When people die young

[JoonT]

Today it is 30 years since my cousin died. He was only nine and drowned while on holiday. We weren't close (I barely knew him), but I often think about him. The parents live in Australia, and have put some photos I've never seen on social media, which is why I can't get it out of my head. Psychologically, it's something I just can't compute. I have no religious faith, so I don't know why I should be surprised. Life is just random stuff happening – unpredictable and meaningless. Has anyone else out there had this experience? I mean, of knowing someone young who died in a silly, random way? Stupid, random things like drowning, or falling off a cliff, makes life seem so ridiculous and absurd.

A girl I went to school with died when we were 22- she drowned whilst away travelling. We weren't close by the time she died but had been in early years of secondary and I'd gone to her house a lot, knew her sisters etc and I loved following her travels on Facebook. I was teacher training at the time and remember seeing a Facebook post of her in some exotic place before going off to teach a group of loopy year 8 kids and being jealous. Three days later I was idley flicking through a copy of The Independent in the staff room and there was a full page photo of her, she had drowned the afternoon that I had been admiring her photos. I couldn't compute it, it seemed so senseless.

That was over ten years ago and I still think of her often and of what a waste of a life that was. I'm not religious either so don't feel any comfort from the idea of where she might be now. I remember the afternoon of her funeral and sitting in the sunshine outside the crematorium feeling utterly bereft at the pointlessness of it.

I think it's normal to feel reflective on the anniversary. Remember them and be kind to yourself @JoonT

Two boys in my primary class died before they were 18; motorbike crashes.

Male friend to suicide before he was 20.

Still when I see the numbers who died young in war etc; volunteers and conscripts and professionals, trying to compute that they were all individuals.

With all of them just hard to realise that that's it; their chance of life over with so early.

@Mistletoewench thank you so much. I’m so sorry to hear you lost your sister too. It’s just so hard to accept. What makes it worse it that it was cry for help, not an actual suicide attempt. She took a picture of everything she had taken for her boyfriend to show the doctors. He didn’t show them. He knew exactly what she had taken but only mentioned two out of four of them. The one that actually took her life in the most horrific way was never mentioned and the hospital never did a blood test to check. So many mistakes were made. Her cry for help went so horrifically wrong. We strongly believe she never actually wanted to die. She had BPD so doing things as a cry for help wasn’t unusual for her. Sorry to offload so much info onto you, a complete stranger. I can just tell you’re so kind and it helps to get let it out 💔

There was a clip on the news the other day about a guy who was out for a night with friends, got into a stupid scuffle, was sucker punched and died instantly. The video has been shared online because the (very noble and brave) mother wants it to serve as a warning.

I feel like this happens more than people might think. Do men realise that 'just one punch' can paralyse or kill someone? I have been involved in a legal case where this happened.

So sad to hear of all the losses on here. Drowning and motor accidents seem fairly common. So senseless.

If you've been affected by it, does it make you more cautious or determined to live as you feel, as it might end tomorrow? I've definitely become more risk-averse as I've grown older. I am so happy with my family and can't bear the chance that something terrible might happen. It probably won't, but it could. It does freak me out.

This one too...I taught in his school, he was in y2 at the time of his death. What a waste.

www.thisislocallondon.co.uk/news/835515.affair-that-never-was-saw-dad-kill-family/

@Maxineputyourredshoeson1 I am glad talking about it here helped you. You have been through such a lot.

@Maxineputyourredshoeson1 thank you for sharing.

I had a panic after I posted last night, I had a sleepless night and after reading through others posts thought I'd just jot something down.

Ending up writing far more than I intended and after posting worried I'd badly missed the spirit of the thread but it does sometimes help to speak out these thoughts.

I knew a boy at school who lost his mother to suicide, his father didn't cope and drank himself into an early death and I read on social media recently that boy had since taken his own life as well. Very sad for the whole family.

I also work in a children's hospital. So know if many young deaths. One that sticks out, is a 9 year old who survived brutal cancer treatment, had his trachy out and was doing well. Went on holiday and choked on a grape. That was awfully

DS has lost 2 kids in his class at school, one to cancer in YR2 and the other, who was his friend, in a horrific accident last year (which made the papers).

A girl I grew up with died of cancer aged 23. She'd got married a year earlier. We travelled to school together for 5 years.

A relative lost his 18 year old son to suicide. He was found in a local park the next day.

Growing up I lived on a very busy road with the zebra crossing pretty much directly opposite my house. Witnessed alot of accidents with people losing their lives due to careless drivers, including kids.

