Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Should I lend my DH £13,000

429 replies

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:27

My DH and I have been together for 19 years. I had a good professional job when we met and I gave up said job after having children. I was then a sahm for 8 years while DH worked full time. During this time DH completely held the household purse strings as he was the one earning money.
Fast forward a few years and I got a minimum wage type part time job. By this time DH was earning £80,000 a year.
We have always had separate finances. He has been responsible for the main bills and I have paid council tax, water and sky.
We are married but the house is in his name.

I had a bereavement and have been left £87,000. I used a small amount to pay off a couple of credit cards i had but have left the majority in a savings account.

As I have a low paying job this money is a huge amount to me and i dont think I'll have this kind of lump sum in my account again.
Now to the question. DH has asked me to lend him 3.5k to pay his tax bill with the intent that he will get a bonus next month and he can pay me back. I am happy to do this. But he has now asked me to lend him £8.5k for a new triathlon pushbike. To me this is money we could spend on the house, a fantastic holiday for our family etc.
I have no doubt that he will pay me back - hes not the type to rip me off but it doesnt sit right with me. I couldn't spend this kind of money on a bike when we need a carpet upstairs etc. If i dont lend it to him he is hinting he will get a loan.
What do you think?
My Mum told me on her death bed not to let him have my money . They never got on.
Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
LookingOldTheseDays · 27/01/2023 21:18

Sotiredmjmmy · 27/01/2023 21:16

You can claim but opt out of receiving the payments so don’t have the hassle of receiving the money and then having to pay it back to HMRC ages later. Can also restart the payments at any time if circumstances change etc

Show quote history

But the OP needs the money! Even with the CB, she's ending up in debt because her husband is financially abusive.

Advicerequest · 27/01/2023 21:18

Eastereggsboxedupready · 27/01/2023 20:37

We have separate finances.. Once loaned dh a small amount for a car. Big drama every month about paying me back. He begrudged doing so. Yet he had a ppi payout he kept to himself. No comment from me at all.

Please don't loan or give him this money

edwinbear · 27/01/2023 21:18

He can’t afford an £8.5k bike. If he has to borrow -either from you, or from anyone else, he can’t afford it. Is his bonus guaranteed? What if he loses his job whilst he’s paying you back for his bike? He sees your inheritance as his windfall, which he can piss away on an overpriced bike. This is something he wants, not something he needs. He needs to save up for it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General money
BitOutOfPractice · 27/01/2023 21:19

He called you a thief when you took money from his change jar when you were a sahm? He called you thief?!?! Op this is not a good man. By. A. Long. Stretch.

Emotionalsupportviper · 27/01/2023 21:19

Lend the money if he puts the house in joint names.

You should have half anyway - if you hadn't taken care of the children you have together, and kept house, those services would have had to be paid for. You would have had a much better paying job and he would have had less disposable personal income.

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 21:19

emptythelitterbox · 27/01/2023 21:16

Listen to your mum. She saw his true colors, a greedy controlling arse.

Don't lend him anything. You'll never see it again.

What does he do with all his money?

Have you had anything luxurious like a 9k bike?

Holidays and big purchases, does he decide on those too?

Yes he pays for and decides on all our holidays

OP posts:
Sotiredmjmmy · 27/01/2023 21:19

To those asking where all his money is and surely he must have lots of savings due to his salary - he is financing the family, where OP has had time at home not working and now in minimum wage job. His money has funded that, he may not have been good at sharing it with op but he seems to have paid the bills for a large family on his own, and it’s less money than 2 people earning £40k each. Can’t see how many people could do that and have good savings

Quartz2208 · 27/01/2023 21:19

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 21:15

No

Show quote history

do you now have any access to anything of his

Puppers · 27/01/2023 21:20

thestealthwee · 27/01/2023 20:57

This

Seems a bit rich don't you think. You pay minimal bills and work for minimal pay and "expect" him to pick up the costs of supporting the family financially and now you are quibbling over this money?

I don't agree in spending/wasting such a large sum on an item like a bike but that aside the sentiment is that you are happy for him to pay 90% of the costs of funding your family - his salary was "yours" as a family but your money is now your own?

Show quote history

You've missed the entire point of the thread. His salary wasn't money for the whole family; he kept all the cash. She didn't have access to any of it.

Guiltycat · 27/01/2023 21:20

He sounds like the most horrifically abusive arse op, i'm so sorry. your life shouldn't be like this.

He sounds such a prick I wouldn't be shocked if he wanted to use your inheritance to get that stupidly expensive bike as a last 'fuck you' to your dear departed mum, the only woman to apparently see straight through him.

gamerchick · 27/01/2023 21:21

It's doing his head in you have a decent chunk of change he doesn't have access too OP. Tell him no to the bike. He just wants to spend it because he can't.

HermioneKipper · 27/01/2023 21:22

This is AWFUL.

Leave the awful tight bastard and certainly don’t buy him bloody treats with your mum’s money.

