When people die young

[JoonT]

Today it is 30 years since my cousin died. He was only nine and drowned while on holiday. We weren't close (I barely knew him), but I often think about him. The parents live in Australia, and have put some photos I've never seen on social media, which is why I can't get it out of my head. Psychologically, it's something I just can't compute. I have no religious faith, so I don't know why I should be surprised. Life is just random stuff happening – unpredictable and meaningless. Has anyone else out there had this experience? I mean, of knowing someone young who died in a silly, random way? Stupid, random things like drowning, or falling off a cliff, makes life seem so ridiculous and absurd.

Stories about cancer, heart conditions, suicide, etc, are sad and dreadful, but the ones I find hardest to compute are the silly, absurd deaths – people falling down lift shafts, falling in a river drunk, getting their coat trapped in a moving car, choking on a sausage, etc. They make life seem so absurd, somehow.

When I was about 15, there was a group of boys who on their way back from town who thought going in the river was a good idea. They tried to mount the park gate, one of the lads fell as he was going over, banged his head and tragically died. It was so awful, his mom worked at sainsburys with my mom at the time. It was just heartbreakingly sad. So easily could not have happened at all.

I know what you mean about sudden stupid deaths.
I was on a bus once on the way to work and a man ran across the road I think to try and get the bus. He was knocked over by a car. We had to wait on the bus as all the traffic stopped and an ambulance came and took him away dead.
I still think of him sometimes over 25 years later. On his way to work as usual, maybe saying goodbye to a wife and kids, and because of not paying attention to other traffic it was all over for him. It must have been devastating for his loved ones left behind.

I also knew a teenage lad knocked down by a milk float. He seemed fine, slight headache, and then a few hours later collapsed and died. But it seemed tragically absurd. Who gets knocked down by a milk float in the first place? But then to die from it?

@JoonT I hope I am reading your 'tone' wrong but on a thread where people have written some heartbreaking stories of losing loved ones you seem quick to dismiss those that don't fall into the category you want to hear about.

What you call silly and absurd deaths are someone's tragedy. Why would some one who's death was caused by drowning or choking be any more 'absurd' or illogical than a child getting cancer out of the blue, or mental health problems leading to suicide? They are all wrong on many different levels. They are all tragedies that make us all question what is it all about.

It seems like you are asking for 'funny' death stories?

I am so sorry to hear this, I have also had a sister who died young, I miss her everyday

sending you lots of love ❤️

A friend I used to play with as kids went for a beach holiday with his family. He and his brother were digging great big holes in the sand. His hole collapsed and they couldn’t find him in time. I think he was about seven.
A friend of mine went on holidays with her boyfriend of several years to Bali. He proposed while they were there. They giddily rang family and friends to tell everyone. They returned home late at night, exhausted and happy. Went straight to bed. When she woke up the next morning, he was cold. He’d died of adult SIDS aged 28.
The last one was when working as a flight attendant, when turning the lights on to prepare for landing a woman screamed that her baby wasn’t breathing. I don’t know if she had accidentally smothered him/her in her sleep or if something had happened to the baby’s brain or heart, but I had to get the pilots to call ahead for paramedics and do CPR until we landed (about 40mins) and the poor little thing was cold and grey and non-responsive. I would say about six weeks old. I went into shock straight after that flight.

Oh gosh these are all so, so sad. The baby on the flight- being unable to really do anything til landing, I can’t even imagine.
A girl from my class at secondary school, she had a wonderful outdoorsy horsey life and then developed melanoma in her first year of uni and passed away. Another friend, tragically died by suicide in his early 20s. More recently a girl from my office was involved in a freak accident, got caught between two buses and died, just on her regular morning commute. Each one such a tragedy.

Sorry for all of you who have suffered loss. You never know what is around the corner. Stop fretting the unnecessary stuff. Life is for living.

It annoys you when people lose a parent in their 50's or 60's and act shocked. This has to be the most breathtakingly awful thing I have seen on here and I have been on here for 20 years. Disgusting 😡😡

What gives you rights to decide what's appropriate grief @Cuppsoupmonster ? I can only assume you've had some numerous terrible young deaths happen around you to think people should react less to a parent passing, and I'm sorry for that, but it doesn't make you expert on other people's grief.

