I'm sure 15 ds has inattentive ADHD and his life is ruined

[Ohthebanality]

Ds is 15, has always struggled at school, organising his things, his homework, not doing homework, not remembering stuff. Losing things constantly. Remembering passwords for educake and teams has been a nightmare. I have to do a lot for him, helping him to be organised. Teachers always say how lovely and well behaved he is, how engaged he is in class. He goes to a very big school. I've raised concerns with school lots of times, I'm worried that at home when trying to homework, he just hasn't got a clue what he's doing and can't seem to remember anything he's learnt.
His mock exam results for December were awful, 1s and 2s. Last year his estimated grades were 3s and 4s. He has no clue what he wants to do in September. I think he would be happy to stay in his room forever and not go out. He is also very withdrawn socially and doesn't see friends or talk to them out of school. He used to.
We were told by the teacher we saw this week that he must revise an hour a day at least. I tried to explain that he can't revise, can't organise himself.
I have basically had to sit down with him and find myself trying to teach him the stuff myself.
I have mental health problems myself and was told I fit the criteria for autism last year. Straightaway I thought of DS. He has been referred for an autism assessment. But now I'm sure it is also or ADHD. But it's too late now for him, in his final year and poor GCSEs?
I'm distraught to be honest but don't know if I'm overreacting.

Since year 7 and during lockdown and this past year, Ive been trying to tell school how much he was struggling and now worried I was about him.. and nothing was ever really done. And I can't help but think it's how I must come across. Because school have not taken me seriously. I've had a pattern of being bullied and belittled from school really. In jobs and relationships too. This has happened to Ds too, his classmates have laughed at him because he is naive and seems younger than his age. Low level bullying too I think. No one in his form class speaks to him.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just stating facts. Even his chronic lateness and disorganisation is something the teachers laugh about. But dont take seriously. Is this something other people can relate to.

I used to set a cooking timer and say 30 minutes and not a minute more before a break. DS found this manageable. He'd have a drink, walk around then another 30 minutes

Hi, I can completely relate to what you're saying. Can you get him assessed privately?

My DS (11) has been recently diagnosed with ADHD combination type. He struggled in all the areas you have mentioned and whenever I brought it to his teachers they said it was just his personality. I brought him to a private psychologist and she said while my son is very good at masking it he clearly has ADHD.

ADHD is protected as disability and the school are legally obliged to make reasonable accomodations to support a child with a diagnosis. M

@MakeMineADouble81 Yes agree about the masking. I remember in November speaking to his form tutor and telling her that my son may behave and look like he understands everything in class, but he is actually really, really struggling. And this was before I knew properly about inattentive ADHD and the symptoms.
I can't afford a private diagnosis unfortunately.

I would recommend the book 'Smart but Scattered Teens' for some techniques that you can try to help your son. I have used the one for younger children and found it useful.

You can apply for ehc assessment up to 25 but it’s much easier when you are in a school for assessments to be done. Also you need evidence to apply for extra time or other adjustments in exams eg use laptop so it makes sense to get an Ed psych to come in and do some testing. The ehc route has set timeframes which nhs waiting lists don’t so it’s likely to deliver quicker assessment

I don't want to go back over all the ground that others have covered (and I will try to ignore the rude ableist comments that disgust me), but I promise you, his life is not ruined.

I was diagnosed last year at the age of 33 with combined ADHD and I have suspected Autism. I have a successful career that probably I've had to work twice as hard those who are neurotypical to achieve, and there are days that I wish I knew earlier, but realistically all that matters is that I now have the help and support that I need. Medication, and understanding more about how my brain works has done so much for my confidence, my self belief and my entire life really.

So what, I'm different! I have a stunning ability to recall random facts, I have a lovely friendship group of equally neuro-spicy friends, and I am overtly attuned to others due to the fact I've spent my whole life copying the people around me to mask my differences and to blend in. Not gonna lie, it was hard for my colleagues to get to know me as "me" rather than the "me mask" that copied their behaviours, and that led ultimately to a few awkward conversations. But things are fine, and I think workplace cultures are rapidly changing in the face of the absolute breadth of diversity that we have in modern society.

The sheer fact that you want to support him, and will clearly go to the ends of the earth to allow him to have the equity in his opportunities as his life progresses is a sure sign that things will work out right in the end.

@Ohthebanality I have a ds the same age with very similar issues, although he does have a diagnosis of inattentive ADHD. I really recognise a lot of what you say in your OP. Not rtft yet though (because I was getting tangled up trying to help with revision )

I wanted to mention dr.carriejackson on Instagram, in case it’s useful to have a scroll through her stuff.

instagram.com/dr.carriejackson?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

I can’t vouch for her account in any depth — I just stumbled across it the other day. But my first impression was that it looked like a really helpful one to follow.

Hi op flag this up to secondo they need to help him with organisation not punish him

They need to support him .

Re the work will he work with you if so then great,hard but it may just get him through it. And or can you afford a tutor? Again worth their weight in gold for a good one but it sounds like he could be quite far behind?

Also Kirsten Cobabe:

instagram.com/kirstencobabe?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

^ Her stuff is not so much directly about ADHD, but still, she has some useful posts about teenage parenting that often help me remember to kind of just take a breath and listen and not spiral out into making things worse by trying to ‘solve’ stuff for DS — which I often catch myself doing, because he needs such a lot of support daily in so many ways.

