When people die young

[JoonT]

Today it is 30 years since my cousin died. He was only nine and drowned while on holiday. We weren't close (I barely knew him), but I often think about him. The parents live in Australia, and have put some photos I've never seen on social media, which is why I can't get it out of my head. Psychologically, it's something I just can't compute. I have no religious faith, so I don't know why I should be surprised. Life is just random stuff happening – unpredictable and meaningless. Has anyone else out there had this experience? I mean, of knowing someone young who died in a silly, random way? Stupid, random things like drowning, or falling off a cliff, makes life seem so ridiculous and absurd.

I'm so sorry, how horrible to find out in a newspaper.

My brother lost several friends in a car accident like that when they were 19. And a friend's daughter recently lost her 3 best friends in a similar accident (she was poorly or would have been in the car too)

WTF...yes the death of anyone young is tragic of course.

But some posters seem to be saying it's not that big deal losing your parents when you're in your 50s or whatever...they can fuck right off. You have no fucking idea.
Grief isn't a competition, you can't measure up someone else's grief and deem some kinds not that bad, and really you should be over it after 5 years. What???

We only have 2 parents. Losing either of them is a big deal.

I never thought I'd read something like that on here. Where's the empathy, seriously?

When I was young I used to play with a boy who was about 2 years older than me. We went to different schools so didn't see each other again, but I later found out that he'd died in a crash in his 20s, along with several other people. He was the driver and it was all over the news, with everyone speculating that it must have been his fault. It later came out that it wasn't his fault at all, but his family had to put up with seeing that plastered all over the papers for weeks, as well as all the gossip. I can't even imagine how awful that must have been.

I recently googled and found out someone who'd always been in my thoughts had died young just pre-internet. I still can't really have clear thoughts about that lovely person going so young I do hope they are at peace with their sibling

My boyfriend died from suicide at 16, a school friend died getting hit by a car at 14 and another friend died of an asthma attack at 17 a colleague got murdered at 19. A neighbours kid died falling out the bedroom window at 2

I used to see a boy twice a day due to a sport we both did when we were kids, he quit when he was about 15. I didn't see him again until we were both about 19, we were in a nightclub and just jumped into each other. We hugged and chatted for a while, it was really lovely. He was killed in a car accident 2 weeks later. I think of him often.

My sister was killed in a car crash aged 18. She never got to see her a level results which seemed so unfair when she had worked so hard. It's 40 years ago now but I still miss her.

For the PP who mentioned older people grieving for parents who died at a good age should think themselves lucky they had them so long. I'm 58 and my dad died last week. I appreciate I've been lucky not to have lost a parent until now but I still have the right to grieve and no one has the right to judge whether my grief is disproportionate.

A school friend died (at school) from a stroke when she was ten. It was awful. But even worse was a friend who died (a few months after diagnosis) in her early 40s from MND. Leaving a four year old. Senseless.

My two siblings died in a car accident aged 3 and 7yrs. That was over 40 yrs ago and it never leaves me.

My friend Scott died of a brain haemorrhage when we were 15.

One minute there, then gone.

I still think of his family, 30 years later. 💐

A lad in my class spun his car into a tree the day he passed his test, he'd had his licence 3 hours. Later it came out he was doing in excess of 50mph on a 30mph road and it was raining. Thankfully no one else was hurt but it obviously devastated his family

When I was 17, there were 5 people who all died in a car crash. Richard the driver was over the limit. He dated my friend who want in the car. He was a lovely guy who I am sure didn’t mean this to happen. 2 of the dead we’re exchange students. Car was found in a ditch 6 hours after they left the party. Had a profound impact on me and I will not touch any alcohol and get behind the wheel.
I had a little girl age 3 die of leukemia when I was about 4. We played together and then se just wasn’t there.
A really great guy I worked with committed suicide in his mid twenties. he was a twin and when I see her updates it makes me reflect.
At school a classmate had her boyfriend die due to a motorcycle accident. She found out she was pregnant a few weeks later and had his baby at 14.
we had friends who had a baby only survive a week
another suicide in early 30’s a few weeks ago
Hold your loved ones close people and cherish the time you have with them

When I was in middle school back in the 80's a kid I knew in the year above who was only 11, was killed while riding on top of a lift in a block of flats. He fell down the shaft and the lift came down on top of him. It was all over the local news the next morning but I didn't realise it was him until I went to school and everyone was talking about it. The headteacher had to talk to us about it in assembly. So many children crying. It was such a disturbing, dark time. I still always think about it when I see that tower block. Also when I'm in the street where he lived visiting my aunt I wonder about his parents.
Not long after that, there were 2 little toddlers that used to come to our house as our parents were friends. They were sweet little things. They were tragically killed in a house fire. The parents were asleep in bed one morning and the toddlers woke up and wondered down stairs. The elder of the 2 children put something inside one of the slats on the back of the TV (back when they were the old box type) and it set alight. The 2 parents managed to escape but the children didn't 😢

My friend lost her primary school aged son when he was hit by a car. It's been over 10 years but she often posts on social media about her loss. I also think about it from time to time.

electrocution 17 😰

I’m so sorry for the loss of your son and brother. I lost my daughter, but don’t have words of comfort for others. Grief is a lonely road to traverse. Wishing you and your family well.

