they are adults now!) as often as I can how proud I am of them and how their happiness is all that matters. I could write a book about the nasty things my mother said to be honest!
Another classic, when I told her DH and I were celebrating a particular anniversary: 'Well I shouldn't imagine he wants to does he?'

*bully

I am a practicing Buddhist. The monk from my local center was out with a friend of his, and they saw a woman who was terribly, extremely obese. The friend said “I am going to go tell that woman that she could be healthier if she lost weight” and he stopped her. He told her that the woman already knew she was obese and did not need a stranger to tell her, and confirm it yet again. He suggested that, if she wanted to say anything kind and helpful, to tell the woman that she is beautiful. That is something she might need to hear, perhaps as a first step to believing she is worth the effort to help herself.

Since he told that story as part of a lesson, I make it a point to tell people OFTEN that they are beautiful, or brilliant, or appreciated. Maybe collectively we can turn this around. In twenty years we will read women posting on mumsnet about the awful things their parents/siblings/partners said and then will add “but this person I knew told me I was beautiful.” Or glowing. Or clever. And turned them around. each of us has opportunities to make children feel valued, women appreciated, co-workers admired. And if ALL of us do, maybe we can change the world.

Sounds like my mum. Visits me when my house is bit messy ( not dirty) and tells me my children would be taken into care if social workers saw it!

Dh and I went to dd2 's parent's evening and her maths teacher said she had done very well in her last test 99%. In all seriousness dh started interrogating the teacher where she had lost the 1%. The teacher didn't know whether he was joking or not and dd2 was trying to disappear!

😞 well I hope you both enjoyed it. Congratulations from me anyway for what it's worth 🌹🌺 xx