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Original poster

Should I lend my DH £13,000

429 replies

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:27

My DH and I have been together for 19 years. I had a good professional job when we met and I gave up said job after having children. I was then a sahm for 8 years while DH worked full time. During this time DH completely held the household purse strings as he was the one earning money.
Fast forward a few years and I got a minimum wage type part time job. By this time DH was earning £80,000 a year.
We have always had separate finances. He has been responsible for the main bills and I have paid council tax, water and sky.
We are married but the house is in his name.

I had a bereavement and have been left £87,000. I used a small amount to pay off a couple of credit cards i had but have left the majority in a savings account.

As I have a low paying job this money is a huge amount to me and i dont think I'll have this kind of lump sum in my account again.
Now to the question. DH has asked me to lend him 3.5k to pay his tax bill with the intent that he will get a bonus next month and he can pay me back. I am happy to do this. But he has now asked me to lend him £8.5k for a new triathlon pushbike. To me this is money we could spend on the house, a fantastic holiday for our family etc.
I have no doubt that he will pay me back - hes not the type to rip me off but it doesnt sit right with me. I couldn't spend this kind of money on a bike when we need a carpet upstairs etc. If i dont lend it to him he is hinting he will get a loan.
What do you think?
My Mum told me on her death bed not to let him have my money . They never got on.
Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 27/01/2023 21:37

How would he have paid his tax bill if your mom hadn't died?

Stillcountingbeans · 27/01/2023 21:37

As an alternative to divorce, consider what his will says.

Does he have a will? If he doesn't, you will inherit all/most of his money and pension (not sure if the children may be entitled to a bit, if it is a big estate).

If he does have a will and you are the main beneficiary, you will be okay.
(There may be an inheritance advantage to getting half the house put in your name.)

However, if he is leaving his money directly to the children, what will you live on in retirement?
This is assuming no prior marriage or other children in the wings.

If you are not the main beneficiary, then get divorced, sooner rather than later.

ColdHandsHotHead · 27/01/2023 21:38

When you say no, how is he likely to behave?

Interested in this thread?

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General money
Emotionalsupportviper · 27/01/2023 21:38

blueshoes · 27/01/2023 21:25

OP, was the inheritance from your mother? You mentioned her telling you on her death bed not to give him money so I am assuming the bereavement which resulted in the inheritance is from your mother.

If so, speaking as a mother, if I thought my dd was vulnerable in any way (and you are because you are financially dependent on your dh whom she does not trust), I would make sure my dd was set up on my death. She would have given it to you as your running away money.

Keep it, 'sew it into your dress', use it to protect yourself and the dcs.

Find some excuse not to lend him.

If so, speaking as a mother, i. . . I would make sure my dd was set up on my death. She would have given it to you as your running away money.

I think this, too.

She wants to make sure that if he turns nasty (nastier) you have the cash to protect yourself and your children.

Blossomtoes · 27/01/2023 21:38

Are you suggesting she puts him under the patio @Stillcountingbeans?

NomadicSoul · 27/01/2023 21:39

I wouldn't give him anything personally. I made the mistake of paying a partner's debts once and they split up with me shortly after.

In your case, I'd not trust someone who has the house just in their name and who sounds like they've not given you anything in the past. That money is yours, not his and he's being selfish.

WinnieFosterReads · 27/01/2023 21:39

Nope.
He's going to come up with one thing after another until he spends all your money. Let him get a loan.
You should meet with a financial advisor to get ideas on how to invest and protect your money. Your DH sounds as though he'll try to wear you down and keep pestering to spend it. Tell him it's tied up and since he felt it was stealing if you spent his coppers then it would obviously be stealing if he spent even a penny of your inheritance in any way. I wouldn't even pay the tax bill. How would he have paid it if you hadn't inherited?

NotStayingIn · 27/01/2023 21:39

I'm really sorry OP but he sounds awful. I would use this money to get out.

aloris · 27/01/2023 21:39

astarsheis · 27/01/2023 21:33

As a cyclist with a very expensive bike I say yes...as a wife (low earner) in a marriage where we have always had joined finances and a very generous DH (high earner) who didn't bat an eyelid to also let me have my very expensive bike and gives me all the time I want to ride it...I also say yes...just make sure you get your money back and also you treat yourself to equal value...whatever that may be

Once she gives him this money, she has absolutely no way to ensure she gets the money back. If she "treats herself" it will be with her own little money that is security for herself, not with his money. If she really wanted to "treat herself" why would she need to give him an equal amount to justify treating herself? She can keep her money, NOT give it to him for the bike, and treat herself if she wants to! Why does she have to be generous to him at all? He certainly is not generous with her - he calls her a thief if she takes nickels and dimes for bus fare. You have given really terrible advice here.

She should keep all her inheritance stashed away so she can build up a fund with which to extricate herself from this man.

LookingOldTheseDays · 27/01/2023 21:39

Stillcountingbeans · 27/01/2023 21:37

As an alternative to divorce, consider what his will says.

Does he have a will? If he doesn't, you will inherit all/most of his money and pension (not sure if the children may be entitled to a bit, if it is a big estate).

If he does have a will and you are the main beneficiary, you will be okay.
(There may be an inheritance advantage to getting half the house put in your name.)

However, if he is leaving his money directly to the children, what will you live on in retirement?
This is assuming no prior marriage or other children in the wings.

