Having kids is awesome… but I really don’t care if you don’t want to have them!

[SockTurtleMoop]

This is just a rant. Getting something off my chest.

I’m mid 30s and the majority of my friends have now got kids but a handful haven’t. This handful moan a fair amount about ‘society’s pressure to have kids’ and how awful it is and how they get asked all the time and post a lot of things on social media about HOW ITS A VALID CHOICE NOT TO HAVE KIDS THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Greg James off of the radio has written some blog post about how he doesn’t know whether he wants kids but he wishes people would stop asking him. And loads of my childless acquaintances have shared it with clapping emojis.

But I can’t work out who is asking them if they’re having kids. Outside of their nannas. Everyone in my generation knows you don’t talk about these things. A couple of people at work asked me if I wanted children (before I did), but that was usually when I was chatting to them about theirs. Not an invasive inquisition. No one I know cares if other people don’t have kids. I’m really curious how often they actually get asked.

On the flip side, they’re so rude about the assumptions they’ve made about being a parent. There are constant comments about how they’d prefer to have money and free time and no responsibilities. There’s a suggestion that people with kids are miserable all the time.

I’ve got three small children. It’s hard work. But they’re bloody hilarious. When they’re babies it’s sort of like being in charge of some wild animals. But eventually they really do become amazing company. They’re such fun. Rare days when it’s just me and my husband are fine. We enjoy each other’s company and we get to actually converse. But the kids come back and it’s silliness and games and laughter and life feels significantly less serious and I’m distracted from “grown up things”. Life takes a slower pace and I love it.

Anyone else relate to this at all?! Or is the consensus that actually yes society is still obsessed with making sure everyone reproduces as quickly as humanly possible and those who don’t have children are letting the side down?

But you quite clearly do think they should have kids because you go on about how "awesome" and fantastic it is to have them.
Just because people aren't asking them outright doesn't mean they don't feel the societal pressure.

Lots of people ask. Colleagues, sisters in law, disappointed parents, randoms you end up in conversation with.

Just because you don't ask people doesn't mean there's not a large sector of rude fuckers who think nothing of beaking in - there definitely is.

Just because people aren't asking them outright doesn't mean they don't feel the societal pressure.
Curious point… where does the pressure come from if no one is asking them though?

When I was ttc for a long time, I couldn’t bloody move for people asking when I was going to have children. YABU. Just because you’re not experiencing something doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

I think it’s only seen as a rude question if it touches a nerve- and tbh the U.K. is very hostile towards children and parents.

It's that thing where people have to denigrate others choose in order to justify their own. I love being a mother, mine are teens now and sometimes I even miss the babies they were, but do I think everyone should be a mother? Nah, it's a lifestyle choice like anything else, do whatever the duck make you happy, no need to make my life look shite just to make yours look better

They probably have to justify their decision more than yours to be honest and I bet you a lot of people do ask them. My cousin isn’t having kids apparently but I’m rather dubious about her reasons. Personally I don’t believe her and I think she’s rolling over and just agreeing to what her husband wants. I know that’s not the case for lots of women but it’s something I am seeing more often.

I don't get why being asked a question is so awful? "Nah I don't want kids" and move on. They're not pressuring anyone, they're just asking a simple question.
I have two under the age of 3 and although it can get quite stressful at times, its amazing. But I had my kids late, any time I was asked I would always answer 'dont know, if it's meant to be it will be' and that's it. I never got offended.

But I can’t work out who is asking them if they’re having kids.

Ask them? Would have been quicker than typing that post out and you'd have a clear answer!

There are constant comments about how they’d prefer to have money and free time and no responsibilities.

Those are good reasons not to have kids. They're not really assumptions are they? Having kids DOES impact your finances, your free time and your responsibility levels. Quite accurate I'd say!

The thing that bothers me more is childless people always have an opinion on how to bring up kids.
My sister in law has made several comments on my parenting and makes suggestions...yeah you've never even changed a nappy, so don't patronise me.

I lost it when she said to my dh I'm just giving her a minute before I pick her up because she needs to know she can't have everything she wants all the time... she was four months old ffs!

The thing is, when people asked you if you were going to have kids I presume you answered "yes". How many times after you said "yes" was the response "WHY?!?" or "Oh you'll change your mind!" or "haha I used to think that too!" or "Maybe once you've met the right person".

That's almost always the response to a "no, I don't want kids". Constantly having to justify your life choices to nosy arseholes gets exhausting, and boring, and irritating.

It's sad that you're apparently incapable of believing something has happened just because it doesn't happen to you. I hope you teach your children to think outside their own bubbles more than you do.

Jesus, I should proof read....choices and fuck not chooses and duck

I agree. I just scrolled on by because some of the comments were just stupid.

I appreciate this is judgemental and based on big assumptions but I think Greg James is protesting a bit much.

he’s said before that decision not to have kids was largely bella’s due to her mental health and strongly suggested he would have been keen but she was worried about worsening her anxiety. She then had a miscarriage.
she has also written about it and came across a bit selfish if I’m honest how I took it.
I can’t help thinking he is defending the situation a bit when he actually would happily have kids but she is unsure.

