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Original poster

Should I lend my DH £13,000

429 replies

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:27

My DH and I have been together for 19 years. I had a good professional job when we met and I gave up said job after having children. I was then a sahm for 8 years while DH worked full time. During this time DH completely held the household purse strings as he was the one earning money.
Fast forward a few years and I got a minimum wage type part time job. By this time DH was earning £80,000 a year.
We have always had separate finances. He has been responsible for the main bills and I have paid council tax, water and sky.
We are married but the house is in his name.

I had a bereavement and have been left £87,000. I used a small amount to pay off a couple of credit cards i had but have left the majority in a savings account.

As I have a low paying job this money is a huge amount to me and i dont think I'll have this kind of lump sum in my account again.
Now to the question. DH has asked me to lend him 3.5k to pay his tax bill with the intent that he will get a bonus next month and he can pay me back. I am happy to do this. But he has now asked me to lend him £8.5k for a new triathlon pushbike. To me this is money we could spend on the house, a fantastic holiday for our family etc.
I have no doubt that he will pay me back - hes not the type to rip me off but it doesnt sit right with me. I couldn't spend this kind of money on a bike when we need a carpet upstairs etc. If i dont lend it to him he is hinting he will get a loan.
What do you think?
My Mum told me on her death bed not to let him have my money . They never got on.
Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 27/01/2023 21:27

CharcoalJeans · 27/01/2023 20:33

Why can’t he wait a month to buy the bike when he has his bonus? What’s the rush?

This. Remember your mum’s advice. It’s sound.

Iloveacurry · 27/01/2023 21:27

Let him get a loan. You could lead him the money but I think he won’t pay you back fully. Anyway, who spends £8.5k on themselves like that? I think he’s only asking because you do have the money!

FriNightBlues · 27/01/2023 21:28

How did the conversation go? “Sorry your Mum’s died. Can I have some of that money for a new bike?”

Irrespective of anything else, no decent person would ask a grieving spouse to hand over part of their inheritance for a TOY!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General money
ArcaneWireless · 27/01/2023 21:28

Your mam left you money. You.

nipples has a point.

Spend some of it on a solicitor.

Soubriquet · 27/01/2023 21:28

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 21:19

Yes he pays for and decides on all our holidays

Show quote history

Ok…what did you get a choice with?

If you really wanted to test the waters, loan him the money for the tax bill. Then if he turns round and says “I’m not paying you back. You got the money from CB anyway” there’s your answer.

Don’t give him another penny

LittleOwl153 · 27/01/2023 21:29

Your mother told you not to give him a penny as she sees him for what he is - a controlling abusive husband.

I would say no to the tax bill and the bike. You will never see that money back. He will say the tax bill was because you already had the cash sonics your bill, and the bike is his share of your inheritance because he has funded you all these years.

I'd get that money away somewhere in a trust fund or something - take some advice- then I'd divorce him and take him for half of everything he has kept from you. He is awful. And he has absolutely trained you to think this is acceptable/normal. It isn't.

BunchHarman · 27/01/2023 21:30

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:36

Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief.

Show quote history

Based on this, absolutely not. He’ll happily whip through your inheritance an you won’t get it back. He’ll probably wind up saying you ‘owe him’ because of being a SAHM…

pigsinoodies · 27/01/2023 21:30

Sotiredmjmmy · 27/01/2023 21:19

To those asking where all his money is and surely he must have lots of savings due to his salary - he is financing the family, where OP has had time at home not working and now in minimum wage job. His money has funded that, he may not have been good at sharing it with op but he seems to have paid the bills for a large family on his own, and it’s less money than 2 people earning £40k each. Can’t see how many people could do that and have good savings

That argument would hold water if he wasn't happy to spend £9k on a bike for himself.

If money's genuinely tight then the non-earner can sometimes perceive the perfectly reasonable worries of the main earner to be 'controlling'. He doesn't have the benefit of the doubt if he's willing to spend £9k on a bike for himself though.

Ellie56 · 27/01/2023 21:30

@ladywithnomanors

Listen to your lovely wise old mum. Don't lend him anything. You will never get it back.

chipolatasausages · 27/01/2023 21:30

Given your circumstances I'd say no. And I'd probably enjoy reminding him of the tight arse jar he had going on. Maybe buy him a kiddies savings jar so he can start saving properly now on ensuring he never needs a bus fare again??!

