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Original poster

Who is right? Me or him?

155 replies

Rachell1 · 02/02/2023 19:35

I’m 8 months pregnant.. heavy and tired (also have 2 year old who does not attend nursery).

If I do say so myself, I keep the house near spotless (considering toddler is running everywhere!!) and cook lovely fresh meals 6/7 days a week (rarely get a takeaway).

I seem to have seriously pissed off my partner tonight though… admittedly tonight’s meal was random (pizza, chicken wings in nandos sauce with leftover rice and salad). He works desperately long hours (6am - 9pm most nights) and doing a very physical job. He also does about 3/4 hours of driving for the commute every day.

His argument is that he does all this, 6 days a week, pays all the bills and stocks up the freezer with nice butcher meats etc, all to come home to chicken wings and a cheap pizza. It wasn’t quiteeee that bad.. but yes I do understand his point.

However, I can’t help but feel upset that he has shouted at me down the phone and made me feel so shitty for having a slack day. He thinks my 2 year old will sit and play happily by himself whilst I make that one meal which I’m responsible for each day, but that is not the case!

Please be honest here… who is in the right?

OP posts:

LightSpeeds · 02/02/2023 21:27

"He did say to me ‘I don’t understand how hard it can be to make a meal whilst he sits and plays’. Sits and plays….. That. Never. Happens. !!!

I do understand his side and point of view, I just wish he also understood mine."

From this, I'm taking away that he has NEVER looked after his child for a day.

It also sounds a bit like he thinks you don't 'do much' with your 'days off'.

The fact that he shouted at you (especially when you're 8 months pregnant) sounds pretty despicable.

Its clear he works hard but it sounds like he needs his eyes opening a bit.

Zola1 · 02/02/2023 21:27

He's out of order. I'm not pregnant, but if I was at home with the kids my partner would still come home from a day at work and pitch straight into helping with dinners, baths, cleaning up etc. Raising children is work too and we are all entitled to to off day, pregnant or not.

Pssspsss · 02/02/2023 21:27

Wtaf!

okay I think he’s being a bit of numpty @Rachell1 If you’d had thrown away fresh food that needed to be cooked by today in favour of takeaway or whatever I’d kinda get him being miffed off. I mean … what a waste, but if nothings gone to waste what’s the big deal really?

you aren’t just looking after a 2 yr old and cooking a baby right now with your feet up. You are looking after him and your home.

My reaction to this would be

tell him to get a fucking grip and don’t ever talk to me like that I again. Show some respect to the mother of your kids
tell him that when the babies born and he’s on his paternity leave he is to use that time to do everything you do in the house and look after the toddler whilst you recover/bond with and settle in your newborn. Then he can see how freaking tough it can be with a toddler, minding a home and cooking a fresh meal every night whilst the toddler “sits and plays”
tell him when he goes back to work to expect pizza and chips a bit more regularly because now he knows how tough it can be to juggle everything with a toddler remind him you are now juggling a toddler and a baby
if he bitches again at you the next time he has a week off I’d quite deliberately fuck off out for a couple days and then give him shit back when you rock up home at 9pm and your dinner isn’t on the table

Jesus wept - I honestly don’t know how some folks would cope if mums went on strike.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds 3rd trimester Families General food

IncompleteSenten · 02/02/2023 21:27

No problem that should read.

An edit button! An edit button! My kingdom for an edit button.🤦

PlatesofMeatFeet · 02/02/2023 21:29

Go out and leave this on the worktop for when he arrives home tomorrow night ....

PrincessHoneysuckle · 02/02/2023 21:30

I got to 8 months pregnant and tired and thought she's in the right straight away

Blueuggboots · 02/02/2023 21:34

What is his job?? Why does he commute so far?
You need to go and do something lovely, leave him at home with your 2 year old and make sure he knows you're expecting a Michelin starred meal when you get home.

MadeOfSteel · 02/02/2023 21:37

IncompleteSenten · 02/02/2023 19:53

You have a toddler
you're heavily pregnant.
You normally present him with a decent home cooked meal.

And just once you do something quick and easy because you're 8 months pregnant and he shouts at you?

Seriously. He should be ashamed of himself. It wouldn't matter if he worked 16 hour days down t'pit.

Your very very pregnant wife puts a dinner in front of you - you say "thanks love. How are you feeling?"

This. Show him this.

You might be at home right now, but you're working hard, too. He needs to have more respect for all you do.

Original poster

Rachell1 · 02/02/2023 21:49

I have to admit, i’m finding it harder and harder with him at the moment. He has never looked after our son for the day, but then I’ve never expected it because I understand Sunday is his only day to relax before it all starts again the next day!

I am actually weirdly looking forward to going back to work full time eventually, because that way I might be in more of a position to be entitled to some ‘me time’ and be a lot less worried about the meals and the cleaning. It would also be nice to be contributing financially as I feel the fact that he is the breadwinner has some hold over me a little.