Thanks to everyone who has posted, it has been really helpful. A lot of information and things to think about. I have rung the GP and asked for an appointment for a referral. I want to speak to the school and be calm but also try to explain how I feel he has been let down. I'm hoping that by doing this he will get the help and support he needs.
@Floofyduffypuddy I spoke to Senco in autumn when they helped me with his autism referral. I was explaining everything he struggles with. I'm not sure why he is still getting so many detentions, especially as otherwise his behaviour is so good. You would think this would make them think? I need to speak to them.
@CavalierApproach thanks I will take a look at that.
@LostInSpaceRaiders thanks for your post. I'm waiting for an autism assessment myself and actually think I possibly have ADHD too. I know what you mean about the random facts, I feel like my own brain is like an encyclopedia. But I can't hold down a job or relationships and everything is a struggle. I get overwhelmed really easily and Ds is the same.

It's a battle out there.

Even when you are lucky enough to have a really good senco they could be speaking on deaf ears depending on how well trainee fhe teacher is.

There doesn't seem to be any consistency on teaching children with needs and the senco may try and explain but the teacher cannot understand.

It needs taught tobyeaxhess.

• to teacher's!

They need right from reception up proper training in Sen!

They don't have to becoming experts but my goodness how Easier like would be if they recognised that someone like your son is struggling and doesn't need punishment he needs support.

@Floofyduffypuddy I completely agree with you about teachers being more aware. I have been basically ringing school since year 7 with all these issues of his disorganisation and inability to concentrate and remember. Been desperately worried really. No one has ever thought or seemed to make the connection. Even Senco themselves.

Unfortunately op I've seen it first hand in a school when I worked in one .

I've seen it. .

How can a senco quickly in a few moments try and explain that someone with dyslexia may have short term memory issue's and needs to have X y z. How to impress that upon a teacher that doesn't know?
In a few rushed minutes in the day?

I can't for the life of me understand why it's not part of training already. Teachers don't have to be experts in it but for goodness sake how many more children could actually learn with just a few tweaks to their day?

I hope you get some answers for your son. I fully sympathise with you as my 14yo DS is awaiting an autism assessment, having already been assessed for ADHD (which he apparently doesn't have - but it is very much present in our family, hence the route we took). When we were told that he did not meet the threshold for ADHD, the consultant decided that it was worth sending him for autism assessment, based on her observations at the meeting and on his various documented issues. There are a number of similarities between autism and ADHD, even though they are different neurological conditions. And of course they often come as a package!

I completely relate to the schoolwork aspect. My son is bright, but when it comes to self motivation, he's a nightmare. DP and I feel as though we are his personal tutors every time there's a special project to do or exam time comes around. He is easily distracted, scrapes his chair endlessly on the floor, tips it back, fidgets, folds up bits of paper, breaks pencils, starts randomly talking about rockets or planes. You get the idea! It is so stressful.

When children are seen as 'well behaved' at school, they often fly under the radar until they reach secondary school and suddenly find themselves drowning in all the expectations placed on them, so ADHD and autism can be missed until this stage. In primary school my son was untidy, a fidgeter and hummed quietly to himself, but he was doing well so, although these things were pointed out to me, every teacher said he was a pleasure to have in the class and that he was well behaved. One thing I wish I had taken more notice of though, was how much he struggled to make friends. He has made a few firm friends in secondary school, which I am so happy about, and every single one has autism! So, I'm thinking, birds of a feather flock together (but slightly separately😅) Please don't worry. You will get to the bottom of this. Your son is young. There's nothing that can't be turned around with the right help. And I recognise the catastrophising as I do it myself!

This is not the most important year of his life, no single year is. There are multiple routes to getting GCSE after this. What he needs is for everyone to calm down and give him a bit of space and then look at what the options are now. There are apprenticeships, college for GCSEs, lots of routes. They just don't get talked about as much. I have friends with autistic kids who ended up out of education for 18 months due to anxiety or no suitable setting. They are all finding a way again.

He's going for assessment, so that's great. Take a breather for both of you, look at Facebook for a local parent group for kids with ADHD or autism and get some support.

His life is not over, it's just harder to find your way when you're not on the obvious route.

@Tessisme thanks for your post, I do worry that he might not meet the threshold for assessment too, he was referred for autism assessment last year, I was told it might not be accepted? But no one has mentioned ADHD, even though I have been basically describing all the symptoms since he started high school! And yes everyone says how lovely he is and so nice to have in class. Isn't it funny how this is so similar.
Yes the catastrophising.. but posting on mumsnet has really helped. I was so anxious and panicking.
@Ilkleymoor thank you

@Ohthebanality can you afford a private assessment for ADHD and private prescription for medication? At least for a year or two until an nhs assessment can be completed?

If so then no it’s not too late for his GCSEs. At the very least he could repeat his gcse year medicated (if appropriate) and get the grades he’s really capable of.

Hi OP, I'm a bit late to this thread.

I wanted to mention a site called Amazing Apprenticeships. You can do them in all sorts of things. It doesn't have to be building stuff.

I found a book called Smart But Scattered useful for helping my DD (and DH!) The Organized Mind is a more grown up one.

There's also a specialist online service where neurodiverse trainers work with neurodiverse young people using gaming. I've forgotten the name but am looking for it for you.

mindjam.org.uk/services/ found it! If you go down the EHCP route 'EOTAS' might be something to consider (Education Other Than At School). It can pay for things like this.

He has you on his side and will get support that way for now. Can you apply for digital assistance at school. Often learning visually and using apps helps ND students. He should be given additional time during lessons to process the information and lay down memory. Often working memory is an issue. Has he ever been assessed for Dyslexia? It can commonly cross over with ASD/ADD behaviours. It is bound to affect his confidence as he is effectively being punished for trying at school. This is not acceptable. I'd ask what their assessment policy is and how they have supported his needs, as this is obviously not new presentations. Also find out what the additional support plans are and why he hasn't got one. Get calmhs referral from GP and start ball rolling. He will get there eventually.