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Original poster

Who is right? Me or him?

155 replies

Rachell1 · 02/02/2023 19:35

I’m 8 months pregnant.. heavy and tired (also have 2 year old who does not attend nursery).

If I do say so myself, I keep the house near spotless (considering toddler is running everywhere!!) and cook lovely fresh meals 6/7 days a week (rarely get a takeaway).

I seem to have seriously pissed off my partner tonight though… admittedly tonight’s meal was random (pizza, chicken wings in nandos sauce with leftover rice and salad). He works desperately long hours (6am - 9pm most nights) and doing a very physical job. He also does about 3/4 hours of driving for the commute every day.

His argument is that he does all this, 6 days a week, pays all the bills and stocks up the freezer with nice butcher meats etc, all to come home to chicken wings and a cheap pizza. It wasn’t quiteeee that bad.. but yes I do understand his point.

However, I can’t help but feel upset that he has shouted at me down the phone and made me feel so shitty for having a slack day. He thinks my 2 year old will sit and play happily by himself whilst I make that one meal which I’m responsible for each day, but that is not the case!

Please be honest here… who is in the right?

OP posts:
Nagado · 02/02/2023 19:37

He can fuck right off. When do you get to sit down and relax? When’s your time off?

GallantGus · 02/02/2023 19:41

He shouted at you down the phone? Because he didn’t want what you’d made for his dinner? Are you his servant?

Original poster
Rachell1 · 02/02/2023 19:43

I am kinda expecting most women to take my side… but (because I am planning on showing him your replies), please do keep in mind the fact that we did have nice meats in the freezer for me to make.. instead of me going out and buying a cheap pizza and some chicken wings (although like I say, he is making it sound worse than it is… i did put toppings on the pizza and made a fresh salad too.. wasn’t actually all that bad!). Like I say, he also does work round the clock 6 days a week doing a very physical job. But I can’t work out whether I am right to have a slack day (considering I have no time off with toddler and I’m heavily pregnant). Or.. if I really need to up my game?!

OP posts:

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Pashazade · 02/02/2023 19:46

He might be allowed a grumble, but shouting is nasty behaviour and unnecessary. He might be working long hours, but you must be knackered too. One slightly duff meal a week should not something to get upset about, he needs to wind his neck in.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 02/02/2023 19:47

There are two sides to this story. My DH would be pissed off if he'd done a long physical day and there was meat in the freezer but I gave him pizza though.

GallantGus · 02/02/2023 19:48

Up your game? JHC.

Motelschmotel · 02/02/2023 19:49

Honestly? I think this is one of those times - very frequent they are too, at this stage of building a family! - when neither is wrong and neither is right.

Between the two of you, neither has an iota more to give 95% of the time. 2yo and 8mo pregnant? That's beyond exhausting and draining, especially when you know it's only going to end in a 2yo and a newborn!

3-4 hour commute, 6am-9pm work day, 6 days per week? That's beyond exhausting and draining, especially when you know that soon there's going to be a newborn in the house and an even less well functioning home to return to.

My advice is to change something. Your pregnancy will obviously end, but can your DH cut his hours a little? Do you have family you can lean on? The next 12-18 months could be very very difficult. Everyone needs some fat in their lives, some space to take short cuts and recharge and relax. Neither of you are getting as much of that as you need right now.

Motnight · 02/02/2023 19:49

He appears to have mistaken you for staff, Op.

smileladiesplease · 02/02/2023 19:51

Please show him my reply.

You are a dick head. That's from my dh by the way! Yeuk what a complete twat!

That's me by the way.

growgrowinggrown · 02/02/2023 19:51

Is there a reason he needs to work and commute such long hours?

I know it's not what you asked but id feel like shite if I was living on such little sleep all the time.

skippy67 · 02/02/2023 19:52

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 02/02/2023 19:47

There are two sides to this story. My DH would be pissed off if he'd done a long physical day and there was meat in the freezer but I gave him pizza though.

Then your DH is just as bad as the OP's.

IncompleteSenten · 02/02/2023 19:53

You have a toddler
you're heavily pregnant.
You normally present him with a decent home cooked meal.

And just once you do something quick and easy because you're 8 months pregnant and he shouts at you?

Seriously. He should be ashamed of himself. It wouldn't matter if he worked 16 hour days down t'pit.

Your very very pregnant wife puts a dinner in front of you - you say "thanks love. How are you feeling?"

Osteria · 02/02/2023 19:53

It is never acceptable to shout about something like this. It is disrespectful and will create a bad environment for your children. I grew up in a shouty household and I’ve been in therapy for years. The stuff it does to your brain as a child is unbelievable.

Next, who cares? Meat is in the freezer, it’s not going off. It sounds like a lovely meal. You’re doing a job too, with longer hours than him, and a lot of manual Labour too. He gets quiet time on the commute, time to check his phone enough to shout at you, time with adults. What do you get?

STOP VIEWING WOMEN’S LABOUR LIKE THE BASIC RATHER THAN A REAL JOB.