SnackyOnassis · 27/01/2023 21:31

This inheritance is your window to get out, OP. No bikes or treats for him, use it to set up an independent life.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/01/2023 21:31

a) Do not part with any of this money
b) Get legal advice. It may be possible to ringfence it so it does not become a marital asset, but don't touch it till you know for sure
c) this is an emergency/security fund for you and your children. Do NOT allow it to be frittered away on purchases/holidays/etc.

d) perhaps seek some counseling. He sounds selfish and controlling.

MysteryBelle · 27/01/2023 21:31

Your mother was a wise woman. Heed her sound advice. You will regret giving over even one penny of your money. And nobody needs an 8500 pound bike, sorry. Your husband won’t put the house in your name, only his, and wouldn’t let you have access to money all this time. I’m sorry, I cannot get over that. It is financial abuse at its worst. And now he’s trying to get you to hand over various amounts until he’s drained you dry of your mother’s money.

Please, please think. Not one penny. Let him flounder, take out loans, sulk, whatever. My real opinion on this is to drop him totally.

daisychain01 · 27/01/2023 21:32

I'm sorry to say it like this but you've had financial doormat stamped on your forehead all the time he was trousering £80K and being as tight as a duck's backside while you were bringing up the kids.

tell him to take out a loan, that's exactly what he would have said to you if you said you needed help to buy an expensive bike.

N4ish · 27/01/2023 21:32

I doubt he actually wants the bike or needs the tax bill paid. I imagine he’s threatened by the sudden power having an inheritance gives you and he wants to erode your savings so he can stay in control of you.

Your mum was right about him, don’t give him a penny.

rogueone · 27/01/2023 21:32

Why is your name not on the house? This man is financially abusing you- your mum saw that. Keep your money and spend it on speaking to a solicitor.

astarsheis · 27/01/2023 21:33

As a cyclist with a very expensive bike I say yes...as a wife (low earner) in a marriage where we have always had joined finances and a very generous DH (high earner) who didn't bat an eyelid to also let me have my very expensive bike and gives me all the time I want to ride it...I also say yes...just make sure you get your money back and also you treat yourself to equal value...whatever that may be

Zone2NorthLondon · 27/01/2023 21:33

@ladywithnomanors have read all your posts . He’s a ghastly boorish stingy bully
Your mum was right
If he wants a fancy bike he pays for it,not you

ColdHandsHotHead · 27/01/2023 21:33

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:36

Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief.

Show quote history

I was thinking 'no', because he earns plenty. why can't he save? Then I saw this and I've changed to 'no way!'

Thelnebriati · 27/01/2023 21:33

N4ish
I doubt he actually wants the bike or needs the tax bill paid. I imagine he’s threatened by the sudden power having an inheritance gives you and he wants to erode your savings so he can stay in control of you.

Nish is right. It won't be a loan, he won't pay it back.

MagnoliaMix · 27/01/2023 21:34

OP, I'm sorry for the nastiness of some posters. Please don't let it affect you.

To me it seems obvious you shouldn't lend him the money. This is your one and only lump sum, and you don't want to blow it in an expensive bike. Let him save for a bike if that's what he wants.

It does make me suspicious that first he asked for a lion for the tax, and now for the bike. It sounds to me as tough he can't bear to keep his hands off your lump sum. You may not get it back. And even if you - it's not his to fritter. Don't risk it.

Newtonsnipple · 27/01/2023 21:34

N4ish · 27/01/2023 21:32

I doubt he actually wants the bike or needs the tax bill paid. I imagine he’s threatened by the sudden power having an inheritance gives you and he wants to erode your savings so he can stay in control of you.

Your mum was right about him, don’t give him a penny.

Absolutely this.

He just wants to start eating into that massive threat to him and getting her back under complete control.

aloris · 27/01/2023 21:34

You have no access to cash except your savings and now he wants to raid your savings to pay for a pleasure activity for himself? When he called you a thief for taking spare change for the bus? Why on earth would you even consider his request? Why would you think he would treat you honestly in his statement that he would pay the money back? How is it that with his high salary he doesn't have the savings to buy his own bike?

I bet he's not planning to pay you interest on the money he wants to borrow from you. I bet at some point he will decide to stop paying you back with some pretext like he generously paid for this or that vacation (of his choice, of course). Once he has your money in his pocket you will never see it again.

ChristianAidy · 27/01/2023 21:35

Yet another thread about money. If you are married, everything is shared. He hasn't shared everything, so he clearly doesn't understand what marriage is about. That being the case, I'd take my inheritance and my children and leave.

LemonSwan · 27/01/2023 21:36

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:36

Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief.

Show quote history

Whattt!

Absolutely not. Remind him of the bus fare and jar.

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