Having kids is awesome… but I really don’t care if you don’t want to have them!

[SockTurtleMoop]

This is just a rant. Getting something off my chest.

I’m mid 30s and the majority of my friends have now got kids but a handful haven’t. This handful moan a fair amount about ‘society’s pressure to have kids’ and how awful it is and how they get asked all the time and post a lot of things on social media about HOW ITS A VALID CHOICE NOT TO HAVE KIDS THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Greg James off of the radio has written some blog post about how he doesn’t know whether he wants kids but he wishes people would stop asking him. And loads of my childless acquaintances have shared it with clapping emojis.

But I can’t work out who is asking them if they’re having kids. Outside of their nannas. Everyone in my generation knows you don’t talk about these things. A couple of people at work asked me if I wanted children (before I did), but that was usually when I was chatting to them about theirs. Not an invasive inquisition. No one I know cares if other people don’t have kids. I’m really curious how often they actually get asked.

On the flip side, they’re so rude about the assumptions they’ve made about being a parent. There are constant comments about how they’d prefer to have money and free time and no responsibilities. There’s a suggestion that people with kids are miserable all the time.

I’ve got three small children. It’s hard work. But they’re bloody hilarious. When they’re babies it’s sort of like being in charge of some wild animals. But eventually they really do become amazing company. They’re such fun. Rare days when it’s just me and my husband are fine. We enjoy each other’s company and we get to actually converse. But the kids come back and it’s silliness and games and laughter and life feels significantly less serious and I’m distracted from “grown up things”. Life takes a slower pace and I love it.

Anyone else relate to this at all?! Or is the consensus that actually yes society is still obsessed with making sure everyone reproduces as quickly as humanly possible and those who don’t have children are letting the side down?

I can’t have children but ppl often assume I have chosen not to have them. I always set them straight about it - it wasn’t my choice not to be a mother

and yes ppl do ask as well as telling you never know real love until you’ve had a child

though my favourite was the stranger at a conference who when I said I couldn’t have them suggested that perhaps I should leave my husband so he had the chance ti have children with someone else - after all it wasn’t fair to deprive him of the opportunity

Yeah cos some parents never makes being a parent their whole personality now so they? 😂 I never mention my child free status it’s other people that bring it up

Greg James has a point though. You just have to read comments on his wife’s instagram to see people constantly speculating on whether she’s pregnant etc. it’s rude.
Its not uncommon for people to rudely speculate about every inch of a celebrities life… probably just as many people discussing whether she’s had plastic surgery as whether she’ll have kids. It’s not a life I’d chose that’s for sure, I can imagine it all gets very invasive and overwhelming.

I didn’t have a child until I was 35 and never had anyone ask me if I wanted one. My sister told me I should freeze some eggs 😂 but that’s about it. I don’t know if I came across as someone who wouldn’t be interested in having children. I think lots of people thought it was an accident rather than planned which it was.

I’m asked constantly. I don’t mention my DP having kids anymore because it leads people on to asking why I don’t have kids. My medical problems are none of their business but they seem to want to know details.

I'm child-free by choice and now well past child-bearing age.
You'd be surprised at how many people feel they can continue the conversation after you tell them you don't want children of your own. It's a downright rude and intrusive thing, but still they do it.

'You've still got time to change your mind.'
'But why?'
'You'd make a great mother!'
'You just haven't met the right man yet.'
'You'll have no-one to look after you when you're old.'
'Your biological clock is ticking. Better get a move on.'
'Thats what we were put on this earth for.'
'You'll never experience absolutely unconditional love.'
And so on and so on.

I even was told by a workman in my office that I was selfish and didn't know what I was missing.

I've seen a couple of posts minimising and even dismissing the judgment we get from just one question. Stop and think next time the subject comes up.

Each to their own.

Don't believe that all love or experiences are equal.
Having children is (I believe) is an experience and type of love different to all others.
It is all encompassing and people become so consumed I think they can say things without thinking.

It doesn't mean that you can't have a fulfilling life full of love and happiness without children.

But to say having a child, raising a child, being a parent to a child isn't a unique experience doesn't make sense.
A person who hasn't had that can't ever truly experience it or understand it.
Not everyone wants to. Which is fine. Some people sadly don't get the chance even if they do want to. Which is deeply unfair, like many things in life are.

Personally I don't pry or ask questions relating to such big, emotional, personal things.