Have you ever wondered WHY his death is so disabling even a decade later on, or just say there marveling at how much better you are at grieving?

@SleepingStandingUp not really, we’re all adults and I don’t necessarily think ‘all feelings are equal’. Anyway your point is moot as I have no such power, I can however share my opinion on here, same as everyone else is doing 🤷🏼‍♀️

By the way I didn’t call any death absurd so I think you’re confusing my post with someone else’s (or the person you’re quoting did).

I think what the OP meant was deaths that seem to happen in such a random and bizarre way, rather than making light of the deaths themselves.

@Cuppsoupmonster I certainly didn't call any one's death absurd - I was calling out the original op on their use of the word.

I think @SleepingStandingUp misquoted me.

@minmooch in fairness the OP said some deaths can make LIFE seem absurb rather than asking for absurb deaths

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My boyfriend died fighting in Afghanistan. 13 years ago. I'm not the same person I was and have never loved like that again. It was a terrifyingly dark time in my life, he was 27.

I used to be a secondary school teacher. The ones who died whilst still at school haunt me even now.

The most delightful sunny natured boy who was the most intelligent child the school had ever had. Accepted at Oxford, died the day before his A* A level results came through.

The one’s with genetic diseases who died at 13 or 14. Car accidents, cystic fibrosis, one in a bomb explosion, one in an avalanche. It was so weird teaching the class with the child who was previously their now missing.

Previously there, now missing!

I don’t think it devalues the grief felt when an older person dies to acknowledge that the death of a young person causes more shock and trauma to those that know them. It just does. It’s different.

Never forget reading an article after the Madrid train bombings. The doctors found telling people their parents had died hard but telling someone their child had gone was far far worse.

I knew a guy at University, who was the Crown Prince of an African country. He was a very pleasant, unassuming sort of person, people only found out his status from other people, he never made a big deal of it.

He didn’t return after the the summer vacation one year. There had been a revolution in his country, and his whole family were shot. Whatever the politics, he didn’t deserve to die like that.

itsgettingweird Thank you.

I posted yesterday about my brother dying at 14. I’ve been thinking about writing this post since, I was unsure tbh.

I was 15 when my brother died. My plan had always been to go to university, but I didn’t even get to sit my GCSE’s.

My mum who was bipolar (was called manic depression then) had been suicidal since I was born and had attempted suicide many times before his death, completely fell apart, she attempted suicide many, many more times after his death. At 15 and 16 years old I did CPR more than once on my mum. I said goodbye to her several times in ICU but somehow she is still alive today. Seemingly with no ill effects of the suicide attempts. She hasn’t attempted suicide in over 20yrs now, doesn’t stop me from panicking every time she feels down. Or talks about my brother. She used to disappear for weeks on end, just go off and get pissed, returning as and when she felt like it. Today she is a functioning alcoholic, although she will deny that until she’s blue in the face. My dad was consumed by his own grief - they had divorced when I was 9 - threw himself into his work and who knows what else. I was completely let down by the system, left to my own devices.

At 16 I got engaged, got a job and got on with my life or so I thought. By 22 I was single and ready to party! I spent several years out every weekend drinking. At 27 I had a breakdown. Had lots of therapy and antidepressants and got well. Carried on drinking every weekend but was never quite right. At 29 I met my amazing husband.

At 30 I had our first DD had horrific PND got better at 32 had DD2 no PND and all okay so I thought. I then had a hysterectomy and had complications and to cut a long story short am now disabled. I have severe depression - I always swore I’d never put my children through what my mum put me through but I have attempted suicide twice, if it wasn’t for my husband finding me I would be dead. I have GAD along side the depression, I’m lucky my husband ‘gets’ it tbh I’d have left me years ago.

Now, obviously some of these things would have happened even if my brother was alive, absolutely no doubt about it but equally his death put my whole life on a different path. And honestly, at times I’ve hated him for ‘leaving’ me to deal with everything on my own - I am now an only child.

Thank you if you’ve got to the end, I know it’s an essay, it is also the short version of the past 27yrs. His anniversary is in 2wks, and I appreciate I’ve just dumped a lot of stuff on this thread but it’s actually helped me.

A boy I had a crush on at school went on a lads holiday after A levels and died falling off a balcony aged 18.

My best friend's brother committed suicide aged 36. He had taken our wedding pictures a couple of years before.