People who grew up in dirty/messy homes…

[Melbourne12]

What do you live like now?

I grew up in a cluttered, messy house. To paint a picture, it was one of those houses that was needing renovated for a million years.

Half painted walls (as if someone could only reach up so far and couldn’t be arsed to get a ladder), sunken sofas, a shower with a plastic bag sellotaped along the edge because it leaked into the room downstairs, broken drawers.

I had one school uniform and it got washed once a week, dishes were permanently in the sink. The kitchen table wasn’t functional as a table because it had a pile of shit on top of it, plus more shit under it.

Now that I’m an adult, I have my own home and it’s virtually immaculate at all times. Just small things like making the beds, hoovering and cleaning daily, not letting the washing build up, ironing the clothes, ensuring the place smells nice.

I hated the way I lived as a child and can vividly remember promising myself that I would never have my children in an environment like that. Needless to say, I’ve stuck to my work. I don’t want my child to be too embarrassed to have their friends round when they’re older.

I guess I went the opposite way from how I’d grown up, but I wonder if this is common?

This was me growing up OP. I was bullied by the state of my home and felt very embarrassed having friends over. My parents never had much money and my Father use to be in the pub every night after work. (Reason for not much money) As I got older, I tried my best and helped with decorating, etc, house keeping. I moved out when I was 21 and bought myself a 1 bedroom flat. It was small but mine and I was so proud of my home.

I met my DH over 22 years ago, bought our family home. I am very tidy and drive my DH mad as if he puts something down I will put it away. I am proud my DC's love bringing their friends home. It use to affect me before I had children and everything had to be prefect. It was exhausting but since having my family my home is messy with toys, etc but it is clean and homely.

I'm the other way around, grew up in an immaculate house but my mother never played with us as kids and most the time we were outside playing by ourselves or upstairs playing alone, toys were never left out and I never remember painting or anything at home. My house isn't dirty, but it can be messy at times and happy to leave the dishes until the morning etc, it looks lived in and you can tell we have kids as toys are out and paintings stuck on the fridge. My children always come before cleaning x

I grew up in an imacculate home, my dm was a cleaning fanatic. One of her proudest moments was somebody visiting and telling her they couldn't believe there were six children living there as there were no signs of us. The only memories I have of dm is of her cleaning she died when I was seventeen
My house is always clean and tidy but I'm not a slave to the cleaning. It would not pass dm's standards because I don't empty cupboards weekly or do a multitude of other tasks weekly that most people do a couple of times a year.
All six of us are prone to overcleaning (I clean a lot if I'm stressed) and I'd say two or possibly three are extreme in their cleaning like dm was. None of us would be happy in an untidy or grubby house.

@9thFloorNightmare ooh what is the name of the American guy’s you tube channel, I enjoy watching that kind of stuff? Thanks!

this

@9thFloorNightmare thanks :)

I grew up in a very messy house. Wallpaper coming off the walls, piles of junk and dust everywhere etc. My mum doesn't "believe" in cleaning products and says water (or occasionally vinegar) work just as well. Toilet was only cleaned if visibly stained etc.

As a young adult I was also very untidy/unclean. Not personal hygiene but the house. I think I was never taught how to do cleaning or decluttering and it was my normal.

I am a lot better now. My house is definitely clean, but find it hard to keep the clutter away. I'm improving at everything having a place, and putting things away when I see them rather than leaving it for later. I clean as I go and the kitchen sides are usually pretty clear - unlike my parents house where you actively have to move random things to make space to cook. I'm getting better but still a ways to go.

Our house was a total mess, the only tidyish room was the kitchen. The dishes were washed and put away every mealtime.

My house is a home, it's scrupulously clean, but not pristinely tidy. There is little left out, but I don't worry if things are left for a couple of days.

To PPs who say they'd rather spend time with their DC, I managed to bring up four children who in a clean house, and they all had their time with me. DH and I were talking about this the other day, and wondered how we managed, we never sat down till after nine each night by the time we got the DC to bed, then did the dishes and sorted stuff out. The first thing we did when we moved into a house big enough was buy a dishwasher!😂

I can relate to a lot of the posts on here. My mother was depressed and had alcohol issues (though she wasn't a full-blown alcoholic). The house was always dirty and smelly. And we lived on a council estate in a shitty Essex town. I hated every inch of that place. Walking home from school was often downright dangerous, and several times I had guys yell obscene things at me out of vans or cars. I also narrowly avoided being beaten up and assaulted on a few occasions. It was noisy as well, with cretinous little boy racers racing round in cars with screeching, souped up engines.

I'd come home and my mother would be sitting there with the curtains closed smoking and talking to her sister or a neighbour. Nobody I knew ever read anything, or showed any interest in anything at all – nature, theatre, film, art...nothing. It was a world of reality TV, The Sun newspaper, violence and boredom. That's something else I remember – a sense of depression and boredom. Most people couldn't wait to leave school, and they couldn't understand why I wanted to do A-levels.

Today, I have gone fanatically in the other direction. My house is spotless. And it's filled with paintings, and with shelves containing Jane Austen, Dickens, Thomas Hardy, Virginia Woolf, etc. Almost everything I do is a rebellion against the ugliness, boredom, ignorance and dirt of my childhood. I'm an obsessive autodidact, and have always got a new reading project on the go (right now, I'm trying to read all of George Eliot's novels, for example). I go to art exhibitions, belong to the National Trust and English Heritage, support local bookshops and museums, and will drive five miles out of my way to avoid passing through the ghastly estate where I grew up. I'd happily drop a bomb on the place (same goes for my dump of a comprehensive).

