Ioan Gruffudd/Alice Evans

[Notatallanamechange]

Don’t know if anyone has followed this, but she had an arrest warrant issued today for failing to appear in court for breaching a restraining order he has for domestic abuse. Their poor children seem like an afterthought.

This is so contradictory. Can you make your mind up whether it’s good or bad parenting to tell your traumatised kids something is wrong and there are consequences (perhaps no fancy expensive outings) or you just let it go and give them whatever they want to try to win their love? Ioan is not competing with Alice to win their affection and rightly so. Why should he be bending over backwards rewarding bad behaviour instead of modelling consistency and consequences?

Ioan is not seeing his kids regularly enough, or even at all, to model consistency and consequences.

This approach would result in him not seeing the kids at all.

You said it yourself, his kids are traumatised.

You might not like it, but he does have to bend over backwards to show that he loves them unconditionally.

He either tries to keep the connection, any connection, or he has no connection at all. I know which option I’d choose.

Have you actually read them?

the first one says:
Ioan: no B needs to be careful for a few more days because of the medication
child: I don’t want to go with B I want to go with you to universal studios
Ioan: I am aware but as I live with her I need to be more careful for her health’s sake. Can you suggest what else we can do outside/less crowded areas?
child: forget it then

text 2 clearly says ‘I’m not taking you to a concert after what has happened as it’s so serious‘

Alice has sold the narrative he doesn’t want to see them and then most of his other actions have shown otherwise. No one knows what else he did in Australia, seen as he had just filmed a series there had had a lot of contacts he may have been looking for work himself in a pre booked trip. He doesn’t tell us what he’s doing that doesn’t mean it’s a holiday

Let me say again Alice Evans is a terrible parent and role model, she presents as quite mentally unwell. Ioan is arguably the more stable parent so needs to be a stable unconditionally loving father at this time. Alice is never going to be a unselfish stable parent so the responsibility falls to Ioan.

Why couldn't he have self isolated in a hotel for a few days ? He hadn't seen his daughters for months he was living with Bianca so seeing her everyday. I would rather see my children than not especially after months. He chose to go abroad instead of being there when visitation started , I love my children and wouldn't delay my visits. This all says to the children they are not the priority , how can he then say I need to set strict boundaries and I won't see you until have therapy? He isn't around enough to try to impose strict boundaries , It says to the children my love is conditional. It pushes the children back to Alice and helps her alienate more.

Exactly she says she doesn't want to go with B, it's like raising a red flag to a bull. His child wants to see him and he's mentioning Bianca and her needs. It will feel like rejection.

This might be your opinion but it’s not likely to be the advice of child therapists. I cannot envision any child therapist advising any parent however distant to have no boundaries and just deploy unconditional love - that is love bombing and exactly what Alice is doing to them. It’s also very manipulative and unsafe because it’s not making the child feel safe to know they can do anything they like and hurt you and lash out at you in unhealthy ways just so that they know you love them and they like you. If you do what you are advocating, all you have is a child using a parent as a rifle range target for all their emotions which is so damaging and not at all reasonable to expect a parent to be able to tolerate.

I’ve had a child in therapy for difficult ADHD behaviour and they do NOT teach you to tolerate anything and everything at all! Kids need boundaries and to know that you love them but there are behaviours that are not ok and can cause harm. Stealing is wrong, however traumatised a child is and they should be told that and helped through it to learn why they did it, and how to manage their feelings which is what he is trying to do with therapy! Being a parent means making shit and hard decisions sometimes that your child will not like, I’ve had to do this, haven’t we all?

He's not playing the victim, he literally is the victim. Plenty of women who are abused by men don't put their kids first for a whole myriad of reasons - staying with their abuser, for instance. That doesn't mean they are "playing the victim", does it?

Alice has estranged him from the girls. What do you suggest he ought to have done? Forced them to see him? What?

I think you would be quite surprised, then, by advice from therapists for someone in Ioan’s situation.

Your situation is completely different, as I’m assuming you are an active parent, seeing your child daily and are in a position to hold strong boundaries.

Ioan is in no position to do so. He would only be creating more distance.

He has to re-establish a relationship first. Strong boundaries are not conducive to this. He has to tread gently. And show love. Not punishment.