Anyway, you’re 100% in the right OP. DP sounds like a cock.

pictoosh · 02/02/2023 19:55

Well I like being married to someone who doesn't expect butcher meats for dinner every night. I couldn't be arsed with that. I'd say no.
Your dp would hate being coupled up with me.

Original poster
Rachell1 · 02/02/2023 19:55

It’s true.. I think we both have our points, and what is frustrating for me is that I think he is under the impression that I do nothing all day! But in reality, 2 year olds (especially ones who don’t do day time napping!) are actually quite time consuming!!!

He did say to me ‘I don’t understand how hard it can be to make a meal whilst he sits and plays’. Sits and plays….. That. Never. Happens. !!!

I do understand his side and point of view, I just wish he also understood mine.

Re the travelling.. it is the most he has been paid and we have a lot of outgoings at the moment so unfortunately he cannot do much about that. It is a shame but hoping this can change soon x

OP posts:
Nagado · 02/02/2023 19:57

Does he do half of the housework, cooking and childcare when he’s at home? Or is that your job 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Yes, he clearly works very hard, but he’s acting like you don’t. I’d like to see what he would dish up for dinner after a day of cleaning and entertaining a toddler, even without being pregnant. Maybe he should book a day off and try it?

And I’m not saying you’re in the right because you’re a woman. I’m saying you’re in the right because there is some deeply uneven division of labour going on in your home.

TheTeenageYears · 02/02/2023 19:57

Do you have a plan for when you give birth? Who is going to be making dinner every night then? I'm just a bit concerned that if he doesn't understand the odd night of easy food every now and again whilst pregnant with a toddler what will happen when you're trying to juggle both a newborn & toddler? He is BVU if this is as you say something which happens rarely.

mynewname25 · 02/02/2023 19:57

id have preferred the pizza and chicken wings ;-)

but yes OP, i think he is in the wrong. one meal out of 7 being a little less healthy is not something to shout about.

as a previous poster has pointed out, you are both tired and stressed out - you acknowledge he is, it doesnt appear that he acknowledges that you are. here in lies the problem

Krakenes · 02/02/2023 19:58

Motelschmotel · 02/02/2023 19:49

Honestly? I think this is one of those times - very frequent they are too, at this stage of building a family! - when neither is wrong and neither is right.

Between the two of you, neither has an iota more to give 95% of the time. 2yo and 8mo pregnant? That's beyond exhausting and draining, especially when you know it's only going to end in a 2yo and a newborn!

3-4 hour commute, 6am-9pm work day, 6 days per week? That's beyond exhausting and draining, especially when you know that soon there's going to be a newborn in the house and an even less well functioning home to return to.

My advice is to change something. Your pregnancy will obviously end, but can your DH cut his hours a little? Do you have family you can lean on? The next 12-18 months could be very very difficult. Everyone needs some fat in their lives, some space to take short cuts and recharge and relax. Neither of you are getting as much of that as you need right now.

Completely agree. Hormones/emotions are running high. If this is a one-off, just let it go. If it’s more regular then have a chat about it.

SeaToSki · 02/02/2023 19:59

He might be working long days, but you are working 24/7 for 9 months straight. When his body is sleeping and recuperating for a new day, your body is still working keeping a baby alive, and then you get up and have to deal with a toddler all day as well.

He gets to be a bit sad as maybe its not the dinner he was hoping for…but the correct response would be..”it sounds like you have had a hard day, would you like a foot rub, can I make you a cup of tea while I clean up the kitchen”

BubziOwl · 02/02/2023 19:59

IncompleteSenten · 02/02/2023 19:53

You have a toddler
you're heavily pregnant.
You normally present him with a decent home cooked meal.

And just once you do something quick and easy because you're 8 months pregnant and he shouts at you?

Seriously. He should be ashamed of himself. It wouldn't matter if he worked 16 hour days down t'pit.

Your very very pregnant wife puts a dinner in front of you - you say "thanks love. How are you feeling?"

Exactly this.

You sound like ten times the housewife that I am. I'm a SAHM in my third trimester with a 1yo, I've had a rough day today both emotionally and physically due to various goings on. Today my husband came home from his very stressful job to an absolute state of a kitchen. He laughed, cleaned up and made dinner. Because that's what normal people do for their heavily pregnant wives on a bad day, even if they're the breadwinner!

Pinkflipflop85 · 02/02/2023 19:59

If my OH shouted down the phone at me about dinner, that dinner would be going straight in the bin.

Twat

aSofaNearYou · 02/02/2023 20:02

He sounds like an ungrateful, snobby twat.

There were lots of filling elements to that meal.

Chewbecca · 02/02/2023 20:05

What an arsehole.

Ladybug14 · 02/02/2023 20:05

What's he going to do when you have two children under 3?

Start throwing things at you?

Hes not a man, he's a bully. A nasty bully who yells at a woman because he hasn't got the dinner he wants

Yuk. You can do better

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