If you are not the main beneficiary, then get divorced, sooner rather than later.

WTF????

The OP isn't going to be that old, and neither is her DH. Do you think spending your entire life with an abusive piece of shit could be worthwhile if they leave you money when you're old? What if he outlives her?

Canthave2manycats · 27/01/2023 21:39

Your lovely mum had the measure of him, trust her judgement. She loved you and she wanted better for you. Take advantage of the opportunity your inheritance is giving you.

Any husband who calls his wife a thief for using coppers for a bus fare.... well, words fail me. Fucking absolutely nasty, abusive piece of work. While no doubt, he's been living the life of Riley, while keeping his wife and children in penury!

@ladywithnomanors please, please, open your eyes to this man. He doesn't have your best interests nor your children's best interests at heart. Why aren't you named on the mortgage? He's been financially abusing you for years.

I'm not one for LTB, but I doubt very much there is any way now for you to get your finances sorted out in a fair way.

Invest your inheritance and protect it. You know your wee mum would be turning in her grave if she thought that dickwad was getting any of it! x

aloris · 27/01/2023 21:41

"Nope.
He's going to come up with one thing after another until he spends all your money. Let him get a loan."

This.

ShimmeringShirts · 27/01/2023 21:41

Nope, don’t lend him the money. He would call you a thief for taking money from the copper jar for bus fare??

ManxRhyme · 27/01/2023 21:41

He has been financially abusing you for years. Don't give him a penny. He has the money for the bike but he wants to use yours to keep you dependent on him. Let him take a loan if he's threatening to.

When the kids have left home, use the legacy your mum left you and escape. This is why she left you the money and those instructions.

Shoogly · 27/01/2023 21:42

The bus fares, the mortgage, the lack of access to any money when you were equally contributing to the family through childcare, the controlling the holidays... this is not normal. It is controlling and scary.

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 27/01/2023 21:42

Newtonsnipple · 27/01/2023 21:15

The smartest financial thing you could do is divorce OP.

Get a great solicitor with thos esavings of your. Make your DM proud and take half of that house AND the power that he is holding over your head back for yourself.

No wonder she hated him.

Even if he wasn't a financially abusive prick...

This is so bizarre, him letting you struggle while he is raking it in (and blowing it all on blackjack and hookers if he hasn't got any bloody savings?!). I know some like to keep seperate finances, but surely that only work if both partners are on an equal footing and there are no dc or sacrifices being made by only one.

Whats his is his and what's your's is his too.

Take him to the fucking cleaners and get yourself a nice normal bloke.

^^ THIS!!!!! ^^

Schoolchoicesucks · 27/01/2023 21:42

Why doesn't he have £3.5k to pay his tax bill when he earns £80k?

How would he have paid it if you didn't have the inheritance?

£8.5k for a bike seems crazy money to me. If he can afford it then perhaps it's fair enough. But he can't afford it without borrowing (from you or the bank).

I'd be concerned about his finances (and knock on impact to yours) - he has a good income but seems to not have money to pay for essentials (tax bill) or luxuries (bike).

I don't think I'd be in a rush to lend him money as he doesn't seem to manage it very well.

However the concept of separate finances after 19 years is totally alien to me.

Stillcountingbeans · 27/01/2023 21:42

Also, don't give him a penny of your inheritance.
Do you see all his bank statements? Savings statements? Details of his investments and pensions? Do you know his exact financial position?
Thought not.
How do you know he doesn't have a stash of cash just waiting for him to pay for his tax bill and anything else he wants?

That inheritance is for YOU, to last you the rest of your life, come what may. It is your security and the ticket to your future.
Please, please don't fritter it away.
(Do use it to pay for a solicitor.)

saraclara · 27/01/2023 21:43

If he's earning £80k, how come it's take him 2.5 years to pay you back?

No. Not a chance. This is your money, your mum didn't trust him, and it sounds as though she was right not to. That copper jar story is chilling.

LookingOldTheseDays · 27/01/2023 21:43

OP - right now, with £87k in the bank, not locked away yet, this is the easiest it will ever be to leave him.

You have the money to sort a deposit on a rental while the divorce goes through, furnishings, legal fees, moving costs etc.

Do it. For your kids and you.

Veryxonfused · 27/01/2023 21:43

No. I wouldn't even want to be with this person.

ManxRhyme · 27/01/2023 21:44

And don't spend any money on the house either. Use it for a divorce lawyer and get your own place!

Zanatdy · 27/01/2023 21:44

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 21:11

Because during lockdown we were unsure of how much wage he would get

Show quote history

If you’re a SAHM it’s better to claim and repay via taxes for pension purposes

NewYearNewName2023 · 27/01/2023 21:44

The money for the tax bill, I would. That ridiculous amount on a bike? No chance as it is entirely a luxury item. He doesn't need it now, he can save for it

LookingOldTheseDays · 27/01/2023 21:44

ManxRhyme · 27/01/2023 21:41

He has been financially abusing you for years. Don't give him a penny. He has the money for the bike but he wants to use yours to keep you dependent on him. Let him take a loan if he's threatening to.

When the kids have left home, use the legacy your mum left you and escape. This is why she left you the money and those instructions.

Why would she wait until the kids have left home?

They are seeing their mother be financially abused - this is bad for them as well as her.