When people die young

[JoonT]

Today it is 30 years since my cousin died. He was only nine and drowned while on holiday. We weren't close (I barely knew him), but I often think about him. The parents live in Australia, and have put some photos I've never seen on social media, which is why I can't get it out of my head. Psychologically, it's something I just can't compute. I have no religious faith, so I don't know why I should be surprised. Life is just random stuff happening – unpredictable and meaningless. Has anyone else out there had this experience? I mean, of knowing someone young who died in a silly, random way? Stupid, random things like drowning, or falling off a cliff, makes life seem so ridiculous and absurd.

My good friend who lived a couple of doors down, Trudie, died when she was about 11 I guess of a hole in the heart. I still have a birthday card she gave me, written in pencil, that was mid seventies. I still think of her.

About two years later my classmate Christopher was accidentally shot and died, I remember seeing his name in the paper and having to tell our teacher what I’d read when he wasn’t there for registration.

The first 'young' person I knew who died, was a lad 3 years above me in school (aged 15.) He got knocked over by a car in a hit and run (they caught the 30 y.o. man a few days later.) I was 12 years old.

The lad died from his injuries 3 days later. He was one of the most popular boys in school, good at sport, good at singing, could play 3 musical instruments, and could speak 3 languages. He was very intelligent and academic.

He had such a bright future. In a school of 2000 kids where 1900 of them would never go to uni, HE was one destined for uni. Not that anyone who was NOT good at all these things/academically bright would have been any less worthy of course, I am just saying...... he had so much going for him. I still see his sister 45 years later 5 or 6 times a year, and think of him EVERY time I see her.

Just 6 months later, another school kid died. She was 14 and died of a massive heart failure. No-one ever knew why. Her family left the area soon after and I have never seen them since.

A few months later, a neighbour's son aged 12 was diagnosed with cancer, and died 3 months after being diagnosed. This was all before I was 13.

I still think of all 3 of them occasionally, but mostly the first lad who got killed by a hit and run driver. (He got 5 years for manslaughter and leaving the scene of a crime etc,) and came out after 3 years. Out to live his life. Not like the boy he killed.

Yes, far too many, every one a senseless loss and unending agony for the family left behind. No parent should outlive their child, it’s not the natural order.

From SIDS and childhood illnesses, many many in tragic accidents, youngish parents (30s, 40s, 50s) dying after a long terminal illness, or suddenly from unexpected and heart failure or whatever. Every one is unforgettable and so desperately unfair.

An elderly relative would say, “Too good for this world, gone to a better place”, but I don’t think so.

Thoughts with anyone remembering premature losses, they say time heals… I’m not so sure.

@FlashDash sometimes I feel a little heartless but my 96 year old grandmother is done with life. I hope she goes peacefully but I know it will be a relief for her. My twin sister died when we were little, my 16yo cousin died when I was 14, my 2 aunts died when I was 19 and 29 but both left young dc - I’ve had a 7yo son and the other had 11 and 14 yo daughters (both were in their 40s), and my friend’s sister died in childbirth with her 3rd dc just last year.

that said, I do understand that people who haven’t experienced anything like this find their first family death perhaps harder than others. I do realise that my outlook isn’t the same as others and I’ve not lost a parent yet myself. I’m not sure how that’ll hit me but I’ll ignore that for now.

Friends brother died when he was three. It was an accident in the Garden.

5 years ago, just before Xmas, my 15 month old niece went to bed perfectly well and never woke up

it still haunts me, the funeral 2 days before Xmas, the inquest, why just why???

it’s definitely affected how I parent my 4 year olds, I still have a video monitor in my room & feel very anxious without it

This has one has me crying. All
of the stories are terribly sad, but this has moved me to tears. RIP to him.

Friend died age 21 from encephalitis

Cousin... long story but I had excruciating back pain and had MRI and spinal surgery
My cousin also had excruciating back pain and was turned away from hospital several times. In despair he took someone else's prescription meds and died in his sleep age 34

Friend age 31 died being kicked by her horse

I have friends and colleagues who work in PICU but I couldn't do it.

many years ago my then long term girlfriend's sister was killed in a car crash - she was 23. This was pre internet days but the story was in the national press for a few days because of some unusual aspects of the incident. My girlfriend went off the rails a bit after - starting ding drugs and stuff. We eventually split up. I still think about them both and wish I could have done more to help.

