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Original poster

Who is right? Me or him?

155 replies

Rachell1 · 02/02/2023 19:35

I’m 8 months pregnant.. heavy and tired (also have 2 year old who does not attend nursery).

If I do say so myself, I keep the house near spotless (considering toddler is running everywhere!!) and cook lovely fresh meals 6/7 days a week (rarely get a takeaway).

I seem to have seriously pissed off my partner tonight though… admittedly tonight’s meal was random (pizza, chicken wings in nandos sauce with leftover rice and salad). He works desperately long hours (6am - 9pm most nights) and doing a very physical job. He also does about 3/4 hours of driving for the commute every day.

His argument is that he does all this, 6 days a week, pays all the bills and stocks up the freezer with nice butcher meats etc, all to come home to chicken wings and a cheap pizza. It wasn’t quiteeee that bad.. but yes I do understand his point.

However, I can’t help but feel upset that he has shouted at me down the phone and made me feel so shitty for having a slack day. He thinks my 2 year old will sit and play happily by himself whilst I make that one meal which I’m responsible for each day, but that is not the case!

Please be honest here… who is in the right?

OP posts:
EllieM27 · 02/02/2023 23:34

Well, to put it in perspective re: other posters’ husbands pitching in, you said:

”He works desperately long hours (6am - 9pm most nights) and doing a very physical job. He also does about 3/4 hours of driving for the commute every day.”

So you said he is gone 18 or 19 hours a day, six days a week (working 6am to 9pm and 3-4 hours commute). Even if he does nothing but eat and go to bed once he gets home, he’s getting about 4 hours of sleep a night. That will result in sleep deprivation and frankly make him unsafe to be driving.

If he is really gone 18-19 hours every day then no, he can’t help out with the day-to-day as doing so would mean even less than 4 hours sleep and make him even less safe on the roads/at work.

If you mistyped and meant that he is gone 6am to 9pm and that includes his commute that is slightly different, though still long. Either way that needs to change. It is not sustainable and not fair to either of you. In the short term his work needs to be putting him up someplace near the work site during the week so that he’s not a danger to everyone on the road. That would also take some pressure off of you. But he also needs to be looking for a more realistic job because the current situation isn’t fair or reasonable for either of you.

AdobeWanKenobi · 02/02/2023 23:40

Honey, what you are describing here isn’t a normal relationship. You’re in his service, there is no team effort and no affection (and let me hazard a guess that when there is it’s under his terms and he’ll sulk if refused).

This won’t improve. Fast forward to your life with a pair of teenagers who’ve seen how their father treats you, and you waiting on all three of them.
You’re worth more. Plan your exit.

shreddednips · 02/02/2023 23:42

AnotherSpare · 02/02/2023 23:07

He's working for 15 hours, plus commuting for 3-4 hours? So he comes home and has only 5 hours left to eat and sleep before he sets off again? I'd say he's entitled to complain about anything and everything. That's not a good life at all.

It's not a good life. But when it gets to the point where he's shouting at his pregnant wife to prepare butcher's meats for him while simultaneously wrangling a toddler, it's his responsibility to make some kind of change so that he can behave decently. It's unsustainable, but there's never an excuse for abuse.

Interested in this thread?

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2 year olds 3rd trimester Families General food
Deathbyfluffy · 02/02/2023 23:43

I’m a man, and I’m on your side. That dinner sounds excellent!

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 02/02/2023 23:54

Tell him to piss off and make his own. DH works long hours, tonight he came home cooked dinner and washed up. I was busy entertaining our youngest DC.

catandcoffee · 02/02/2023 23:55

OP I've found your post very sad to read.

The fact you think most men are like yours.

The fact you settled for a man that doesnt adore you.

The fact he doesn't look after his own child.....ever.
😞💐

deeperthanallroses · 03/02/2023 00:02

Any man who has a 2 year old and doesn’t understand it’s not a walk in the park to cook dinner with them is clearly a shit dad, how else do they not know this? That’s not even counting the pregnancy, at that stage for me it hurt to stand at the stove for a few minutes.
op, does he do nothing at all for you or your child apart from bring in money? I’d start a couple of hours of daddy time on Sundays, you can just leave (and sit down for 2 hours somewhere). Because when you go back to work I see no evidence he will parent or cook, you will just have neglected children who are hungry or fed oven chips and he thinks it’s your fault. You need to start making changes. Tell him you will not cook anything in the first two weeks after baby is born and he needs that time off- I hope he’s planning time off?

