I'm sure 15 ds has inattentive ADHD and his life is ruined

[Ohthebanality]

Ds is 15, has always struggled at school, organising his things, his homework, not doing homework, not remembering stuff. Losing things constantly. Remembering passwords for educake and teams has been a nightmare. I have to do a lot for him, helping him to be organised. Teachers always say how lovely and well behaved he is, how engaged he is in class. He goes to a very big school. I've raised concerns with school lots of times, I'm worried that at home when trying to homework, he just hasn't got a clue what he's doing and can't seem to remember anything he's learnt.
His mock exam results for December were awful, 1s and 2s. Last year his estimated grades were 3s and 4s. He has no clue what he wants to do in September. I think he would be happy to stay in his room forever and not go out. He is also very withdrawn socially and doesn't see friends or talk to them out of school. He used to.
We were told by the teacher we saw this week that he must revise an hour a day at least. I tried to explain that he can't revise, can't organise himself.
I have basically had to sit down with him and find myself trying to teach him the stuff myself.
I have mental health problems myself and was told I fit the criteria for autism last year. Straightaway I thought of DS. He has been referred for an autism assessment. But now I'm sure it is also or ADHD. But it's too late now for him, in his final year and poor GCSEs?
I'm distraught to be honest but don't know if I'm overreacting.

Also school are constantly giving him detentions for being late and forgetting equipment, it is almost like a school joke that everyone knows how late he always is, but the detentions are just making life harder for him.

It is not too late and his life is not ruined. There is help to be had although it takes a long time to get there. Take courage. Others will be along to offer more help in terms of concrete steps you can take now and in the future.

But he needed the help years ago and didn't get out. The most important year of his life and he is struggling so much, but is also completely oblivious almost to his future. Feel so let down by the school too.

Get it

His life isn’t ruined, he’s going to take a little longer to reach his destination.
What are his options for posts 16? Have you got a college that does level 2 courses such a btecs? Consider applying for an EHCP now so he starts next school year with support.

You actually have no idea! Please please stop posting your judgemental uninformed nonsense!

Or better still go and do some research! 🤬

@barneshome oh dear please don't post comments like that. I don't want my son to be a genius or a successful high flying whatever. Just not to sit at home in his room forever with no job or future.

Yes it’s not ideal right now. He will have some setbacks in the short term whilst you get it sorted for him to get the help he needs. But long term his life really does not need to be fundamentally ruined.

I’ve (undiagnosed as yet, but almost certain by now) very likely got inattentive ADHD. It has made some aspects of my life very difficult, although not academically so I appreciate it’s not the same as your son’s situation. However things have worked out more than okay. There will be a key for your son, the trick is in finding it. As I said, others will be along to give you advice on accessing help.

I do think you’re catastrophising a bit. He needs support and it’s unfortunate it’s come to head this year, but also not surprising. He can resit exams, study on into adulthood, do a degree as a mature student - if he doesn’t get good results this year there are practically unlimited ways for him to achieve. I’d focus on getting him assessed and getting supports in place because that’s what will make a difference in the medium to long term.

I know it seems like the end of the world now but he is still so young. You need to readjust your expectations. My advice would Be for the school careers service to sit down with your son and identify a future that appeals to him. I.e college, uni, apprenticeship or work. Then cut back all academic work to the minimum required for that route. Ask school for extra learning support and if you can afford it tutors. He can resit if necessary or adjust what he is going to do. The key is making him want to achieve and being really positive. If he doesn’t engage with the bare minimum just now, please remember he is young and there is still time for him to find his way in the next few years.

try and gently encourage reengaging socially. They tend to withdraw to their rooms as that is were they feel safe but it won’t be making him happy

good luck and take care of yourself

@Skiphopbump The sixth form does a foundation course, and there is a local college in town that does all kinds of courses, Level 1s even. But DS hates going to town, he struggles to pay for stuff with a card, all kinds of things, getting buses. I'm just worried sick.

Some colleges offer one year courses for children who have struggled. The one near me does employability skills such as CV writing, interview skills plus life skills such as cookery and also they do taster sessions of the courses available when that year is over.

I ended up waiting until DD was 16 and paid for her to have a SPLD assessment.

Fortunately the youngest raised that she thought she had ADHD and was assessed and diagnosed within a year when she was 15.

@Ohthebanality his life isn't ruined! He's just potentially on the slightly more scenic route to achieving his goals. It doesn't matter! Nobody is written off for poor gcse results if indeed he gets them. Worst case scenario he resits either at school or college. Same with any further qualifications.
The important thing is to understand his challenges and work on strategies that help him achieve his goals.
I am on the path to diagnosis of ADHD and ASD. I am mid thirties. Not knowing has been a disadvantage in life. But now I know I am learning new ways of handling my challenges everyday.

There are still lots of jobs that don’t need academic success to do, but it’s also the case that him struggling now doesn’t mean that there’s no route to him improving.

On the being late and forgetting things issue, that’s easy to fix. Get him to use a check-list of what he takes each day, help him to get his bag ready the night before, and get him out if the door in plenty of time to arrive early.

I agree.

I’m naturally very disorganised and easily distracted.

It’s taken me 5 years or so of slogging away to get routines going and learn how to organise myself. But, I had to want to do it and I didn’t before then.

Sorry posted too soon - happy to share techniques if you’re interested.

It does sound like he needs support. Contact the college SENCO and I’m sure they will find something that suits. If he gets an EHCP he may also be entitled to transport.

Nobody’s life is ruined at 15. Talk about melodramatic.

@Jellycatspyjamas I know yes I am catastrophising, I always do. I'm alway wary of this and when talking to school I have tried to downplay how concerned I am. Perhaps this was a mistake and if I had been pushier he would have got help sooner. He was assessed in primary school for additional needs but nothing really came of it.

I'm not an expert, so just ignore me if you wish.
The thing you can do as a parent now is, if he needs you sitting with him to revise, that's what I would do. If he's bothered by detention, make sure he doesn't get it by checking things with him, taking him to school if you must so he's not late. That's the least I would do as a parent, as well as have a proper meeting with school and teacher along with him to figure out what to do.

Sorry yes melodramatic, I'm not well though sorry.

As someone with late diagnosed ADHD, and who has struggled massively with anxiety depression because of it, and because of views like the one you've expressed, I would just like to say, go fuck yourself.

But the revising with him, and basically teaching him is making me more anxious and upset, and hence the melodrama. I didn't sleep last night hardly for worrying.