I'm sure 15 ds has inattentive ADHD and his life is ruined

[Ohthebanality]

Ds is 15, has always struggled at school, organising his things, his homework, not doing homework, not remembering stuff. Losing things constantly. Remembering passwords for educake and teams has been a nightmare. I have to do a lot for him, helping him to be organised. Teachers always say how lovely and well behaved he is, how engaged he is in class. He goes to a very big school. I've raised concerns with school lots of times, I'm worried that at home when trying to homework, he just hasn't got a clue what he's doing and can't seem to remember anything he's learnt.
His mock exam results for December were awful, 1s and 2s. Last year his estimated grades were 3s and 4s. He has no clue what he wants to do in September. I think he would be happy to stay in his room forever and not go out. He is also very withdrawn socially and doesn't see friends or talk to them out of school. He used to.
We were told by the teacher we saw this week that he must revise an hour a day at least. I tried to explain that he can't revise, can't organise himself.
I have basically had to sit down with him and find myself trying to teach him the stuff myself.
I have mental health problems myself and was told I fit the criteria for autism last year. Straightaway I thought of DS. He has been referred for an autism assessment. But now I'm sure it is also or ADHD. But it's too late now for him, in his final year and poor GCSEs?
I'm distraught to be honest but don't know if I'm overreacting.

My 15 year old has just been referred for adhd assessment. It’s not too late!

@LIZS He has been having extra support sessions, he was getting extra help with Maths too. This was before the mocks. I'm looking into other courses for him, I'm hoping the sixth form will let him do the foundation course. And concentrate on revising Maths, Science and English.
Oh and his handwriting is awful too. I'm not sure if this is affecting his exams as it's so hard to read 😕

@Orcubed Ah, good luck 👍

The school has let you down I am sorry....but this is the most important year of his life but not because of his GCSEs. His GCSES are not the be all and end all - in fact maybe he is not cut out for A levels and would suit an apprentice better. The most important thing is to focus on seeing if you can get him to a 4 for both english and maths as its this that he needs for other opportunities but if not he can repeat his English and Maths classes with adult learning or a college.
Children's lives are not ruined because of their GCSE grades and this is why this year is so important for him....because you need to demonstrate to him that this is true - look for his other options - make sure he is down to be diagnosed.
I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD last year at the age of 53 and so were my teen twins. We do have exec function difficulties but we also have strengths like the ability to solve problems as our minds are inattentive only because we are thinking of five things at once. Look for this strengths and support him on his weaknesses. AND I would be kicking up all hell if he is showing exec function problems at school and being punished for what is effectively his disability.

@NewFriday Yes I sometimes think that about men and boys!

If he is a gamer is touchtyping for exams an option? Meet the exams officer and ask what adjustments and access arrangements can still be put in place.

@HippyChickMama Yes I've always been a drifter too, I did well in my GCSEs. I went to University (twice) in my twenties and dropped out both times in the first year, I found it too overwhelming with having my older son too. And I just felt lost too. I've never had any ambitions either really. I always just thought I was incredibly lazy.

@HippyChickMama I will try the Adapt app, thanks.

I would talk the school fairly urgently about your concerns - both about his behaviour and revision.

I would ask his form tutor / Head of year to put together a revision plan for him so he knows what he should be doing which takes away the vagueness of just revising and please pm me if you'd like any help with this - I downloaded the specification from each subject and the exam board and then RAGd so red amber green for each topic depending on how well they know it - it's a pain and took me a day to do but my daughter knows where to go.

I'd ask them to go lightly with detentions as his and their priority is getting him to get as many passes as he can - so grade 4s - and really get the school onside.

Try to manage your own anxieties but reach out and ask for help and explain how much you've done and how difficult he finds self organisation

I'd ask for referrals but tbh that can wait - it's practical support you need - talk to the Senco etc

As for post 16 - lots of more applied courses and BTECs are great - subjects broken down into chunks and he might find he loves science or engineering or whatever and do really well when he can access the learning - GCSEs are not well structured for those who can't self organise and revise for a exam with 2 years content - it's not accessible in my opinion so all is not lost - this just shows that this style of education is not for him but there are other ways post 16 abs that's exciting for both of you

Big hugs

@LIZS I'm sure his English teacher mentioned using a laptop, I will have to chase it up. Irony is I am so disorganised and unmotivated myself.

Don't be so stupid. Adhd is real, it's not a case of not trying hard enough, it's the case that an ADHD brain doesn't function the same as a neurotypical.

Op i think you should get your son referred for an assessment. I have adhd and i was exactly like your son at school - the teachers thought i was paying attention because i was a good little girl but i really struggled to retain information, was always forgetting things. I've no idea how i managed to pass my gcses.

But if he doesn't pass, all is not lost. Once he has a diagnosis he can look at other ways to gain qualification, or retake them. It's not the end of the world.

