I'm sure 15 ds has inattentive ADHD and his life is ruined

[Ohthebanality]

Ds is 15, has always struggled at school, organising his things, his homework, not doing homework, not remembering stuff. Losing things constantly. Remembering passwords for educake and teams has been a nightmare. I have to do a lot for him, helping him to be organised. Teachers always say how lovely and well behaved he is, how engaged he is in class. He goes to a very big school. I've raised concerns with school lots of times, I'm worried that at home when trying to homework, he just hasn't got a clue what he's doing and can't seem to remember anything he's learnt.
His mock exam results for December were awful, 1s and 2s. Last year his estimated grades were 3s and 4s. He has no clue what he wants to do in September. I think he would be happy to stay in his room forever and not go out. He is also very withdrawn socially and doesn't see friends or talk to them out of school. He used to.
We were told by the teacher we saw this week that he must revise an hour a day at least. I tried to explain that he can't revise, can't organise himself.
I have basically had to sit down with him and find myself trying to teach him the stuff myself.
I have mental health problems myself and was told I fit the criteria for autism last year. Straightaway I thought of DS. He has been referred for an autism assessment. But now I'm sure it is also or ADHD. But it's too late now for him, in his final year and poor GCSEs?
I'm distraught to be honest but don't know if I'm overreacting.

I'm waiting to be assessed for autism myself? I may come across as odd or over dramatic sorry.

@fluffiphlox Op is clearly anxious on her son’s behalf and distraught just now. It happens. Perhaps add something constructive instead of popping in with nothing to offer! Especially considering there are mental health issues/possibly autism to contend with. It can make it difficult to regulate one’s emotions.

@Ohthebanality step by step, day by day. Most things in life can be fixed.

So unkind and ill informed

It sounds like you are asking for help and getting an assessment for him is a good first step.

Our experience with our DS might help, he had different issues than your son but was really struggling at school , eventually was diagnosed with dyslexia at 16 , too late for help with his GCSE’s . BUT the diagnosis gave him the confidence to do a course better suited to his way of learning, he is now in his third year at uni doing something he really loves. He’s thriving, the diagnosis has transformed his life, instead of seeing himself as a failure, it made sense to him and he chose a path that suits him better.

Please don’t feel that this is the most important year of his life as it doesn’t all end at age 16 , take it a step at a time, assessment first and take it from there.

Oh and barneshome maybe keep your very unhelpful, uninformed and unkind opinions to yourself when someone is struggling and asking for support !

He can revise. He has to revise. The school can only do so much.
I have combined ADHD. It doesn't have to ruin his life, but he does need some motivation and to take some responsibility in finding strategies which work. He could try flashcards, setting himself quizzes, highlighting stuff. He could take small breaks every 20 minutes. Leave flashcards or questions around the room so he can pick them up and have a go as he's wandering. (This worked well for me.)

It also worked for me to have ONE notebook to refer to/scribble in. ONE big timetable on a whiteboard. If I want to have a productive day I need to put everything on a detailed timetable. I don't work for longer than 20 mins without a short break. I like to stand up and wander around with my notes/while I'm writing. PM me if you want to hear more about my strategies.

Anyway, he seems down, so could use some geeing up. Remind him about what he's good at, make sure he knows it's all survivable. Maybe have a plan in case it doesn't go well. He might not know what he wants to do, and therefore he is overwhelmed or beating himself. You need to sit with him and help him build a plan. But he needs to execute it!

Try not to spiral. My dd is at uni and only just diagnosed. It’s not ideal timing but no point in catastoihpsing.

It’s not the end of the world for your ds. See if can also go for the adhd diagnosis. Private if that’s an option.

Help him figure out what strategies might work for him for school. Ask which are his best / easiest GCSEs and focus on them. He only requires English language, maths plus 2/3 others to progress at grade 4. Otherwise a sidestep or apprenticeship are good options too. Just don’t panic.

I imagine there’ll be more support at a college than sixth form. Go to their next open day.
Explore all options with an open mind.

My ds wasn't diagnosed til last year, age 21, after messing up his degree. I paid for an assessment. He's now getting support and mentor for a masters (design). I can't believe school and uni didn't pick it up sooner but here we are.

@TangledWebOfDeception Thank you. I've had a really difficult life too. Struggled with so many things. I was bright at school funnily enough and did well at my GCSEs. The way I am looking at it is, that if DS is like me but worse, how is he going to cope with life.

DD was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD half way through her GCSEs. I cannot stress enough how much the medication and extra time helped her. With one year left of her GCSEs she moved from 2-4s predicted grades to actual results of an 8, three 7s, two sixes, two 5s and a 4. School flabbergasted.

Get the assessment. If necessary he does resits. Whatever happens he'll do better knowing why and it'll help him. DD was very depressed thinking she was failing- once we got a diagnosis and help she was a different child.

@Ladybrrrd Yes I'm trying to think of ways he can revise. And I'm committed to an hour a day. Maybe there will be a breakthrough and it will help him. He isn't down at all though, he isn't worried, just happy in his own world.

Just to add, get the ball rolling on diagnosis asap, and see if you can aquire a 'coach'. Look up 'coaching ADHD'. Medicine really helps me too.

Wow there are some ignorant comments on this thread! Ignore them OP.

FWiW I know a few adults with ADD who are having good careers and doing well.