Lol. I was single and childless for years. Articles in every form of media were CONSTANT. Misogynist guff that my reproductive time was a nanosecond and men could have children at 150 (never anything about the poor quality of old sperm, strangely) was rammed down my throat across every forum. You just didn’t notice.

And yes, many people did ask me directly. Again, it was CONSTANT.

You’ve made the classic mistake of assuming your experience is everyone’s.

Fortunately I had enough empathy by the time I had a child to know my experience is just that: mine. It tells me nothing about anyone else’s experience.

I have kids, but my siblings don’t.
They are asked a lot! Often by literal strangers like taxi drivers.
I have one child and am constantly asked when the second is coming, but that’s slightly different..
It’s annoying and no one’s business.

The shift of it being a normal widespread lifestyle choice that isn’t seen as a bit sad or surprising (especially for women) is very very recent.

Yeah I get this too. I never mention other peoples parenting status but child free friends seem to want me to agree parenting is terrible and I'm so tired and I desperately wish I had more money so I could go on lots of nights out and holidays.

I don't, I'm not interested in hanging round bars or going to Turkey or buying a new wardrobe every year. But if I say that then it would make me smug and horrible for some reason, even though child free friends can be as smug and horrible as they like

💯 this, as soon as I read this bit, I had an internal eye roll.

That's usually the one of the first things you get asked by a stranger. I don't even think alot of them care, and it's just making conversation. But it does get frigging annoying. It's probably pressure, as it's a default question and then of course if you say no it's a conversation ender. I find it more odd that you don't understand that being a woman yourself.
Maybe people should start asking if people have pets instead.

Probably because you already had one by 30. I only got asked after I turned 35ish

I think you only have to realise there's societal pressure OP when you see how many people have kids who didn't realise how hard it is and wonder what they have done sometimes. And then the ones who really regret it.
I wish people would talk about that more, that's the taboo subject.

I do find now that a good way to get them to back off is to reply "HA! Fuck no!" They tend not to pry so much then.

Women are judged for not having children. It's seen as odd, unnatural. Especially if women admit to actually not wanting children as opposed to being unable to have them.

I love my dc and dgc. But I often fantasise about how life would have been without them.
The extra money, the freedom to travel more, the never having to worry about this life that is always part of your soul.

I think most adults if they could have experienced parenthood for a week, including the emotional bond and the anxiety of caring so much for this little life would never have dc.
You’re never free again.

The thing that bothers me more is childless people always have an opinion on how to bring up kids.

We really don't, I couldn't care less how you raise your kids (I mean, I vaguely hope you don't raise them to be axe murderers but other than that fill your boots).

OP to answer your original question I get asked by:

• The same three colleagues, repeatedly
• My godparents
• Various friends, particularly new ones who are trying to suss you out
• My younger cousins (I think some of them are looking to me as a potential child free role model)
• Several cousins my own age (I know one is asking out of genuine curiosity, but there's two who I think view my lifestyle choice as an attack on theirs even though I think they have gorgeous lives and gorgeous families)
• Literally countless strangers (often drunk people)

My parents have also made it known that they would love me to have a baby but that ultimately my happiness comes first. They respect my decision and I'm grateful they don't push it - I wish I could get to this place with some of the others in my list.

Being in your 30s, you are in the peak decade for reproduction angst of all types. I found it all calmed down once we all hit our 40s, everyone's family size (or lack thereof) was established and we could all move on to other topics. Everyone was a lot happier!

What did that bloke say in The Office? Just because you let some useless tosser blow some beans up yer muff.....

Absolutely. It's disingenuous for OP to act like this isn't even a thing

@SockTurtleMoop

Cos not everyone thinks it’s awesome

the way you describe it doesn’t sound that fun to me tbh - little time with your husband, hard work, like looking after “wild animals”. Not really my idea of ‘fun’

I agree with you.

Aw, did you think that guy was the protagonist?

On another thread I've just been reading, the OP has already said she doesn't plan on having children yet post after post people are saying 'when you have kids...' 'don't have kids with this man' etc

Now some of that is because people don't read threads before giving their opinion but actually there's an inherent assumption there that a woman in their 30s is going to be thinking about having children.

I was asked constantly as soon as I got engaged and at my wedding people were commenting on it 'ooh, babies next!'.

It's so rude and insensitive and I'm surprised the OP has never been asked. All they've done here is show how smug and insufferable a lot of parents are.

Aw, did you think that protagonists are automatically sympathetic?