@knackeredmu Aww thanks, yes that makes sense, I know I need to speak to Senco but always feel like I am bothering them and being too demanding and precious perhaps?!
Also the first time I spoke to the Senco person over the phone, they said a couple of things that I thought were a bit off, almost trying to put me off and questioning why I would want an autism diagnosis for him. When it could negatively affect him in future. In their words. Whereas I just knew if he needed help I had to try and get it for him. So I feel a bit awkward talking to them now.

barneshome, intelligence doesn't equate to how well organised you are, it just doesn't!

OP, your child is not to be given up on. The institution of school works for some but the ability to get the best out of that system is not an indication of your DS's intelligence. I have one DC who struggles in a similar way but they are incredibly creative, have original thoughts and insight that they apply in a domestic context but are overwhelmed in a school context. Well actually, it is more that it has to be very stimulating as a prospect, much of school life just isn't! She's very bright, can draw and create artwork from her imagination that has won the attention of a member of DH's family who is in a very senior position in the Art world - can't say what as outing! Obviously, I have to enlighten her as to the realities of perfunctory life as she needs to survive in this world but those things can be learnt eventually probably without the stress of school detentions.

@Mylaferret Yes, this is also exactly what they are saying about my son, he is so well behaved and sweet natured. Hopefully his poor exam results will help them realise he is struggling.

@Goldenbear Yes you are right, I know he is intelligent. But this makes it worse as it's like a waste of his potential and what he could be. And the people who have less insight and creativity perhaps are able to sit down and make themselves succeed. And good for them. It's very overwhelming to think about.

How did i get to the age of 43 before i got diagnosed then?

Don't talk about things you're completely ignorant of.

@ittakes2 Yes I know you are right, the detentions in particular... they are pretty much daily, and they will be increased in severity if he misses the 15 minute one at lunch. And if he goes to the lunch one he often doesn't get anything to eat, which isn't going to help his concentration. I'm going to have to speak to them about this properly. He has struggled with finding the right room number too and ending up missing them.

I took the scenic route in life. Didn't find out until I was studying at the age if 26 that my learning style is kinesthetic. So you could waste hours and hours reading stuff out to me, or fancy print outs or continually writing stuff out and I won't take a single word in. I learn by doing and need to keep that (most likely inattentive) part of my brain busy. I began knitting during lectures/ironing while listening to YouTube lectures to study and suddenly was able to take things in.

My best friend was not diagnosed with dyslexia until her 2nd year of uni and I read her work to proof read for her. She failed most exams at school because she was barely able to structure a sentence and the words she wrote were so difficult to understand because her spelling. She was given a laptop to use, extra time, a scribe and a quiet room to sit her exams and is now completely thriving. I have no idea how she made it through 13 years of school without a single person picking up such a glaring issue.

My son has a lot of ADHD tendencies but not pursuing diagnosis at this stage but the problem is that the normal strategies do not work because he does not have the executive functioning to work through them. An hour a day of studying would be entirely ineffective because my son would sit for an entire hour faffing about rather than actually studying. He needs regular breaks to move his body. Shouting 'get your work done' doesn't work for him but phsycial touch to refocus him on the task does and me along side him working with him. The more pressure I put on him to engage with the work when he is unable with the current regime the more he feels like a failure and becomes less engaged and more withdrawn. No kid wants to be the naughty kid.

@Mylaferret I had no idea till I was told last year, although it all made sense, and was 45.

@Beseen22 Yes this is what concerns me about helping him to revise, as it can be frustrating because he isn't grasping the information.

The detentions clearly aren't working. Id tell the school your getting him assessed for adhd and in the meantime is there a better sanction for him (or better yet, no sanction because he can't actually help it).

@wavecat Thanks for your kind post.

Sorry if this has already been covered, but if you can afford and he is willing, I would get a tutor that has experience of supporting ND teenagers. I know you’re worried about his learning but the most important thing right now is his self esteem. Only do what he is willing to do.

I got diagnose with ADHD at 15 and I was so far off the rails by then there was no way I would engage with education or my learning. I left school with 3 GCSEs.

Does he have a job? If not, will he be open to getting one? I loved working. It was so good to be able to do things and get paid at the end of it. I did retail and bar work. Really built up my self esteem after completely failing at school.

I found something I really wanted to do when I was 23. I now have a masters degree. The most important thing right now is making sure your son is ok mentally and is getting the support he needs.

You need to change your way of thinking, don't write your son off. This is what is so very damaging about school in expecting so many pupils to confirm to certain type.
School sounds like it is too controlled for your son, this type of environment doesn't suit him and that's ok, he will find one he feels more comfortable in.
Don't worry about him spending time in his room, that is his sanctuary, my two were the same but they both engage alot more different things now they are abit older.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what he wants to do,.I work alongside many young teenagers this is very common.
Some companies offer apprenticeships where the apprentice can get work experience as well as going to college once a week and obtaining exams.
I know it's hard but try not to pass your anxieties on to your son, be proud of him, make him feel a valuable member of the family. It's a really difficult stage for both of you but things will improve, there are options out there.

Conform, not confirm.