Get a shit hot lawyer and take half the house

ladydiggins · 27/01/2023 21:22

Ugh no.

pleasehelpwi3 · 27/01/2023 21:22

Each to their own of course we how they run their lives....
We have completely integrated finances-no controlling or judging, apart from gentle teasing about what we spend on (weird hobby vs face creams and handbags) but the thought of lending each other money seems downright bizarre. But of course I understand why in some relationships it might be sensible to keep some access to cash a secret

ThePoshUns · 27/01/2023 21:22

I find it hard to advise as my husband and I only have a joint account so all our income is 'ours' despite him being a higher earner. He has recently had a small inheritance. I wanted him to buy himself something but he's insisting it's a joint decision. I can't contemplate having his or hers finances.

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 21:23

Quartz2208 · 27/01/2023 21:19

do you now have any access to anything of his

Show quote history

No. I have no access to any of his cash. Only my accounts.

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 27/01/2023 21:23

I've just read the bit where he called you a thief!

HE CALLED YOU A THIEF! 😡

Use your mum's money to get a lawyer and divorce him. Take him for every penny you can - and lend him NOWT!

AcrossthePond55 · 27/01/2023 21:23

Only read OP's posts, sorry if I'm repeating others.

Absolutely no. He's been financially abusive in the past, he probably still is. NEVER loan money to someone who is that selfish and/or for whom giving or withholding money is a 'power trip'. You 'lend' him money to pay back over time and any time he gets pissed off with you he's going to cancel his 'monthly payment' to punish you. Next he'll start saying "I can't pay this month because XYZ expense happened". Soon he'll find a reason why he shouldn't have to repay you at all. Perhaps he'll say "I've paid more for family expenses so the money you 'gave' me evens things out" or "You didn't lend it to me, you gave it to me remember?". So you think "Oh, but what will he do if I refuse?". He may get angry, but you'll still have your money. Because at some point he's going to ask for another 'loan' or as above, he'll 'cancel' the loan. You'll argue, he'll get angry and you won't have your money. I'd rather have my money and his anger than no money and his anger.

It's also a slippery slope, you lend him money today, he'll keep asking. I don't think for a moment that he doesn't have the money for the taxes or the ability to save for his 'toy'. He just doesn't want to dip his finger into his own money pot when he can dip his fingers into yours and keep his.

You say your mother 'never liked him'. You need to stop and think about why and be brutally honest about it. I'd say she saw him more clearly than you did. The day may come when you need that money to get the Hell out of Dodge.

Flipthefrugal · 27/01/2023 21:24

Please,please do not give this man any of your money.
I can see him slowly getting you to " lend" it to him and eventually it will all be gone.
Put it somewhere safe such as Premium Bonds, ( 50K max) and a fixed account with no withdrawals do it online so no paper statements and ensure your phone is locked via your fingerprint and really obscure password.
Disable pop up screen notifications.
This is terrible

BitOutOfPractice · 27/01/2023 21:24

Op I hope the scales sss falling from your eyes.

blueshoes · 27/01/2023 21:25

OP, was the inheritance from your mother? You mentioned her telling you on her death bed not to give him money so I am assuming the bereavement which resulted in the inheritance is from your mother.

If so, speaking as a mother, if I thought my dd was vulnerable in any way (and you are because you are financially dependent on your dh whom she does not trust), I would make sure my dd was set up on my death. She would have given it to you as your running away money.

Keep it, 'sew it into your dress', use it to protect yourself and the dcs.

Find some excuse not to lend him.

LookingOldTheseDays · 27/01/2023 21:25

I know that this is hindsight for you OP, but for the benefit of anyone else who is reading - never, ever, ever be a SAHM for a man who expects to to maintain separate finances and control your access to money while you do all the childcare and housework.

mewkins · 27/01/2023 21:26

Newtonsnipple · 27/01/2023 21:15

The smartest financial thing you could do is divorce OP.

Get a great solicitor with thos esavings of your. Make your DM proud and take half of that house AND the power that he is holding over your head back for yourself.

No wonder she hated him.

Even if he wasn't a financially abusive prick...

This is so bizarre, him letting you struggle while he is raking it in (and blowing it all on blackjack and hookers if he hasn't got any bloody savings?!). I know some like to keep seperate finances, but surely that only work if both partners are on an equal footing and there are no dc or sacrifices being made by only one.

Whats his is his and what's your's is his too.

Take him to the fucking cleaners and get yourself a nice normal bloke.

Sensible advice.

ArcaneWireless · 27/01/2023 21:26

So what is to say he hasn’t got the money to see to this himself OP?

What if he that this is just what he deserves from your inheritance to stop him dipping his own money?

Nope. Nope. And thrice Nope.

MysteryBelle · 27/01/2023 21:26

I think you should honor your mother’s wishes.

You should have had free access to the household money while you were a sahm. You didn’t even do the grocery shopping??

His money should have gone into one shared account that you could access.

The house should be in both your names.

Do not give him one penny of your money. Tell him you decide where your money goes, not him. Remind him that he decided where his money went and still goes, and that you have had no say whatsoever. So be it. No, don’t lend him any money for any reason.