Some of your situation reminds me of mine and DH's situation, OP. Most doesn't. I'll describe:
DH is by FAR the bigger earner. Always did very very irregular hours but before kids this didn't matter too much and the salary difference wasn't as much. Date night plans often went awry at the last minute cos of his hours but it was more a pain than anything else. He paid ALL the mortgage from his account (but the mortgage we were both named on and joint owners on the house), we split all the other bills with a joint "bills" account (including food) and holidays we split equally too.
After kids his hours were problematic so we agreed that I would be a SAHP for a few years. We swapped our joint "bills" account to a joint "savings" account which only he paid into (a small amount each month, for household emergencies), and immediately, DH took on ALL the bills from his current account. He gave me a card for his main current account so that I was a joint account holder and told me to spend what was needed on it. So all thefamily shopping that I did came out of his account (via my card on it). He didn't want me asking him for money that would be spent on us as a family when I had given up my job to stay at home to care for our children. He recognised that his job impeded my ability to earn while they were little.
All I spent on my own separate current account was clothes and haircuts for myself (we agreed that the child benefit would be paid to my account but that I would just use that for my own haircuts etc and to buy birthday presents/day to day spend/some of children's costs, because in effect that money for the children would be coming out of "his" account anyway).
I slowly increased my working hours but have never earned much compared to him. We got an extension on our house so added to our mortgage and I paid the additional amount while he carried on paying the main amount on his own. He STILL pays ALL the bills. I pay for all our family holidays, my car and petrol, and most of the kids' expenses (and my own stuff).
I came into a large inheritance and have kept it in my own separate accounts but have paid off our joint mortgage and a lot will be spent on the kids uni costs and deposits towards first house etc. I gave DH money towards a car and will again when it needs replacing. Gave, not lent.. There is some left for our retirement, and what is left I see as "ours". So it could allow him to retire a year or two earlier, for example, as I will cover expenses. Because he covered most of ours all these years.
Do you see the differences? Yes, we have had our own separate accounts at times for practicalities/savings purposes but mainly we have viewed everything as joint. Because we are married. We are a team. We both recognised the value that the other brought to the family, even if it was non-monetary. We share expenses even if at times it has seemed one-sided. And we trust one another not to spend on fripperies, without consulting the other. We discuss what is fair when it comes to spending. He was generous when I had nothing, and I will be generous when he will have minimal if he wants to retire early.
Give and take. I can't be doing with all this separating of spending and separate accounts and "lending"" money that I hear some married couples talking about. I'm afraid your financial arrangements would not have been for me, OP, and I would have been long gone.