Epsom College Murder Suicide

[PleaseStopSayingHuBbY]

I'm shocked but not surprised. This world is depressing and scary for women.

And yes, I was up late at night aged five. I used to wake up all the time, much to the exasperation of my parents.

I wish I’d had your dad answering the door instead of what was my best friend goodbyestranger

Agree with this. Controlling men can make you feel like you are going mad. Interesting that he called the police - that may have been a display of power given her job. If her job was the issue at that time (for him) perhaps she was still pregnant or heading back after maternity leave. He may not have liked this.

Oh dear sorry to hear that ArcaneWireless :(

publicly challenging a Dv perpetrator puts their partner at increased risk.
It’s not like he’s going to reflect on your justifiable challenge and change his ways
He will go home and beat his wife
The intervention is about you,you feeling you stood up to the bully and advocated for the wife
i understand why you’re enraged but is misguided and risky to his partner to publicly humiliate him

I only made it as far as page 19 of comments and jumped to the end, but seeing all the comments about the Twitter count of women killed made me wonder whether having it as a statistic announced on the news every night like the Covid stats used to be might help increase awareness. It’s an uncomfortable statistic so let’s make people uncomfortable and put it in their faces - newspapers, websites, the evening news programmes.

I wonder how many posters on MN have been subjected to domestic violence but have never reported, so are not part of any stats? So many posters on this thread are declaring their hand. Would that stat be representative of the situation nationally?

I really hope that we do not get into victim blaming here, even partially. Even if Emma did strike him 7 years ago, or there were problems in their marriage, there is a world of difference between that and shooting to kill a woman and young child.

@goodbyestranger I had a verysimilar experience about 18 years ago when the lovely lady next door but one (in a naice area)came round banging on my door late at night flooding with tears and trembling and asked if she could come in and call the police as her husband had assaulted her (worryingly they had 2 young kids asleep in the house as well) - the dickhead fled the house (coward) and left the 2 kids (under 6) alone as well. My H went back round with her and saw that he had gone and I went and then stayed till police arrived. He wasn't the 'oh that's a suprise' kind of bloke, always looked an aggressive jerk. She was European and a real gentle soul too. But if you saw a picture you would say beautiful family, blonde mum and kids and shaven headed tanned fit looking bloke. Nothing suprises me these days .

The thing is he would know threatening her with the police could damage her career , also would be likely to involve child services etc it's a very well used tactic by perpetrators to get the upper hand or control back
She worked In a role where her enhanced dbs would have to be clean didnt she so makes it even worse

Exactly the same thing happened to me. I flung my arm out to protect myself when he struck me and it got him in the tummy. I couldn’t believe that he then accused me of DV - thankfully he was just complaining to me and didn’t make a public accusation.

I feel so sad that most likely Emma would not have wanted anyone at all to know about her slapping him (if indeed she did, I wouldn’t be surprised if he made it up) and now, because she has been killed at his hands, this is all being made public. All the stuff she probably didn’t want anyone to know. I know it’s small in the grand scheme of things, I just feel sad for her that her private life is now so public. I don’t know if that makes sense, i can’t articulate it properly

What I find genuinely extraordinary - still - is just how much abusive men seem to sing off the same sheet. So that when victims join MN and read posts they can see all the same traits, but too late to avoid the damage. Hindsight is a great thing but foresight even better. It's almost like these men lack any imagination, so worthy of an extra dollop of contempt.

The 2016 complaint really, really angers me - so standard, so threatening to her career. Hateful, but there you go, police going along with it and telling her off.

And I think this is one of the best ways we as women can help each other. Believe them. Believe them when they say they are victims. Believe them when they say their children are at risk.

My ex told so many awful lies about me after we split. And some people chose to believe him even though in some cases they had watched him bully me and seen me gradually vanish from the world. And the family courts and cafcass swallowed whole his narrative as a perfect father despite police reports, medical records and disclosures from my son to his teachers

Nothing surprises me either Crikeyalmightly, unfortunately. Poor lady.

SweetSakura I hope that things have come right for you now.

I was lucky to be under the care of an amazing psychologist who helped me find the strength to leave and deal with the fall out. And I felt privileged to have an employer that supported me discretely and compassionately and a family that rallied round me.

We can all make a difference to victims of DV, even if it's just believing them.

The other reason that this case rings bells for me is the timing; that he murdered her and the daughter just a month or so after she took up her new job. The first time my ex attacked me was when we had just moved into a lovely apartment that went with my new job. The night we moved in we had an argument and he went into a terrible rage and smashed every single thing in the flat. He didn’t touch me that time. He didn’t need to. I was terrified. It was like being in some weird dream. I couldn’t believe what was happening. When he was finished he picked up a candlestick and said that next time he would put it through my head. The whole performance was a warning of what he was capable of. I never argued with him again.

I was trapped. I felt I couldn’t give up the prestigious job or tell them what happened. I couldn’t leave and he definitely wasn’t going to because he had me where he wanted me.

I hope my posts aren’t triggering for people. I am finding it tremendously cathartic to tell you all this stuff.

I think I know what you mean.

The poor woman has the indignity of this in death. As if it goes some way to explain why he might have done what he did. It is maddening.

She is dead. At his hands.

Her daughter is dead. At his hands.

To bring something up like this serves to hurt her family even more.

She is dead. She can’t explain why that police incident happened. She can’t confirm it happened how it is being portrayed.

Because he killed her.

Hardly comparable.

Yes thank you. That’s what I was trying to say. It’s the indignity isn’t it. Raking up things she may or may not have done. So unfair.
i feel so sad and so angry for her and Lettie and their family

I obviously have a different take on this old complaint about her. I think it shrieks abuse on his part.

Yes it does of course. I don’t think anyone is saying differently

I think that's what most of us are saying actually.

I understood the posts to say that the imputations being cast were undignified and unfair since she can't now explain or answer. What I meant was that I don't find the 2016 complaint does anything other than elicit sympathy for her and cast imputations on him, not her.