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Original poster

Should I lend my DH £13,000

429 replies

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:27

My DH and I have been together for 19 years. I had a good professional job when we met and I gave up said job after having children. I was then a sahm for 8 years while DH worked full time. During this time DH completely held the household purse strings as he was the one earning money.
Fast forward a few years and I got a minimum wage type part time job. By this time DH was earning £80,000 a year.
We have always had separate finances. He has been responsible for the main bills and I have paid council tax, water and sky.
We are married but the house is in his name.

I had a bereavement and have been left £87,000. I used a small amount to pay off a couple of credit cards i had but have left the majority in a savings account.

As I have a low paying job this money is a huge amount to me and i dont think I'll have this kind of lump sum in my account again.
Now to the question. DH has asked me to lend him 3.5k to pay his tax bill with the intent that he will get a bonus next month and he can pay me back. I am happy to do this. But he has now asked me to lend him £8.5k for a new triathlon pushbike. To me this is money we could spend on the house, a fantastic holiday for our family etc.
I have no doubt that he will pay me back - hes not the type to rip me off but it doesnt sit right with me. I couldn't spend this kind of money on a bike when we need a carpet upstairs etc. If i dont lend it to him he is hinting he will get a loan.
What do you think?
My Mum told me on her death bed not to let him have my money . They never got on.
Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
Orangery21 · 27/01/2023 22:19

Use the money to leave him, he is a loser.

StickofVeg · 27/01/2023 22:20

No way should you lend it - the house isn't even in joint names. He can get a loan for the tax and wait for the bike.

Sugarfree23 · 27/01/2023 22:22

Op he sounds financially abusive and will keep borrowing never paying you back.

Your Mum had the measure of him. Listen to her. Put that money into a Lifetime ISA. So you get the best return on it. And it's locked away.

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General money
Starlitestarbright · 27/01/2023 22:22

He sounds financially abusive if my dh was on 80k he wouldn't be expect to pay council tax the sky and water from my minium.wage job. He would be giving me extra money for myself and the family. Let alone trying to take any inheritance.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 27/01/2023 22:22

So you pay council tax, water and sky so 2 to 300 a month snd he pays for everything and now has a 3.5k bill that you received in payments which would have nearly covered your part in bills, tbf I think you are taking the piss a bit but at the same time I wouldn't ever lend anyone 8.5k for a bike, but if you split you both get half of whatever each over has anyway

Namechangethisonetime · 27/01/2023 22:26

If he earns 80k/year, then he can afford to finance the bike. Let him.

And, are you sure he is not able to salary sacrifice/purchase the bike tax free through his employer? I would tell him to look into this option.

user1487768885 · 27/01/2023 22:28

8.5k on a bike & he's only on what? 100k a year? No way! My dh & I are both on over 500k a year. 8.5k on a bike a firm no. I mean either way is over 10% of his take home pay. How can one ever justify on that?

Thoughtful2355 · 27/01/2023 22:29

No way would I share a penny. He wouldn't share with you so why would you share with him.

AnnaZofia · 27/01/2023 22:32

No. He sounds controlling and abusive and not at all good for you.

Divorce him and take him to the cleaners.

TattiePants · 27/01/2023 22:33

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:37

The tax bill is child benefit that i received.

Show quote history

No to lending him money for a bike and no to the tax bill. He should have completed his self assessment by the December deadline. Then it would have been deducted from next year’s tax code and he wouldn’t have had a large tax bill to find in one go. He’s messed up, leave him to deal with it.

bobbytorq · 27/01/2023 22:34

I don't understand separate finances in a marriage so I can't comment on what you should do.

aloris · 27/01/2023 22:35

astarsheis · 27/01/2023 22:03

Look...From what I've read on this thread, if I was OP, I would have packed up a while ago. If you're not a team in a marriage financially and emotionally it's not worth staying.The whole separate accounts/higher earner/lower earner makes up way too much volume on MN. I have been married to the same man for 37 years for all the right reasons...and I love my very expensive bike...happy wife...happy life.😉

Show quote history

And considering that your husband is generous with you, how on earth is your situation even remotely comparable to hers to be recommending that she lend him the money for the bike?

Bs0u416d · 27/01/2023 22:36

I would. I personally thing what's mine is his and visa versa. I once had my receptionist at work coming to find me as DP was on the phone and I thought something dreadful had happened. He had actually just finished a night shift, was in the Audi garage and wanted a deposit for his new car 😂

Snugglemonkey · 27/01/2023 22:38

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:36

Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief.

