Page 8 | People who grew up in dirty/messy homes…

openingbat · 22/02/2023 10:52

BarnacleNora · 17/02/2023 22:05

Oh god I'm the one with a messy house. I hate it. I hate it so so much and think constantly about how much I don't want it for my children. I'm waiting for an adhd diagnosis (year on the waiting list so far, god knows how long to go, could be another year), crippling mental health issues that mean I can't even manage to work at the moment (having worked all my life) and a horrible house that is just.....full of stuff that needs putting away. Reorganising. Sorting out what needs to go to charity shops or recycled or in a better system. My children both are neurodivergent as well so they also add to the messiness but I'm hardly setting the best example. I dread every day a surprise visitor.

I genuinely wish I could go on one of those sorting out programmes like that Stacy Solomon one. There's just so much stuff to sort and redo and I have no idea where to start.

I pray that I will finally get a diagnosis and medication and that will help. Because nothing else over the years or anti depressants since the age of 20 have done the trick. I desperately want to change but don't know how or can't and then I feel like a piece of shit for not being able to do so for my kids.

They're very happy and seem like well adjusted little souls, but something needs to change. This thread is really pushing me once again to do.....something. GP next week.

There is a lady who advertises on our local next door page who helps people get their house in order, she's also a cleaner. Maybe you could see if there's anyone local to you if you can afford to pay someone.

BarnacleNora · 22/02/2023 19:05

@openingbat I have actually looked into declutterers, there are a couple near me who even specialise in adhd. Unfortunately it's the cost that stops me, I just can't afford it.

I'd bloody love a skip but there's nowhere outside to put one (my neighbours have started a car business on our road so there's no space which is a whole other thread!)

What I really need is to almost start from scratch, get everything out, put things back within systems that work for me rather than what works for other people. I have a huge kallax unit for example which for most people would be great. For me however it's no good because once things are away in boxes or cupboards they no longer exist and I forget about them.

There is a plan to move across the country within the next couple of years, I'm hoping that with a completely fresh start (and choosing a house that suits me rather than having a house allocated to me like this one was) I can put all these systems in place. Obviously I need to get this house tidy before then but that would be the ultimate goal.

Gp on Friday, I'm going to lay it all out for them and hope they can do something for me other than another CBT course 🤞

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/02/2023 19:29

BarnacleNora · 22/02/2023 19:05

@openingbat I have actually looked into declutterers, there are a couple near me who even specialise in adhd. Unfortunately it's the cost that stops me, I just can't afford it.

I'd bloody love a skip but there's nowhere outside to put one (my neighbours have started a car business on our road so there's no space which is a whole other thread!)

What I really need is to almost start from scratch, get everything out, put things back within systems that work for me rather than what works for other people. I have a huge kallax unit for example which for most people would be great. For me however it's no good because once things are away in boxes or cupboards they no longer exist and I forget about them.

There is a plan to move across the country within the next couple of years, I'm hoping that with a completely fresh start (and choosing a house that suits me rather than having a house allocated to me like this one was) I can put all these systems in place. Obviously I need to get this house tidy before then but that would be the ultimate goal.

Gp on Friday, I'm going to lay it all out for them and hope they can do something for me other than another CBT course 🤞

One of the absolute joys of moving is that you can give yourself permission to say 'Do I really want to have to wrap and pack this, then pay for somebody to heft this across town/the country and then unpack, unwrap and find a place for it?' and bin whatever doesn't make the cut.

It definitely appeals to ADHD in that there is an absolute time limit, a clear purpose and once you have that framing for your mind, it comes down to Yes/No/Yes/No/Uhhh, I'll give that five minutes/Yes/No rather than a considered decision for every single little thing.

Snard4 · 22/02/2023 22:14

I would absolutely love to move house, for a fresh start! In fact, I’ve suggested to my partner that we just pack up as if we are going to move, and pack the things we want to keep!