Natty13 · 03/02/2023 05:14

Rachell1 · 02/02/2023 21:49

I have to admit, i’m finding it harder and harder with him at the moment. He has never looked after our son for the day, but then I’ve never expected it because I understand Sunday is his only day to relax before it all starts again the next day!

I am actually weirdly looking forward to going back to work full time eventually, because that way I might be in more of a position to be entitled to some ‘me time’ and be a lot less worried about the meals and the cleaning. It would also be nice to be contributing financially as I feel the fact that he is the breadwinner has some hold over me a little.

Ah it’s hard, especially now being pregnant.. he doesn’t fancy me whatsoever which I understand (I am literally massive and have hardly been making an effort with makeup etc!). But the fact that there is also no physical contact has really been getting me down. I don’t know, you guys have really cheered me up but think I might need to accept the fact that whilst I am not working I don’t think I’m going to win an argument!

So hang on explain this to me

He both thinks looking after a 2yo is easy peasy and they just sit and play while you can do as you please

But also that he has been working long hours and needs to rest on his days off rather than look after said 2yo?

Which is it because it can't be both? If it's so easy then he can do it once in a whe can't he? How hard can it be to rest while the 2yo is sitting playing? Oh wait...

emptythelitterbox · 03/02/2023 07:28

Ask him when your day off is?

I have to ask what his job is?

Hallmark1234 · 03/02/2023 07:36

I can't believe he shouted at you down the phone because you hadn't cooked a meal to his standard.

He's shown you who he really is and what he thinks of you; no empathy, or ability to understand that you've had a tiring day. It will only get worse down the line. Prepare yourself!

Disydoll12 · 03/02/2023 07:41

What horrrible self centered behaviour from him. You are 8 months pregnant. He should be thankful you made a dinner at all.

figmaofmyimagination · 03/02/2023 07:45

Women who settle for so little baffle me tbh. I can’t imagine being so desperate for male company that I would ever put up with a relationship like the OP describes.

Hallmark1234 · 03/02/2023 08:13

I'd also like to add that I don't think it's a good idea to show him this thread!

Just take the advice you've received to tackle his chauvanistic behaviour

Activelyannoyed · 03/02/2023 08:22

I don’t understand the concept of taking every spat to mumsnet and asking opinion. How do you function in day to day life if you need to ask on here then show him your replies.

and of course everyone is going to take your side. The bottom line is for everyone giving it what a bastard, we have all lost our tempers and been unreasonable at times. And working 6-9 six days a week and being solelh financially responsible, must be beyond exhausting. And when you’re exhausted you snap.

the answer op is to treat each other with more kindness. Not expect each other to behave perfectly . To understand that both of you will have days where it is hard.

unless he’s repeatedly shouting at you or abusing you a one off he’s knackered and shouted isn’t worthy of s thread and your marriage isn’t going to last much longer if you can’t accommodate each other.

2chocolateoranges · 03/02/2023 08:27

He has never looked after his own child for the day? Wow!

when you are a parent you don’t get a day off or a day of rest , so everyday he should be pitching in when he is home.

dh told me he loved when I went back to work part time as he had the children all to himself , with dd (you only got 28weeks maternity, she is 19) and I was back to work when she was 4/5 months old. Dh got on with looking after her and her just turned 2 year old brother and do you know why? Because that’s what dads do !

he needs to buck up his ideas and stop being a prick!

EyesOnThePies · 03/02/2023 08:34

Shouting at you down the phone: Not Good
Him working such long hours at a hard job: Not good.

Not good for him. And not good for you once you also have a tiny baby and neither of you get any sleep.

When does he see his family he works so hard to support?

It sounds as if the strain (on both of you) is starting to show.

Can you both talk about this?

jannier · 03/02/2023 09:59

Rachell1 · 02/02/2023 21:49

I have to admit, i’m finding it harder and harder with him at the moment. He has never looked after our son for the day, but then I’ve never expected it because I understand Sunday is his only day to relax before it all starts again the next day!

I am actually weirdly looking forward to going back to work full time eventually, because that way I might be in more of a position to be entitled to some ‘me time’ and be a lot less worried about the meals and the cleaning. It would also be nice to be contributing financially as I feel the fact that he is the breadwinner has some hold over me a little.

