Should I lend my DH £13,000

[ladywithnomanors]

My DH and I have been together for 19 years. I had a good professional job when we met and I gave up said job after having children. I was then a sahm for 8 years while DH worked full time. During this time DH completely held the household purse strings as he was the one earning money.
Fast forward a few years and I got a minimum wage type part time job. By this time DH was earning £80,000 a year.
We have always had separate finances. He has been responsible for the main bills and I have paid council tax, water and sky.
We are married but the house is in his name.

I had a bereavement and have been left £87,000. I used a small amount to pay off a couple of credit cards i had but have left the majority in a savings account.

As I have a low paying job this money is a huge amount to me and i dont think I'll have this kind of lump sum in my account again.
Now to the question. DH has asked me to lend him 3.5k to pay his tax bill with the intent that he will get a bonus next month and he can pay me back. I am happy to do this. But he has now asked me to lend him £8.5k for a new triathlon pushbike. To me this is money we could spend on the house, a fantastic holiday for our family etc.
I have no doubt that he will pay me back - hes not the type to rip me off but it doesnt sit right with me. I couldn't spend this kind of money on a bike when we need a carpet upstairs etc. If i dont lend it to him he is hinting he will get a loan.
What do you think?
My Mum told me on her death bed not to let him have my money . They never got on.
Sorry for long post.

And what happens if, in a few years, he decides he wants a new wife to go with the new bike?

You will have given him all of your mam's money and won't have a penny to your name. You and your children will be totally at his mercy.

And you know already how tight he is.

My DH bought a crappy second hand bike off someone who was buying a very fancy one. He then beat the guy who sold him the crappy bike in a race, on his old bike, while the guy was on his flash new one. We did laugh. If he wants a flash bike he can buy it when he has the cash. Or he can just do some training and get faster that way.
Keep your money to yourself, like your DH has done.

I hate reading how awful some couple's financial arrangements are. It astounds me.

When it comes to amateur sports, I've often noticed that the posher the equipment, the crapper the sportsman.

(And it nearly i always a man . . all style and no substance)

But @astarsheis she’s not either of those things. She’s neither the owner of an expensive bike nor the wife of a generous husband. So your advice is moot.

it’s the husband that wants an 8000 quid bike from his wife’s money. And he’s kept her short for essentials.

puts a whole new slant on it doesn’t it?

Keep that money, it's your fuck off fund. Also 8.5k on a bike is ridiculous.

I'd listen to your Mum if I was you - sounds like she was trying to protect you.

He's not rushing to hand over 40k though is he so he can live by his own rules now.

I haven't read the whole thread, only your posts.

Each post that I've read makes me shudder that little bit more.
As it stands, he wants to borrow around £8k for some fancy pants bike . He earns around £87k .

Why can't he just buy his bike?

There's so much more that I could nit pick but basically, he's been spending his money bar paying for the bare minimum. You've had a splendid, albeit sad, windfall and he suddenly needs some of your windfall?

He treats you as subservient to him.

I'd be taking this money and setting yourself up on your own.

Look...From what I've read on this thread, if I was OP, I would have packed up a while ago. If you're not a team in a marriage financially and emotionally it's not worth staying.The whole separate accounts/higher earner/lower earner makes up way too much volume on MN. I have been married to the same man for 37 years for all the right reasons...and I love my very expensive bike...happy wife...happy life.😉

Your DH is financially controlling you, the calling you a thief over loose change, controlling the shopping etc, your mum had his measure didn’t she? You get your inheritance, so that gives you options now you aren’t totally financially dependent on him any more, the quickest thing your DH can think of to restore your financial inequity is “ borrow” money off you. These 2 requests are probably just the start. It’s not even for family expenses it’s all about him isn’t it? You know that he won’t pay you back , even over years, and will make you feel guilty about expecting him to.
My DH and I pool all our earnings and within reason I can buy whatever I want as can he, any extra bits of money goes into the family pot. Neither of us controls the other.