Agree OP. Suicide, friends brother. Her little brother so it felt even younger to us i think than if it had been another kid the same age iyswim. I'm not sure she'll ever truly get over it, or her parents. I think of him more than makes sense, i hadn't seen him other than in passing since Primary school, think we were in Uni and he was near end of Secondary. Such sad, senseless waste of life

My DM is in her 70's and to this day will always remember her best friend age 18 dying in a car crash driven by a boy showing off. 4 teens died in the car that day

and I had a cousin who was killed in a motorcycle accident aged 17 - my auntie never got over it and eventually drunk herself to death. So sad.

My brother in a shooting accident when he was 17, I was 14.
My son to suicide, 19, 4 years ago.

I still think often of the man my brother would be now and still think of myself as younger than him, I suspect it radically changed the course of my life but who knows for better or worse.

As for my son...I don't know, I feel like I'm looking at life from the other side of a sheet of glass. I can appreciate the beauty of life, maybe more so than before but I can't feel it. I don't know why I'm still here and I'm so tired of struggling to be OK for other people.

It's driven a wedge between my daughter, her Mum and I, though we still love and care for each other very much it's just so damn hard to meet the grief in each others eyes.

I realise now that a similar thing happened with my parents after losing my brother for many, many years.

Sorry I don't know where all that came from and have forgotten what the question was

My ex partner, my dchilds dad died 2 years next week. He died due to drugs, I found him. I will never get over it and I feel it will always be this way.

i work in customer care and a few weeks ago,I had a lady come in and we got chatting
just before Christmas her sister had gone out,got pissed and had a burger and chips from a burger van-as we’ve all done
got home,drank a pint of water (I’m guessing to minimise her hangover),passed out,vomited and choked to death

she was 20 years old

20-I have 3 kids older than that-my heart went out to her big sister who has heartbroken that she couldn’t save her,in fact she found her little sister (they lived together with the lasses nephew-the big sister is the little ones mum)

it’s not bloody fair

my heart broke when the big sister told me,every night,just before the tots bedtime,they look out of the window and find the biggest star-its his aunt smiling down on them

20 years old-she was just starting out in life

The worst young deaths for me are those where the family took them to hospital more than once but were misdiagnosed so died completely unnecessarily.

I would find that impossible to bear and come to terms with

I would just want ti be permanently sedated I think

I can't even begin to understand how horrific that is for you. It doesn't seem fair.

My SILs cousin died aged 14. She was in the back of a car being driven by an older teen. The 2 lads in the front were wearing seat belts . No seat belts in the back. She went through the windscreen and died. They were fine. Every year flowers are placed on the bridge where we live. I often think of her

When I was 5, my mum was 23. We shared the school run with two other children, whose mum was probably about the same age as mine, no more than 25. One day, it was their mum's turn to collect us, except she didn't turn up. We waited for ages, with the teacher, and eventually my mum turned up, white as a sheet. Their mum had been waiting at some traffic lights on her way to come and get us when a lorry smashed into the back of her. She died instantly. I still think of her poor children - they moved away with their dad not long after - but also her, how young she was and what a terrible thing to happen.

Choking on a bit of sausage. That's the kind of thing I mean – so random and absurd.

I remember reading about a guy whose brother had died in a freak wave on holiday in Cornwall. They were both kids, and had been messing around, surfing, etc. They asked their mum if they could go in for one last swim. She said yes, they went in up to their waists, and a freak wave knocked them off their feet and dragged the younger brother out to sea. The family went home, and barely spoke about of him ever again. The surviving brother got on with his life, went to university, married, etc, and kind of buried it all. Then one day, as an adult, he returned to the spot and cried his heart out.

It's a cliche, but these stories do keep life in perspective. It's good to remind ourselves how randomnly and suddenly life can end, and how fragile it truly is.

@RoseThornside That's so so sad

I don't know anyone in my immediate family but I've had 3 students from past form groups die. One just went to sleep, aged 12, absolutely fine, and never woke up. One had some issues with his parents accepting his sexuality and tragically took his own life just after his GCSE exams. Another was high on drugs and accidently fell in front of a train on his 17th birthday. Its so so tragic and I am heartbroken for their families.

A dear friend of mine died in his 20s just over thirty years ago... He lived in Derbyshire.. Five of them killed in a Mini Metro that overturned and burst into flames. The driver had only passed her test a few days before... I was on holiday and read it in a newspaper... I was heartbroken...

Not someone I knew personally but a local boy (17 or so) who tragically committed suicide not too long after his close friend had been killed in a car accident. So terrible 😞