Firebird83 · 22/02/2023 23:10

I’m the opposite. Grew up in an immaculate, showhome with parents who were obsessed with cleaning. Now live in a messy, cluttered house!

hbbyno2 · 22/02/2023 23:13

Melbourne12 · 16/02/2023 20:27

What do you live like now?

I grew up in a cluttered, messy house. To paint a picture, it was one of those houses that was needing renovated for a million years.

Half painted walls (as if someone could only reach up so far and couldn’t be arsed to get a ladder), sunken sofas, a shower with a plastic bag sellotaped along the edge because it leaked into the room downstairs, broken drawers.

I had one school uniform and it got washed once a week, dishes were permanently in the sink. The kitchen table wasn’t functional as a table because it had a pile of shit on top of it, plus more shit under it.

Now that I’m an adult, I have my own home and it’s virtually immaculate at all times. Just small things like making the beds, hoovering and cleaning daily, not letting the washing build up, ironing the clothes, ensuring the place smells nice.

I hated the way I lived as a child and can vividly remember promising myself that I would never have my children in an environment like that. Needless to say, I’ve stuck to my work. I don’t want my child to be too embarrassed to have their friends round when they’re older.

I guess I went the opposite way from how I’d grown up, but I wonder if this is common?

I'm the same as you

BarnacleNora · 23/02/2023 01:59

@NeverDropYourMooncup yes, exactly that process! A thorough sort out and boxing up of everything to a deadline! I honestly can't wait for it to happen, but I do need to sort out at least an interim level of order in the meantime. But god that move is going to be wonderful

15feb · 23/02/2023 02:56

aibutohavethisusername · 16/02/2023 20:52

Same here, childhood home was spotless. My flat is messy and cluttered.

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Same here! My mum grew up in a messy home and was obsessed with making everything spotless plus would always moan about the smallest speck, I hated it and am quite messy now as rebellion :)

That said I think it's definitely inbuilt personality. Different siblings come out of the same extreme household with very different tendencies. I've always been clutter blind since I was young but my sibling gets overwhelmed / agitated / annoyed by mess (but both of us hated my mother's miserable cleaning/tidying obsession)

LadyJ2023 · 23/02/2023 03:21

Grew up in a lovely clean home, my mam kept everything clean but wasn't mental about it either and so 4 kids and I'm the same clean and tidy but hey if we have an off day who cares 😊 I do love my washer,drier and dishwasher and cordless hoover makes everything easier for me

Theoldwoman · 23/02/2023 03:32

I grew up in a clean but very cluttered home. My Dad, especially, loved to keep everything. It used to drive my Mum mad, but in later years she just put up with it ( and it got worse as they aged)

Im now a minimalist with OCD tendencies. I started cleaning my room to a high standard from about 8 years old.

I hate clutter and a dirty house.

SkyHippoOnACloud · 23/02/2023 04:49

foulksmills · 17/02/2023 00:56

Can I just please ask, not to derail the thread but for those of you who are determined to have a clean and tidy house, how much does your DP/DH/DW pitch in? Anyone (else) out there who doesn't feel relaxed in a messy house but their OH leaves messes everywhere? Do you tidy up after them too?

I'm honestly sick of cleaning the house and leaving a gleaming, spotless room behind me only to be confronted by smelly, untidy mess the very next time I re-enter the room.

It was a factor in me leaving my ex. It's not just untidiness and dirt, it's what's underneath it. It's selfishness, disrespectful, a desire to keep you in the home cleaning not doing whatever you want to be doing. If he loved me he'd have done something about whatever it was that made him live in filth. He was happy with himself and the state of the home though and couldn't have cared less how I felt, so had zero desire to change. I absolutely loved living alone in a small flat. My top criteria for the next man was kindness first and foremost, followed by tidiness and cleanliness, someone who didn't snore or smoke.