A friends sister, from suicide aged 20. And a friend of a friend from cancer aged 30 - very quick decline, his wife had had their first child just a month before. Hideous.

As a note of hope though I will say DH was born with a heart defect that a very clever trainee doctor managed to spot when he was just a few days old (consultant hadn’t identified it, said it was fine). DH had heart surgery aged 2 and has been well ever since. Apparently, if it hadn’t been for that trainee back in 1986 then DH would have most likely just dropped down dead at some stage in his childhood. And my two amazing DC wouldn’t exist. So I do like to think sometimes of the lives not lost, the DC who might have choked but didn’t, who almost fell in the lake but didn’t etc - there are lots of people walking around out there who might have been early deaths but weren’t, and they may not even know it. It’s a glimmer of hope in an otherwise horrible place.

(Sorry, of course I know that doesn’t answer ‘why’ and on reading back could be considered insensitive - I’m so sorry if it is, I really didn’t intend it that way, I just wanted to try and bring some hope. I’m sorry for those who have lost someone x)

A beautiful angel (she really was, the quintessential perfect child, blond, mind mannered, kind, happy) in my class died suddenly with a brain hemorrhage aged 8. Everyone was so shocked, the school planted a tree for her which is still there. A school friend who still lives nearby visits the tree from time to time over 30 years later.

Another young man I knew aged about 22, was engaged to be married to a work colleague of mine and they'd pit a deposit down on a house together. He got drunk, fell asleep on his back, choked on his vomit and died in the night. She woke up next to her dead fiance. Horrific.

My brother died of cot death when I was 4 - it's one of my first memories, my mother's raw grief. I gave my eldest boy his name as a middle name and then spent three years worrying that I'd cursed him (What a numpty)

Just after I had my first boy, whilst on maternity leave from the ATC there was a dreadful coach crash on the A1 as the cadets were coming back from camp. W, my shooting NCO was killed - he was only 18. It was horrific for all involved, three lost their lives and at least two were left with life changing injuries.

It was exactly a month after the birth of my first that he was buried. Of course I went to the funeral but it profoundly affected me. I felt deep empathy for his mother. I left the ATC after that. I just couldn't square up the senselessness of it all and I had changed.

I have lost many young people in my life, it's very hard, you feel so sad for them , all that they've missed out on, and it's hard for the ones left behind, you never forget them.
This is why l don't have any empathy for the endless posts on here from vain 30 yr olds worried about gaining a wrinkle, it's so meaningless.

I knew a couple of boys at school who died young. One while we were at school and one shortly after we left. I don't often think about them, but when I do I am struck by how many experiences they have been deprived of - the independence, the relationships, the joy of having children. Then I think about their poor parents and how much they must miss not just their own child, but also the grandchildren who will never have the opportunity to exist. Clearly that's just they way things always have been - chance, But for their nearest and dearest the pain must never really go away.

@Surplus2requirements
I too lost my daughter nearly 4 years ago to suicide. She was 15 and had been prescribed a drug with (unknown to me) links to suicide. To make matters worse she did not even qualify for the prescription of this drug but was given it anyway. But for that drug I know I would still have my beautiful girl.

I totally understand every word you wrote about feeling like you are watching life through a pain of glass and also about how it tiring it is to pretend to be ok when actually you feel dead inside. I’m not suicidal but I do wish I could fast forward life sometimes.

I also understand how you can still love and care for your partner but are isolated from each other by the unbearable grief you both feel.

You are not alone on this awful, awful path we must walk. (Hugs)

Such sad stories here. I’m so sorry for all of your losses.

My cousin died from a rare form of cancer when we were both 8 yrs old. She was my closest/favourite cousin. I knew she was ill, but it was still utterly shocking. I’m 45 now and I still think of her and imagine the life she might have had.

I also lost my best friend in 2021. Again, a rare and aggressive form of cancer. He was 50, so not ‘young’, but he had a young family, 3 children under 10. Had always been such a strong, healthy, vibrant man. I still haven’t processed that he is gone.

Life is so precious and fragile, always tragic when a young life is lost and I think it profoundly affects you.
A 15 year old boy was killed on a level crossing when I was at school, I can remember everyone bring shocked and crying, until then death was something that happened to people of my grandparents generation.
A friend of DDs and his sister was killed in a house fire aged 8 and 3, that really shook me.
And the one that hit me hardest was DDs 19 year old boyfriend who died of a drugs overdose,one day he was sitting at my kitchen table eating lasagne the next he was dead. Young death in particularly is absolutely heartbreaking and as a mum you can't imagine any pain worse than losing your child.