Having kids is awesome… but I really don’t care if you don’t want to have them!

[SockTurtleMoop]

This is just a rant. Getting something off my chest.

I’m mid 30s and the majority of my friends have now got kids but a handful haven’t. This handful moan a fair amount about ‘society’s pressure to have kids’ and how awful it is and how they get asked all the time and post a lot of things on social media about HOW ITS A VALID CHOICE NOT TO HAVE KIDS THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Greg James off of the radio has written some blog post about how he doesn’t know whether he wants kids but he wishes people would stop asking him. And loads of my childless acquaintances have shared it with clapping emojis.

But I can’t work out who is asking them if they’re having kids. Outside of their nannas. Everyone in my generation knows you don’t talk about these things. A couple of people at work asked me if I wanted children (before I did), but that was usually when I was chatting to them about theirs. Not an invasive inquisition. No one I know cares if other people don’t have kids. I’m really curious how often they actually get asked.

On the flip side, they’re so rude about the assumptions they’ve made about being a parent. There are constant comments about how they’d prefer to have money and free time and no responsibilities. There’s a suggestion that people with kids are miserable all the time.

I’ve got three small children. It’s hard work. But they’re bloody hilarious. When they’re babies it’s sort of like being in charge of some wild animals. But eventually they really do become amazing company. They’re such fun. Rare days when it’s just me and my husband are fine. We enjoy each other’s company and we get to actually converse. But the kids come back and it’s silliness and games and laughter and life feels significantly less serious and I’m distracted from “grown up things”. Life takes a slower pace and I love it.

Anyone else relate to this at all?! Or is the consensus that actually yes society is still obsessed with making sure everyone reproduces as quickly as humanly possible and those who don’t have children are letting the side down?

I agree with you and feel the same.
I also remember being snooty about people with kids before I had them, which was probably just poorly directed anxiety because I knew I wanted them one day.

Interesting point

Being a mum is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love my children with a ferocity that still surprises me sometimes. They absolutely enrich my life. That is all because I really wanted them though. I have spent more than 10 years ttc and have definitely encountered nosy people with their questions, so I appreciate that there is a pressure for some.

It is not ok that anyone has to justify their decision to have kids/not have kids. It is no one else's business, but it is there. Or the pressure to have a second. Then the weird perception of needing to have one of each, or you might be disappointed due to not having what they perceive to be better or right.

People are fucking weird. We are all different. Someone doing things differently is not a judgement on your choices, but lots of people really do not seem to grasp that.

That drives me fucking nuts.
Did I want to be a mum? Yes. Did I fail at that? Yes. Do I need to be told that I don't know what real love is I'm obviously a bit shit and I don't get to be a parent? No! Of course I don't!
I wish people would just think about what they say.
We do get asked, we do have to bat it away with a smile. It's relentless.

I get asked all the time when I'm having kids, friends, colleagues, strangers in a variety of settings & once at a job interview. I'm 31. I don't agree that this generation knows not to ask

OP- are you sure that ALL your childless friends are doing this by choice, and maybe just prefer not to talk about infertility or losses?

When I got married and even now 21yrs on- still get asked about children and whether we have them or planning them. Mum, SIL, grandmother, MIL, nail lady, hair dresser, new work colleague and most recently by the tiler doing our house renovation!

We TTC 13yrs, lost 3 and 2 rounds of IVF and I get sick to death of being asked about it and people that boast about their own hilarious, fun and fabulous company children!

@Itsrudemeghan couldnt agree more. Also think it possibly depends on social circle whether you get asked. Like I said, I never got asked apart from by my Dad (and a couple of other family members about when I was having a second).

I had my dd in late 30s and was rarely asked if I wanted kids beforehand. The few times it happened I was pretty taken aback tbh. I thought these days people just knew better than to ask such a big, personal question, so casually.

I am always surprised when people say they are often asked if will they have children. I think who is it that’s asking them? Who are these fecking idiots?

People do ask. Sometimes just in a chit chat way and then move on, but then sometimes more like "ooh you'll change your mind, you can have one of mine if you want, yeah you do right getting X sorted first, but you are so great with kids"
I couldn't have kids (chronic health issues rather than fertility) There definitely does feel like judgement attached to it, the you don't know love/worry until you've had one, the oh it's awful that she's died she had kids you know and it does make me feel really shit. Fortunately I'm in my early 40s now, so people probe less, but also assume I'm living a worry free existence fuelled only by cocktails.
Obviously the difference is I don't whine about my friends kids, I enjoy them, buy them presents, babysit, ask them about them etc etc.

Nooooo! Is he?!?!! His literary PR team are probably having a nightmare right now then. Kids are boring… but I like to write books for them.

It’s less of a head scratcher to me that someone who writes books for children is asked if they plan on having any. Especially when that person presumably sits in interviews where the purpose is for him to answer questions about himself.