Ah it’s hard, especially now being pregnant.. he doesn’t fancy me whatsoever which I understand (I am literally massive and have hardly been making an effort with makeup etc!). But the fact that there is also no physical contact has really been getting me down. I don’t know, you guys have really cheered me up but think I might need to accept the fact that whilst I am not working I don’t think I’m going to win an argument!

Why don't you value the work you are doing for your family? He is not the only one working hard the difference is his days are shorter and he only does 6 you do more.
Take a day off leave him to do it all and he may understand more. ....and if you do end up staying in hospital or on bed rest he will know what's needed.
If you don't value yourself he won't.

purpledalmation · 03/02/2023 10:47

I would be having this baby, not having more, giving it 18 months to settle and arrange childcare, get a job and ask husband to cut his hours as you will be making up the shortfall

You will see him in his true colours then. No excuse like long hours and tiredness. Those hours are ridiculous and if I did work them I wouldn't expect to do housework, but neither would I expect a pregnant woman to do anything more than she felt capable of.

Watchkeys · 03/02/2023 17:10

He certainly hasn’t got it easy

Neither have you, but you're trying to respect his feelings. He's not respecting yours. I bet if he asked you for some help with something you'd try.

What you're wanting him to do isn't 'help', it's to partake in the practical running of his own household, it's taking care of his own child and pregnant partner.

YouSoundLovely · 03/02/2023 17:24

EllieM27 · 02/02/2023 23:34

Well, to put it in perspective re: other posters’ husbands pitching in, you said:

”He works desperately long hours (6am - 9pm most nights) and doing a very physical job. He also does about 3/4 hours of driving for the commute every day.”

So you said he is gone 18 or 19 hours a day, six days a week (working 6am to 9pm and 3-4 hours commute). Even if he does nothing but eat and go to bed once he gets home, he’s getting about 4 hours of sleep a night. That will result in sleep deprivation and frankly make him unsafe to be driving.

If he is really gone 18-19 hours every day then no, he can’t help out with the day-to-day as doing so would mean even less than 4 hours sleep and make him even less safe on the roads/at work.

If you mistyped and meant that he is gone 6am to 9pm and that includes his commute that is slightly different, though still long. Either way that needs to change. It is not sustainable and not fair to either of you. In the short term his work needs to be putting him up someplace near the work site during the week so that he’s not a danger to everyone on the road. That would also take some pressure off of you. But he also needs to be looking for a more realistic job because the current situation isn’t fair or reasonable for either of you.

All of this.

Of couse shouting isn't OK. But these hours and this commute sound completely unsustainable and indeed dangerous. Things aren't going to be any easier for OP if he kills himself or someone else at the wheel.

FirstTimeMama96 · 03/02/2023 17:53

Seen this image after your post and had to share😳 but he is seriously in the wrong! Raising a child isn't easy, especially with you being pregnant. He should be thankful for what he has and the fact that you make his dinners every day of the week! We are all entitled to a day off once in a while like I'm sure he has from work.

CombatBarbie · 03/02/2023 20:35

FirstTimeMama96 · 03/02/2023 17:53

Seen this image after your post and had to share😳 but he is seriously in the wrong! Raising a child isn't easy, especially with you being pregnant. He should be thankful for what he has and the fact that you make his dinners every day of the week! We are all entitled to a day off once in a while like I'm sure he has from work.

I saw this and thought of this thread!!!

AspiringMermaid · 05/04/2023 18:12

He owes you an apology, ridiculously high expectations, my DH wouldn't even think to complain... I don't think I know anyones' partner that would be so entitled
(Well apart from my sisters ex, I am so glad she broke up with that twat)

Sapphire387 · 05/04/2023 18:42

His work/life balance sounds completely unsustainable. I don't know anyone who works those hours. Is there a possibility of him changing his job? Sorry if that sounds naive but it sounds horrendous for both of you.

He absolutely should not be shouting at you or making a fuss over dinner. If he's not wanting to have sex with you because you are carrying his child...well, words fail me. I wouldn't be wanting to have sex with him again in the future.

Jasminejo · 06/04/2023 07:09

I can’t believe how many of you have partners and husbands who come home and help with the cooking/cleaning… I’m so jealous!!!

what were your parents like?
do you have siblings that are married?
do you not have friends that are married?