I'm guessing you are a very active parent day-day in your child's life. Ioan currently isn't and spent months abroad even before the divorce. Suddenly coming home and demanding lots of boundaries before you have built a positive relationship isn't going to work. I have worked in mental health for years , I wouldn't suddenly place lots of boundaries and changes on patients before we have built a therapeutic relationship and they aren't my family.

I agree completely with this post and frankly there are a whole host of tik tok teenagers and young adults who seem to think they have carte blanche to criticise their parents and the way they were raised without having that parent react to said criticism. Failing to realise that parents are human beings, not robots, with their own flaws and inadequacies and traumas like anyone else. I do not speak to my children in a disrespectful manner and so I do not expect to be spoken to in a disrespectful manner. I treat my children with kindness and courtesy and I expect the same back. I am the parent, yes, but the relationship is a two way street.

When my father tried to alienate me from my mother, she didn't accept being spoken to like dirt. She set me straight. Thank god she did or I'd likely have been estranged from her forever, stuck with a man the courts wouldn't remove me from because the abuse was emotional.

I'm honestly shocked that people think the court documents don't justify the removal of the children from Alice. It is one of the worst and most obvious cases of emotional abuse I've ever seen, and this is my field of work.

Actually when Ioan was at home (which he often was) pre divorce he was the main carer for the girls. You seem to be labouring under the misapprehension that they weren't close and he wasn't an involved parent. He was.

The key word here would be “currently”.

By all accounts Ioan did have an extremely positive relationship with the girls before the split. He was the main carer when not away working, which is why he hired a nanny for when he was away. He knew Alice couldn’t/wouldn’t be able to look after them properly on her own.

Yes, which is down to Alice's parental alienation. The only person responsible for that is Alice. Do you have any idea how difficult that is to fight against for the other parent?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Alice, Alice, Alice.

Ioan has no responsibility in the current state of his relationship with his children. None. Zero. Nada.

Whatever.

It's no wonder that so many men get away with being shitty parents when there are so many people willing to make excuses for them.

No woman who is in Ioan's current situation would get away with these sorry excuses for poor parenting, but Ioan seems to getting lauded for doing less than the bare minimum.

This is utter horseshit. I've BEEN the child alienated from a parent. I would not go near my mother because my father had told me all kinds of made up crap about her which, being a child, I believed. She tried. I refused to have anything to do with her. Parental alienation is real.

He still spent months away the primary care giver for the girls was probably Gloria. Like I said you can't expect to not see your traumatised children for a long time , get a new partner and start imposing lots of rules. Life doesn't work like that.

I never said he didn't. But I do not think he is any more a "shit parent" than an abused woman who stays with an abusive man. But I'm sure you wouldn't possibly be applying double standards here.

He does, and I am pretty sure this mess keeps him up at night, feeling sick and questioning everything he ever did or said and doubting himself and torturing himself and kicking himself for the wording of a text message and wondering how to get this sorted and worrying about the kids and feeling frustrated. He is a human. I just cannot see how the 2 are comparable, his attempt at putting in boundaries are not causing this. It’s also not helping because of what an absolute mess it is, but this is about the long run not the short term. He is trying to establish something now for the long term and he says he has always been this parent, he has always been ‘bad cop’

I am an active parent but I also have been pushed, shoved, sworn at, told to go off and die and I also have taken away privileges and been hated by my child but I am still here, still love them, still want to help them but I will not sacrifice my mental well-being and sanity in the pursuit of some kind of perfect, cure all unconditional love - its not real!

You want to talk double standards - any woman in Ioan’s situation would be crucified.

Imagine the AIBU from a woman. I'm getting divorced from my ex , he's a terrible alcoholic parent, who abuses me on social media. I have met a new partner and we have been going away a lot on trips and moved in together. My children seem to be very rude and lash out at me, they don't seem to want accept my new partner. AIBU to refuse contact with them until they get therapy ?

Exactly this. He has responsibility for this mess but not equal nor comparable responsibility because he is the victim and Alice is the abuser. Unless anyone calling him a shit parent here would say that a female victim of abuse was equally as responsible as her male abuser then it is just double standards galore.

Except that's not what he did, is it.

He said that to the eldest didn't he? Refused contact until she got therapy.

Erm, if I met a woman who had been systematically alienated from her children by a narcissist, no I would not "crucify" her. And I can say that with confidence because I meet women this has happened to on a weekly basis due to my work.