The fat woman in the gym

[biznach]

I am the fat woman in the gym. I used to be fit, trim, and strong, but an injury and the lockdown hit me for six. I gained 2.5 stones. I also aged. Now I hate glimpsing myself in the mirror in the gym and in the classes. The double chin. The bulges under my clothes. I know nobody cares, but I hate every time I see myself. I can't even say I look like my mother, as she is a slim elegant Frenchwoman.

I desperately need to go back to exercises, but for this reason I avoid going altogether, which is counterproductive. I have been to the gym twice since the new year. I know there is no magic way, and I do know I didn't become overweight and unfit overnight, but I just can't help feeling horribly disappointed and disgusted with myself in general.

Not sure what I am asking really. Can anyone relate? Have you managed to harness this in a positive way?

Op and anyone else feeling self conscious about your weight at the gym or un any other active sort of situation. Just remember this, you are doing something, you are getting fitter, you are not sat on the sofa making excuses. Not that you sound massively overweight, and I think there are many of us who are a bit overweight personally I'm about 1.5 stone over, but if I see wobbly people like me or fatter than me doing exercise I want to cheer them on (I don't because they'd think I was a condescending arse) but most people are just thinking good for you. Exercise is about more than just weight control for me it makes little difference to my weight because I like food and am not prepared to starve but being active is amazing for my mental health.

@biznach I'm another Fat Lady at the gym! I went to the gym every weekday morning before 2020 and was very active at the weekends and after work. Even during 2020 and 2021 I was cycling 100+ miles a week so remained very fit and at 5ft 9" 12.5-13 stones didn't look too bad. But last year nursing my partner through a mental breakdown and his increasing alcoholism then his death at 50 in November dragged me down and I exercised less, ate the same(or more) food and have gained at least half a stone but lost about a stone of muscle! Didn't go to the gym for 7 months and cycled way less.
I avoid mirrors s much as possible but when I catch sight of myself I am so angry that I've come to this - I can't continually blame peri menopause (I'm 54) as I know its boredom eating and apathy that has made me this way. Too often now I sit down in front of the TV by 6.30 and stay there for a couple of hours before I go to bed. I just don't want to go out in the cold for a walk or cycle especially when its dark too and I only have urban streets to walk around. I don't want to drive somewhere to walk in the countryside.
If you find the magical Tree of Motivation, please let me know where it is!

I'm slim. When I see fat people at the gym I think "good for you, go for it!" Don't assume people are judging you negatively. Keep going, it will make you feel better, and if you keep it up, it will make you look better. Good luck.

This just makes me think that's how you used to think about other women in the gym.

There are people all shapes and sizes at the gym, nobody cares honestly. A friend of mine, who was overweight, used to find encouraging comments from instructors in the classes patronising, as she felt they were only given to the least able and made them stand out. I'd just file those as well meaning.

The mirrors are awful. I'm size 8 and look like I have enormous legs at a distance (they shrink as you get closer to some of the mirrors). I have even cross checked with mirrors at home to see if I have actually put on weight. They are not flattering.

I would approach this in two ways.

Find exercise you enjoy now - would you prefer to walk in nature where there are no mirrors? To go for a swim? To do the sort of exercise that happens as a by-product of being out doing an enjoyable activity?. Rather than just to change your body shape?

Focus on liking your body now. Appreciate it for what it can do. Try to see yourself as a while rather than focussin in on the individual elements.
Have a look at the work of Kat Shaw. She draws real women and I find as I see myself reflected in her artwork I come to see myself as one of the images she produces that I admire.

Thanks for helping me unpick this. I think it is selfhatred and shame (in the Brene Brown sense) speaking mostly. It's less about other people (even though as I said upthread a few years ago I saw some women imitating behind an overweight lady doing her workout. Somehow that etched in my mind, and general comments about overweight people) It is also cultural. I am half French which is in general a lot less forgiving about weight gain.

I am a lot better when going to a yoga studio as it has no mirrors, but everywhere else is full of bloody mirrors and I keep catching glimpses. I hide myself under big clothes, and away from photos and people when I can. I am not able to keep a very low calorie diet however much I try. I have tried many times and going below 1200 cal makes me constantly hungry and irritable and further depressed. And I can keep it only for a week at most, and then I end up eating more, and hate myself, and rinse repeat. I think exercise would help me break this vicious cycle, that's why I am keen on going back to the gym and doing strength training.

That's not true at all. Never. However, I do blame myself for not standing up to people who body shamed others.

