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Original poster

Who is right? Me or him?

155 replies

Rachell1 · 02/02/2023 19:35

I’m 8 months pregnant.. heavy and tired (also have 2 year old who does not attend nursery).

If I do say so myself, I keep the house near spotless (considering toddler is running everywhere!!) and cook lovely fresh meals 6/7 days a week (rarely get a takeaway).

I seem to have seriously pissed off my partner tonight though… admittedly tonight’s meal was random (pizza, chicken wings in nandos sauce with leftover rice and salad). He works desperately long hours (6am - 9pm most nights) and doing a very physical job. He also does about 3/4 hours of driving for the commute every day.

His argument is that he does all this, 6 days a week, pays all the bills and stocks up the freezer with nice butcher meats etc, all to come home to chicken wings and a cheap pizza. It wasn’t quiteeee that bad.. but yes I do understand his point.

However, I can’t help but feel upset that he has shouted at me down the phone and made me feel so shitty for having a slack day. He thinks my 2 year old will sit and play happily by himself whilst I make that one meal which I’m responsible for each day, but that is not the case!

Please be honest here… who is in the right?

OP posts:
WomensLandArmy · 02/02/2023 20:06

My husband used to do shift work. On one memorable occasion he came home to a tin of meatballs stood in a saucepan on the table and everyone else asleep. I had a new baby, a two year old and a four year old and had had a day from hell. Was he a git about it? No! Did he heat up his meatballs and make himself some toast? Yes! Do we laugh about it now? Of course we do because he is not a complete tosser.

MostlyHappyMummy · 02/02/2023 20:08

If you weren't there, what would he eat? Cook?
Surely once he's home you're both responsible for housework and childcare or does he just do his job (albeit long hours) but you continue during the evenings and at weekends?
It's no wonder men prefer being in a relationship

Original poster
Rachell1 · 02/02/2023 20:08

@WomensLandArmy this really made me laugh!!!

Well i’m glad to hear that most of you think i’m not being completely unreasonable!

OP posts:

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SmileWithADimple · 02/02/2023 20:09

He is massively in the wrong here. He has NO IDEA what it's like to be heavily pregnant and looking after a 2 year old. He is undervaluing your role. I feel sad for you OP Sad

BeExcellent2EachOther · 02/02/2023 20:12

You are growing a whole human being inside you.

Does he honestly not think that is tiring?

A 2 yr old is demanding enough, but you're essentially a single parent considering the amount of time he's out of the house.

I'm presuming on his one-non-working-day-per-week he does all the night wakings, childcare, cleaning and cooking from scratch simultaneously, because if it's soooooo easy for a heavily pregnant woman to do, then it must be super simple for him.

Rogue1001MNer · 02/02/2023 20:12

What happens on the 7th day? Does he entertain the child while cooking?

Tamarindtree · 02/02/2023 20:13

The food after a long working day may not have appealed to him and I don’t know why you prepared that for his meal when you had better/nicer food to hand but shouting at you down the food is spoilt behaviour and unkind.

He’s an adult and could have shown his disappointment by speaking to you in a respectful manner.

I guess the long working days are taking a toll on him so maybe he should rethink his job or get a place to stay nearer his work during the week and come home weekends. Then he will have to cook his own food each evening!

crackofdoom · 02/02/2023 20:13

I think the only solution here is for him to look after your two year old all day on one of his days off. Then he can make a nice dinner from scratch while your toddler "sits and plays".

Might make him revise his attitude 😏

AlisonDonut · 02/02/2023 20:14

He works desperately long hours (6am - 9pm most nights) and doing a very physical job. He also does about 3/4 hours of driving for the commute every day.

I've worked those hours in construction before and came home and was so tired if I sat down I'd never get any food as I couldn't stand up again. I'd be over the moon if someone had cooked me any food.

If I'd made someone food and they shouted down the phone at me it would be the last meal I'd make them.

Thepossibility · 02/02/2023 20:14

I think that meal sounds amazing for a heavily pregnant woman with a toddler.
When I was heavily pregnant with a toddler my DH would often have to bring a take away home because of how bone tired I was. At HIS suggestion. Also at that time my DH was working a hard physical job and doing a degree at night!!
Still managed some empathy for his wife!
He acknowledged at least he got some sleep without a baby kicking his bladder.
He got to eat lunch and go to the toilet throughout the day.
When I'm tired my husband gets a frozen pizza on its own, nothing else.
He is happy to be fed.
To the OPs husband.
How dare you? Do better.

Reinventinganna · 02/02/2023 20:14

He gets a day off. So do you.

Anyone that shouts down the phone can feed themselves.

Twawmyarse2 · 02/02/2023 20:15

Have you ever seen Shirley Valentine OP?

I suggest you watch it!

cpphelp · 02/02/2023 20:15

My husband is the only one who works in our household and earns six figures.
My three young children are in nursery 3 days a week as my 'break'. I do the MAJORITY of the laundry and housekeeping, but my husband isn't frightened of a hoover or the washing machine either. I'll admit, I do need to ask him to do something if I'm out etc.
I do all of the bookings for kids activities like rugby, swimming, but he regularly takes them on his own, even during the working week.
We both cook an equal amount and give one another lie ins on a 50/50 basis. He picked the kids up early this afternoon from nursery because he wanted to take them out for tea.