OP my home was clean enough although I was neglected in other ways and it's had a lasting impact on me into adulthood, which I've never been able to fix. My mother hoarded though, albeit organised hoarding. Every cupboard, drawer, wardrobe and shelf was crammed full with both genuine items and tat all mixed in together. As an adult I'm a mix of buying all the things because I never had enough of anything as a child and not being able to stand the mess that overconsumption creates. Nothing in my home is rubbish though, that's all in the bin as soon as it's created. I'm currently decluttering but it's hard. I had regular clear outs of my room as a child, rebelling against mother's ways, but always struggled then too. I want to go minimalist eventually when my mind is in the right place.

tillytoodles1 · 25/04/2023 21:52

Our house when I was growing up was filthy. We had headlice and scabies.plus our beds were full of fleas. We never had a bath because it cost too much to heat the water, so only our parents bathed., and spent all their money on themselves. We were smelly and wore filthy clothes.

My husband grew up in a lovely clean home and I was ashamed of how I grew up.

When we got married our house was
immaculate.

Theoldwoman · 27/04/2023 23:32

Tilly, I’m sorry you grew up in those conditions. Just the thought of flees in the bed fills me with horror not to mention the other stuff.

Stayingstrongish · 28/04/2023 10:05

It's truly heartbreaking that some parents do this to their children. Sometimes it sounds like the parents can't cope themselves or aren't aware of how bad things are, but other times it sounds like they just don't care.

Snard4 · 29/04/2023 12:44

i have children in my class who absolutely stink, to the point where we have to open windows. We surreptitiously wash their coats sometimes (“oops, sorry, got some paint on his coat so washed it for you!”) but it’s true neglect. They turn up in the same pants for a whole week (special school, some need help with personal care which is how we know this). The parents are somewhat smelly but one in particular comes in wearing a full face of make up and has neat hair etc.

My own kids deserve their home to be better than it is, which kills me, but they are clean and well cared for.

Wenfy · 14/06/2023 23:35

Melbourne12 · 16/02/2023 20:27

What do you live like now?

I grew up in a cluttered, messy house. To paint a picture, it was one of those houses that was needing renovated for a million years.

Half painted walls (as if someone could only reach up so far and couldn’t be arsed to get a ladder), sunken sofas, a shower with a plastic bag sellotaped along the edge because it leaked into the room downstairs, broken drawers.

I had one school uniform and it got washed once a week, dishes were permanently in the sink. The kitchen table wasn’t functional as a table because it had a pile of shit on top of it, plus more shit under it.

Now that I’m an adult, I have my own home and it’s virtually immaculate at all times. Just small things like making the beds, hoovering and cleaning daily, not letting the washing build up, ironing the clothes, ensuring the place smells nice.

I hated the way I lived as a child and can vividly remember promising myself that I would never have my children in an environment like that. Needless to say, I’ve stuck to my work. I don’t want my child to be too embarrassed to have their friends round when they’re older.

I guess I went the opposite way from how I’d grown up, but I wonder if this is common?

It’s really common I think. I grew up with hoarders. There were rats, there was mould everywhere, and nothing was ever clean. My house is immaculate and minimalistic. Siblings also keep things extremely clean to the point where my brother has OCD about it.

TidyHomeTidyMind · 15/06/2023 08:11

My parents weren't hoarders but we grew up in the countryside....the animals came first! My school coat regularly had animal faeces on it as I wasn't allowed to hang it up away from my parents outdoor clothing.
I had very few clothes and my school uniform was disgusting, my white shirts had black tidemarks on the collar and no effort was made to wash them properly.
I am the exact opposite with my kids, they shower daily without fail and clothes are spotless. I would hate for them to grow up like I did.

Ambi · 15/06/2023 08:17

CheeseDreamsTonight · 16/02/2023 20:35

I'm the other way round. My mum spent so much time cleaning and malign everything perfect as she attached her identity to it, I am much more relaxed, although not dirty or filthy. I'm not willing to spend too much time cleaning as it took my mum away from me.

Same here, my DM used to deep clean the house from top to bottom every Monday.

I keep the house clean and tidy but I'm not scrubbing every inch, every week.