Ah it’s hard, especially now being pregnant.. he doesn’t fancy me whatsoever which I understand (I am literally massive and have hardly been making an effort with makeup etc!). But the fact that there is also no physical contact has really been getting me down. I don’t know, you guys have really cheered me up but think I might need to accept the fact that whilst I am not working I don’t think I’m going to win an argument!

OP posts:

Citycentre3 · 02/02/2023 21:51

He sounds utter utter vile. I would not stand to be spoken to like that, especially in that situation. I have worked extremely hard so no man can ever claim I need to be grateful for anything he does. It would be my worst nightmare. He needs to return himself back to the dark ages. Will he still expect these high standards once the baby arrives? If so separating maybe the easier option!

Pinkflipflop85 · 02/02/2023 21:53

Going back to work won't suddenly earn you 'me time' in his eyes.

You'll just end up doing everything yourself still, plus the job on top!

Pashazade · 02/02/2023 21:54

Aw OP no physical contact is rough. Not even a cuddle? That's just depressing. I know you'll be a bit touched out with a toddler but a couple of minutes of quiet just sat together once he's in bed would make you feel so much better I'm sure. Or is he refusing you this along with being pissy about the occasional easy meal? Does he have any respect for you at all or are you just a burden that's wasting his money? Because it really doesn't sound a particularly happy picture from what you're saying.
I've not worked for a few years now and I run our household, my DH has never treated me as anything other than his equal in every respect.

Citycentre3 · 02/02/2023 21:56

Oh goodness, just reading your updated post makes him sound even worse. Sadly some men are nasty once children are involved and sometimes there is literally no way of knowing he was going to be like this. Perhaps you really would be better off going it alone.

CaffeineFreeEverything · 02/02/2023 21:57

Rachell1 · 02/02/2023 21:49

So when is your day to relax?

Tell him you are going to leave him with the toddler for the day, get him to do housework and all the cooking and clearing up too. He can then get a taste of what it's like!

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/02/2023 22:03

He has never looked after our son for the day, but then I’ve never expected it because I understand Sunday is his only day to relax before it all starts again the next day!

But according to him it's 'easy' so why can't he? He's made that rule so Sundays doing all the work is his day off.

Citycentre3 · 02/02/2023 22:04

At this stage in the game anything you are actually doing is a 'bonus' he should be encouraging you to take it easy, and telling you not to strain yourself, not abusing you for not doing more. Because effectively that is what it is, abuse!

TheShellBeach · 02/02/2023 22:07

You need to leave your toddler with him for a couple of days and see what he gets done.
What a cunt.
Seriously, how dare he kick off about this. I hate men who think that women do nothing all day when they're looking after children.
NOTHING IS HARDER WORK THAN THIS.

Pallisers · 02/02/2023 22:09

It always amuses me (in a grim sort of way) that a man can believe his wife who is a SAHM is sitting on her arse all day "minding" the children who play by themselves but he couldn't possibly mind his child on his day off because that would be too much hard work. Like it is easy or it isn't.

L1ttledrummergirl · 02/02/2023 22:13

So, on Saturday you fuck off out for the day and tell him you expect to come home to a fresh, home cooked meal, he shouldn't say no if it's so easy.

LightSpeeds · 02/02/2023 22:13

Pinkflipflop85 · 02/02/2023 21:53

Going back to work won't suddenly earn you 'me time' in his eyes.

You'll just end up doing everything yourself still, plus the job on top!

Yep, this. He still won't lift a finger to help, when you're working.

The fact that he 'no longer fancies you' because you're pregnant sounds pretty horrible too.

Citycentre3 · 02/02/2023 22:15

If parents or family are not looking after the children, then a childminder or nanny needs to be paid. Why? Well because looking after children is also a chosen profession for some. No doubt their partners will ask how was work? when they have been with children all day. Only difference is Mums don't draw a wage.

TheShellBeach · 02/02/2023 22:17

"I feel the fact that he is the breadwinner has some hold over me a little"

Bullshit, OP. Or at least, I hope he doesn't say this to you.

No husband should have a hold over his wife - for anything.
He sounds like a knob.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 02/02/2023 22:17

Is he having a laugh?

Surely if staying at home minding kids and maintaining a house, cooking, cleaning, wasig etc while a toddler damaging attention the whole time, wouldn't more men opt to be the stay at home husband?

You are also pregnant with additional weight and tiredness really makes it harder.

On his next day off, head out, strap a watermelon or baby weight to him, and ask him to accomplish all that you do everyday and cook an impressive dinner. Even if he does manage to do ot, ask him to repeat it everyday!!!!

It's hard, you're pregnant, toddlers never sit still. He could do with being hell of a lot more supportive.

Pregnancy and childcare in a maresidential isn't supposed to be a solo run, it's a joint venture!

TheShellBeach · 02/02/2023 22:18

Who is looking after the toddler while you're having the baby?

PinkSyCo · 02/02/2023 22:24

I don’t care if he earns a million quid a week and your cupboards are stocked with caviar, you are under no obligation to cook him so much as beans on toast. How can you sleep with someone who treats you worse than a maid? Ugh ! 🤢

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