"I don't do relationships"

[JoonT]

Over Christmas, I went to a party and got talking to a girl in her early 20s. I asked if her partner was there, and she replied "I don't do relationships." She went on to explain that she had no intention of ever being in a relationship or having kids. She was completely focused on her career and didn't want all the 'hassle' (her word). I also have a cousin who is 38 and lives alone. She has never had a relationship either (she's one of the happiest people I know!). Do you think it is becoming more common? I mean for people to choose not to "do relationships" at all? I'm not judging such people. I'm just curious.

My own feeling is that it is more common. And I suspect it's because of several things. First of all, people live longer, and (if they take care of themselves) do so in better health. That looks set to continue. Pretty soon we may ever have life extension drugs that slow the ageing of the body. So they don't need a partner to care for them as they age. Second, women now have careers. They also have better access to training and education, which enables them to pursue those careers. Finally, lots of women now choose not to have kids. In the past, women (and men) often put up with hellish marriages for the sake of the children.

Something else I've noticed is that young people increasingly choose not to drink alcohol. I wonder if the two are related?

By this I mean once upon a time earning a bit of money used to be enough for women to put up with lazy, boring, grumpy men and tolerate all of that in a fairly miserable existence just because they needed them financially or thought it was their duty or knew no different or whatever. But now many women have wised up and realised they do not need men at all. And decided they'll only comtemplate having one in their life if he is an equal (not sponging off them financially or in terms of housework etc) and treats them as an equal also. And is actually fun and enjoyable to be around and respectful of them.

No wonder men are pissed off about it. 🤣 They used to be able to be lazy, boring, useless, even violent and even so have a woman serving them for life! That's why they tried to control women for so long at a societal level: to stop them getting this independence. It's why the vestiges of those systems to control women and gender stereotyping are still clung to by a certain type of man so vehemently. It's why such backwards regimes still exist around the world. But once the "cat is out of the bag" and women realise they do not need men, men will have to make an effort to make women want to be around them, otherwise they will choose not to. As we're seeing!

It turns out that they didn't rule us because they were superior. It was just money and brute force. And ideology

yes! I think money especially is the big one....whomever has their hand closest to the money tends to be best positioned to have the power!
One could argue that male dominance is grounded in their greater physical strength, but that's not so much of an advantage in the modern world, as we advance the areas that women are stronger on become more needed. That's how I tend to see it, but all humans have talents and abilities and it's our propensity for collaborating and combining our strengths that has lead to progress (pls excuse my rose tinted idealism😶)

I agree with every word. As I wrote in an earlier post, I suspect it (partly) explains the high male suicide rate. Men no longer have any hold over women. In the past, pretty much any man could find a wife. And once they’d got her, they could guarantee she’d never leave, not while they controlled the money and paid the bills. And not when a divorced or single woman was considered a failure and outcast.

It’s a profound change. And it’s one that has only just got going. We are moving from a situation in which pretty much everyone committed to long-term relationships, because “that’s just what you do,” to a situation in which people only commit when they really want to. I’m all for it.

I don’t mean to sound anti-men. Plenty of lovely, kind, funny men get stuck with toxic, narcissistic bitches, and would also be better off alone. We really need to make it OK to choose not to have relationships. People who decide they don’t want a relationship, that they like living alone, or that they enjoy their career too much, or whatever, need to feel totally comfortable that way. I’m convinced everyone, both men and women, would be much happier. We’re not there yet, however. There is still this assumption that anyone over 30 and single is either weird, or sinister, or a failure. It’s frustrating - especially when the happiest people I know are mostly single, and half my married friends are on Prozac!!

I'm not anti-men either - I'm just anti the men seemingly left in my dating pool!

I do know some lovely, lovely blokes who I consider brothers, but they are - as you'd expect - married.

If I can't find a nice man, I'd genuinely rather have no man. I wish I could have told my younger self that, so she would have ended bad relationships sooner and not clung on like mad.

Maybe some of the low calibre men are attempting to complete suicide because no one will put up with shit behaviour. But it's not our job to fix them. Everyone is capable of working on themselves so they are relationship ready. Many people just choose not to put in that work. We are not owed to men.

To be honest, I'm no longer relationship ready myself as I'm not prepared to put in the work anymore. I think I've lost all ability to compromise...

Oh no absolutely @JoonT, I am not anti-men either. I have the most wonderful boy in the wirld as a son, an anazing brother. A couple of friends are married to great men, too, and happy. But many, many are not. And the appalling attitudes towards women of many men are why many married women are unhappy, why more women than men start divorce proceedings (wising up: I was one of them!) and why more women are now simply saying "No. If you want my time and effort, you make an effort!". We can provide for ourselves, we outperform men at every stage of education, once we finally break down the sexism at work we'll outperform them on pay too and then what? If men want a woman in their life then for the first time in human history the majority of them will have to accept that women won't want you as a partner unless you are equal to them in intellect, humour, respect, temperance, independence, etc. Oh or expecting them to look pretty while you get a fat beer belly. And won't put up with what they have for millenia. This can only be a good thing, for men and women actually. Everyone can raise their standards and it's fantastic to see it happening, no matter how pissed off it makes the incels. 🤣