Fortunately for me my eyesight isn't good enough for me to see much detail in the gym mirrors 👀

Also I find wearing some sort of exercise band /tracker a great motivator, and if you're feeling a bit self-conscious you can always fiddle with that ☝🏻🤠

I’ve also been/am the fat person in the gym. I’ve had women come up to me telling me “I was you x amount of months ago, super fat, but keep going at it, you’ll get there!” As if it’s meant to be empowering, I was devastated.

My Dad is also super fit (ex bodybuilder) has also mentioned that when he sees a ‘fat person’ in the gym he makes a point of going over to cheer them on, I’ve told him explicitly it’s rude, he doesn’t care.

I now don’t go to the gym and now stay at home getting more unfit and more depressed. It’s a horrible cycle to be in, I’m now on a calorie deficit and trying to get more comfortable with my body before I start working out again, might try the couch to 5k app again so I can go on a quiet path and exercise in peace.

This just isn't entirely true. I lost over a stone in a year without changing my eating habits in any way. (I overeat. I know I do. Lots of reasons why and why i find it impossible to diet.) All I changed was my exercise habits. I dropped two dress sizes and had toned muscles and went down by about 18lbs to healthy BMI. Nothing but exercise. Still overeating and snacking on rubbish. But working out 4 times a week at bootcamp with 1.5 hours of vinyasa flow yoga and a couple of 10k walks a week (other days averaging 4k steps a day as WFH.)

When I stopped exercising due to life change, the stone went back on over 6 months. I'm back exercising again now and I hope to keep at it until I get back down to the size I was. I wish I had the self discipline to eat better and agree sensible eating is by far the best way to lose weight and maintain its loss. But if for whatever reason that doesn't work for you then exercise alone really can help lose a substantial amount of weight.

I came on to say exactly this!
And, I went back to my regular yoga class last weekend for the first time in two months. The largest woman in the class had clearly lost weight, looked more energetic and stronger and I felt pleased for her that she was getting healthier. Go to the gym. Do it for you!

No one minds what you look like. I’m fat but enjoy my classes. However, it’s what you eat that determines weight loss so maybe just start there first.

Just to reiterate what PP have said but I can't remember any fat people at the gym. I can't remember anyone at the gym. When you're working out you usually have tunnel vision, personally I don't look up much

I don't look at fat people & think 'good for you' either, I dont notice them, or anyone, am I inherently self absorbed? 😂 I think I'm too knackered to notice people tbh

Also, why not just walk? It's incredibly effective for weight loss, in my experience more effective than the gym. I like going to the gym because it makes me feel good/productive afterwards, but you're clearly not getting any mental benefits.

10,000 steps a day, slight calorie deficit.

Don't go to gyms (?)

Get out (fast) walking or jogging when you can manage it.

Go to the pool (only a short exposure before and after your swim).

Cycling?

What other sports would you be interested in?

Can you possibly do the walking/jogging/cycling as part of your daily routine.

I used to walk 15/20 mins to work with a hill section and by fk that helped fitness.

My Dad is also super fit (ex bodybuilder) has also mentioned that when he sees a ‘fat person’ in the gym he makes a point of going over to cheer them on, I’ve told him explicitly it’s rude, he doesn’t care.

Yes, that's the sort of thing my friend has talked about coming across as patronising. 'Well done you' on her first day from a staff member. She said she almost walked out there and then.

And if doing classes the instructors shouldn't make it obvious by only complimenting or offering words of encouragement to the largest/oldest/etc person as it does make them stand out, feel self conscious, and it's patronising.

I'd recommend running, as a runner, but I'd advise caution. Several old runners threads where we've discussed the comments and harassment from passers by majority had experienced. Fortunately for me it's mainly been car horns sounded or whistling, easily ignored. Sadly not uncommon.

Don't let it put you off, but thought I'd warn all the same.

I can resonate, I just took a very deep breath and threw myself into some gym classes, realised nobody is looking at me they're all too busy looking at themselves and worrying about their own work out.

My Dad is also super fit (ex bodybuilder) has also mentioned that when he sees a ‘fat person’ in the gym he makes a point of going over to cheer them on, I’ve told him explicitly it’s rude, he doesn’t care
Oh god that is really cringe!
Why do men feel they are entitled to make random comments to people when it is not wanted. It's just rude and patronising.

Yep. I'd tell him to fuck off. Quite happily actually.

I'd probably accidentally drop a weight on the toes of any super fit body builder type who came over to cheer me on

@biznach

i am size 18 6ft and we’ll need to wear strong bras.

i go to the gym.
just grin and bare it and you will feel better when you meet you friends etc.

why worry about gym types !!

I like this. Thank you!