Recently I have been consumed by the futility of life and it's suffering having watched other people watch their loved ones die and the awful suffering their families go through, in this case, it is teenagers, who's parents have died. It feels totally out of proportion that I know so many who have died in such a short period of time. Reading this thread has brought it home that this futility and suffering is widespread.

A uni friend died in a car crash at 25. We had only, in reality, seen each other twice since graduation 4 years prior. But we enjoyed a lot of Facebook banter and shared some tv show obsessions which always caused a good chat between us and other friends. When I saw someone post an announcement on her page, stating what had happened and that they had contacted as many people as they could before announcing en mass….I was just so shocked. So many memories, she was gone.

I’ve had to deal with death a lot - all my grandparents starting with first passing away when I was only 7. Yes they all lived long lives but it still shocks to the core and leaves such a void.

My mum passed away when I was 7, within days of a cancer diagnosis. She was 42. I count that as young. I’m 7 years from that age now, and work call me “the young one” and say constantly “I’ve got plenty of time left”. If I think about it too hard, it just swallows me up.

Its why I try so hard to keep life in perspective, so much easier said then done. We only get one.

There are some beautiful lines in a Philip Larkin poem:

we should be careful
of each other, we should be kind
while there is still time.

As I was reading through the posts, those lines bubbled up into my mind. You never know what pain somebody is carrying. We shouldn't be too quick to judge people (which I often am).

HyggeTyggee. Yes, I agree about the so-called 'one punch killer' phenomenon. I have heard men in pubs boasting about their son knocking a guy out. Too many fathers have a neanderthal attitude to violence, which they pass on to their sons, who are then desperate to prove themselves.

The most dangerous are the young guys who've got punchbags at home, or have been working out in a boxing gym. They underestimate how strong and hard they can hit.

A friend's son accidentally killed himself when he was 15.

I went to school with a girl who died in her early 20s. She had a problem with her heart.

A girl in my pe class was running backwards and fell hitting her head she went to get up and fell back. She had been put in an induced coma, as she had a bleed on the brain utimately they switched the machines off and she passed away aged 14.

Another was an ex boyfriend, he got too intoxicated on a night out, he got separated and wandered off by the river ousse and fell in. They found his body 11 days later. He was only 20 years old.

I think about them often they could have easily had a family of their own and they would have been 36 years old by now.

Too many… a boy who was in my class from the start of infants died by overdose when we were 16. He seemed to be a good kid with friends and came from a decent family, which shows you never know what lies beneath.
… a Uni friend died in an avalanche while skiing. During our final year… so much of life ahead
… a mummy friend I met when our babies were days old, had terminal cancer and died aged 27 leaving behind 2 toddlers.
… and my brother took his own life when he was only 28.

Was part of a carnival and one of the trailers was a roller skating one. A young girl sat on part of the trailer and when she tried to get off she fell backwards because she was wearing skates and fell in front of the lorry wheels
I still remember the screams of a lad that saw it..
I think of it often and it happened over 30 years ago

My uncle was 15 when he died in an accident, along with his 17 years old colleague. They got buried under sand avalanche, his brain was dead for few days then he passed away.

My school colleague died in car accident when he was 17. I remember I saw him that morning, he broke off early from school. Next day we found out he's dead. I still remember the complete silence in school corridors, where normally it's so loud!

My friend's brother took his own life next day after she got married. I saw him on her wedding. It's horrible, no one saw it coming.

In my local coffee shop there is a photograph framed on the wall of a teenage-looking barista with a plaque saying “here for a good time, not a long time”. I don’t know her story but I always pause a moment when I see and think of her, and I think it’s nice they have remembered her in that way.

Love that quote, I've saved it on my phone.

I was lucky enough not to lose anyone close in my teens or 20s but lost 2 friends to cancer in their late 30s which hit me really hard. It makes it feel like cancer is a statistically much more likely thing even at this age than it did before. I also feel a bit of guilt that I am still alive when they're not, they were both better people than me & took better care of themselves. Feels terrible for their kids and husbands too.

A friend died by suicide when I was about 17 and he was about 19. He was besotted with some girl who didn't feel the same way. I think it might have been a cry for help gone wrong. RIP Mark

Another friend a few years after that died in a accident. He was touring Europe on his motorbike with a friend and was crushed by an Artic lorry. He was such a gifted bloke, everyone loved him and he was a total nerd but still he was the centre of our friendship circle. RIP Iain.

A girl in my Brownies when I was about 6 had cancer. She was very ill. She just disappeared so I assume she died but I don't know for sure.

Lastly the Best Man at my Wedding. He was 38 so not young, young but still not old. He went for a run and collapsed in the shower. Turned out he had a hereditary heart condition because his dad did the same when our shopping. Him and I didn't really get along but I was so upset when he died. His future gone just like that.