When people die young

[JoonT]

Today it is 30 years since my cousin died. He was only nine and drowned while on holiday. We weren't close (I barely knew him), but I often think about him. The parents live in Australia, and have put some photos I've never seen on social media, which is why I can't get it out of my head. Psychologically, it's something I just can't compute. I have no religious faith, so I don't know why I should be surprised. Life is just random stuff happening – unpredictable and meaningless. Has anyone else out there had this experience? I mean, of knowing someone young who died in a silly, random way? Stupid, random things like drowning, or falling off a cliff, makes life seem so ridiculous and absurd.

I cannot deal with the fragility of life

A friend at school died when she was 12. She was run over and was in a coma for a few days then died. It was so strange, we were at school that day just hanging out at lunch time, talking about random stuff and the next day she just wasn’t there.

My DH and I were sitting at home one evening having a mild argument about preparations for Christmas. We heard a strange splintering sound and went outside to investigate but couldn't see anything (it was dark) and went back in. Turned out a man in his 20s had hit a tree, flipped his car over and was hanging upside down dead in the ditch across the road from our house. He was there for hours until someone discovered him and I don't know whether he died instantly or not. I still feel incredibly guilty whenever I think of it.

A friend died of sudden adult death when he was 20.

That's one that was difficult to get our heads around because there was literally never an explanation. He just went to sleep - forever.

One of my best secondary school mates died of cancer aged 15. I still think of her all the time and wonder what she would have done in life, the children she'd have had. It's heartbreaking.

My three friends died in a car accident when I was 16. They was 15 & 16. Its shaped who I am as a person, and all our friends too. I think of them every day, they've now been dead longer than they was alive and that's a hard thing to accept, weirdly.

And another friend died by being run over at 15. Drunk and cycling home in a storm.

Another friend died at 14 from eating a food that contained nuts but wasn't labelled as such.

They all seemed like pointless deaths but my mum dies of cancer in her 60's and that seemed pointless too despite her being older and despite knowing she'd die.

I think death in general is hard to process despite it being the one thing in life that's guaranteed.

We’ve had young tragic deaths in my family. It made it hard for me to understand my fil’s reaction to his 80 year old dad dying because to me that’s sad but a wonderful life lived. He acted like a dc losing their dad young. Obviously I’ve never said anything but dh brought it up that his dad seemed to have an extreme reaction. I don’t mean he shouldn’t have been sad. It does change your perspective though. Dh’s family hasn’t lost anyone young.

i do feel that sometimes your time is up and that’s it. Car crash, brain aneurism, not waking up, bomb, Hospital error. Life can change in a second but best not to overthink it or you’d be in a constant state of panic.

My brother died in a car crash at 14. It shaped my whole life in some good, but a lot more, bad ways. I hate that he never got to meet my husband and our daughters. I could write a huge list of the things I hate and almost 27yrs later still angry about but those are two of the worst.

I'm sorry.

Worked with someone who died from a drug overdose aged 18 (to this day I don't know whether it was accidental from recreational drugs or an intended suicide). It affected me profoundly, I was around 20 at the time and for years afterwards I would visit their grave now and then. Their death affected me much more than my own grandparents deaths. I hardly knew them but it felt like a massive injustice and really impacted me.

My ds aged 17 witnessed his 16 year old friend mown down and killed by a speeding driver a few years ago on their way home from a friends house. For a long time I was fearful of my kids going out at night. It is just awful to think that they went out that evening and one of the group never returned home. I am amazed at how well my son seems to have coped with the trauma of witnessing this, trying to give CPR, having to be a witness in court because the driver would not plead guilty. Sadly deaths of teenagers are all too common, road accidents, stabbings, suicide etc.

Friend died of a stroke age 21, she had pneumonia & some other issue. Still shocks me. I only found out by accident some months later from a mutual friend. We had drifted apart & for some reason I delayed opening her last letter so missed her invite to go visit her. Will always regret that.

I completely relate to this - I've known someone die during childbirth, leaving behind her older children, an 18 y/o die from drugs overdose, a 5 year old die from cancer, a 50 y/o die from a brain tumour leaving behind his teenage children, my best friend's dad die from epilepsy when he was a teenager. I had been to so many "unnatural" and cruel funerals by the age of 18 that I was completely desensitised to my elderly grandmother's death. To me it was part of life and a kind death in comparison to all the others I knew. And nowadays I struggle to understand those so consumed with grief by "old age" deaths.

My cousin died weeks before his 21st of an undiagnosed heart condition. Went for a nap, never woke up.

A girl I worked with prior to uni was killed by a guy known to us. That one hit us all really hard. She was 17.

