When people die young

[JoonT]

Today it is 30 years since my cousin died. He was only nine and drowned while on holiday. We weren't close (I barely knew him), but I often think about him. The parents live in Australia, and have put some photos I've never seen on social media, which is why I can't get it out of my head. Psychologically, it's something I just can't compute. I have no religious faith, so I don't know why I should be surprised. Life is just random stuff happening – unpredictable and meaningless. Has anyone else out there had this experience? I mean, of knowing someone young who died in a silly, random way? Stupid, random things like drowning, or falling off a cliff, makes life seem so ridiculous and absurd.

@NeedHelpToReachTheEnd I don't think people are implying it's a grief competition and that people aren't allowed to be devastated when they lose a parent.

I guess it depends on your life experience. My son died aged 18 after the most horrendous battle with cancer. My mum died a year later from a different cancer. Both devastating. But , although my mum was only 71 when she died she had lived a full life, had jobs, loves, got married, had kids had grandchildren. My son didn't get the chance to do any of that. His death was so much more devastating, cruel and unfair.

Losing a loved one of any age is horrendous. The truly desperately sad thing about losing a young person, like my son, is that you grieve all those years they didn't get the chance to live.

Love and gentleness to all missing loved ones.

My 7 year old cousin was murdered by a relative.

Why do other people have ‘no fucking idea’?

Sorry but I disagree. These stories of lost children, teens and young adults are tragic. The death of an 80 year old is sad but not tragic. And foreseeable in that we are all going to die one day and it’s usually at around that age. The two simply aren’t the same. Old age is a privilege denied to many.

@minmooch I'm not sure about comparing grief , it's something that effects us all so differently but I can relate to what your saying.

My sons girlfriend at the time of his death has just had a baby, she's lovely and I truly want to be happy for her but I'm overwhelmed that but for one decision in a moment of madness my son could now be a Dad. That he to could know that feeling of holding a new born in his hands and knowing nothing else matters, that everything makes sense.

I know it doesn't work like that but I can't shake the feeling.

My friend at school died aged 13, just didn’t wake up from his sleep. I still remember walking into the school canteen and hearing the news. He is buried right across from my grandparents so I often visit his grave. He had a hard time at school and the boy who bullied him actually killed himself when we were around 20 years old. I’d known him (the boy who died by suicide) since we were in primary 1 and he was always such a troubled soul. His family actually won a lot of money on the lottery when we were around age 6 or 7, but they were always in difficulty and sadly money couldn’t buy them happiness. Both deaths have stayed with me and I think about them often - tragic.

My 34 year old sister died by suicide last month. I’m so shattered. It still doesn’t feel real. She was everything to me. I don’t see how life will ever be the same 💔

i lost my beautiful sister aged 51 from a brain aneurysm. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the pain on her being gone.

ageing is a privilege and every year we have is one more than another soul was granted. I get cross with people moaning about getting old. We should have every birthday with a smile and remember those who didn’t make it.

One month ago is so very near, I'm so sorry. Grief by suicide is so complex.

Please reach out for help, if you're in the UK there's local volunteer support groups for people bereaved by suicide that cover the whole UK.
The main one is Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (SOBS) but there are others.
I attend a local group called Sunflowers started by a family that lost their son 6 years ago.
It's been so helpful to just sit and listen, sometimes talk to a small, held group of people that have been through the same if only to help me understand I wasn't going mad in a world that no longer makes sense.
To understand that the effects of such trauma are physical as well as emotional. There's no right way to cope or ordered steps to recovery.

Some areas have sibling bereavement groups as well.

DM me if you want to talk I can listen

A girl from our village was killed crossing the road, she was 13. The school took me and another girl to her funeral. I can still remember stumbling out of the church sobbing my heart out.

A friend died in a plane crash when she was 17, that was an awful time.

A tragic death of a young person, is something you never get over, you just learn to live alongside it. We talk about him regularly, think about him, he was such a lovely person, and far too young to have passed. Life can be very cruel, especially for those left behind.