Although it might feel like it's 'too late', it really isn't. He still has his whole life ahead of him and with the right support this blip with GCSE's isn't the end of the education/career story.

I was clearly displaying marked ADHD traits from the age of around 10 (basically when homework became a thing). I would leave everything far too late, get in a complete tizz about my ability to do the work and then it would be disastrous if my mum tried to help me.

The problem with unmanaged executive function issues is that we don't have the wherewithal to put in place all the helpful suggestions of using timers, planners, breaking things down into easy chunks etc. This can be the bit where a handhold can be useful.

Something I find useful is to be around others who are also busy working. Not working on the same thing as me or trying to help but just another presence who is their own quiet hive of activity.

With his current predicament, would it be worth talking to school about dropping some GCSE's so that he can focus on the five most important (English, Maths, Science plus the two that most relate to his interests). That would relieve some of the pressure.

His life isn't ruined OP, please don't think that.

I have a ds who is constantly forgetting homework, passwords, deadlines. Even when he does his homework, he forgets to hand it in.

He's NT but totally disorganised. He seems to be going through a phase.

So at the start of term I sat with his form teacher and checked all the apps and passwords. I have his homework diary on the office wall, I check every evening to see what he needs to do and I sit with him and make sure it's done. I watch him submit his work on Teams.

To start with, he was just panicking at the sheer scale of it all, but as we got into a routine ds calmed down a bit and is a bit more methodical.

Just take it steady. Get all the access information from his teacher. Go back to basics, allocate 45 mins to each set piece of homework, and do that 45 mins, no more. Calm it down into a regular routine, and help him to see that any work is better than none.

I think @barneshome is spot on, actually.

Op's ds has gotten to the age of 15 without anyone noticing he may have adhd (or indeed, autism).
Chances are he doesn't actually have either.

Thanks for all the kind and helpful posts. I can't afford private assessments or tutors or anything. Ds is withdrawn but I'm very withdrawn myself, and we just like being at home where its quiet and peaceful. I just get really anxious thinking about him going to a new place like a college and being lost and struggling.
@Cuppasoupmonster any techniques would be welcome

That's good then! Just keep an eye on it. I appear very cheery almost all the time, but mask the feelings of impending doom/imposter syndrome (RSD) until I tend to snap!

I can see how hard you are trying with him. He should have more input on how he does it though. Perhaps come up together with 3 or more ways (mum quizzes you, writing quiz questions for yourself, flashcards, long question/answer...) and he writes a timetable for the week with how specifically he's going to revise that day. Before you get going, think about the most vital information. Build a big picture of everything he needs to know. Break that in to smaller chunks.

@Johnnysgirl Someone has noticed I probably have autism. A manager at my secondary care mental health clinic. Thanks.

BBC Bitesize app is great for short bursts of revision.

Hey OP this was me in school. I also had dyslexia. School is shit for kids like this. My teachers couldn't wait till I left! I left at 16

Most kids have no idea what they want to be at this stage, I have worked with an excellent lad who played rugby then went in to teaching it in in schools - he has ADHD and is happily married with baby. A lot of people are not 'bums on seat' learners. He might be a kinetic learner which mean he learns better when actively doing the activity - like me.

He would probably do better in a trade or getting an apprenticeship

I went in to sports myself, was a swimming teacher ( loved the freedom of being able to constantly move) I now own my own business in a completely different field but still a 'doing job'. I have a fantastic team around me who pick up all the threads that drop (mainly paper work)

Today I have to do paper work and im pissing about on MN instead. Id be ^awful" in an office 😂

@MintJulia yes I have planned a revision timetable. If I have it planned I feel less anxious.
Also he has meltdowns sometimes and sensory issues with his clothing, for posters who think I'm making this up. He smashed his TV up on New year's day. He's been doing this since he was a toddler.

@Johnnysgirl I don’t think you know what you’re talking about.

If you truly believe him to have ADHD then start doing some research into things that people with the same difficulties find work for them and help them.
Look for information on how adhd can affect people and then look for strategies that could perhaps help him.
His life is not ruined but Pp is correct in one thing, he is going to have to want to make changes and help himself.

@coldcoffee12 I've thought about trades, he just isn't practical or hands on. If he could get an apprenticeship or train I'd be so happy. Or be something like a chef. He just doesn't fit in with that either.

It's very common where I am to treat ADHD with medication, and it seems to help a lot of kids with the condition. Would this be something that his GP could prescribe? Just in the interim while he's waiting for a referral?

He will cope, because you will help him and there will be ways that you can together, work on the things he finds hard.

Some practical things to start with:
Timetables and lists for remembering the things he needs each day
Visual reminders- pictures can help
Timers for tasks, especially homework, with rest breaks.
Check with him that he’s got everything he needs before he goes to school. Could you get baskets, labelled with the days, so he gets used to what he has on each day and things are put back in the basket at the end of the day.

Is there anyone at school he could check in with, in a similar way? I’d ask for a meeting with the SENCo.

There won’t be time to put arrangements in place for the summer exams, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make referrals for support for the next phase of education. I’d do some research to see what local colleges offer and what support there would be for him.

It might take him a bit longer, but he’ll find something that suits him somewhere, with your help. It’s a lovely thing that his teachers describe him as lovely and well behaved.