Becausd society still thinks when your born as a female your sole purpose on this planet is to have kids. No fuck off. There is a whole world to explore and experience, one of those experiences is having a child. You don't have to do it. Its a choice in the vast majority of cases.

We all can choose how we want to live on this planet and what experiences we want to have.

Your life with kids is no more happier than my childfree life. The love you experience is no less than the love a childfree person experiences. A childfree person has all of those things too, their life is just as amazing. Except people always love to tell them how their life is less than xyz cos they don't have kids.

So if they rant back I don't blame them.

What gets me is when you have 1 suddenly people have this expectation of more to follow, and if you don't want one eyebrows are raised.

The expression one and done is a thing for a real reason

I was deemed a young mum, pregnant at 23, and I'm shocked at the pressure friends my age put on me asking me when I'm going to give dc a sibling when they are so young themselves and can't even comprehend the idea of kids.

It's really hypocritical and they know dc wasn't planned. Since when did having 1 child meant you automatically would or should want more. Maybe I had one and realised how God damn hard it is so why the heck would I want another 🙄

They are in groups together where they share stories about being asked it and then they feel the question in themselves vicariously because they've made being child-free their whole personality.

Yabu. It's unacceptable to ask if anyone is having kids.
And GJ is right. There is very little fun in parenting.

Not everyone who can't have kids wants them either

People do ask. I think sometimes it's a conversation starter like asking about the weather. But then I do wonder whether they're asking the men the same.

I understand what you mean. I don't think it's fair to make you feel like you made a shitty choice either. But I think in a world where 80% of couples (made that % up) have children you do feel like the outlier so maybe the question feels more pointed. I also think there are two sides to not having children - can't or don't want to - so it's that open ended question that hangs in the air. That's probably why as you say it's best not to ask!

I think it’s brilliant people are a lot more aware of how big of a responsibility having a child is and choosing not to participate in that lifestyle choice if they’re not 100% set on it.

There are too many people who have kids because “it’s just what you do” and you end up with children who either don’t have the best start in life and parents aren’t emotionally ready.

There is still a lot of stigma associated with women not being married and having children so the more this is normalised the better.

Yeah I’ve had loads of negative comments made to me over the years about not having kids. Sometimes it’s not an actual comment but they’ll ask me and when I say no, there’s silence 🤐 so I guess we kind of feel as though we have to justify why we don’t as we are going against the norm.

Also like to point out dp has never been asked by his friends. So it's purely directed at the women.

OP- are you sure that ALL your childless friends are doing this by choice, and maybe just prefer not to talk about infertility or losses?
Not a clue why they are. There’s a big group of about 20 of us, all friends from school. 6 without children (4 married, one in a LTR, one single). One of the married ones talks about how she doesn’t know. She likes them, she doesn’t want the tie, she asks for our opinions. One of them has categorically said no. The others… no idea. They may be struggling. Of the women with children, lots had fertility issues, and it was generally discussed quite openly AFAIK. So if the childless ones are struggling, hopefully they feel open to talk about it, but they don’t ever get asked.

Absolutely this. I work with children and I’ve been asked all the bloody time. I never talk about it. I’m content and happy. Each to their own. However other people bring it up all the time. Some examples I’ve had:

You’ll be lonely in old age.who will look after you? Selfish reason to have kids that one

You are so good with children though, yes because I go home and have peace and quiet thanks! Also I have no maternal yearning

You will feel differently once you have them/get older/find the right man

You will understand true love when they arrive. A mothers love blah blah.

Holidays and money are such a shallow empty life— I’m not materialistic at all though I enjoy a good holiday and city break.

You can’t be tired, it’s a whole level of different tired being a parent- I’m a regular insomniac of twenty plus years who works long physically demanding days I know I feel tired!

im early forties so it’s easing off but to say it’s only childfree people that bring it up is bollocks. Soooo many judging parents who seem to want to justify their life choices and random strangers who like to comment and quiz.

Greg James and his wife have had trouble conceiving as well so I think that's made them re-evaluate. I would imagine that's why he's speaking up about it as it's been a shitty experience for him and his wife.

No kids here. Slight disappointment from my mum very briefly but otherwise nobody gives a hoot whether I have kids or not. Never felt any pressure from society to have them.

I Guess to some people it's the same as being constantly asked if/when you're going to get married. There's two questions in your 20's-30's that always pop-up and just get frankly quite boring having to answer.

I'm married with children but my god I got sick of being asked those two questions, both of which I wasn't sure at the time whether I even wanted! There are so many different questions that somebody can be asked about their life and those two questions are just thoughtless and lazy, it felt like they were expected of me. I'm not surprised OP's friends are making a point about it.

Greg James has a point though. You just have to read comments on his wife’s instagram to see people constantly speculating on whether she’s pregnant etc. it’s rude.