The suddenness of them is what leads me to think of them both often many many years later.
"Life turns on a dime"

I agree. It is more tragic the younger the person, it simply isn’t the same when you have somebody in their 80s dying. DH’s granddad died randomly of a brain haemorrhage in his early 30s leaving 3 small children. My Nan’s brother died at just 21 of cancer. Plus 3 out of 4 of my grandparents lost siblings as babies or toddlers.

It does.. annoy me a little when people lose their parents when they are in their 50s or 60s (the children that is), and their reaction is more like one of a tragic/shocking/unexpected bereavement. Almost like they felt entitled to have parents that lived forever and feel cheated or hard done by that they didn’t, when actually they’ve been lucky to have them that long. I had one colleague whose dad died when she was in her 40s and he in his 70s, it was some 10 years ago but she still takes every Christmas off work ‘because he died at Christmas and I can’t face coming to work and seeing everyone in a party mood’. Which means others in the team who have kids or simply enjoy Christmas and want the time off can’t have it. Yes it’s a failure of management but her entitlement because of her dad’s passing is pretty huge. When I first started working with her she would talk about him most days, I was under the impression his death was fairly recent only to find out it was some 6 years before. I accept 70s is ‘youngish’ to die, but it all felt quite disproportionate.

I've known two people die, one 6 months older than me at the time, we were 19. He was playing football and went into cardiac arrest. No one could save him. The year after my dhs friend died from meningitis he was 20/21 so really young. It still seems really surreal and it's so sad to think about. Me and dh are both very live in the moment people, we don't save for example, we always end up spending money on going places and doing things because you just literally never know

A wonderful boy I went to school with intervened in a domestic argument on a train. The man stabbed him as he tried to protect the woman and he died there and then.

He was an amazing young man and would have gone on to do so many amazing things. He died a hero.

My aunt (my dad's eldest sister ) died aged 5 in the 1940s. I obviously never met her and neither did my dad but I do think about her occasionally. She would have been almost 80 if she'd lived. My grandparents rarely talked about her.

More recently, a friend died suddenly in middle age. That did affect me. I feel so sad for his family. The repercussions of that death will be felt by so many for so many years.

So many young lives lost, absolutely heartbreaking. A boy from my form class died when I was in 6th form. He didn’t stay on so had left school by this point. He was in a shed with two mates they had sort of made it into a den. They lit candles and the shed caught fire. They all died. It was just awful.

I’m a teacher now and few ex pupils have died. Two that really stand out are road traffic accidents. One was knocked off his moped by another driver. The other was riding a motorbike and collided with a lorry. I think about them often.

Two days before my 6th Birthday a young boy in my class at Primary School dies. He was in a minibus going swimming when a drunk driver ploughed into them. He killed Derek, paralysed the young female driver and left another child with life changing injuries. He walked away with bruises. So sad as I remember what a beautiful and lovely boy with a beautiful soul he was. He was like sunshine wrapped up in a little boy. I remember him and wish his family knew that. He was an only child and his mother was older when she finally managed to have him, albeit for such a short time. I’ll never forget him I promise.

I lost friend in our early 20’s under unexplained circumstances and we’ll never know what happened, she disappeared then weeks later was found in a body of water.

my cousin had epilepsy and his fits manifested as ‘rage’ where he’d smash his house up. His partner couldn’t deal with it and left him taking their child (I do not blame her, she had to keep their toddler safe). He was 31 (i was just 25)and during a fit he hung him self. He was an only child and the wails of my Aunt during his funeral will never leave me, she found her sons body.

So much heartbreak in life.

A school friend died of meningitis when we were 16. I remember taking the call telling me and then having to call other friends all on Christmas Eve.

A very good friend from school died when we were early 30’s. Not so young but that was the one that really shook me up. It was the end of our youth and really affected me.

My best friend died when I was 12, she was just 14, at the dentist. An 'accident', apparently due to insufficient oxygen to revive her. In 1968.

I lost one friend in a car crash age 5 & another friend's brother drowned in the lake at Chatsworth age 18 the day he did his last A level exam. I can remember playing out with my friend & asking why his dad kept on walking up & down the road, he was looking for her brother who was late home, the next night the headlines on the local paper were boy 18 drowns. When his exam results came out he had come top in his school.

When I was 17 my 18 year old sister died from meningitis. First symptom to death were 6 hours apart.
26 years on, I am only beginning to realise that what we went through as a family was not normal. Think of her daily, would she have married? Had kids? Cousins for my kids. Life is not fair, but we try to live it to the full in her memory.