It’s all about him isn’t it. What he wants. Has he even asked you what you would like to spend the money on and encouraged you to get a nice treat for yourself that would be a nice memory of your mum? That’s what I would do if my DHs mum passed away and left him money.

Also your DC are clearly still at home. Does he spend much time looking after them or will this bike simply increase the burden of running the house on you??

I don’t understand why he doesn’t have the tax money saved either.

@MeinKraft nope - that was my point really. It astounds me how many women put up with such outrageous, open financial abuse.

Your financial abuser wants you to lend him some money.

She needs to get advice first. Because they're married, so he could theoretically claim half of that inheritance of they split up. It might be that if she gets out of the marriage very soon, he might not be able to touch it. But I'm far fromm certain.

OP, seriously, get some (free if necessary) advice on how to protect your mum's money from him if you decide to leave..

Good luck with it OP. Quick question - How is your NHS pension going to be so amazing with an 8 year gap and most of it on (full time?) minimum wage? Are you clear what you will get? I mean I know its a great scheme and you have more years to go but career gaps and part time are a killer on the total.

Take heed of you Mother. She was obviously a very sensible lady and must have been so sad watching him control you with his money all these years.

Financial abuse. I’ve been in your situation as a sahm parent (kids with disabilities) and now working in a low paid part time job but all the money goes into one pot. Finances are open. Anything we earn is both of ours (husband is a high earner).

Your husband sounds awful. Personally I’d use your inheritance to put a deposit down on another house. He’s vile. You’ve been together such a long time and yet he treats you like this. It won’t get better. Do not give him the money for the bike as that’s a ridiculous purchase and you’ll never see it back.

He is trying to spend your money because it means you have choices. Don't spend your choices on his bike. And don't pay his tax bill. God I hate a tightarse.

No, I wouldn’t lend him the money. Your mum didn’t want him to have any of it and it seems with good reason. Save it for yourself and your children. Xx

Make an excuse. Pretend that the money is stuck in an account that you can’t access for 30/60 days. This way you are not saying no but you don’t give him the £. He sounds like my ex… him a big earner. Me a SAHM. No money from him to me. 18 years together. 3 kids. My mum said don’t let him know you have £10k savings. When he found out he took it and bought a motorcycle with it. Took me 3 years to get the money back. Then only because I wouldn’t let it drop. He refused to put my name on the house deeds after we were married with kid… red flag number one. He refused to tell me his earnings. He got me working for him, mostly unpaid. I gave up my job to look after kids, so no more income and no more pension contributions. After 18 years of misery I gave up. Left. He immediately changed the locks. Chucked my stuff out. Never helped a bean financially. Took me 2 years to get on my feet. Luckily I had my £10k… this brought me a car and enabled me to pay my solicitor for her first month… the rest I borrowed from my mum. Happily now, 4.5 years later, am on my feet. Mum will be reimbursed shortly. So, no, do not part with your nest egg/rainy day fund. But don’t say no… say you’ll look in to it… stall. Say it’s not possible, bank procedure issues. Wait till he has the money for his bike, then say you thought he could afford it now so cancelled the transaction. If I sound crafty, I learned it all from my ex.

Your mum gave you your running away money. Strange how she warned you not to him any. It's almost like she knew he was the type you look for it. Sounds like she had him sussed.

How likely are you to have another lump sum?
How do you ,as a couple, work your finances? Do you each get an equal allowance after bills?
If he can pay you back each month does this mean that he often has extra cash? Do you?
Do you get enough of a monthly allowance to consider an £8000 pleasure purchase.
Cant he buy a second hand one on eBay…with his own money?
Making a few assumptions but if you hadn’t received this windfall you would be worrying about taking coppers from ‘his’ change pot while he’s perusing high end hobbies.
All seems a bit off.
would go with a ‘No’ and put the cash in a high interest account or maybe premium bonds Xx

Even if she lost half the inheritance, she'd get at least half the house (probably more as she's primary carer), child maintenance, and freedom! She'd be masses better off.

The thread answers literally every questioned you've asked.

She's being financially abused.