I'm sure 15 ds has inattentive ADHD and his life is ruined

[Ohthebanality]

Ds is 15, has always struggled at school, organising his things, his homework, not doing homework, not remembering stuff. Losing things constantly. Remembering passwords for educake and teams has been a nightmare. I have to do a lot for him, helping him to be organised. Teachers always say how lovely and well behaved he is, how engaged he is in class. He goes to a very big school. I've raised concerns with school lots of times, I'm worried that at home when trying to homework, he just hasn't got a clue what he's doing and can't seem to remember anything he's learnt.
His mock exam results for December were awful, 1s and 2s. Last year his estimated grades were 3s and 4s. He has no clue what he wants to do in September. I think he would be happy to stay in his room forever and not go out. He is also very withdrawn socially and doesn't see friends or talk to them out of school. He used to.
We were told by the teacher we saw this week that he must revise an hour a day at least. I tried to explain that he can't revise, can't organise himself.
I have basically had to sit down with him and find myself trying to teach him the stuff myself.
I have mental health problems myself and was told I fit the criteria for autism last year. Straightaway I thought of DS. He has been referred for an autism assessment. But now I'm sure it is also or ADHD. But it's too late now for him, in his final year and poor GCSEs?
I'm distraught to be honest but don't know if I'm overreacting.

I studied computer science at University and they provided every neurodivergent student (quite a few as its coding etc!) with blue light filters for their laptop screens. This helped us focus. (They sell them on Amazon!)

Also, there seemed to be a link between Autism / ADHD and being good at music.

Which then lead to most of us playing guitars / drumming together. Or joining choirs. 😊

Does he love music OP? X

You sound like a lovely mum and your son a lovely lad, and his life is absolutely not ruined. It’s great he’s been referred for an autism assessment now; if the school won’t help can you approach the GP for referral re. ADHD too? Or even go privately? It is much easier / cheaper to get diagnosed while still in education and under 18 so there absolutely is time. I was diagnosed with dyspraxia as a mature student at university at 26 and it was a great benefit to my life to get the diagnosis even at that ‘late’ stage! Dyspraxia often also co-occurs with autism and sounds like it might match with some of your son’s difficulties around losing things and forgetting things. You have been doing all you can to get him support and I’m sorry the school let you down. There is still time and still so many opportunities for your son; perhaps just a bit of a different route than the cookie cutter, typical one. You will both be more than fine!

@Ohthebanality A good way of thinking about it is that for many people with inattentive ADHD the hyperactivity element exists within the mind - very busy thoughts on multiple strands, all the time - and doesn’t manifest in physical hyperactivity. This is particularly true of women.

@Schoolchoicesucks the school are just putting so much pressure on. It's good that they care about how well the pupils do. They seem to care when I have spoken to them. It's just such a big school.

@TangledWebOfDeception I actually have this myself (racing thoughts) and wish I could turn my brain off sometimes.

Instead of concentrating on what he can’t do, what are the things that he enjoys, or is good at?

@Balemyking no he has no clue or interest in music! Myself and his older brother both love music. I used to listen to Motown and Jimi Hendrix at his age. We actually tease him, as he will play funny sound effects on his phone out loud sometimes and they are so cringey! That is his music.

@Hulahulahulahoop Ah thank you, yes I'm going to ask GP about the ADHD. And dyspraxia has occurred to me before, he is clumsy and struggled to tie shoelaces. Although I'm clumsier. Losing things is something we are both terrible for. 😃

Sounds like you are both under a lot of pressure.

Can you find a bit of time so you and your DS can talk about what’s going on with him. How he’s feeling, what’s going on in his friend group, what does good look like. Ask how he feels about possibly get checked for ADHD, if he feels support can help.
in regards to direction is he thinking school or college? Think it might be worth trying an on line personality quiz. “16 personality type quiz” has helped mine.

He will be fine. Colleges offer a range of courses vocational and access to universities. They will also do maths and English GCSE with them along side if they need it.

With the GCSE pick your wins. Choose the subjects he does best and the ones he needs. Check which exam board eg AQA, EDEXCEL, etc. Do past papers, self mark as you go.
print off the past paper and marking schedule. Answer in groups of 3 or 4 questions the go through them with the marking scheme and see what point you got and which ones you found you need. It’s the easiest revision technique if it works for him. You tube is also great to catch up on missed/ forgotten topics.
It’s usually to improve a grade to a grade and a half with revision.

hope all improves

Not got a clue gave you ?

@ImmigrantAlice Well there isn't anything that really stands out, he is so quiet and reserved and in his own world. He doesn't like music or riding a bike or sports, he doesn't tell jokes or can mimic people like me and his brother can. He isn't a big reader. He is lovely and sweet natured. He is calming and quiet to be around. Except when he has a meltdown. I think he is good at history and understanding events, he can see through fakeness, his teachers have said he will make astute comments. He did used to love gaming online with his friends and would come out of his shell then.

I think perhaps he is good at drawing but he doesn't have any interest in it.

DS was similar and got assessed at school for inattentive ADHD. He was on the cusp so no diagnosis. He got put in the front seats at class but no extra time in exams.

