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Original poster

Who is right? Me or him?

155 replies

Rachell1 · 02/02/2023 19:35

I’m 8 months pregnant.. heavy and tired (also have 2 year old who does not attend nursery).

If I do say so myself, I keep the house near spotless (considering toddler is running everywhere!!) and cook lovely fresh meals 6/7 days a week (rarely get a takeaway).

I seem to have seriously pissed off my partner tonight though… admittedly tonight’s meal was random (pizza, chicken wings in nandos sauce with leftover rice and salad). He works desperately long hours (6am - 9pm most nights) and doing a very physical job. He also does about 3/4 hours of driving for the commute every day.

His argument is that he does all this, 6 days a week, pays all the bills and stocks up the freezer with nice butcher meats etc, all to come home to chicken wings and a cheap pizza. It wasn’t quiteeee that bad.. but yes I do understand his point.

However, I can’t help but feel upset that he has shouted at me down the phone and made me feel so shitty for having a slack day. He thinks my 2 year old will sit and play happily by himself whilst I make that one meal which I’m responsible for each day, but that is not the case!

Please be honest here… who is in the right?

OP posts:
Starlitestarbright · 02/02/2023 22:25

This reminds me of movie Shirley valentine when she makes him eggs and chips instead of his usual steak and chips. You deserve much better. Also why isn't he pulling his weight with his child. Working 6 days 6am -9pm means he has zero interaction with his toddler and soon to be newborn bar one day which I'm guessing is his rest day to do as he pleases

Original poster
Rachell1 · 02/02/2023 22:30

It’s just very interesting reading your replies because I suppose I’ve become used to doing all of this solo and thinking I can’t ask for any help because he is the one going out earning the money.

I can’t believe how many of you have partners and husbands who come home and help with the cooking/cleaning… I’m so jealous!!!

There is no way he will ever help cook, clean or look after the kids and I kinda just thought most men were like that! But then again I still understand that he works crazy hours and is under such pressure to make sure all bills are paid etc. He certainly hasn’t got it easy.

But what I have learnt from this is that he definitely needs to let me off when I have slack days and not shout down the phone putting me on edge. I’m not expecting anything other than him to just be reasonable with his expectations of me at the moment… and if he could help with our son a little more on a Sunday that would be amazing but seriously I have more chance of winning the euros with that one!

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 02/02/2023 22:33

So be doesn't think you're attractive at the moment?
He doesn't look after his child at all.
He doesn't do any housework.
He shouts at you when he doesn't get the dinner he believes is his due.

Can you tell me if he has any good points, OP?
Because he sounds like an abusive piece of shit to me.
You need to consider your options, I think. I wouldn't stay with a bastaed life this.

Interested in this thread?

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2 year olds 3rd trimester Families General food
CombatBarbie · 02/02/2023 22:33

If he wants the niace meats.... He's free to cook them. Ffs your 8 months pregnant looking after a toddler. I suggest he does a load of batch cooking on Sunday for himself.

Tell me he's not expecting michelen star food once baby is here?

Starlitestarbright · 02/02/2023 22:35

My dh and I work back to back, my dh gets up at 4.30. I do the school run on the morning and then I go to work on the afternoon and evening and he does the school run and after school clubs puts the tea in or waits for us all to eat. We have 3 dc.

Starlitestarbright · 02/02/2023 22:37

Op honestly why are you with him? I get you have dc eith him and ifs hard to leave but what does he actually bring to your life?

CombatBarbie · 02/02/2023 22:37

Just seen latest update..... He does nothing with the child or house? Is he just the sperm donor who thinks he's a god for impregnating you?

I hope you haven't left a career to be a sahm til kids are at school!!

Perfect28 · 02/02/2023 22:44

Op what do you think single people who work have to do? Or couples who both work? That working gets you out of having to care for yourself, your family and your home?

DelphiniumBlue · 02/02/2023 22:44

This is easily sorted.
On his next off day, go out for the day leaving him with the 2 year old. Ask him to cook a meat dinner for when you get back.v Book into a Premier Inn and sleep.
When you go home, see if he's managed to cook dinner ( he won't) and look after DS. If he moans remind him you are pregnant and exhausted and it's your turn for a day off.
He'll see how tiring it is, if he manages to do it, or he won't even manage.

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 02/02/2023 22:45

Oh @Rachell1, it's not 'helping' with the cooking/cleaning/childcare - it's sharing responsibilities and PARENTING. It's not bloody 1953. He sounds like a right knuckle-dragging neanderthal.

CombatBarbie · 02/02/2023 22:46

DelphiniumBlue · 02/02/2023 22:44

This is easily sorted.
On his next off day, go out for the day leaving him with the 2 year old. Ask him to cook a meat dinner for when you get back.v Book into a Premier Inn and sleep.
When you go home, see if he's managed to cook dinner ( he won't) and look after DS. If he moans remind him you are pregnant and exhausted and it's your turn for a day off.
He'll see how tiring it is, if he manages to do it, or he won't even manage.

And house needs to be as spotless as you normally have it, laundry done, kitchen tidied up etc whilst the toddler sits and plays.