But you quite clearly do think they should have kids because you go on about how "awesome" and fantastic it is to have them.

I think my kids are fantastic, but I don’t think everyone should have kids. You can enjoy your life without thinking everyone else should live their lives the same way.

I didnt have kids til my 40s. From mid 20s I've been told that 'there's no point to living if you don't have kids' ' you better get a move on' 'I'm sure your parents are looking forward to having grandchildren' and on and on. Plus the fact it is the norm: most women have children. I didn't get married til I was 40, snd that was another subject that people had no problem commenting on. And if you reread your post you are exactly the kind of person who would have told me that I wouldn't know what love is until I had children.
My kids are late teens now. They are certainly not fun and full of laughter. Parenthood isn't just young kids who think the world starts and ends with you. I hope yours continue to bring such joy to your life, but i imagine it won't always be so, and it is not what all people want.

Tbh it could be an age thing, but nobody (other than my mum and literally nobody else not even my grandmother) asked me if I was planning on having children. I had my daughter just before I turned 30.

That's only my experience though.

Like any other lifestyle choice, having kids suits some people and doesn't suit other people. It's just more drastic and irrevocable than most other choices.

I love Greg James but found his article a bit OTT! Like he was almost judging people who do choose to have kids rather than just being confident in his own choice.

I think maybe, even if you don't get asked that often, the societal pressure arises simply because it's what most people do. So if you decide not to you do feel a bit "different" and maybe feel like you have to justify why you've made that choice.

In the last couple of years I've been asked why I don't have children/been made to feel guilty about not wanting them by the following

My mum
2 aunts
Several cousins
My mums friends
A hairdresser
MIL
MIL siblings
MIL next door neighbour
Colleague
Random woman at a yoga retreat

@MissWings I don’t think I ever answered that I did want kids. I wasn’t ever sure until soon before we started trying.

@NuffSaidSam they’re great reasons not to have kids. And had I ever asked anyone why they weren’t having them, I’d have been glad to hear them. TBH I don’t even think people need a reason not to have them if they don’t want them. And yes you’re right, I probably should ask them, but it’s such an emotive subject, I tend to move the conversation along ASAP.

@Fleabigg genuinely… who was asking you? I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone ever be asked this question (and I don’t live in a cave) so I’m genuinely curious.
(But also please don’t tell me I’m unreasonable for having a ranty opinion on something, that’s not cool, everyone’s allowed to get stuff of their chest, it’s perfectly reasonable for me to be fed up of hearing how horrific children are just as it would have been reasonable for you to be annoyed at being asked about your childcare plans.)

@BreviloquentBastard Literally just said in my OP that I can’t work it out and I’m curious about it. Didn’t say I didn’t believe anyone. I don’t know anyone who would ask someone.

If you say you don't want kids then people like to tell you that you'll change your mind/you're missing out/you'll regret it, as if their insight is what you've been awaiting. I was once called selfish by a friend when I said I didn't want children - apparently it's not fair on my nonexistent unborn child

I do actually want to adopt, but saying that gets you a whole load more free advice and opinions, so I rarely voice that.

And what of the people who want children but for some reason or another can't have them? Are they expected to divulge their private reasons on demand? Or do they have to play along and pretend they don't want them?

Yeah but people DO ask. Casual acquaintances or strangers mostly now. EVERYONE before that.

It starts when you meet someone seriously. Your friends say “do you think you’ll have children with him?” Even though you’ve been completely clear from the age of 10 when you first played in the playground that children are not something you want.

Then you get married and everyone thinks you’ll have changed your mind and you were just joking around. Even though you’ve never wavered from an entirely consistent view that babies are not for you.

This is because they have babies and it’s an all consuming time for them and most people ARE having children so surely you will too. Especially if you babysit. “You’d be so great as a mum” after three completely unstressful hours of being in the sitting room watching tv while their baby doesn’t make a peep and they’ve gone to the cinema.

That’s friends. It stops after about 5 years into marriage.
Others are:
People you make small talk with, who have children, ask you within minutes “do you have children”, you say no and then they ask why? Nosy! I then reassure them it’s nothing tragic or sad like infertility - as you can see them thinking they just put their foot in it by being rude enough to ask why - I just don’t want them.

They then either explain i’ll never know what real love is and I’ll die alone. Or they take offence like you judged them, a perfect stranger, for having kids. Because they think you think you’re better than them. Because you answered their question.

I have a close family member who quite often made statements that People Shouldn’t Ask Me About My Plans To Have Children As Its Presumptuous And No one Has The a Right To Know What’s Going On With My Uterus sort of thing.

It was off-putting to say the least, especially when I’d never even ventured into that territory myself! I felt like I’d been dragged into an argument I had no wish to be a part of!!

I think some people can be a bit touchy about it TBH. If someone you love and respect asks you, why wouldn’t you give an answer? Or just politely move the conversation on if you don’t want to talk about it?

From my POV it’s now a massive taboo subject!