For GCSE prep he did a lot on Seneca (free login). I made his revision timetable, printed out/talked through past papers and mark schemes, got him flash cards and practiced them with him.

He got 9/8 in his favourite subjects and all the way through to a 4 in the least favourite.
Now at A levels he's only doing his favourite subjects and is like a changed boy. seems the super-focus can also accompany the inattentiveness. He is now obsessed with Maths. Hoping this lasts him through the exams and into uni!

Anyway, just a long winded way of saying - help him however you can and he'll come into his own when he finds his interests.

@Balemyking That's interesting about the blue light filters. But doesn't fit with the music at all!

@HereForTheFreeLunch Seneca Learning, thank you, I haven't head of that am going to look into it.

@Mishoola Thank you, he doesn't really like talking to me about anything, also I try and avoid asking anything that might make me more anxious. That sounds bad. But the only way I can cope sometimes. It took me ages to tell him about the autism assessment, I couldn't find the words really as he had no clue it was going to happen.
I will get him to try the personality quiz.

My DS was very similar but TBH I'm not sure he was that much different to most teenage boys and his dad at a similar age.

He's 21 now and seems to be able to keep on top of life admin and work in a way I would never have believed possible when he was 15.

I left school at 16 with only 2 GCSE passes despite being very able academically. I had no clue what I wanted to do and just drifted into a vocational college course with no entry requirements. I eventually found my place in life at the age of 21, returned to college in the evenings while working in a job I had very little interest in, and got myself onto a foundation course at university. I started a new career and eventually gained an MSc, I'm now in a successful job as an academic and starting my doctorate later this year. I was diagnosed with autism at the age of 39 and suddenly everything made sense. Traditional education doesn't suit everyone and it doesn't mean your ds won't find the place that fits him best, it might just take a bit longer. In the meantime, my ds is also autistic and doing his GCSEs this year and he's found an app called Adapt very useful. You enter the exams you will be doing, tell it which days you want to revise on and it gives you a revision timetable consisting of short revision sessions on specific content

His life isnt ruined op. He just hasnt found his way yet. Plenty of people do terribly at school and then turn things around. xxx

.

His mock exam results for December were awful, 1s and 2s. Last year his estimated grades were 3s and 4s. He has no clue what he wants to do in September. I think he would be happy to stay in his room forever and not go out. He is also very withdrawn socially and doesn't see friends or talk to them out of school. He used to.

So there's been a significant deterioration in his schoolwork, and he's become socially withdrawn, doesn't make an effort to see friends, retreats to his bedroom wherever possible… he's also irritable with outbreaks of angry, violent behaviour, has trouble concentrating — I'm concerned that the family history, and his own history of past difficulties with concentration and meltdowns, may be disguising the onset of clinical depression, or even other mental illnesses like schizophrenia which can start with things like social withdrawal.

Sure, it could be that this is all down to ADHD because demands on his concentration and executive function have increased beyond his capacity to cope, and this worsening attainment and social withdrawal are a consequence of that, but it could also be that he's quite seriously unwell with a mood disorder. (Or both.) Often children, teenagers and men exhibit irritability and outbursts with depression, more than women tend to, so depression can be missed if that's one of the main symptoms. But what's really concerning me on the possible depression front is the pulling-back from friends and from family life.

If he does have depression, then any ADHD-specific interventions may be ineffective or counterproductive if any depression isn't identified and treated (unless it's secondary depression caused by the problems resulting from ADHD, and even then, depression can stop you benefitting from the ADHD treatment as much as you might otherwise).

I think he needs to see someone who can evaluate more broadly than solely for ADHD.

Also I agree with the pp who said you both sound under a lot of pressure; if he can’t revise at all atm an hour a day just seems unachievable and setting you both up for stress. Can you start with 10-15 mins of revision YouTube videos like a pp suggested? And build up from there with lots of breaks. I agree about focusing on a few GCSEs; maybe success for him now isn’t the 3s and 4s across the board you were hoping for and that’s ok. There’s still time after school!

His life is not ruined
His life may go in a different direction to what you thought

It might be worth asking for an assessment, via gp if not the school. Does the school offer learning support sessions or study skills for exam years? How many subjects is he currently taking and could those be reduced to core subjects?

All is not lost, there may be Functional Skills courses available, Life Skills with embedded numeracy and literacy, Level 1/2 practical courses along side Maths and English if needs be . If so the college will be used to coping with disengaged and lower achieving teens and supporting them. It is worth starting discussions with them now and familiarising him with the logistics.

These are all classic signs of ADHD, my children struggled through GCSE's and A'levels before diagnosed at University, your life was our life too.

Please get him diagnosed and medicated as soon as you can, look to your GP for help, there are resources on the web to find the routes to a faster consultation.

Keep supporting him. It's frightening when all around you are able to retain information and organise day to day life relatively easily and hard for the neurotypical to understand why we just can't.

In our experience counselling was not of any use, as one psychiatrist said, it doesn't work on broken legs either.

You'll see him fly when he has the right help, good luck