Show quote history

Then no fucking way would I lend any money to him. Why are you not jointly owning the house? He has not demonstrated that he is properly committed. Yes you have been together a long time, but no-one should be getting any bike if you need family things like a carpet. He is selfish and you need to protect yourself.

WilsonMilson · 27/01/2023 22:40

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; what the fuck are married couples who separate their finances playing at? It’s so weird to me. It’s so transactional, so against the spirit of marriage.

In this case, no I wouldn’t give him the money for the bike - £8.5k is an insane amount of money to spend and could be used for family expenses or holidays. As for the tax bill, I probably would, but I’d wonder why he isn’t managing his finances to be able to pay for it himself. What about savings, do you even know what he has?

You say he held the purse strings while you were a sahm- what do you mean? Did you you have to ask him for money? Just bizarre.

youtwoandme · 27/01/2023 22:40

Could he have secret debt OP??

Zuma76 · 27/01/2023 22:41

I’d probably say yes to tax bill but it’s a one off and won’t happen next year ambit no to the bike. That too much money for a bike. He is not earning the type of money he can really afford to splurge on a bike. You will find it impossible to hold him to the loan agreement. And if you do loan him the money. It will just be the first of many asks. I’d say I’ve got £10k in normal savings and out the rest away in bonds.

theworldhas · 27/01/2023 22:42

I don't understand separate finances in a marriage so I can't comment on what you should do

Me neither. I guess if it’s a 2nd/3rd marriage etc without children then I can see the logic to an extent in some cases. But people having kids together being willing to merge their DNA, time and future but not their cash always strikes me as weird, but of course to each their own. 😅

Snugglemonkey · 27/01/2023 22:42

Oakbeam · 27/01/2023 20:43

Why is the house just in his name by the way?

After 19 years of marriage why does it matter whose name it’s in?

To me it is just what that symbolises. This is my house, not ours. It would make me deeply uncomfortable.

Clouds3898 · 27/01/2023 22:42

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:36

Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief.

Show quote history

WTAF?
put the £87k in a pension in your sole name

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 22:44

WilsonMilson · 27/01/2023 22:40

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; what the fuck are married couples who separate their finances playing at? It’s so weird to me. It’s so transactional, so against the spirit of marriage.

In this case, no I wouldn’t give him the money for the bike - £8.5k is an insane amount of money to spend and could be used for family expenses or holidays. As for the tax bill, I probably would, but I’d wonder why he isn’t managing his finances to be able to pay for it himself. What about savings, do you even know what he has?

You say he held the purse strings while you were a sahm- what do you mean? Did you you have to ask him for money? Just bizarre.

Yes i had to ask.I had no money of my own.

OP posts:
StrawberryAnnie · 27/01/2023 22:46

thestealthwee · 27/01/2023 20:57

This

Seems a bit rich don't you think. You pay minimal bills and work for minimal pay and "expect" him to pick up the costs of supporting the family financially and now you are quibbling over this money?

I don't agree in spending/wasting such a large sum on an item like a bike but that aside the sentiment is that you are happy for him to pay 90% of the costs of funding your family - his salary was "yours" as a family but your money is now your own?

Show quote history

I’m at a loss here ..

How on earth could someone not understand the impact of a career break on someone’s earning potential? The value and worth that being a SAHM and putting her career on the back burner has enabled her husband to earn.

Without OP being at home and sacrificing her own career and prospects , it’s unlikely her husband would have been able to focus on his career and improve his salary.

I believe money should be pooled to benefit the whole family. However, that doesn’t mean that one person in a partnership is entitled to spend THOUSANDS of pounds more on their own personal hobbies while the other doesn’t get the same opportunity .

OP has already indicated there are things that this inheritance money could to be spent on- carpets for the home etc. Carpets for the house are not her personal possessions, unlike a state of the art bike for her husband

Why should OP’s inheritance pay for her while husband’s new toy and she has not had the same opportunity to use family money in the same way??

He has set the precedent here.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 27/01/2023 22:47

Your Mum certainly saw his true colours before you did
Don't lend him a penny
There's nothing shared in your marriage I'm sorry
Can you see a happy future with this man?

Snugglemonkey · 27/01/2023 22:47

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/01/2023 20:59

Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief.

Fuck him and the bike he won't be riding in on.

I'd use the money for a lawyer.

👍

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/01/2023 22:48

Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief.

In which case I would take your lovely mother's money and I would get the fuck out of that relationship.

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