I grew up in squalor and clutter, I hated it.

It took a while to work out how to manage a family home, several times I had to order a skip to declutter.
But I think we now have a clean and not too cluttered, comfortable home.

It is horrible growing up in a house that you can't invite people to. My dc invite lots of friends over which makes me feel good.

I also over buy food. Was helpful during COVID.
My family laugh a bit about my nuclear bunker supplies.
I'm nearly 50 but I don't think your childhood ever leaves you.

Same, my house was very cluttered and messy and often dirty especially floors and corners. My house now is immaculate most of the time but we're lucky enough to afford a cleaner so as long as I throw all the toys into a basket the night before it's mostly down to her and I don't miss time with DD

I’ve reread this thread several times. I’m in my 40s and I’ve never met anyone who lived in a house like mine (or would admit to it). My mother is/was a mentally ill hoarder who lives in filth… what clothes we had were washed in the bath once a week, we were covered in fleas from the dog, no heating, etc (poverty admittedly played a big part in it, not not all of it).

I’ve always felt so ashamed of my childhood home and where I come from. It was a long time ago but there’s always a sense of shame and dirt and of never fully being clean or good. Reading that so many other people have experienced similar is depressing but also has made me realise that I’m not alone in experiencing what my sister and I experienced.

Thank you for sharing.

I commented earlier but just to elaborate when I say squalor I'm talking dirty clothes (I'd sometimes have to wear my school uniform at weekends) no bedding/curtains. Bugs crawling out of the sofa. I also remember there was always lines of cigarette butts along every available surface. Obviously some sort of mental illness but to be honest not something I have any sympathy for. It ruined me as a child and I've spent years in therapy. EMDR had only recently made me realise I've spent over 30 years carrying external shame. I pray my children never feel any of the disgust and shame I was forced to carry. It has definitely created some OCD in me when it comes to cleaning but like I mentioned with therapy I have it under control but I can't ever imagine being able to just leave the washing up over night.

I've spent over 30 years carrying external shame.

That's the big problem I see on these threads. People unable to shake off the shame many long years later.

My mum was obsessive with cleaning and tidyness when I was growing up, and it really got me down and now I am the opposite. I’m far more relaxed with my house. My mum hates it

Oh god I'm the one with a messy house. I hate it. I hate it so so much and think constantly about how much I don't want it for my children. I'm waiting for an adhd diagnosis (year on the waiting list so far, god knows how long to go, could be another year), crippling mental health issues that mean I can't even manage to work at the moment (having worked all my life) and a horrible house that is just.....full of stuff that needs putting away. Reorganising. Sorting out what needs to go to charity shops or recycled or in a better system. My children both are neurodivergent as well so they also add to the messiness but I'm hardly setting the best example. I dread every day a surprise visitor.

I genuinely wish I could go on one of those sorting out programmes like that Stacy Solomon one. There's just so much stuff to sort and redo and I have no idea where to start.

I pray that I will finally get a diagnosis and medication and that will help. Because nothing else over the years or anti depressants since the age of 20 have done the trick. I desperately want to change but don't know how or can't and then I feel like a piece of shit for not being able to do so for my kids.

They're very happy and seem like well adjusted little souls, but something needs to change. This thread is really pushing me once again to do.....something. GP next week.

@mahrezzy I'm so sorry. I had a really lovely friend like this, my mum came to pick me up once and refused to let me go there again after school for tea. She always had to come to ours, it was pure squalor, broken windows, birds actually in the house etc. I didn't understand it at the time but unfortunately I too would probably have reacted the same as an adult and totally realise that now. It is so unfair on the children ,who get judged through a situation totally beyond their control.

Another one here growing up in an immaculate home where nothing was out of place and like a show home. I'm the opposite and have clutter and mess, dishes in sink over night etc. My parents tell me off but when I was a child I much preferred going to friends houses that had messy cluttered bedrooms and was too embarrassed for them to see mine

One thing I hated growing up was the lack of attention spent on the dog’s hygiene. My parents did not regularly bathe him so the house smelt strongly of dog. The dog was white. I never touched the dog in my black school uniform, but my parents would wash my uniform with the household laundry so my uniform would end up covered in dog hair regardless as it would transfer from their clothes. Dog hair used to be everywhere. Felt really embarrassed at school.

fast forward to now, I like dogs but I’m scared to own one as I don’t want to relive the mess.

My mother was chaotic (possibly bipolar, I now realise) and our home ranged from neat as a pin to positively grubby, depending on her mood. As the tidy house corresponded with happy mother, I now find mess and clutter quite anxiety provoking and my house is the tidiest house I know.

I’ve spent some time today attempting to declutter. I am determined to sort the house out so that we can all have friends over without embarrassment.

Grew up in a dirty, shabby, tatty home. No stair carpet. Bathroom sink coming away from the wall. No lino on grotty floorboards in tiny kitchen. Never hoovered. Kitchen hob covered in food or grease. No garage as it was a wooden one and disintegrated slowly.

So I'm quite clean now but not excessively. I hoover and mop 2-3 times per week. Kitchen and bathroom always clean. Stuff put away. Beds changed regularly.

I hate clutter and knick knacks as they're just dust magnets.

I don't think I've gone too far the other way. My brother has though. He's always wiping and dusting.

I'm the same.

We have dogs, down to 1 now, and I need to avoid dog hair too. DH would just put everything in the washing machine but I get the hairs off first with packing tape. Cannot stand the hairs being distributed around clothes in the machine.

When I was young we had a beautiful dog, I loved her completely, but without a vacuum cleaner and my parents hardly cleaning her hairs got everywhere.