TheShellBeach · 02/02/2023 22:46

You sound like a 1950s wife.
Nowadays, most women are not handmaidens.
Even in the 1980s, my DH did his share as soon as he got in from work.
We bathed the children together and put them to bed, then one of us would cook our dinner while the other tidied up the mess the children had made and put the laundry away.
Teamwork, OP.
We're retired now and we still share the housework equally.
He does all the hoovering and mopping the floors, and the washing up.
I do the laundry and the evening meals. He collects all the shopping.
We've been married for 42 years.

Dotcheck · 02/02/2023 22:50

OP
Perhaps ‘seeing his point’ isn’t serving you well in this relationship.

Do you feel respected?
Do you feel cared for?
Both of the key words in the above two questions are verbs.

TheShellBeach · 02/02/2023 22:52

It's not "helping" with housework and childcare, OP, by the way.
It's doing your equal share as a partnership.
The housework and childcare are not your sole responsibility.
You need to get out of this mindset.

K37529 · 02/02/2023 22:58

@Rachell1 no most men aren't like that. I'm pregnant and the other day I wasn't feeling well so when my partner came home from work he cleaned the kitchen and bathed our daughter, he helps with bedtime every night, we already have two kids so he gets one to bed and I do the other. I do most of the housework/child care because I'm a sahm and he works full time, but when he is here he does equal share with the kids. That's how it should be. Your last post about how he doesn't find you attractive because your heavily pregnant also is not normal and actually really sad. I really hope you have a support network other than him because looking after a toddler and a newborn is hard work.

BensonStabler · 02/02/2023 22:59

He wouldn’t last a day in your shoes

larchforest · 02/02/2023 23:02

You had pizza, chicken wings and salad because that's what you wanted for dinner.

I honestly can't think of a single occasion over the last nearly 25 years when DH has complained about a meal I've given him.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 02/02/2023 23:06

My dh works 65 hours a week, gets up at 1am and still cooks dinner at least twice a week and hoovered and mopped the floors downstairs today.

Your dh is rude, disrespectful AND needs to understand that you are not put on this planet to serve him. There's nothing wrong with pizza! If he doesn't like it, he can make his own dinner - he's a grown adult

TheShellBeach · 02/02/2023 23:07

Does he mention to you that you're not wearing make up at the moment? Does he give this as reason for not having sex?
You're very good at finding excuses for his unkindness.
I'm wondering if he says these things to you so often that you inevitably start to believe them.

AnotherSpare · 02/02/2023 23:07

He's working for 15 hours, plus commuting for 3-4 hours? So he comes home and has only 5 hours left to eat and sleep before he sets off again? I'd say he's entitled to complain about anything and everything. That's not a good life at all.

PinkSyCo · 02/02/2023 23:11

AnotherSpare · 02/02/2023 23:07

He's working for 15 hours, plus commuting for 3-4 hours? So he comes home and has only 5 hours left to eat and sleep before he sets off again? I'd say he's entitled to complain about anything and everything. That's not a good life at all.

It may not be a good life but, unless OP is forcing him to live that life, then no he not entitled to shout at her for not doing thing’s exactly as he’d like them!

Dotcheck · 02/02/2023 23:17

AnotherSpare · 02/02/2023 23:07

He's working for 15 hours, plus commuting for 3-4 hours? So he comes home and has only 5 hours left to eat and sleep before he sets off again? I'd say he's entitled to complain about anything and everything. That's not a good life at all.

Please explain how that means that he can be rude to OP.

TheShellBeach · 02/02/2023 23:24

"He's working for 15 hours, plus commuting for 3-4 hours? So he comes home and has only 5 hours left to eat and sleep before he sets off again? I'd say he's entitled to complain about anything and everything. That's not a good life at all"

OP works 24/7 each and every day.
She had no days off.
She is also currently 8 months pregnant.
Her DH thinks it's okay to shout at her.
THAT'S NOT A GOOD LIFE AT ALL EITHER.

shreddednips · 02/02/2023 23:28

What a tool. He's lucky he gets all his dinners cooked for him at all, he doesn't have an automatic right to that. I do all the cooking in our house (he does other stuff) but on the proviso that I only have the bandwidth and time to do very basic food. It's healthy, but basic.

If my DH wants anything more interesting he can buy it and cook it himself- I'm sure he isn't delighted by everything I place in front of him but he wouldn't dream of saying anything, let alone expecting me to prepare him butcher meats. If your DH wants the privilege of being a grown adult and having all his meals provided, he has to leave it to you to decide what you actually have the time and energy to cook and make appreciative noises.

He'd hate being married to me 😆 honestly OP, I'm normally all for a balanced view of things but he has zero point, so don't waste time trying to see it from his point of view. You're not running a restaurant, you're a heavily pregnant woman with a toddler and I'd be shoving his butcher's meat where the sun doesn't shine.

ElephantSlide · 02/02/2023 23:31

Christ what a sexist, aggressive piece of shit he is OP.

Not a life partner - a life sentence. Although you can free yourself whenever you’re ready.