My husband would dream of a wife like you, and I'd be horrified by a husband like him x

cpphelp · 02/02/2023 20:16

*like yours sorry

Watchkeys · 02/02/2023 20:16

It doesn't matter who's right. You're not happy. If you don't look after your happiness, you'll stay unhappy.

Rinders · 02/02/2023 20:17

Oh sweetheart, you’re allowed a slack day, most especially when 8 months pregnant. Equally, he’s allowed to want a decent meal when working so hard. He’s not allowed though to speak/shout at you in such a way. That’s completely, totally unacceptable.

the next few weeks/months will need you both to be compassionate and understanding towards each other - and to yourselves too. This isn’t insurmountable - I’m sure you wouldn’t mind him doing slightly less insane hours if it meant you didn’t have a freezer full of prime cuts? Life is so much more than that. It really feels like he’s stressing about the less important stuff. Time for him to focus on what really matters - that’s you and your children.

Pallisers · 02/02/2023 20:17

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 02/02/2023 19:47

There are two sides to this story. My DH would be pissed off if he'd done a long physical day and there was meat in the freezer but I gave him pizza though.

When you were 8 months pregnant and had a 2 year old at home with you? And would he have shouted at you? Do you really think this is normal or right?

Quartz2208 · 02/02/2023 20:18

Shouting down the phone berating that meal is never acceptable

yes his hours are long but so are yours and you are heavily pregnant

sometimes meals like that are a necessity and a welcome relief.

he needs to appreciate you a hell of a lot more and recognise the impact baby number 2 is going to have and stop being a twat

and I hope he does read this

Watchkeys · 02/02/2023 20:19

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 02/02/2023 19:47

There are two sides to this story. My DH would be pissed off if he'd done a long physical day and there was meat in the freezer but I gave him pizza though.

But many of us would also dislike your husband's behaviour. It's not 'right' just because your husband does it.

iklboo · 02/02/2023 20:23

He did say to me ‘I don’t understand how hard it can be to make a meal whilst he sits and plays’.

I'd show him exactly how hard it is.

WFHbore2023 · 02/02/2023 20:26

I remember when I was pregnant with my first.

I had that super special morning sickness that would last ALL day, really hitting its peak at around 4pm.

I wasn't eating an evening meal, and certainly wasn't able to cook anything, so I stocked up on ready meals for my DP.

He had the actual audacity to ask me 'how long he wasn't expected to live like this?'

Needless to say, I was not impressed and made sure he knew it.

Your partner is being unreasonable in his reaction.
If he didn't think it was a substantial enough meal, he could have a) ordered a delivery of something he did fancy or b) make himself something else when he got home or c) just eaten it anyway, understanding that's you have a lot going on at the moment and are entitled to take the easy route every now and then.

What does he do on his day off OP? Does he cook?

iklboo · 02/02/2023 20:26

There are two sides to this story. My DH would be pissed off if he'd done a long physical day and there was meat in the freezer but I gave him pizza though.

Two Neanderthals. What are the chances?

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/02/2023 20:26

My DH used to come home and say he'd assess the state of the kitchen and dinner to see what kind of day I'd had. If it was random and untidy, he'd immediately grab DD and tell me to sit down because I'd clearly had a rough day. Tidy and dinner done? He could chill a bit because things were good.

If he'd shouted and complained like he was my manager, he would be single now.

OP's DH... if you're reading. Count your lucky stars you aren't pregnant with a toddler. On your day off, why not look after the toddler all day, while cooking and cleaning, and carrying a say 40 pound pack on our front? Also, don't sleep the night before, drink 10 litres of water but don't go to the loo enough, randomly have someone kick you in the stomach. You'll have to ask your lovely wife if there's anything like piles, hip pain, random cramps, appetite you'll have to simulate.

Or just don't be a dick. That's probably easier.

2chocolateoranges · 02/02/2023 20:27

He should think himself lucky, I do dinner one night a week and dh cooks the other 6. Sometimes we have steak or chicken curry and other nights we have chicken burgers or pizza. It’s dinner, I eat what is cooked for me and I’m thankful that dh cooks.

we both work the same amount of hours however he is home for 4.30pm whereas I don’t get home till 6pm. So easier for him , however he still cooked when I only worked 2 evenings a week.(I’m a shit cook)

it’s called being a team, a partnership.

Seasider2017 · 02/02/2023 20:28

Does he really think you being at home is EASY going out to work is Harder

well then get him to take a day off, you go out for the day same time as he would in the morning and come home when he would when he’s working

let him dress, breakfast entertainment for ds, put washing in, makes bed, hoover round
make lunch for him & ds
after lunch, go to shops for any bits needed to put with meat.
come home, prepare the tea.
entertain & play with ds till ds tea time.
make ds tea and sit with him till he’s ate it
wash dishes clean round
bath ds and get ready for bed
do whatever it needs to get ds to sleep
come down and start making dw tea for when
she comes home

ask him is it easy being at home
show him this
i can guarantee it’s bloody NOT