At first, when i read you post, i thought what xxxx are you on about... but after re reading it, i see what your getting at..

Grief is relative, if your life is safe and secure and very much loved parent dies its awful, huge shock and loss.

My partner died at 34, the shock/loss was absolutely beyond description and will never leave me, 24 years on, i think of him every day.. my Mum, who i was very close too died at 83, yes there was loss grief, sadness and i miss her very much too BUT she had her life, had kids, cuddled her grandchildren, i get solace from knowing her pain is over and she is at peace (she was a committed Christian, so i hope she is where she believed she will be)

Grief is never ending, you just build a life around your loss.

Many boys i went to school with died on motorcycles, only 17 or 18 years old, before the laws changed and better testing and less powerful bikes came in, i often think about the few i knew well and how much they missed out on for that short thrill they wanted.

@COL1N was this a Sheffield school by any chance? My sister was in his year, I was in the same year as his younger brother.

If it is him, he was 22 when the accident happened. Max was also involved but obviously ok.

My best friend died a week before her 26th birthday after a two year battle with cancer (which was missed by gps despite having all the symptoms). None of us knew she wouldn't get better with the treatment she was having. It was horrendous. She was an only child and an amazing person
But it has shaped my life profoundly. I am grateful for every day I have lived since then. It was 30 years ago.

A 15 year old school friend killed herself in a violent awful way. We weren’t massively close but she was in my wider friendship group. She was a gentle lovely girl. None of us had any idea. I do think about her regularly especially on the anniversary and I’m nearly 50.

@Surplus2requirements thank you so much for your lovely message 🫂 and for the very helpful resources. I will be in touch with both of them. She was on life support for four days before she died. She was in another country and we had to fly out to be with her. We got to spend three days by her side and watched her slowly deteriorate in the most horrific way. I’ll never get the images out of my mind. It was very traumatic. I know I need to speak to someone so thank you ❤️

@Alexandra2001
Thank you for replying. I was really angry when I wrote the response and wasn't as articulate as I could have been!
I'm so sorry about your partner, what a devastating loss. I cannot imagine the pain. I'm very sorry about your mum too.
I haven't had a life free from pain or loss, I lost one parent when I was 15 and the other more recently but I stand by what I said, that you shouldn't underestimate what the loss of a parent means to someone at any age. Everyone feels grief in their own way and for different reasons. In fact perhaps you can argue that those who have had a lot of loss and pain, may cope less well with the loss of a parent.
You've replied very sensitively, but I was really taken aback by the lack of empathy from previous posters. Of all threads, you'd think this would be the one where the terrible nature of loss can be empathised with.
Sorry for derailing a very sad and moving thread, there are some heartbreaking stories here.
to everyone that has suffered a loss.

I was at college with two 17 year olds killed in a car crash. The driver had only just passed his test. Thirty years this month. I can still remember their names.

@minmooch
Thank you for your very moving reply too
I'm so sorry about your son, that is unimaginable pain.
I completely appreciate everything you've said.
I got really annoyed at an earlier poster who was implying that someone should be over the death of her mother 5 or 6 years later.
I won't continue derailing the thread and I send you all condolences and very best wishes.

My 8 year old neighbour died in her sleep, she had an unknown heart condition and her heart just stopped beating that night. I think about her often. It is incredibly shocking when a young person dies. It's unnatural and unfair.

Also a man at University, he was 25, fell downstairs and split his head open. He was found dead the next day. That felt very surreal.

Strange how you hear of people surviving horror crashes without a scratch, and then someone else can just fall down some stairs and their life is over!

I don't think you've derailed the thread. As a culture I don't think we are very good at talking about death and grief and even worse at knowing how to listen to grieving people.

It's such an individual thing, there is no right or wrong way and full of conflicting emotions.
Sharing while we stumble around in a world we could never, or even want to imagine has to be a good thing.

My friend commuted suicide when he was 27.

Were you at school in Shropshire by any chance?

It's really hard coming to terms with someone younger than you dying. I recently went to a colleagues funeral. He passed away from a brain tumour age 29, so sad